what makes ppl stay? what makes ppl leave?

kalo ngeliat orang2 yg keliatannya too good to be true tapi memang that kind of luck does exist rasanya iri dan jadi sedih.

orang bilang mata itu jendela hati dan rasanya memang benar karena semua bisa terlihat dari cara memandang, memperlakukan dan sebagainya yg semuanya menyampaikan atau mungkin sekedar menyiratkan apa yg dirasakan di hati. atau apa yg tidak dirasakan juga bisa tersampaikan.

jangan sampai alasan untuk stay adalah karena stuck. yg walaupun menyedihkan tapi adalah kenyataan yg sangat umum.

fragile, handle with extra care

kalo diliat2 mungkin kita tuh kayak boneka porselen yg dari tampilan luar kayaknya bagus ya? padahal sebenernya sangat rapuh. kalo kesenggol dikit dan jatoh paling dikit kalo gak hancur pasti somplak.

sedih rasanya kalo dipikir2 gak punya dasar yg kuat.
trust - bermasalah karena kurangnya komunikasi dan keterbukaan
communication - bermasalah karena kurangnya keterbukaan
honesty - bermasalah entah karena apa lagi
semuanya lingkaran setan yg saling berhubungan dan seharusnya saling menopang.

sampai sekarang dengan adanya tanggal tetep aja selalu ada hal2 tertentu yg tiba2 muncul sedikit demi sedikit yg menambah keraguan gue. dan mungkin ketakutan gue. dan bukan sesuatu yg mengada-ada. bukan jg cold feet, karena ini sudah ada sejak dulu dan gue pesimis akan selalu ada. not shockingly. mungkin selama ini gue yg selalu denial dan berusaha menipu diri sendiri karena dibutakan oleh rasa. rasa yg sebenernya juga gue gak tau apakah itu nyata juga dari sana atau cuma gue yg sibuk sendiri.

yg pasti, gue gak suka dan gak sudi kalo dibodoh-bodohin. gue gak mau jadi orang terakhir yg tau mengenai hal penting yg seharusnya gue lebih tau daripada orang lain.

for better or for worse. bah

after so long without any update here finally i come again to rant. about the same old f***ing boring things. sigh

i tot it would be a fun and exciting thing to see to but maybe i was wrong. sigh. i'm too upset to even write the whole thing.

nevermind then. sigh

new year, new beginning, new hope?

have faith.

that's a piece of advise i got from a friend when i told him about my unpredictable future about it.

maybe i should make that my new year's resolution? blah.

oh, happy new year guys.

and on a lighter note, i just came back from his home town. a dear buddy of his were getting married and he's one of the best men. as said and proven, the weather's very hot there and nothing much to be expected except for lots of food.

hmm...

a picture to describe a thousand word

my favourite photo from our bali trip earlier this month. kinda cute, eh? hehe.. it succesfully caught the situation at that moment perfectly.

unconditional love?

this is quoted from a friend

love is giving, not taking --> so if you heard about take & give, it's something like this:
you give, what the other can take
and you take, what the other can give
you don't give, what the other doesn't want to take
and you don't ask for, what the other doesn't have

if it doesn't work, then give it away

hueh.. itu kata2 buntutnya pait bener ya..

what's wrong with us? what's really going on??
small things became big and bigger things became huge.

my panic alarm seems to be lagging yesterday, or perhaps you can say i was still in denial phase. well, maybe being denial isn't so bad at all. at least it caused lesser pain than crying out until you think you can't breath and you feel a slight pain in your chest from the suffocation.

i thought i could be open and be myself with you. i though you could be someone i could share everything with and support me, no matter if i'm right or wrong. i know i'm not always right, you said it yourself i'm not that stupid that i can't not knowing what i'm doing. sometimes i do know what i do is wrong and i would regret that later on. but i really never thought that someday you would use it and get it back at me by pointing it out as my ugly things.

gak nyangka. sama sekali gak kepikiran kalo semua hal yang dishare, mulai dari curhat, uneg-uneg, marah, sampe yang putus asa, bisa dijadiin bumerang ke diri sendiri untuk menunjukkan kesalahan-kesalahan yg memang sudah ada dan disama-ratakan pula.

i'm sorry if i offended you in anyway, baik yg disengaja ataupun yg cuma asal ngomong tanpa ada maksud lebih dalam tapi ternyata terdengar keterlaluan.

but don't judge me. please don't. you're not in my position so you won't know the real things.
i know i have my bad, but i have my good side too.
jangan sama-ratakan antara 1 hal dengan hal yg lain, ataupun antara 1 orang dengan orang yg lain cuma berdasarkan dari yg loe lihat dan loe dengar. mungkin loe memang banyak melihat dan mendengar tapi itu gak berarti loe melihat dan mendengar semuanya. apalagi kalo loe bisa tau itu adalah karena memang mostly semua itu di-share ke loe tanpa ditutup-tutupi.

scary deja vu

belakangan ini ada hal yang bikin gue takut. entah kenapa semakin dilihat rasanya makin terlihat adanya kemiripan seseorang yang gak g suka dalam dirinya. menakutkan.

missed buses

must i push to the limit if u can't just take hints? yg kayaknya uda bukan dengan bisikan lagi tapi dengan teriakan. i'm sure u're not deaf nor blind. u're just ignoring it. berlagak bego. berlagak gila.

i think about it quite often lately. yang ujung-ujungnya berakhir dengan desahan napas yang menyesakkan dan air mata yang maksa mau keluar. the more i think of it, the more sad i become. it seems hopeless.

i don't know what i want anymore. di satu sisi, somehow i feel i must move on if it's still clueless. life goes on while u're busy wasting time. tapi di sisi yg lain i'm too scared to make any decision. takut untuk keluar dari comfort zone denial ini, bahwa semua pasti akan jadi lebih jelas. sejak tahun lalu. dan msh ada yang memberatkan hati dan juga sesuatu yg akan meninggalkan kesan buruk. and the worst part, either way is my lost. nasib sebagai pihak yang lebih lemah memang merugikan.

wish i have the strength and courrage to make a choice. by now u should know already how hard it was to get to this point, which is not far from where we started it. and next stop seems nowhere to be seen. entah kapan nyampenya. kadang rasanya hopeless.

how can u move on if u can't let go?

ignorance is bliss. wish i have it

is it wrong to have different expectations now and then?

people change, and perhaps so do their expectations toward things or other people. things that used to matter a lot could be something unimportant now or the other way around. i've seen that happens. and there are lots of disappointments from where it came from. and you can't really put the blame on anyone.

you can't make someone change into the way you want them to be. so it's not really A's fault if he/she stays the same but B change his/her mind about something A does/doesn't. things that were ok in the beginning might now feel annoying. what's left are only disappointments and regrets in B's heart and mind. and to be honest, i'm very scared about it too. i don't know whether my expectations would stay the same or change while there's possibility that things might stay the way they are.

please don't let me do/say things that would add the list of things i regret..

sometimes i wonder if i've made the right decision about this all this time. just crossing my fingers and wishing very hard that there would be no regrets. now or later.

well, you know how suck i am at making the right choices.

blah.

ada kalanya ingin berteriak memaki dengan kata2 yang sangat tajam dan menusuk untuk membalas agar orang tersebut bisa merasakan juga sakitnya. tapi gimanapun kata2 dan perbuatan pasti beda hasilnya.

sampai sekarang topik itu masih sukses membangkitkan rasa marah dan benci yg amat sangat sampai rasanya ingin menyumpah serapah. sayangnya belum tentu ada guna. yg ada bikin karma sendiri karena ngeluarin kata2 buruk.

dipikir-pikir lucu juga. after 26 years of silence now only they start to fuss about it. they did wait according to the wise old man's word, eh?

after all these years they're afraid of me wanting it now suddenly they think it's time for me to think about it. and so the questions were asked.

hmph.

that question came again from the usually silent one, but in different sentence. i do think that this won't happen if i'm just with myself, got what i mean? would that be a better way? considering and looking at the current situation you guys might just say that the uncertainty is not much different from that. can't differentiate a go or no go situation. clueless. i don't even know how am i suppose to answer them. cos i don't know it myself.

there goes my bad melancholy side, the negative thinker. although you could say that sometimes i have a very darn good sense, that i can just see what's gonna happen even before things started, so it's not totally just negative thoughts.

all in all, insecurity is not a feeling you could ignore and just pretend everything is ok when it's not. it's called denial.

ketika kita berdoa dan meminta sesuatu tetapi tidak dikabulkan, mungkin jawaban dari permintaan tersebut adalah tidak. dan ketika kita menolak untuk membaca bahwa semua signs dari jawaban tersebut adalah tidak, maka kita tidak akan bisa menerimanya dan yg timbul adalah fase denial.

ironis.

gak kerasa it's already the second half of the time left for the deadline thing. mungkin ternyata gak terlalu efektif karena dari obrolan tadi sepertinya ada missing pieces here and there. yang seharusnya ditetapkan seperti apa pada awalnya akhirnya malah terlupakan dan jadi ga jelas.

i don't know what's best for both parties anymore. i just know this isn't suppose to be like this. too many things in both plus and minus to be taken in consideration. to be honest, i felt the same hopeless, but taking the easy way out is not my preferred choice. and definitely i won't let you take that shortcut either. it's no win-win. i still think that this could happen. it's just that you're the one who should take the lead and make a big step now. it's your turn. i've done what i can under that condition. with such low secure feeling.

can't you understand that i need that more than anything else? can't you see that i'm crying out loud begging for you to give what i need for the sake of all? i need something for me to hold on too. something more real. is that too much too ask? i know it's big but it's not like asking for you to die for me.

maybe i'm in denial. that i actually know already that it might turn out like this. but as the girls was saying about our own problems, it's not that easy to stick to what you've planned as the consequences. we're all afraid of taking the risks. or chances, for those optimist people. and so, pretending it's not the way it is, is easier.

i'm still scared about that thing that it haunted me in my dreams. it's the second time this week. i need to find that secure feeling back. i don't know how but definitely i can't do it by myself.

an unspoken note to you

when i said i can't forget what you did and don't know how to fully trust you again, i really meant it. and i expected you that time to be humble, to lower your ego and calm me down. but instead, you act ignorant and arrogantly said, "jadi gimana donk?". dengan tampang dan nada menantang.

you really don't know how to have a relationship, do you? you really don't know where your position is. after what you did, itu benar2 tidak pada tempatnya. tidak sadar dimana seharusnya menempatkan posisi diri sendiri. dan itu sangat mengecewakan. atau semua itu dilakukan dengan sengaja dengan maksud memancing reaksi selanjutnya dari pihak sini? supaya dapat escape dengan mudahnya? karena situ sebagai pihak bersalah tidak punya nyali untuk melakukannya?

do you really think that no matter what you do i would always stick around? cos you know the reason for me being attached and you make use of that? so you can do whatever you like and think that it's my choice to accept it? if yes, ashamed to admit it myself, you're no gentleman at all. you're just a boy with a giant ego. i hope you do realize that pathetic truth about yourself.

until now i still can't figure out if this is going there... i know it's going somewhere, but i just don't know if it's going there where i hope it is.

i miss the clear blue night sky with the very bright moonlight and stars everyway you look up. it was in bandung last friday, so beautiful in a breezy night that i felt like laying down on that parking lot just to enjoy the view longer. it was almost 2am. we just finished a movie marathon with jaf n his cousin, lusi.

strangely it gives that "plong" feeling when you look at it. felt like nothing else matter, just wanna enjoy that moment. felt like magic, amazed by how beautiful it was. atau lebih tepatnya kampungan karena di kota ga bisa liat clear night sky kayak gitu. huh.

anyway, that euphoric feeling doesn't last long. that was the night before i found out about the thing. so much for the starry night. what's left now is a feeling like there's a tonne of rock that hits me.

sometimes there are things that just can't be compromised due to the very opposite point of view, so the only way out is for one of them to take a break and let the other get it. i'm sure the favour would be returned.

seperti jalan di jalanan sempit yg cuma ada 1 jalur tapi memang ditujukan untuk bisa 2 arah. kalo ada 2 mobil datang dari 2 arah sama2 maju terus dan akhirnya ketemu di tengah hadap2an apa akhirnya ada yg bisa lewat? pasti salah satu harus ngalah dan mundur supaya akhirnya dua2nya bisa lewat dan sampe di tujuan masing2, kan? and that's what they called taking turns. bukannya malah ngotot ribut di tempat karena uda pasti sia2. yg kayak gini ini yg justru butuh action, bukan adu kerasnya.

so is this a f*cking cue or what? am i just too blind to get the hint and step into denial??

f*cking gut instinct but so f*cking true.

funnily, the main thing felt when i found out wasn't anger. not sure if disappointment was the right one either but surely it's there too. it's more like shocked because it's proven and so f*cking accurate.

just tell me, is there anything more that i just need to find out to verify that all this time my instinct was right and it's not just me imagining it and making it a fuss?? it's crap to alter my mind just to find out the first instrict turns out to be the correct one. trying to make a positive thinking just to find out that the negative one was right in the first place.

we both have our share of mistakes, admit that. i'm not here alone, so the efforts should come from both sides, don't you think? and i'm trying. just not that hard cos i'm still waiting for you to do your share too.

action speaks louder than anything and you've shown me that.

teach me how to be numb so i can get rid or even prevent that too attached thing that eln said to me. she's the smart one usually, but girls are just girls with emotions and feelings that are uncotrollable and technically override everything else.

so much for a feeling. it just makes us more vulnerable and fragile. like some said sarcastically: eat that, sucker! can't believe i had to admit that some of my friends were right.

and now thanks to him i can't get rid of that thing out of my mind. it instantly ruins everything. somehow i felt there's proud in doing it as a revenge. hope he's satisfied. i tried to see it from his side but still i can't accept that excuse cos that bad intention was really there.