i wish there's a mask that could always cover all my flaws. i wish i could be that mask.

sayangnya self control saya sangat payah sehingga topeng pun hanya bisa tahan dipakai sebentar sebelum akhirnya dibuang dan wajah asli pun terlihat.

yah sedikit banyak capek juga rasanya kalo harus bertopeng terus walaupun sebenarnya kadang diperlukan. ada juga yang akhirnya karena terlalu sering memakai topeng untuk menutupi wajah asli akhirnya topeng itu pun menjadi satu dengan dirinya. dan akhirnya jadi bingung sendiri dengan wajah yang sebenarnya seperti apa.

gak jelas yg satu ini tergolong jenis apaan. antik. kalo dibilang ayam pasti tersinggung padahal rasanya ada ciri2nya sedikit banyak.

yah, there goes my mood for bangkok. fun spoiler.

kenapa sih ga bisa mikir lurus aja? ga perlu sampe jauh2 ke ujung kulon tapi melenceng ga jelas. yg harusnya dipikirkan dan terpikirkan malah ga dianggap sama sekali. heran.

dipikir-pikir lucu juga. after 26 years of silence now only they start to fuss about it. they did wait according to the wise old man's word, eh?

after all these years they're afraid of me wanting it now suddenly they think it's time for me to think about it. and so the questions were asked.

hmph.

that question came again from the usually silent one, but in different sentence. i do think that this won't happen if i'm just with myself, got what i mean? would that be a better way? considering and looking at the current situation you guys might just say that the uncertainty is not much different from that. can't differentiate a go or no go situation. clueless. i don't even know how am i suppose to answer them. cos i don't know it myself.

there goes my bad melancholy side, the negative thinker. although you could say that sometimes i have a very darn good sense, that i can just see what's gonna happen even before things started, so it's not totally just negative thoughts.

all in all, insecurity is not a feeling you could ignore and just pretend everything is ok when it's not. it's called denial.

ketika kita berdoa dan meminta sesuatu tetapi tidak dikabulkan, mungkin jawaban dari permintaan tersebut adalah tidak. dan ketika kita menolak untuk membaca bahwa semua signs dari jawaban tersebut adalah tidak, maka kita tidak akan bisa menerimanya dan yg timbul adalah fase denial.

ironis.

obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

interesting.

rumput tetangga pasti keliatan lebih ijo

aneh rasanya bisa iri melihat kedekatan dan keakraban sepasang orang yang bahkan bukan pasangan. melihat bagaimana mereka sangat rukun bercanda dan bahkan bisa manja2an. ga ada berantem2 atau apapun yg rumit. bahkan kadang terlihat lebih "coupley" daripada yg couple beneran.

hmm..

gak kerasa it's already the second half of the time left for the deadline thing. mungkin ternyata gak terlalu efektif karena dari obrolan tadi sepertinya ada missing pieces here and there. yang seharusnya ditetapkan seperti apa pada awalnya akhirnya malah terlupakan dan jadi ga jelas.

i don't know what's best for both parties anymore. i just know this isn't suppose to be like this. too many things in both plus and minus to be taken in consideration. to be honest, i felt the same hopeless, but taking the easy way out is not my preferred choice. and definitely i won't let you take that shortcut either. it's no win-win. i still think that this could happen. it's just that you're the one who should take the lead and make a big step now. it's your turn. i've done what i can under that condition. with such low secure feeling.

can't you understand that i need that more than anything else? can't you see that i'm crying out loud begging for you to give what i need for the sake of all? i need something for me to hold on too. something more real. is that too much too ask? i know it's big but it's not like asking for you to die for me.

maybe i'm in denial. that i actually know already that it might turn out like this. but as the girls was saying about our own problems, it's not that easy to stick to what you've planned as the consequences. we're all afraid of taking the risks. or chances, for those optimist people. and so, pretending it's not the way it is, is easier.