stepping forward or backward?

as we grow older we have more things, or better said problems, to think about. don't you agree? from simple daily stuffs to important things that we need to think over and over again to make sure that it's the correct choice we've made.

sometimes we wished that everything were more simple, so that we could just sit back and relax and let things go with the flow and be sure that it all would be ok. sadly, it only happens in dreams. well, at least that's the not-so-sweet reality for some of us.

making choices are difficult, especially ones that concern with our future. not knowing whether it's the correct and the best choice made is something very unpleasant. sometimes we make a decision and convince ourselves to stick with it, but often there are things that just makes us have to rethink about the choices we've made. this situation is definitely not a good progress. i guess we all have the same problem and dilemma.

sensitivity, more or less?

is this really a wrong choice? why does it always have to lead to be like this? who's actually being too sensitive or not sensitive enough? maybe it's me, but you don't need to react like that. or actually was it you? either way, you don't have to show it that way. cos i have enough too.

be nice, and i shall return you the sweetness
treat me nasty, i'll let you taste how bitter i can be

aren't those lines simple enough to be understood?

frequent flyer

this year 2006 is my most active year in terms of the numbers i went travelling, both for business and pleasure. let me try to remember...

mid jan : switzerland for annual meeting thing
end jan - early feb : continue to Beijing to visit a cousin
mid jun : balikpapan for ann's wedding
mid oct : s'pore with n and nin
1st week dec : bali with the usual people
2nd week : s'pore (again) for a neighbour's daughter's wedding and meeting with principal
3rd week : surabaya for a doc's workshop thing

i just came back yesterday early morning.

oh, does short road trip to puncak and bandung counts? if yes, add 3 more to the list. puncak was during 17 agustus-an holiday with w, jaf and c and the gang that time and stayed at his villa. as for bandung, twice. first one was with c, w, h and w's "kucing" on the week after the puncak and second one was on lebaran holiday.

i think that's all for now. just planned to go bandung with c when he goes back but maybe it's not necessary anymore.

btw, el's going to have her b'day (on nov. 30) celebrated this saturday night, dinner at kembang goela. ik said ok to her invitation so she's so happy, excited and looking forward to it. and since i'm her friend, i sincerely hope that guy won't disappoint her, despite of anything else.

i just don't care that much anymore

you're upset with me? i don't care, dear.
unhappy about my attitude? get a mirror, dear.

and don't think that i don't know what you think or feel about me. yes, i know. i'm more sensitive, remember? and i feel the same way about you. but i just don't care that much anymore about stuffs like that. sorry dear, it's just not that important to me anymore.

people change. and i do too.

empty head

sejak pulang dari bali 2 malam yg lalu ampe sekarang rasanya gue belom bener2 balik seperti awal deh. kepala masih setengah melayang ampe rasanya kayak zombie yg orangnya bangun dan bisa gerak tapi otaknya setengah kosong gitu. tapi gue uda nyetir dari hari pas pulang itu loh jadi masih lumayan lah ya tapi kalo disuruh mikir males banget. awas kalo bilang gue biasanya juga males mikir. rasanya gue belom bener2 puas tidur deh abisnya sejak pulang langsung ada aja yg mesti diurusin jadi tidur malem trus pagi2 uda diresein juga.

anyway, jumat ini gue ke sg lagi ma nyokap. half business thing and half pleasure time. anaknya temen nyokap merit disana and sekalian mau meeting sama principal. banyak banget masalah yg mesti diberesin. they sucks now. very very badly sampe merugikan kita banget. tapi semuanya act seperti smartass.

oh ya, i'll update about bali kapan2 deh kalo inget juga..

was it me?

i was asking myself, is it true that they are the ones that change? cos definitely some still get along nicely and even fit each other's silliness. mind you, i'm not referring silly here as in stupidity. it refers to funny, ridiculous things.

so, it occurs to me that perhaps i'm the one who change. could it be that way? perhaps it might be that way. but still, so does everybody else. we're no longer pure and naive. as time passes, the more we see and the more things we go through, the bigger ego we have. we no longer feel as comfortable as we used to with each other. it just feels different. at least i do know when i started to feel differently. i didn't ask for this but it just happened. perhaps no one wants it but it happened anyway.

too bad.

feels like shit

if things go wrong, if shit happens, i might have to cancel this whole bali thing.

things just went wrong as if it's not bad and complicated enough.

how does it feel to be like one? what's it like to be in those shoes? i know i definitely not interested to be one like that *ketok2 jangan sampe deh, touch wood i won't meet anyone like that again ever*, stupid but loud. well, can only be loud only to those they feel superior if compared to. malu dikit donk!!

maybe the word stupid can't describe it precisely. actually not stupid. you can say smart. in a way. but too bad always letting cunning people outsmarted them and became prey of those pigs. that's why the inferior smart could only be applied to close people. to bully them. smart ass.

get what i mean? no? nvm.

btw an, i've got the trouville and my mom got the speedy. still thinking about the sonatine too thou. greedy, eh? nah, i'll get over it.

duren + sop kambing

kombinasi bego buat bikin darah tinggi and panas dalam. seperti yang pernah diceritain sama kambingjantan kayaknya de. sekarang pala gue sakit dari sejak bangun gara2 kemaren makan itu.

soal bali, akhirnya gue and n bakal stay sama nin di tempat cousin dia soalnya si er tiba2 jadi ikut. rusuh kan kalo ampe masuk 1 kamar hotel berenam? bisa gila kali nunggu giliran mandi. belom lagi sumpeknya.

ampe hari ini gue and n masih belom dapet juga. n uda decide to try the pill and i'm still sticking to the other alternative. maunya sih bisa beres sebelomnya atau skalian setelah pulang deh. males banget kalo mau main2 apalagi involve water activities tapi mikirin ginian.

mesti mikirin mau bawain apa buat cousinnya nin nih. gak enak kan kalo tau2 datang trus nginep sana cuma bawa diri.

sigh

confused. lost. blurry. +headache.

by the time i wrote this, i'm not even sure myself if the previous post is still relevant.

not so distant, huh?

dulu pas gue cerita kalo si c bakal pindah ke bdg gara2 ditransfer kerja kesana, temen2 gue langsung pada komen gini, "alahh, jkt-bdg doank sih dekettt, ga bisa dibilang long distance lah. kapan aja loe mau bisa ketemu, malah kalo mau bisa kok dia pulang kerja ke jkt buat dinner ma loe trus pulang bdg lagi." dpkcl jg pernah bilang "distance will make heart grow fonder". sweet, but not completely true. gue tau maksud mereka emang baik biar gue gak gimana2. well, pas awal sih emang gue gak gimana2 tapi kok lama2..

huh.

mana loe an, yk, dll? dulu gue belom komen apa2 uda dibilangin ini-itu, sekarang gue mo komen nih!

bdg-jkt emang deket tapi yg jadi urusan bukan cuma jaraknya doank tu. huh.. buktinya skrg dia tiap minggu ada day off 2 hari berturut-turut juga ga pernah tuh nongol disini. uda gitu kayaknya karena jam kerja dia yg rada sadis dan so pasti bikin cape jadinya boro2 ketemu, ngobrol di telpon aja kayaknya uda jarang tuh. well, kalo telpon sekali2 yg cuma nanya uda makan belom dan sejenisnya sih ada tapi yg bener2 ngobrol uda ga inget kapan terakhir. trus gara2 itu gue ngerasanya jadi jauh aja and gue jadi bete. ngomongnya doank kangen tapi dari minggu lalu ada libur 2 hari dan besok2nya pas masuk shiftnya malem juga gak nongol sama sekali.

gue tau mungkin dia cape karena jam dan waktu kerjanya sejak jadi MOD jadi gak tentu tapi tetep aja.. memang dulu gue yg pernah bilang kalo gimanapun gue bakal ngedukung dia soalnya dari awal interview job ini pun uda dibilang kalo semua kandidat ada kemungkinan dipindahin keluar kota sesuai kebutuhan tapi..

entah kenapa kalo menurut gue dia orang yg terlalu rasional dan sedikit banget pake feeling. memang kalo cowok dibilangnya kan lebh rasio daripada hati tapi ini sih bener2 pelit hati makanya gue suka bilang dia gak ada manis2nya. well, gue tau gak semua co lebih pake rasio dan gak semua ce lebih pake feeling tapi yg ini sih uda bener2 rasio banget. kayaknya semua tindakan bener2 dipikirin bagus jeleknya dulu jadi boro2 do things yg nekat atau dodol2 and go wild, yg spontan aja jarang apalagi yg namanya stupid things you do when you're into someone. gue pernah ngomong ke dia tapi jawaban dia simple dan rada nyebelin, "kan dari awal emang gue apa adanya.."

kartu mati. karena dia uda kayak mengisyaratkan kalo dia emang seperti itu, take it or leave it. what's left there for me to say? kesannya jadi kayak gue yg mesti ngejar2 dia buat dapet perhatian dia. hello, did you notice that i'm a girl? seperti kata el, biarpun kita suka sama co tapi kita jadi ce pengennya dimanjain dan dikejar, bukannya malah ngejar.

well, gue yakin kalo dia jg pasti punya uneg2 soal gue. honestly gue emang pernah kepikir buat reconsider this thing tapi buntut2nya selalu gue lupain dan coba jalanin lagi dengan pikiran mungkin gue yg terlalu banyak menuntut. tapi itu juga ada batasnya dan gue yakin dengan sifat gue yg super jelek dan keras ini gue bisa meledak sewaktu2 dan merusak semuanya. gak tau gimana dengan bom waktu punya dia apa bakal meledak lebih cepet dari punya gue.

jadi model sehari

kemaren akhirnya jadi jg ke studio tempat photo buat majalahnya. btw, nama majalahnya Ice. bisa liat sekilas di

dodolnya tuh gue (dan jj yg jd model satu lagi) bilang ok pas diminta nv tanpa tau ttg majalah ini sama sekali. jadi tuh rada malu2in pas disana gue nanya dengan polosnya ice tu majalah apa si? ga pernah liat.. huhuhu. untung orang2 dari majalahnya punya copynya (pastinya) jadi dikasih ke kita deh buat liat2. btw kita akhirnya cuma berdua karena model yg satu lagi (mungkin model beneran, gak kayak kita yg model asal comot) ga bisa dateng karena sakit.

sekilas info, majalah ini asalnya dari sby sejak 2004 trus ke bdg baru ke jkt kira2 3-4 bulan lalu. yg lucunya, katanya di sby orang2 bisa bayar buat jadi model cover majalah itu! weks.. napsu banget ga si? biarpun pada akhirnya pasti diseleksi dulu. dan buat model artikel dan bagian fashion seperti yg kemaren gue sama jj itu jg bisa apply. buset..

anyway, kemaren lumayan fun, cuma sebelnya gue ga bisa banyak gaya yg dicontohin sama orangnya. maklum deh emang bukan model dan emang gue jarang gerak jadinya kaku kali yah huhuhu. trus yg susahnya lagi biasa gue difoto cuma senyum tanpa gigi, nah kemaren smuanya mesti muka ceria jadi gue mesti ketawa. dan buat gue ketawa keliatan gigi tuh rada susah, yg ada beberapa kali tuh kayak senyum terpaksa alias gak tulus jadi lucunya si cc make up artist, audrey and ibu2 hair stylistnya, ami pada act konyol2 gitu biar gue ketawa pas dijepret haha.. si cc itu ampe julingin matanya biar gue ketawa pas liat dia. bae2 yah hehe. kalo jj sih emang senyumnya perfect jadi ga masalah sama sekali jadi bagus2 potonya dia.

hm.. can't wait to see the results sih tapi sayangnya kita ga akan dikasih fotonya sampe majalahnya terbit. yah, emang itu biasanya peraturan buat majalah kali ya, masa sebelom terbit potonya uda disebar dulu. tapi lucu jg sih kalo potonya dari skrg tapi terbitnya masih nanti apa style fashionnya belom lewat ya?

oh iya, gue sama jj dipotret buat edisi januari nanti. jadi penasaran tapi takut kalo jelek kan malu huhu..

model, anyone?

nv called me out of the blue on last saturday and asked if i'm willing to do it for the magz she worked for, and my first respond was: what? are you dialing the wrong number on you mobile contacts? are you sure it's the right d you're calling? cos my (face) skin is not one that's as smooth as a baby's butt (i know this was embarrassing..)

i think i kind of insulted her intelligence a bit there, didn't i? oh well, i was never one that instantly feel big-headed even if it's something flattering. anyway, after i'm a bit convinced that this isn't really a joke after she explained this and that, i said ok. although still with a bit unease feeling.

fyi, this magz is segmented for teenagers. yes, repeat, teenagers. and it's still new, i guess that's why instead of using pro models, they pick amateurs. maybe not all but 2 out of the 3 for tomorrow is definitely not models, atlhough i admit that jj got the looks.

well, it's tomorrow morning and there has been few sms informing this and that since sunday, so i'd better be there and see how it goes then.

things to do

1. going to bali on 30 nov - 4 dec
2. surabaya on 9 dec for a relative's wedding?
3. must visit penang and then to china with mr. ong

impluse craving

Sonatine

Trouville

Gucci

Gucci

(the one i'm interested in is not in this color. black really makes it look very dull and uninteresting. too bad can't copy pic from the official website so can only show this one)

nvm. i can't afford or make myself bought it anyway..

thought about getting 2nd ones but the price is still high that you'd think you might as well just get the new one from Paris.. or just get the fakes??

partner = controlling department?

met dj this afternoon when i went to Hosei-ji with mom and the new maid. when he gave us a lift home after the afternoon chant, dw called while we were on the way. from the conversations, we could know that she asked him general questions a wive would ask his hubby when it's already off office hour like where and what he's doing now. if you knew my mom, being one of the aunties crowd that sometimes kepo, you'd knew that she will comment on it and it went like this:

mom : wow, you two still sound romantic
dj : hehe it sounds more like controlling department calling
me : mwahaha (hey, it does sound funny, don't you think?)

hm.. makes me wonder if c thought that way if i call him.

well, that's not the first time i heard people talk that way about their bf/gf, spouse or anyone who often call them.

i actually ask dj is it true that men think that women are controlling them when they call them? his smart reply was: it depends on how they ask the guy. if it's just in normal conversation, then it's ok. but if it sounds "hostile", it would make them feel uncomfortable. well, actually not only men cos nin hates it too when ed asks her things.

hm..

quarter pounder chicken

it's the last day of being 24 and i'm the least bit of becoming less stubborn and more mature and my life is still a mess and so on and so forth, so naturally i'm not that excited plus it's the time of the month. i guess bad habits die hard, although i really am not proud of it.

i'm such a grumpier soon-gonna-be-quarter-of-centutry-old, arent't i? perhaps i can just blame it to the time of the month. nah, who am i kidding?

seandainya aja ada ujan dolar..

looks like rainy season has arrived. it's been raining everyday since the past few days. first was in bandung and now in jakarta too. i hate it when it's wet outside, especially with the excess water left along the road (baca: genangan air di lobang2 jalanan yg gembel). not even mentioning about the flood it often caused yet.

well, i do like rain sometimes. when i'm dry, safe and comfortable inside, of course. preferably at home so i won't need to step outside after the rain. last time c and i often imagine about us sitting together in a red comfortable sofa, facing a beautiful view or garden through a ceiling-to-floor glass window watching the raindrops while we drink hot chocolate or tea. hm.. the closest we ever get was sitting together at dante's, facing the mall's foyer watching cars dropping off or picking up passengers. wait, perhaps there are few other memories related to rain but that was the closest one to our funny-romantic imagination. haha...

hate it but need it. well, not literally

this isn't the first time i'm grudging about this here but heck it, so i'll know how i loathe this with all my heart. it even occurs to me the mean thought of whether having it or not having it is better. well, obviously the first one is a better option. just for the sake of having it is nicer to hear and definitely a better statement. hey, we live in a cliched word, don't you know that? perhaps i'd really regret it with all my heart when i lose it, but for now it's like this. i'm a darn stubborn person. as i said, seems that things just don't support me to change and act the other way. hope on the day i die i would die in peace and not because of some cancer or anything malignant caused by my own stubbornness.

blah.

is it just me having pms or things are just really wrong?

i really don't like and certainly don't appreciate what i have now.. i know i shouldn't but seems everything that happen around me suggest me to think the other way. instead of starting to appreciate things, i keep complaining. the worst is, i realize that instead of getting softer (er.. maksudnya lebih lembut), i become more stubborn. tsk.

about friendship, the thought crossed my mind that perhaps i don't enjoy my circle of friends anymore cos there's no longer comfortable feeling when i'm with them. sometimes though, when some of them starts to be "funny" and not appropriate. don't take me wrong, i never say anyone's perfect. i love my friends but seems that we don't really connect with each other anymore like we used to. it's like we're not fit for each other anymore. well, at least it still does for some of us. it seems that the older we are the more we see the world and things, which means more life experiences we get and sometimes that could change someone's personality. to tell the truth, we all became more selfish. we all really do.

well, what do you know? people does change, but it is said that everyone is different, rite? so perhaps we all just need to adapt and get used to the new each of us. i'm sure beside me trying to get use to their funny things, they are trying to get use to my bad temper too. i think it's a bit sad to just trash the friendship we had had since junior high, isn't it? especially when you think that these friends are worthed cos they are friends for life, not just some hi-and-bye friends that pass by our life without meaning.

banana republic

does a bad start always lead to a bad ending too? i really hope it's not. and what's now is not an ending, it's the process to make things work. i hope.

i'm writing this at the time when i feel really pessimistic about it. that's now. i started to have doubts and i'm really scared if he's gonna be like him. that i would be like her who has to fight or do things herself to get what she wants. i don't want to be the one who initiate things. wouldn't it be nice to have someone who can take care a thing or two for you? wouldn't it be nice to be pampered? for example about me planning to go to bdg this holiday. watch it, this isn't about being independent. this just makes me upset everytime i think about it.

actually i started to have this feeling since the second last week before he went there. and i've been thinking about it. perhaps i'm the one who can't understand and over-reacting, well, that would be way better, but what if it's just as bad as i thought?

as usual, i'm always stuck between two choices. this time is whether to be positive or negative. plin-plan.

n said that i'm the one pushing him since the first place. you know what i feel like when she said that? smacking her face with a bucket. who the hell she thinks she is? well, i know this is my stupidity for sharing things like this with her again. should've keep a mental note to myself that she's not the one i should talk to about this kind of thing. even about my job cos it's proven that she can't keep her mouth shut and blabs to other people about things that shouldn't be discussed at all. i had to tell her that time because something came up.

nin said she actually never agree on this, even until now. and she's upset about me not updating her when it finally change because she knew about this since the very first time. she's the first one who knew about it and she kept pointing me that it's a no-no since then.

i don't know what i should do know to calm my mind about this. n gave me a crazy idea, "gimana kalo loe sambil jalanin sambil cari2 yg lain juga? boleh gak gitu?"

GUBRAK!! first of all, i'm afraid of karma, what goes around might comes around. secondly, i do have feeling for him so it won't be as easy to do that to him, although i don't know how about him. and thirdly, i'm not seeing this thing as something for fun. never. i'm not a player.

btw, about the title. i just heard it from a talkshow on tv. i just knew that the meaning of banana republic is a country that's unstable due to changes that happen quite often. katanya pisang tuh cepet berbuah trus tau2 uda mateng trus mulai berbuah lagi. kira2 gitu de binun soalnya tadi cuma dengerin sekilas hehe.

so much for a boring and unpleasant holiday. blah.

jangan terlalu banyak menuntut

gimana caranya nempelin kalimat itu dalam otak dan pikiran kita supaya selalu inget yah? uda kayak bad cycle yg selalu repeating gitu.. haiyah.. mungkin emang gue orangnya bener2 keras banget sampe susah banget making myself in satisfied mode about certain things. well, maybe lots of things hehe.. hey, i'm just a human being kan :p

wise words

if you can't say anything nice about someone, don't say anything.

i got those words from a small book about etiquette guide, a bonus from this month's cosmo mag. this should be a very useful tip.

small getaway

i'm going to sg with nin and n on thursday morning and then followed by el in the evening. not sure yet for how long, depends on whether i'm going to penang or not.

hope we'll all have a great time together. hope everything will go well.

pure mind and soul

pernah gak berpikir dan menyayangkan kenapa kita harus tumbuh dan jadi dewasa (baca: adult)? padahal kalo jadi orang dewasa artinya kita jadi punya tanggung jawab, entah terhadap hidup, diri sendiri maupun orang lain. pernah gak berpikir kalo menjadi dewasa itu sangat rumit? tapi jadi orang gede memang pasti lebih enak dibanding jadi anak kecil sih. inget gak dulu waktu masih kecil rasanya pengen cepet gede biar boleh naik mainan di dufan yg ada batas minimum umur atau tinggi badan? trus pengen cepet umur 17 biar bisa sweet seventeen-an, trus abis itu pengen cepet umur 21 supaya bisa nyoba clubbing, dll. tapi buktinya gitu uda mulai kepada 2 rasanya uda mulai takut cepet tua. lahir-dewasa-tua-mati. that's the cycle of life dan semuanya mesti dilewatin satu2.

dan soal kedewasaan, gak salah kan kalo dibilang menjadi dewasa itu harus dilengkapi dengan sikap dewasa (baca: mature) juga? itu yang menurut gue susah. kadang menjadi dewasa secara umur dan fisik belum tentu berarti dewasa dalam cara berpikir, sikap atau kelakuan. dan gak semua anak kecil kekanak2an juga sih karena ada juga anak kecil yg dewasa sikapnya karena bisa mengerti orang lain. mungkin bener ada yg bilang menjadi dewasa adalah pilihan. tapi yg mau gue ngomongin sekarang bukan tentang ngebedain antara being an adult and act like one.

entah kenapa belakangan ini kalo lagi mikirin tentang my so-called life, as usual-meratapi, dan berpikir tentang friendship, gue ngeliat dan ngerasa kalo banyak banget yg berubah dari hal itu. ya iyalah namanya jg people change tapi tetep aja rasanya agak sedih karena perubahannya itu lebih ke arah yg negative. gue ngerasa semakin dewasa (sekali lagi, secara umur) orang jadi semakin egois dan sibuk dengan urusannya masing2. tapi mungkin itu karena tuntutan hidup juga yang membuat orang harus berubah dan menyesuaikan diri dengan lingkungannya, padahal mungkin sebenernya belom tentu mereka mau berubah jadi seperti negatif. tentu donk, siapa sih yg mau berubah jadi lebih jelek? dan tentang gue, karena one thing and another gue belajar jadi lebih egois dan mikirin diri sendiri aja dulu karena ternyata gak perlu buat nempatin orang lain di atas kita. tapi memang it's the nature of human being kan? mungkin bisa dibilang back to basic.

polos, optimis, positive thinking dan selalu ceria karena gak ada yg dipusingin. coba kalo semua orang bisa menjadi dewasa dengan tetep membawa sifat2 yg bagus dari anak kecil seperti itu. mungkin gue perlu soul cleansing nih hehe.

sok-sial worker

gue bener2 sebel banget sama tuh orang bego sampe kadang rasanya gue pengen nyumpahin atau wish dia gak ada. kalo bukan karena takut karma dan katanya juga kalo orang yg suka marah2 bisa kena kanker pasti uda beneran gue sumpain. emang dasar bego gak punya otak dagang gak becus tapi sok2an bikin kesel sok dagang tapi pake otak sosial (baca: sok sial). mestinya dia join aja tuh UN biar kerja sosial beneran daripada nyusain orang. bener2 gak penting banget tu orang idup. sumpa males banget gue merasa dirugikan cape2 tapi kayak gitu.

BAHHH!!!!!

mr. p

rese juga yah ini orang mentang2 tau dark secrets orang trus jadi sksd trus ngorek2 gak perlu and gak sopan juga. biarpun just a joke tetep aja doesn't sound appropriate diliat dari manapun.. skrg katanya uda punya ce dan uda tobat jadi yah good for him then. moga2.

selfish, or just ignorant?

i tot it was going to be over on that saturday night. it's true that he can be very selfish and inconsiderate about my feeling, that's why i sometimes wonder about this. to be honest, i'm starting to feel a bit tired and hurt being treated that way. considering that i've changed quite better compared to my last relationship, this is quite disappointing.. well, relating to my previous post, i still do the same for this one, but if there's nothing to be hope, what's left in it? anyway, he said he was sorry and he'll try to change. he's learning to change and he ask me to help. hm..

i'm not trying to pick a fight because it's just simple things (i said simple, NOT unimportant!), but since it was me who often get hurt because of it, i have to make things clear for myself.

alternative needed

i'm used to prepare myself for the worst when it comes to certain things. it doesn't mean that i let it be cos i still try what i can do to avoid the worst, but sometimes there are things that perhaps you just already knew the result. and for me, for example, the worst is already here, and since i and the others are already prepared for it for quite sometime, it's not really that shocking anymore, but still it's shocking.

some people refers prepared for the worst as being pessimistic and negative thinking but i think it's not really like that. it's better to prepare for any possible outcomes, good or bad, rather than putting your hopes "setinggi langit dan bintang" only to know later that it's nothing and it makes you more desperate.

beta, beta and beta

i don't even know what the hell is the meaning of beta version of everything, and now i've changed my blog into beta and don't even know what's the different with the usual one. this is because an made a big fuss about it saying about random invitations that not everybody gets one.

well, just try it then. nothing to lose accept for more troubling to login rather than the usual cos i have to use my google account, which in this is my gmail account.

being alone, lonely

gak tau kenapa gue sering merasa kalo gue tuh sendirian padahal sebenernya gak begitu karena gue tinggal sama bonyok dan punya sodara dan teman2 biarpun gak bisa dibilang banyak. kadang gue bisa merasa kalo gue kayaknya sendirian di dunia ini, makanya gue takut banget kalo sampe bonyok gue uda gak ada lagi. gak berani ngebayanginnya ampe rasanya gue rela nuker umur gue sendiri jadi lebih pendek asal mereka lebih panjang umur dan sehat. ada bedanya kan antara sendirian karena memang lagi pengen sendirian sama sendirian karena memang gak ada siapa2 lagi. yah, siapa sih yg gak takut jadi sebatang kara?

kalo kayak sekarang ini bonyok gue lagi nonton tv di luar dan gue lagi duduk di kamar online sambil sekali2 ngeliat keluar jendela yg pemandangan malamnya lumayan bagus karena menghadap ke monas ditambah ada bulan yg biarpun uda ga sebulet dan segede kemaren2 tapi tetep terang. di jalanan masih banyak mobil yg lewat dan kira2 5 menit yg lalu banyak mobil pemadam kebakaran yg jalan menuju kota. entah ada kebakaran dimana. gue merasa gue sendirian karena hal2 di luar sana gak ada yg berhubungan sama gue. bukannya gue sok ignorant tapi memang gak related langsung kan jadi rasanya i'm not part of that things.

memang kadang gue suka being alone, sendirian do my own things or nothing at all. gue bisa kalo misalnya harus makan, nonton di bioskop, atau jalan2 shopping sendirian di mall. in fact, i often did that last time in melb. and i enjoy it. banyak orang yg gak bisa atau gak mau kalo disuruh makan atau nonton sendirian di luar karena katanya kesannya kasian banget. kesannya jadi mereka gak bisa mandiri dan selalu ketergantungan sama temen atau orang lain. well, kalo gue sih sebodo amat kalo emang pas lagi sendirian dan gue laper masak gue harus nungguin ampe ada yg nemenin baru gue bisa makan? bisa mati kelaperan donk gue yg punya maag dan cepet laper gini hehe.

the point is, i do can enjoy being alone. sometimes. karena ada kalanya juga sendirian itu dilakukan bukan karena pilihan tapi karena memang gak ada yg bisa menemani atau orang yg diingankan untuk menemani gak ada saat itu.

kadang gue mikir apa orang yg punya banyak banget temen sampe everywhere they go pasti ada yg dikenal kayak gitu pernah merasa lonely ya? gue jealous sama orang yg supel dan pinter bergaul jadi banyak bgt temennya. tapi kalo sampe orang seperti mereka aja bisa merasa lonely, apalagi gue yg temennya cuma itu2 doank yah. rasa keterikatan akan sesuatu itu bener2 gak enak, jadi seperti ketergantungan. seperti terikat dengan perasaan takut sendirian jadi kalo sendirian rasanya jadi beban yg susah dan sengsara banget.

memang ada bedanya antara sendirian dengan kesepian. seperti yg tadi gue bilang, kita memang gak sendirian tapi kadang merasa kesepian. entah apa yg kurang. kurang kerjaan atau kurang sibuk mungkin? hehe.. orang sibuk pun kadang bisa merasa kesepian juga kan? kayaknya ada kata2 mutiara tentang ini yg bunyinya kira2 bilang gini: being alone doesn't mean lonely. jujur, gue sendiri pernah pake kata2 itu buat menghibur beberapa temen gue yg curhat kalo mereka merasa kesepian padahal mereka lumayan aktif kehidupan kerja dan sosialisasinya. tapi ternyata kadang bisa juga yah not being alone doesn't mean not lonely kalo kita memang bukan ada di lingkungan yg tepat.

bla bla bla.. am i talking another nonsense?

distance makes heart grow fonder

itu kata2 dari dpkcl yg dulu dia dapet dari ex-nya pas gue cerita ttg gue ma c. yg herannya smua orang langsung komen: gpp lah jkt-bdg deket bgt kok. er... padahal gue belom ngomong/complain apa2 loh! haha..

what do u think? ada benernya ada basinya deh pasti. emang si karena jarak jadi bisa bikin kangen jadi tambah sayang tapi bisa jg karena kangen lama2 ga liat orangnya jadinya cari pengganti deh. ada bantahan? percaya deh ma gue, i've seen both sides before and the bad side happens more than the good.

banyak yg nyari sambilan pas lagi ditinggal ma pacarnya atau malah ada jg yg pergi yg justru nyari sambilan dengan alesan buat nemenin di tempat baru. ampun deh.. hari gini kayaknya trust uda krisis banget yah.

well, moga2 gak bakal pernah ada yg kayak gitu sama gue dan orang2 sekitar gue lagi deh. gue sendiri belom pernah dan jangan sampe kena deh. bisa2 jadi gak ada yg percaya lagi sama yg namanya long distance relationship deh padahal actually it's not that bad asal masing2 punya trust dan bisa megang trust yg dikasih itu.

objective or subjective

either my opinion about something or someone is objective or subjective, i have my own reason(s) that maybe other people or even the person himself/herself won't understand.

it's not easy to change people's opinion about someone, especially from the first impression they get when they meet/see the person. needless to say about bad things cos even good things might be less highlighted when they already think about him/her badly. that's why many people try to make a very good impression when they met new people, although the fake masks would worn-off eventually.

sometimes the "was/used to be" plays an important part in this. what i mean was the first impression or what they used to know about the person is important because that's where usually people start to judge/compare. for example, if someone change from bad to good, there's a big chance that people might still doubt the new-and-changed him/her because what they knew from experience was he/she was bad, so it's not that easy for people to accept and trust that person. on the other side, if someone change from good to bad, they would feel that it's too bad that he/she become a bad person because that he/she was a good person.

i personally often doubt that people could change from bad to good because surely the other way around is more likely to happen. i'm not judging that it's impossible because i still think that it could happend.

confused? nvm, this is just something that crossed my mind when the topic came out earlier.

finding polaris or just give me a damn map

gue kadang bisa jadi orang yang sangat keras. keras hati dan keras kepala. gue sadar tentang hal itu. it's not something good and definitely not something to be proud of cos sometimes it might backfire. well, it did happened before. gue suka nantang sesuatu yg gak seharusnya gue pertaruhkan sama sekali karena mungkin aja bisa terjadi yg gak gue harapkan sama sekali. kadang gue tau apa resiko dari perbuatan nekat gue yang kadang bisa dibilang diluar batas karena keterlaluan dan seenaknya aja tapi tetep aja gue lakuin. entah apakah itu ekspresi perasaan marah karena kemanjaan atau ketidakpuasan terhadap sesuatu. seperti anak kecil yang ngambek kalo ga dapet mainan seperti yang dia mau. yang selalu menuntut dengan keegoisannya tanpa membaca keadaan sekitarnya. yeah, mungkin memang seperti itu. childish.

sebenernya gue sendiri sering gak tau apa yg gue mau. sotong kan? cumi2. blur2 ga jelas atau malah lost? makanya kadang setelah dapet apa yg tadinya gue kira gue mau pun gue suka bingung apa ini bener yg gue mau? dan bisa aja ada rasa gak puas dan mikir harusnya ini lebih dari yg gue kira sebelomnya. bahkan kadang malah bisa bingung kenapa gue mau ini dan sebenernya gue mau ini tuh buat apa sih? mampus kan? mungkin bener kata orang yg pernah bilang kalo gue harus beragama supaya gue punya pegangan hidup untuk berjalan dengan lebih pede, yakin dan mantep. well, gue punya agama dan gue juga berdoa tapi gue tau itu gak cukup cuma begitu.

ahhh... so many mess need to be fixed but not sure where to start. i need someone to point me to the right direction. perhaps someone who knows how to control me.

the mirror has two faces

rasanya gue bisa cepet tua atau malah bisa cepet mati kali ya? gara2nya belakangan ini gue tambah sering marah2 aja alias bete2 gara2 itu orang. mungkin emang dasarnya karena gue uda sebel sama dia jadinya apapun yg dia ngomong atau lakukan pengen gue kritik semuanya. padahal katanya kalo kita gak bisa belajar nerima dan berubah maka kita akan terus berjodoh alias lagi2 ketemunya tipe orang2 yg kita sebelin. katanya sih sifat yg tercermin di orang2 sekitar kita adalah pantulan dari sifat kita sendiri. gimana donk? tapi tetep aja kayaknya gue gak punya sifat sebego itu!

padahal sebelom ini gue jg uda mulai ngerasa gimana tentang 1 hal lainnya. entah gimana kayaknya gue punya rasa gak puas. mungkin emang gue aja yg selalu banyak menuntut alias banyak maunya jadinya selalu merasa unsatisfied dengan apa yg ada. sometimes emang ada hal2 yg menurut gue emang sewajarnya seperti yg gue mau, dan udah gue perhatiin di orang lain juga seperti itu! jadi waktu ternyata hal itu lain di gue kadang gue sewot. apalagi banyak lain2nya deh yg bikin gue tambah geram kalo dipikir atau diinget. apaan seh ini orang kok kayak gitu? bukannya kalo gitu harusnya kayak gini? bahhh.

super ex

pernah denger cerita tentang co/ce yg baru putus trus nyariin mantannya lagi buat curhat alias cari someone to comfort him/her? gue sering. dan sempet kejadian di gue juga kayaknya. ehh.. maksudnya gue yg dicariin loh. kalo gue yg nyari sih belom pernah kayaknya hehe.

entah kenapa kadang ada aja orang2 yg suka seenaknya setelah putus atau mungkin lagi bermasalah aja dengan pacar mereka yg sekarang trus suka nyariin mantannya buat curhat2. kalo emang mantannya itu masih single dan available sih terserah tapi kalo uda punya pacar lagi? gak etis donk! biarpun emang selama setelah putus tetep temenan juga tapi tetep aja ada jaraknya. apalagi menurut gue co sama ce ga bakalan bisa ada yg bisa pure friendship. kalo sering deket2 dan sering jadi temen curhat lama2 feelingnya pasti jalan biarpun sedikit. so, tau diri lah jadi orang, coba tempatin diri loe di posisi pacarnya si mantan. apa loe seneng kalo pacar loe dicari2in atau deket2 sama mantannya? belom lagi kalo ada urusan c l b k antara mereka apa gak bikin tambah rumit? tapi kalo emang ampe orang yg uda punya pacar tapi karena deket2 sama mantan trus bisa clbk lagi pasti ada yg gak beres. entah emang orangnya gatel atau karena hubungan sama pacar sekarang lg ada masalah, tapi gimanapun tetep aja hubungan lagi bermasalah juga gak bisa dijadiin alesan. pokoknya gak bener menurut gue.

mau pake alesan kalo si mantan itu the love of your life? jadi loe ga bisa atau saling ga bisa ngelupain dan gimanapun sama2 masih punya feeling biarpun ngakunya uda move on? then why didn’t you get together again when you two are still available? kenapa harus setelah putus sama yg terakhir baru nyariin si mantan lagi atau malah nungguin si mantan putus dulu baru nyariin padahal sendirinya sekarang uda punya pacar? emangnya pacar yg sekarang itu cuma hiasan buat sambilan ngisi waktu luang loe selama loe nungguin ampe mantan loe single lagi? yg bener aja! go to hell to those kind of people.

orang baik dan orang bodoh

gue sering denger katanya kalo orang jahat makan dari orang baik dan orang baik makan dari atas. maksudnya yang jahat selalu ngambil dari yg baik tapi yang baik pasti dapet balesan/rejeki dari yang di atas alias Tuhan-nya.

kalo menurut gue, orang baik yg selalu bisa dimakan sama orang jahat itu artinya orang bego. fooled you once, shame on them. fooled you twice, shame on you for being stupid!! tapi kadang herannya emang selalu aja ada orang2 bodoh yg selalu menarik orang jahat untuk selalu deket2. yah mungkin karena bisa dibegoin makanya orang jahat jadi seneng deket2. intinya yg deketin orang bego ini pasti biasanya jahat kali ya. yg lebih heran dan ngeselinnya lagi tuh kadang2 si orang bego uda tau dibegoin tapi tetep aja ga menghindar. tetep aja ngebiarin orang jahat jahatin dia. mending kalo kerugiannya cuma kena di dia sendiri, lah kalo orang2 sekitarnya kena jg? apalagi kalo orang2 sekitarnya itu uda mati2an wanti2 dia supaya jangan mau aja percaya dibegoin orang jahat lebih ngeselin lagi kan? i mean, how low can you go? how more stupid can you be? mungkin cara nyadarin orang2 bodoh seperti itu ga bisa pake kata2 tapi beneran mesti dibikin shock dengan sesuatu biar tau rasa jadi kapok.

runaway vacation

kali ini g beneran nulis di word dulu baru dipindahin ke sini gara2nya ada tulisan "scheduled outage bla2" pas mau masukin entry. entah apa artinya karena g males buat cari tau. pokoknya mending cari aman de. bisa masukin saran ke blogspot ga seh tentang autosave draft?

dari kemaren siang gue nyoba booking tiket buat long wiken 17 agustusan minggu depan ke Penang tapi taunya semua flight, i mean semua airline fully booked tanggal 17. semua tujuan pula!! KL, singapore, bali bahkan medan. medan maksudnya jalan alternatif buat ke Penang selain KL. ada yg available 18 ke KL tapi tetep aja return datenya paling cepet tuh 23. sigh.. gila bener emang orang2 indo nih haus liburan. dikit aja ada libur langsung semuanya cabut melarikan diri dari kehidupan sehari-harinya yg bikin stress. gue yg plan mau kesana dari maret aja ampe sekarang ga berangkat2. well, segi positifnya mungkin jakarta bakal lebih ga macet. semoga.

darn it!

sebagus2nya blogspot ternyata lebih bagus livejournal yg bisa autosave draft dari post yg kita tulis. tadi gue lagi nulis blog panjang lebar cerita ini-itu tapi pas sebelom g klik save/publish tau2 laptopnya hang dan gak seperti lj, smua tulisan gue ilank!! bete gue.

masa gue beneran mesti nulis2 di word dulu baru dipindahin ke sini?

hectic life

kebalikan dari hari minggu yg dilewatin gitu aja, dari kemaren sampe skrg dibikin pusing soal embel2 urusan kerjaan yg lama2 setelah diliat2 lagi jadi mikir apa ini worthed the trouble and risks ya?

dikejer2 deadline ga jelas dengan tingkat resiko super tinggi dari orang2 yg entah apa bisa dipertanggungjawabkan. yang pasti terlalu risky buat kita.

this is one of the moments that makes me wish i have a career, working in other company instead of having a small company but have to mati2an and extra careful to survive. well, pardon my english yg lagi butut karena otak gue lagi capek dari kemaren mikirin soal ini.

blah.

whatever

is pamrih the same as expecting? there is still this stupid feeling that difficult to go away. it's that if-u-don't-do-it-then-don't-expect-me-to or if-u-do-that-i'll-do-the-same-too. is that pamrih? well, it applies to both good and bad things

a day of nothing

can't remember when was the last time i stay at home on a weekend. well, not the whole weekend but just today. yes, the whole of today. not even an inch outside the apartment. damn bored..

should've take this spare time to rest but instead i didn't lay a foot on my bed, although it's clear that starting tomorrow it's going to be a busy week. quite chaos, you might say. hope all will be alright.

yk has gone back to his home sweet home n sos in syd. looks like the next reunion might be on the next wedding party.

beyond reasonable doubt

is that the correct term we use in law thing? about someone is still innocent until proven guilty.

anyway, nothing from the above related to this post except for the doubt itself. yeah, i still have this feeling. tried to look inside myself but again it always lead back to the other side. attitudes that i tried to ignore and not making a big fuss about turn out to still affects me somehow. wondering the reasons for doing/not doing things are really as i was told or is there something else, for example not wanting to hurt other party? menjaga perasaan. if that's really it, then it was my feeling that wasn't taken into consideration.

which one do you think is better? not knowing it and be happy in white lies (agak seperti dibodohin) OR knowing things that cause not only relieve but worry too at the same time. which do you prefer?

an intermezzo

one guy with 3-4 girls around him available for him to choose. so he made the decision to choose one. but would that one chosen girl be the one he always think of? would that girl be the one he cares the most? only himself and God know what's inside the guy's head.

reunion, if everything's good

lin n y should be arriving this afternoon but yk is super busy running errands. contacted vie and tom already, just lack of tm and er, whom i can't remember when was my last contact with her.

quite difficult to join the 2 groups together, eh? especially when no one wants to be the eo. well, let's just see how it'll go tomorrow night after the party.

sudoku

gue punya hobi baru yg sebenernya ga guna yaitu main sudoku. lumayan bikin jadi mikir seh tapi yg ada pala jadi puyenk juga lama2 haha.. kemaren si c beli bukunya jadi ya uda deh gue lagi hobi2nya hehe. oiya, akhirnya kemaren gue kesampean juga makan soto mamat di muara karang padahal uda ngidamnya dari bulan lalu kali tuh ampe si c and kendi bosen gue cerewetin mamat mulu katanya haha.. enak sih tapi ga banyak menurut gue jadi yg ada gue makan 2 porsi and 2 nasi juga, that makes me eat as much as kendi!! *pingsan* si kendi aja bengong liat gue rakus gitu katanya hahaha... biarin deh abisnya entah kapan baru gue ketemu itu soto lagi =p

terus... ntar siang ke gading lagi. ada rif and mul yg janjian mau jalan bareng ma kita jadi lumayan seru sih harusnya. yk juga uda disini dan harusnya bisa ketemuan juga kalo pas gue telpon dia ada di rumah. kalo pi, dll kayaknya mending kalo mereka ga nyari gue ga usah nyari soalnya ntar bisa2 rusuh lagi deh.

old fling

that's the first comment that came out from n when i told her that pi is here and i went out with him on tuesday nite. what the? hey, we did talk on the phone and i, regrettably, shared my darkest secrets with him but nothing more than just used-to-be-close-friends-once. he did helped me moving on and cheer me up when i just ended a relationship last time but after that we didn't even contact each other for more than a year. until early this week when he suddenly msg me on fs saying he's back in jkt for good. i think he's looking for me just for companion, nothing more. well, after what happened last time, i don't think he will have any intention other that friendship towards me. he just came back from overseas and so he's looking for friends from everywhere.

a long tiring day

started with waking up from a bad dream that makes me feel bad for a moment, followed with endlessly request about the same thing from many places. definitely for the same target.

had a pair of sore eyes, backache and hungry. but still i'm sitting quietly in front of the screen typing useless things.

in need of a break

v and m: impatience, short-tempered, high-level voice tone, stubborn and judes. this drives dd mad slowly cos as i said dd is ignorant and slow, so v and m need to emphasize on important things for dd to get it.

additional for m: bertele-tele. this drives v and dd mad almost all the time. you don't need to be slow to know that this is annoying.

dd: ignorant, not paying enough attention about things and slow. this drives v and m mad because they have to repeat things again and again to make sure dd got it and so it makes them impatience dan keluarlah high-level tone which makes dd unhappy about that.

can u imagine how people with those characters and attitudes get along with each other? must be a damn great effort, huh? it's darn difficult. bener2 mesti pake usaha dan niat.

note: all these bad characters apply only among themselves. but i'm sure it could effect their attitudes towards other people too sometimes.

another wedding bell

received bet's wedding invitation this morning and it's on the 22nd this month. this is going to be a great reunion if lin, ym and hen are coming. too bad yk wouldn't be able to attend the wedding cos he got his sis' wedding held on the same time. but i hope we can meet up after that cos i don't think the others that come from out of town and overseas would stay long here.

hm... makin banyak aja temen2 gue yg uda merit.

soccer time

italy won 2-0 over germany alias the host!!!

c said that it was on the last 2 min that italy score both goals. wow... see? i've told him that it would be "seru" if the host lost. he said that this time italy played aggressively, more offensive than the usual defensive mode. well, don't really care nor understand soccer but i did love to see italy won. hate it when england and brazil had to pack home..

moms to be

i know that it's impossible but i'm not laughing about it anymore. yes, i started to freak out myself. it never happened before, i mean i never think about it at all, that's why i tot i was silly at first but as time passes it's not that funny anymore.

btw, ann is pregnant already!! wow.. bener2 bibit unggul, eh? another couple that broke the myth that says first time won't get you pregnant. see? her life is really one that very far from complicated but sometimes she denies that.

study - engaged - finish the degree - get merried - pregnant.

then only came the honeymoon. actually, ann and b are in their honeymoon tour now actually. what more can she expect? well, a few years relax before baby time could make it more perfect thou.. ta is also pregnant so yeah, i'm surrounded with preggers. and like an said, when is MY turn?? er.. but that's kinda scary for me now :p

anyway, that's life. people are never satisfied with what they have and they always look for what they don't or can't have in other people who have it.

wiken lagi

bener2 gila wiken dateng pergi cepet banget ga berasa. tadi pagi si ta telpon bilang dia uda di sini and ada di apt. mungkin dia dateng dari semalem tapi yg pasti gue rada males kalo bilang hari ini gue sempet bisa2 diajak ke bandung lagi deh ntar malem. gue emang lagi pengen maen2 ke bandung tapi kalo inget muka adenya mending ga usah deh. sumpe males banget liat muka adenya yg menyebalkan.

padahal pengen gue ajakin liat2 zara yang katanya lagi sale up to 50% tapi bisa2 gue digeret dia ampe malem deh. gimana mau excuse coba kalo tau2nya gue jadi mau nyusul si n and hen. pokoknya gue tetep berpikir kalo the whole member of that family are weirdos biarpun kategori anehnya beda2. yang paling mending ya cuma si ta itu menurut gue. semoga aja bener.

lame weirdo

I HATE THAT SUCKASS WEIRDO!!!

who the hell he think he is?? if it's not for the sake of my friendship with his sis and my mom's with his mother i would really really love to swear rude words and curse him and ban him from my eyesight.

dipikirnya dia kegantengan apa?? actually this is the second entry dedicated to swear at that sick weirdo. MENDING KALO DIA GANTENG!!

all the nice attitude he put up was fake. i never even feel flattered when he says nice things about me or even when he opens the door for me and my sis. it's obvious that he kinda have to put effort in doing all those crap. even my sis could see that there's something weird about the asshole since she met him. bahhh!!!!

ungg...

i got a funny question that makes me laugh. it's so impossible but really terrifying if it's real. but it's cute thou. well, i'm sure that he's actually worried and scared if that really happens. i know i will.

new template

akhirnya!! baru aja templatenya digantii sama si an. entah kenapa mungkin emang gue bener2 gaptek yg bener2 parah sampe ga bisa ganti sendiri padahal uda dia bikinin n tinggal g copy paste doank. haiyah..

yah yg penting untung ada dia deh hihihi..

crap about crap

feel pushed or trapped? huh? i almost gave up just now. don't know what's keeping me from doing it. perhaps my sanity n dvkcl. wish you were here..

moonlighting

the moon is on its full mode since yesterday night. err.. not that i'm in a romantic mood or anything but it can be seen clearly in front of me. i mean up there.

btw, i think it's been solved. or sort of. last night. i'm still a bit confused actually, but trying to make it simpler and just live it.

crap

after the long pointless talk about this, the thing i'm afraid of really happen and apparently it's been going on for quite sometime.

for better or worse

no, it's is not like the wedding vow. it's a darn question i've been asking myself again lately.

there might be a solution. not confirmed yet but yeah, it might eventually be solved by itself by the time if it really happens. still definitely gonna give a pang but maybe for the best? well, i don't know that anymore.

silence is gold?

suara gue ilank!! memang dari beberapa hari lalu gue ada batuk2 dikit dan dari kemaren pagi bangun uda mulai ngerasa ga beres karena suara uda setengah ilank2. pas si wen telpon jam 9an buat nanyain soal ikut ke gading aja juga uda setengah megap2 buat jawabnya.

pas siangan gue uda bisa ngomong lagi biarpun masih serak dan proses perubahan suara gue mulai dari yang serak-serak seksi menurut si helen tapi menurut gue kayak suara bencong TL ampe jadi kayak suara nenek2 yg kena asma megap2 gitu.

pas malem gue uda beneran susah ngomong tapi masih bisa didenger deh biarpun kayak anak bisu yg nyoba ngomong. sumpe jelek bgt n pas mau tidur uda ngerasa kayaknya suara gue ga ada lagi.

and skrg pas bangun? beneran aja suara gue ilank. mana pagi2 bonyok uda seperti biasa suka ngeselin ngomong yg ga perlu ampe gue kesel jg gue ga bisa nyaut!! ampe akhirnya yg bener2 perlu soal kerjaan gue coret2 di kertas buat kasih tau mereka. damn it. mungkin ini saat yg tepat buat gue belajar menahan diri juga.

bah.

a small group called family

why do i always lose my temper if it's with her? only about her and only with her. it's like i'm full of anger towards her. i'm tired of hurting each other. not to mention that she's not actually having the time of her life in the past few years..

i have a friend who tries to find comfort from outside cos according to her she doesn't find love at home, but what's the reason for me? she can never stay at home for more than one day. i still can survive a few days but not more than that, maybe it's just a matter of who you got for a company. i have all the warmth, love n care from home but still i'm looking from outside. the only reason i could find is perhaps what i receive is not what i want, at least not the way i want it to be, so i try to find it somewhere else. i know i'm such an ungrateful selfish child if compared in the same thing with my friend but i can't help it myself. i never want it to be like this. there's only 3 member in this family but seems that 3 is too much to handle too. sigh.

quotes here and there

"It takes a lifetime to know someone."
can't remember who said this but i guess it's true.

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. "
William Blake
sounds familiar?

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget. "
Thomas Szasz
hope i belong to the wise one, so i'll learn from the mistake. shame on you if you fool me once but shame on me if you fool me twice.

anything would be ok?

it is the nature of human being to get a grip or just hold on to the next best thing or option available, isn't it? the need to get out of insecure feeling.

constant reminder

i got another one last night but seems as time pass i try to ignore it. i'm living a lie, eh? i know there's more than that, i just know it. i don't know what i want anymore. did i ever know what i want, anyway? again, i'm living in denial nowadays.

mood swing

suddenly feel tired with all of this. wish i can have a more real reason to be mad or break down and cry about it. last night did make it clearer but still it didn't make it feel better. i don't like uncertainty but who's gonna know what could happen next? once again, i know baby steps are needed and does applied here but should there be a limit? i'm actually amazed myself that this could go this far without going anywhere. confused? get in line behind me cos so am i. seems i do care about the person more than i thought i do. the closer i am to people, the more i care about them. that's one of my weaknesses that could and have been taken advantage from by some people and that's the reason for the need of an invisible wall. i'm too self-centred, eh?

but i'm sure i'll get over this messed feeling in a few hour and everything will be normal again. i got a terrible mood swing since yesterday. it is near my time of the month thou. hehe..

life is a roller coaster too

everyone's having their hard time right now. just found out this morning that one of my mom's close friend had to let go of her billiard place. she starts selling things today. hope the wind from the closing door will open another door for all of us because everything happens for a reason.

letting it out

why should she bring out the best in hers in the expense of bringing out the bad in us? it's devastating for people around her. she made us said things we didn't mean to and then regret it afterwards. it's like we're letting it out on her because she annoys us on and on. it's wrong. dead wrong but she's the one who should change before we could change too because we've tried but she always push our limits.

btw, this is not connected to the previous entry about the quote. kinda related but totally different thing. it's not letting myself loose about this.

quote of the day

"It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back."
Mick Jagger

i need a map for my life

i realised i've chosen a wrong path for my life but nothing i can do to go back and fix it now. and sometimes the wrong path i took leads to another wrong decision. i'm lost. maybe not completely lost, since i knew where i screwed up, but i don't know which way to go anymore. i knew since back then that one day i might, no, make it i would, regret it. but look, there's no turning back and no point in looking back and regretting all either cos i'm the one who chose it. there's only one direction to go, to move forward, but still there are intersections along the way and as much as i hate to admit this, maybe i do need guidance. someone or something that can beat my stubborn head.

a stupid wall

i don't really care about other people that much anymore but i do about people who are close to me. the weird thing is somehow i have problem in trusting some of them. sometimes i question their honesty and loyalty. i do have a reason for that. well, i din't mean i completely distrust everyone but sometimes i do afraid to trust them. it's not all coming from myself but also from the people themselves on how they act. i'm afraid to do the same stupidity, foolishly trusting people just to be fooled. isn't it said that the closest people are the ones who can hurt you the most? cos they know you more than other people. i guess i'm just building somekind of wall of protection for myself. i'm tired of having to be cautious thou.. wish i can just let myself loose and be more open. maybe one day my distrust towards certain people might hurt them who care about me. hope it's not the people i really care about.

a cliched world

is it always about the social and economy status? no wonder if the rich are getting richer and the poor stays poor.

it's sad when 2 people can't get together just because they came from 2 different world because people around them, especially the higher status one, would object their togetherness and try everyway to separate them. it is sometimes difficult to cross and adapt to other level that certainly would be very different but is that so important? maybe it is.

he's just not that into you

watched oprah this morning and it's about the book written by a man dedicated for women. it's about guys, sex and relationship. well, basically it's an eye opener, a wake up call for girls out there and maybe for some guys too. can't be too harsh and say only men are evil.

actually this episode is a very old one and i've watched it a bit last time. perhaps from almost 2 years ago. i remember nin was the one who watched it that time and she's the one "lecturing" it all to us. well, that time was kinda click with n and her monkey business. oh, i think she talked about it to me again a few months ago in order to talk me into out of something.

there were lots of young women in the studio that questions their confusing relationship with their man. surely the book could help them get a clearer thought about whether they were really into each other or they were there just for the companionship and maybe sex. doubt means don't. no one like to be kept around as a secret or just someone you can look for anytime you need them and put them aside when you don't feel like their company. but the co-author did say so unless they are to be open since the beginning and tell the other person that you just want to get to know them, so it won't create any misunderstanding that leads to hopeless expectation in any of them. maybe it's true that women stick with their men with the hope that one day they'll change eventually, whereas men stay with the hope that their women will stay the same as they are now, pretty, slim and not asking too much. haha..

is it so hard to find a healthy, loving and committed relationship and to have it too these days?

heart

"bila kamu mencintainya kamu harus mengatakannya. cewek itu butuh kepastian."

kira2 seperti itulah salah satu dialog rahel (nirina) di film Heart yg g tonton tadi. kedengerannya mungkin berlebihan ya? tapi emang bener juga. siapa sih yg suka digantung? ce ataupun co jg pasti ga mau digituin karena yg pasti aja kadang masih bisa menimbulkan keraguan atau kebingungan.

tema filmnya itu kira2 tentang true love yg membutuhkan pengorbanan yg menurut g lumayan menyedihkan.. pengorbanan tulus yg sangat besar demi kebahagiaan orang yg dicintainya karena cinta itu sendiri tidak bisa diraihnya. tapi buat dia itulah cara dia untuk mencintai cinta sejatinya itu. terlalu berlebihan tapi mengharukan. tapi mungkin memang cinta tanpa keegoisan dan pamrih seperti itulah yg bisa disebut cinta sejati. blah.

karma, superstitious n the craps

do you believe in these kind of things?

i do.

what goes around, comes around. how you treat people would reflect on how people treat you. so maybe you can say that people around you are actually the reflections of you. something like that but not always cos there are times when you treat people nicely but still they treat you bad.

maybe that's the reason why sometimes people feel lonely cos no one can understand them.

how about this one?

prayers and wishes

this afternoon i accompanied c to church and the topic was something about ask for anything and you shall get it. would it be that simple? just say your prayers n it all shall be granted. maybe it's true that all prayers are answered but maybe the answer is no.

mimpi

hanyalah bunga tidur. tp mungkinkah itu jg sebuah pertanda untuk mengingatkan kita supaya jangan lengah? ada yg lucu karena kadang mimpi kita bisa berhubungan dengan mimpi orang lain, entah itu yg mirip2 atau malah bener2 sama atau nyambung. seperti pagi ini gue terbangun dalam keadaan mata yg uda rada sembab n setengah sobbing (ini indonya apa sih?). ini karena gue mimpi tentang gue kasar ma nyokap n gue nyesel ampe nangis ampe kebangun sendiri. pas siangannya gue cerita ke si c, eh ternyata kira2 di waktu yg sama dia mimpiin gue nangis jg! tapi karena sebab lain, karena jahatnya dia. hehe binun kan? mungkin kata2 gue tentang gue agak ga percaya sama dia bikin dia bt ampe kebawa mimpi kali ya? seperti yg gue pikirin tentang nyokap gue. kalo tentang c, gue bukan menilai dia negatif atau ga mau percaya dia gitu sih tapi itu lebih karena gue takut untuk percaya dia dan semua omongannya. dalam hal2 tertentu aja sih.

gorgeous dress

i've been eyeing on this ad in the cosmetic department inside Sogo/Metro or wherever they put it for the past few months. no, it's not the perfume. the dress, thank you. maybe i'll get the tailor to make this model but simpler. and by simpler i mean only 1 bow n without the cut on the thigh.

money means happiness. agree/disagree?

money really can't buy happiness, can it? but still it can buy lots of things n so sometimes it could console the loss in other way. much interesting way, actually hehe..

happiness keyword

can anyone define what that word means? i guess it depends on individuals about what they consider as one. some might think that it's about having everything that money can buy (with the money included, of course) and the other might think that living an ordinary life with simplicity is enough for them.

i think it all depends on how you see your life from your point of view. if you feel satisfied and grateful for what you have now, then you would consider your life happy. but if you always feel like you're lack of something, never enough of everything n always chasing things, then i guess you'll get tired eventually instead of feeling happy. we do have to compare ourself with the better one to motivate us but don't overdo it because we have to see what's below us too so that we can be more grateful of what we have.

uh.. i'm a bit sleepy now so pardon me if my wordings are confusing. i know i'm confused when i try to re-read of what i've wrote just now huhuhu..

truth, honesty n trust

does honesty being overrated sometime? maybe but maybe not. i don't object that a little white lie could do magic but sometimes i prefer the truth although it might not be something good for us cos it might open your eyes instead of living something that's not true. it's sad when you thought that things are like this but actually it's not.

trust is another thing. you need to earn this from other people. you have to work on it to build someone's trust in you, starting from your honesty and how your attitude in showing/proving it to as simple as giving good impressions. but once you lie or disappoint them it won't be easy to get it back.

roller coaster

another thing people say about falling in love is that it's like riding a roller coaster. come to think about it, perhaps it does make sense. just like the game, it usually starts slowly with the feeling of thrill n excitement as it goes up, but after it reach the top n it needs to turn it goes down so fast that we barely feel the excitement anymore. well, maybe some think that it's the fun part in riding it but definitely not for me. i don't like roller coaster cos no matter how many time i try to have fun n enjoy riding it, it always end up making me feel sick n headache. it's not fun for me at all. the last time i did it was at Genting more than 5 years ago. don't know if i even want to try it anymore.

but hey, there are people like me who are still eager to ride it again after all. and they even look for the more thrilling ride that could pump their adrenaline rush more and more. just like falling in love, no matter how hurt or disappointing it was, people are still searching for it. i know a few people who were being disappointed very badly by their lovers but still it didn't stop them from looking for a new one. some does take time to heal first but some could just move on. but then, there are also some who feel that they had it enough already n so they give up on it.

intersections

my life is always about intersections, about between choices that i might've already known what's best to be chosen, but mostly still undone. i only can decide what to do but never really doing it. a little pending here n there, taking things easy n not that serious about life. and no wonder when i look around now, here i am after 24 years of my life. nowhere! i'm still trying to live n survive it thou.

speaking about a long winding road with intersections, i'm amazed with people like anne. her life seems so "right".

and i envy people who are very passionate about things, something that they like or crazy about cos it make them seems more alive. en i don't know what's mine.

the object of my affection

obrolan malam ini menciptakan pikiran2 rumit di bawah ini.

apa itu sayang? gimana cara bedainnya sama cinta? atau perhatian? karena kadang2 bisa dibilang semuanya mirip, cuma beda2 tipis dan sejalan jadi agak membingungkan.

banyak email forward'an yg isinya mendeskripsikan tentang rasa2 di atas tapi sepertinya kenyataannya kadang lebih rumit dari itu.

apa rasa2 itu bisa diukur? dengan apa? dan gimana cara nunjukin atau buktiin rasa itu ke orang yg kita tuju? kata2? perbuatan? kadang hal ini sering menyesatkan. bukankah banyak orang yg melakukan hal2 bodoh dengan mengatasnamakan rasa2 itu?

mungkin memang rasa2 itu kadang bisa menyusahkan. mulai pesimis lagi deh..

as if things aren't complicated enough

i woke up this morning with an uneasy feeling. i still feel it, something heavy in my chest and it feels uncomfortable. last night i was too tired n sleepy to feel anything but this morning it all come out.

i think i do start to feel about it more than i want/plan to and yesterday was a clear evidence of my suspicion lately. and it makes me feel a slight of pang in the heart when we have to be stucked in that place because it's nothing. have to remember that feeling is overrated in this kind of thing. it's trouble that could get in the way n complicate things.

who's taking advantage from who now? maybe i'm too harsh with the wording, but i'm quite sure it all begins that way from the other side too. started with an idea to kill the time n i wonder how it would end.

i'm the one being indecissive here. all the other one do was maybe just being a gentleman, asking me from time to time if it's all ok. as one of my closest friends once told me about her story, we wouldn't be able to blame it on anyone else cos we're the one who volunteerly get into it n enjoy it. and i never deny that. that's why i don't know what's better for me.

maybe i need a new distraction to distract me from the current distraction? confusing, huh? but then i'm quite sure, IF there will be another one, the cycle might repeat itself again. hahaha... yeah, i guess i'm too soft n i'm still learning about this kind of thing.

being sweet n understanding

why can't i be sweet to the one that's supposed to be the closest person to me? i can be nice to other people, even to that old friend who just called me an hour ago, although it can't be said as sweet. it's just being polite, actually.

maybe it's just that people do take things for granted, as i did myself about this.

i never want to make her mad, unhappy or the least bit of sad, especially when she's in this condition, but it always turns out that way. it's like we can't get along well more than an hour. there's always something that would make me feel impatient about her, start from her being very care about me that often feels like she's nagging me with unimportant things like asking me to eat (repeated every 5 mins until i actually eat! i'm 24, not 14 thank you) to her slowness in getting important things i've been explaining to her.

aunt susan n my friends told me to be patient n give her more attention, but it often end up in me adding my guilt n karma list.

sigh.. this is the reason i often go out with my friends. kinda like running away from my problems, eh? but that's just the way it is. if getting along often just feel like hell for both of us, then not seeing too much of each other might be better rite? we can't really understand each other cos we're not trying hard enough. hey, this is not a big thing but it does could affect our relationship.

miscellaneous

watched Downfall at Gading yesterday, it's slightly longer than Munich. both confusing but the latter one was more complicated i think. well, both are not the kind of movies i usually go for but kinda interesting too.

finally bought that black & red devil RO character doll - resemblance of c's car n himself - at fashion hub after been eyeing for that cute thing in the small display window along the way to the XXI since the last few weeks. oh, the character's name is deviruchi. yeah, so not funny that my name is part of its haha.. i'll post a picture of it next time if i remember hehe..

i bought that cute thing for c. quite weird cos he was with me when i bought it so he knows the thing, price, etc. well, it's not about the price or anything. it's just weird when u buy people a gift with them involved in it. it's like there's no surprise anymore.

shouldn't let it loose. a little reminder again maybe?

between consciousness and insanity

hate myself for not preventing it
hate myself for not seeing it coming
hate myself for letting it go on
hate myself for enjoying it too

expectation

few days ago i got a question about whether i have any expectation about something. frankly, no. i dare not expect anything anymore, whether about life, friendship, etc. well, at least i don't expect for the impossible. i try to keep my expectation low so when things just turn out unlike what i want it to be i won't feel disappointed or hurt like what happened last time. but hey, i'm just a girl, a human being. although i don't expect anything but still there is some expectation. blank one thou, cos there's nothing to expect. confusing, eh? well, i did say i am complicated. who doesn't?

i do expect to get some respect. not the kind of respect you give to someone you honor or anything, i'm not someone crazy about being respected/honored. just a simple respect by treating me in a good n decent way, not changing between your moods. and for this one, i know it's not supposed to be like this but i want the other person to be open n honest as in if there's a new player, whether for real or just another thing, i wanna know so that i could have a chance to walk out first. is that too much to ask? i know i have no right whatsoever, and i know it makes me sounds weird, but i don't want to be in the middle of something nor something to compare of. maybe it's just that i don't like how it might turn up if it's not good for me. yeah, complicated. as i said, i'm just a human being with feelings n afraid to be hurt no matter what, so there's nothing wrong to be cautious rite?

a cute quote from pooh bear

I used to believe in forever, but forever is too good to be true.

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.

nothing to lose

my neck n shoulder are pain right now. don't know whether i slept on the wrong side of the pillow or what.

i blabbed too much yesterday. well, i can't do much if people judge me less cos that's just what it is. can't change who i am. i used to think that i'm worthless anyway.

life

this is taken from a random blog I found n i think it's interesting.

Do you ever wonder what life is about? I do. It's an insane roller coaster spinning around in circles that never seems to stop. But it does stop, right when you don't need it too. Right when it starts to straighten out, you find yourself free falling into a pit of disaster, filled with writhing snakes and roaring tigers, waiting to eat you up. And you can't stop it. You can't prevent it. And then you find yourself having to get yourself out of your pit, right after you just helped someone get out.

falling in love n the craps

love. what is love?

some said it starts with a kiss and ends with tears. some said it never ends.

what's it like to fall in love? how does it feel? is it really something that can change a person to a better someone like they said in all the romance novels and romantic drama?

yesterday ellen called n she said she's experiencing it now, all the things that we all thought it only exist in movies, novels and all the fairytales. well, this is actually her second time. i'm not sure about mine.

i wanna have it too. in a real sense, not just the excitement in the beginning of something that fades with time n boredom. is there anyone out there who can make me feel that way? and for me to return the head over heels feeling to that other half.

but that's not all. here comes the real thing. the next after falling in love is trying to make things work, not only between the 2 but everything. i mean everything. starts from accepting each other the way they are we have to adapt with each other's situation too. it's quite torturing to fall in love itself, in a good way as people say thou, so let alone the pain for letting go the impossible. a brilliant mix between sweet and bitterness.

but to be honest, i don't really believe there's such thing as true love anymore. love is not something that always wonderful, at least not completely just the good thing. it's not always a thing that suddenly come to you out of nowhere when you do nothing. it is sometime come when you least expect it but you do still need to reach it, to earn it. but again, maybe it's just me being cynical hehe..

hm.. i wanna watch old movies but don't know where to get it. i'm interested in casablanca, my fair lady n the one in the sleepless in seattle movie n other audrey hepburn's n the other classic beauties movies.

another blog

yeah this is the third online journal/diary/blog or whatever it is they call it. the point is i make this one just out of curiosity to create nice template like what other people got, but don't think i'm capable of doing that hehe..