a small group called family

why do i always lose my temper if it's with her? only about her and only with her. it's like i'm full of anger towards her. i'm tired of hurting each other. not to mention that she's not actually having the time of her life in the past few years..

i have a friend who tries to find comfort from outside cos according to her she doesn't find love at home, but what's the reason for me? she can never stay at home for more than one day. i still can survive a few days but not more than that, maybe it's just a matter of who you got for a company. i have all the warmth, love n care from home but still i'm looking from outside. the only reason i could find is perhaps what i receive is not what i want, at least not the way i want it to be, so i try to find it somewhere else. i know i'm such an ungrateful selfish child if compared in the same thing with my friend but i can't help it myself. i never want it to be like this. there's only 3 member in this family but seems that 3 is too much to handle too. sigh.

quotes here and there

"It takes a lifetime to know someone."
can't remember who said this but i guess it's true.

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. "
William Blake
sounds familiar?

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget. "
Thomas Szasz
hope i belong to the wise one, so i'll learn from the mistake. shame on you if you fool me once but shame on me if you fool me twice.

anything would be ok?

it is the nature of human being to get a grip or just hold on to the next best thing or option available, isn't it? the need to get out of insecure feeling.

constant reminder

i got another one last night but seems as time pass i try to ignore it. i'm living a lie, eh? i know there's more than that, i just know it. i don't know what i want anymore. did i ever know what i want, anyway? again, i'm living in denial nowadays.

mood swing

suddenly feel tired with all of this. wish i can have a more real reason to be mad or break down and cry about it. last night did make it clearer but still it didn't make it feel better. i don't like uncertainty but who's gonna know what could happen next? once again, i know baby steps are needed and does applied here but should there be a limit? i'm actually amazed myself that this could go this far without going anywhere. confused? get in line behind me cos so am i. seems i do care about the person more than i thought i do. the closer i am to people, the more i care about them. that's one of my weaknesses that could and have been taken advantage from by some people and that's the reason for the need of an invisible wall. i'm too self-centred, eh?

but i'm sure i'll get over this messed feeling in a few hour and everything will be normal again. i got a terrible mood swing since yesterday. it is near my time of the month thou. hehe..

life is a roller coaster too

everyone's having their hard time right now. just found out this morning that one of my mom's close friend had to let go of her billiard place. she starts selling things today. hope the wind from the closing door will open another door for all of us because everything happens for a reason.

letting it out

why should she bring out the best in hers in the expense of bringing out the bad in us? it's devastating for people around her. she made us said things we didn't mean to and then regret it afterwards. it's like we're letting it out on her because she annoys us on and on. it's wrong. dead wrong but she's the one who should change before we could change too because we've tried but she always push our limits.

btw, this is not connected to the previous entry about the quote. kinda related but totally different thing. it's not letting myself loose about this.

quote of the day

"It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back."
Mick Jagger

i need a map for my life

i realised i've chosen a wrong path for my life but nothing i can do to go back and fix it now. and sometimes the wrong path i took leads to another wrong decision. i'm lost. maybe not completely lost, since i knew where i screwed up, but i don't know which way to go anymore. i knew since back then that one day i might, no, make it i would, regret it. but look, there's no turning back and no point in looking back and regretting all either cos i'm the one who chose it. there's only one direction to go, to move forward, but still there are intersections along the way and as much as i hate to admit this, maybe i do need guidance. someone or something that can beat my stubborn head.

a stupid wall

i don't really care about other people that much anymore but i do about people who are close to me. the weird thing is somehow i have problem in trusting some of them. sometimes i question their honesty and loyalty. i do have a reason for that. well, i din't mean i completely distrust everyone but sometimes i do afraid to trust them. it's not all coming from myself but also from the people themselves on how they act. i'm afraid to do the same stupidity, foolishly trusting people just to be fooled. isn't it said that the closest people are the ones who can hurt you the most? cos they know you more than other people. i guess i'm just building somekind of wall of protection for myself. i'm tired of having to be cautious thou.. wish i can just let myself loose and be more open. maybe one day my distrust towards certain people might hurt them who care about me. hope it's not the people i really care about.

a cliched world

is it always about the social and economy status? no wonder if the rich are getting richer and the poor stays poor.

it's sad when 2 people can't get together just because they came from 2 different world because people around them, especially the higher status one, would object their togetherness and try everyway to separate them. it is sometimes difficult to cross and adapt to other level that certainly would be very different but is that so important? maybe it is.

he's just not that into you

watched oprah this morning and it's about the book written by a man dedicated for women. it's about guys, sex and relationship. well, basically it's an eye opener, a wake up call for girls out there and maybe for some guys too. can't be too harsh and say only men are evil.

actually this episode is a very old one and i've watched it a bit last time. perhaps from almost 2 years ago. i remember nin was the one who watched it that time and she's the one "lecturing" it all to us. well, that time was kinda click with n and her monkey business. oh, i think she talked about it to me again a few months ago in order to talk me into out of something.

there were lots of young women in the studio that questions their confusing relationship with their man. surely the book could help them get a clearer thought about whether they were really into each other or they were there just for the companionship and maybe sex. doubt means don't. no one like to be kept around as a secret or just someone you can look for anytime you need them and put them aside when you don't feel like their company. but the co-author did say so unless they are to be open since the beginning and tell the other person that you just want to get to know them, so it won't create any misunderstanding that leads to hopeless expectation in any of them. maybe it's true that women stick with their men with the hope that one day they'll change eventually, whereas men stay with the hope that their women will stay the same as they are now, pretty, slim and not asking too much. haha..

is it so hard to find a healthy, loving and committed relationship and to have it too these days?

heart

"bila kamu mencintainya kamu harus mengatakannya. cewek itu butuh kepastian."

kira2 seperti itulah salah satu dialog rahel (nirina) di film Heart yg g tonton tadi. kedengerannya mungkin berlebihan ya? tapi emang bener juga. siapa sih yg suka digantung? ce ataupun co jg pasti ga mau digituin karena yg pasti aja kadang masih bisa menimbulkan keraguan atau kebingungan.

tema filmnya itu kira2 tentang true love yg membutuhkan pengorbanan yg menurut g lumayan menyedihkan.. pengorbanan tulus yg sangat besar demi kebahagiaan orang yg dicintainya karena cinta itu sendiri tidak bisa diraihnya. tapi buat dia itulah cara dia untuk mencintai cinta sejatinya itu. terlalu berlebihan tapi mengharukan. tapi mungkin memang cinta tanpa keegoisan dan pamrih seperti itulah yg bisa disebut cinta sejati. blah.

karma, superstitious n the craps

do you believe in these kind of things?

i do.

what goes around, comes around. how you treat people would reflect on how people treat you. so maybe you can say that people around you are actually the reflections of you. something like that but not always cos there are times when you treat people nicely but still they treat you bad.

maybe that's the reason why sometimes people feel lonely cos no one can understand them.

how about this one?

prayers and wishes

this afternoon i accompanied c to church and the topic was something about ask for anything and you shall get it. would it be that simple? just say your prayers n it all shall be granted. maybe it's true that all prayers are answered but maybe the answer is no.

mimpi

hanyalah bunga tidur. tp mungkinkah itu jg sebuah pertanda untuk mengingatkan kita supaya jangan lengah? ada yg lucu karena kadang mimpi kita bisa berhubungan dengan mimpi orang lain, entah itu yg mirip2 atau malah bener2 sama atau nyambung. seperti pagi ini gue terbangun dalam keadaan mata yg uda rada sembab n setengah sobbing (ini indonya apa sih?). ini karena gue mimpi tentang gue kasar ma nyokap n gue nyesel ampe nangis ampe kebangun sendiri. pas siangannya gue cerita ke si c, eh ternyata kira2 di waktu yg sama dia mimpiin gue nangis jg! tapi karena sebab lain, karena jahatnya dia. hehe binun kan? mungkin kata2 gue tentang gue agak ga percaya sama dia bikin dia bt ampe kebawa mimpi kali ya? seperti yg gue pikirin tentang nyokap gue. kalo tentang c, gue bukan menilai dia negatif atau ga mau percaya dia gitu sih tapi itu lebih karena gue takut untuk percaya dia dan semua omongannya. dalam hal2 tertentu aja sih.

gorgeous dress

i've been eyeing on this ad in the cosmetic department inside Sogo/Metro or wherever they put it for the past few months. no, it's not the perfume. the dress, thank you. maybe i'll get the tailor to make this model but simpler. and by simpler i mean only 1 bow n without the cut on the thigh.

money means happiness. agree/disagree?

money really can't buy happiness, can it? but still it can buy lots of things n so sometimes it could console the loss in other way. much interesting way, actually hehe..

happiness keyword

can anyone define what that word means? i guess it depends on individuals about what they consider as one. some might think that it's about having everything that money can buy (with the money included, of course) and the other might think that living an ordinary life with simplicity is enough for them.

i think it all depends on how you see your life from your point of view. if you feel satisfied and grateful for what you have now, then you would consider your life happy. but if you always feel like you're lack of something, never enough of everything n always chasing things, then i guess you'll get tired eventually instead of feeling happy. we do have to compare ourself with the better one to motivate us but don't overdo it because we have to see what's below us too so that we can be more grateful of what we have.

uh.. i'm a bit sleepy now so pardon me if my wordings are confusing. i know i'm confused when i try to re-read of what i've wrote just now huhuhu..

truth, honesty n trust

does honesty being overrated sometime? maybe but maybe not. i don't object that a little white lie could do magic but sometimes i prefer the truth although it might not be something good for us cos it might open your eyes instead of living something that's not true. it's sad when you thought that things are like this but actually it's not.

trust is another thing. you need to earn this from other people. you have to work on it to build someone's trust in you, starting from your honesty and how your attitude in showing/proving it to as simple as giving good impressions. but once you lie or disappoint them it won't be easy to get it back.

roller coaster

another thing people say about falling in love is that it's like riding a roller coaster. come to think about it, perhaps it does make sense. just like the game, it usually starts slowly with the feeling of thrill n excitement as it goes up, but after it reach the top n it needs to turn it goes down so fast that we barely feel the excitement anymore. well, maybe some think that it's the fun part in riding it but definitely not for me. i don't like roller coaster cos no matter how many time i try to have fun n enjoy riding it, it always end up making me feel sick n headache. it's not fun for me at all. the last time i did it was at Genting more than 5 years ago. don't know if i even want to try it anymore.

but hey, there are people like me who are still eager to ride it again after all. and they even look for the more thrilling ride that could pump their adrenaline rush more and more. just like falling in love, no matter how hurt or disappointing it was, people are still searching for it. i know a few people who were being disappointed very badly by their lovers but still it didn't stop them from looking for a new one. some does take time to heal first but some could just move on. but then, there are also some who feel that they had it enough already n so they give up on it.

intersections

my life is always about intersections, about between choices that i might've already known what's best to be chosen, but mostly still undone. i only can decide what to do but never really doing it. a little pending here n there, taking things easy n not that serious about life. and no wonder when i look around now, here i am after 24 years of my life. nowhere! i'm still trying to live n survive it thou.

speaking about a long winding road with intersections, i'm amazed with people like anne. her life seems so "right".

and i envy people who are very passionate about things, something that they like or crazy about cos it make them seems more alive. en i don't know what's mine.

the object of my affection

obrolan malam ini menciptakan pikiran2 rumit di bawah ini.

apa itu sayang? gimana cara bedainnya sama cinta? atau perhatian? karena kadang2 bisa dibilang semuanya mirip, cuma beda2 tipis dan sejalan jadi agak membingungkan.

banyak email forward'an yg isinya mendeskripsikan tentang rasa2 di atas tapi sepertinya kenyataannya kadang lebih rumit dari itu.

apa rasa2 itu bisa diukur? dengan apa? dan gimana cara nunjukin atau buktiin rasa itu ke orang yg kita tuju? kata2? perbuatan? kadang hal ini sering menyesatkan. bukankah banyak orang yg melakukan hal2 bodoh dengan mengatasnamakan rasa2 itu?

mungkin memang rasa2 itu kadang bisa menyusahkan. mulai pesimis lagi deh..

as if things aren't complicated enough

i woke up this morning with an uneasy feeling. i still feel it, something heavy in my chest and it feels uncomfortable. last night i was too tired n sleepy to feel anything but this morning it all come out.

i think i do start to feel about it more than i want/plan to and yesterday was a clear evidence of my suspicion lately. and it makes me feel a slight of pang in the heart when we have to be stucked in that place because it's nothing. have to remember that feeling is overrated in this kind of thing. it's trouble that could get in the way n complicate things.

who's taking advantage from who now? maybe i'm too harsh with the wording, but i'm quite sure it all begins that way from the other side too. started with an idea to kill the time n i wonder how it would end.

i'm the one being indecissive here. all the other one do was maybe just being a gentleman, asking me from time to time if it's all ok. as one of my closest friends once told me about her story, we wouldn't be able to blame it on anyone else cos we're the one who volunteerly get into it n enjoy it. and i never deny that. that's why i don't know what's better for me.

maybe i need a new distraction to distract me from the current distraction? confusing, huh? but then i'm quite sure, IF there will be another one, the cycle might repeat itself again. hahaha... yeah, i guess i'm too soft n i'm still learning about this kind of thing.

being sweet n understanding

why can't i be sweet to the one that's supposed to be the closest person to me? i can be nice to other people, even to that old friend who just called me an hour ago, although it can't be said as sweet. it's just being polite, actually.

maybe it's just that people do take things for granted, as i did myself about this.

i never want to make her mad, unhappy or the least bit of sad, especially when she's in this condition, but it always turns out that way. it's like we can't get along well more than an hour. there's always something that would make me feel impatient about her, start from her being very care about me that often feels like she's nagging me with unimportant things like asking me to eat (repeated every 5 mins until i actually eat! i'm 24, not 14 thank you) to her slowness in getting important things i've been explaining to her.

aunt susan n my friends told me to be patient n give her more attention, but it often end up in me adding my guilt n karma list.

sigh.. this is the reason i often go out with my friends. kinda like running away from my problems, eh? but that's just the way it is. if getting along often just feel like hell for both of us, then not seeing too much of each other might be better rite? we can't really understand each other cos we're not trying hard enough. hey, this is not a big thing but it does could affect our relationship.

miscellaneous

watched Downfall at Gading yesterday, it's slightly longer than Munich. both confusing but the latter one was more complicated i think. well, both are not the kind of movies i usually go for but kinda interesting too.

finally bought that black & red devil RO character doll - resemblance of c's car n himself - at fashion hub after been eyeing for that cute thing in the small display window along the way to the XXI since the last few weeks. oh, the character's name is deviruchi. yeah, so not funny that my name is part of its haha.. i'll post a picture of it next time if i remember hehe..

i bought that cute thing for c. quite weird cos he was with me when i bought it so he knows the thing, price, etc. well, it's not about the price or anything. it's just weird when u buy people a gift with them involved in it. it's like there's no surprise anymore.

shouldn't let it loose. a little reminder again maybe?

between consciousness and insanity

hate myself for not preventing it
hate myself for not seeing it coming
hate myself for letting it go on
hate myself for enjoying it too