poet turns possessive ex-bf

hey, you! yes, you the one who's always got the perfect words of wisdom there!

what happen to all of your perfect theories about the big L word?
the one that says you shouldn't give what they can't accept and the other one that says you shouldn't ask what they can't give?

oh, that's just it, isn't it? theories.
how ironic.

can you just let go of the poor miss and move on with your life? haven't you see or hear enough? or feel enough? i don't think she's that worthy to turn you into a psychopath either. and unfortunately, you're the one people will feel sorry for. i know i am. poor you.

oh, on a lighter note, i love twilight the movie! ^_^

a picture to describe a thousand word

my favourite photo from our bali trip earlier this month. kinda cute, eh? hehe.. it succesfully caught the situation at that moment perfectly.

unconditional love?

this is quoted from a friend

love is giving, not taking --> so if you heard about take & give, it's something like this:
you give, what the other can take
and you take, what the other can give
you don't give, what the other doesn't want to take
and you don't ask for, what the other doesn't have

if it doesn't work, then give it away

hueh.. itu kata2 buntutnya pait bener ya..

what's wrong with us? what's really going on??
small things became big and bigger things became huge.

my panic alarm seems to be lagging yesterday, or perhaps you can say i was still in denial phase. well, maybe being denial isn't so bad at all. at least it caused lesser pain than crying out until you think you can't breath and you feel a slight pain in your chest from the suffocation.

i thought i could be open and be myself with you. i though you could be someone i could share everything with and support me, no matter if i'm right or wrong. i know i'm not always right, you said it yourself i'm not that stupid that i can't not knowing what i'm doing. sometimes i do know what i do is wrong and i would regret that later on. but i really never thought that someday you would use it and get it back at me by pointing it out as my ugly things.

gak nyangka. sama sekali gak kepikiran kalo semua hal yang dishare, mulai dari curhat, uneg-uneg, marah, sampe yang putus asa, bisa dijadiin bumerang ke diri sendiri untuk menunjukkan kesalahan-kesalahan yg memang sudah ada dan disama-ratakan pula.

i'm sorry if i offended you in anyway, baik yg disengaja ataupun yg cuma asal ngomong tanpa ada maksud lebih dalam tapi ternyata terdengar keterlaluan.

but don't judge me. please don't. you're not in my position so you won't know the real things.
i know i have my bad, but i have my good side too.
jangan sama-ratakan antara 1 hal dengan hal yg lain, ataupun antara 1 orang dengan orang yg lain cuma berdasarkan dari yg loe lihat dan loe dengar. mungkin loe memang banyak melihat dan mendengar tapi itu gak berarti loe melihat dan mendengar semuanya. apalagi kalo loe bisa tau itu adalah karena memang mostly semua itu di-share ke loe tanpa ditutup-tutupi.

snapping, bickering, shouting.

bah.

playboy mansion? make it my dream house!!

ugh.. bagus banget sampe kebawa mimpi. sayangnya it costs a darn big fortune! doain aja yah biar bisa kesampean huhuhu

love is cinta

apa sih sebenernya cinta? apa sih arti dari kata2 yg sepertinya dibesar2kan oleh banyak orang, tapi sebenernya sebagian dari mreka juga gak ngerti dan masih mencari2 artinya?

kalo kata carrie bradshaw, serasa ada kupu2 dalam perut
kalo kata orang2 gombal, cinta bikin semua jadi indah
kalo kata orang2 bodoh, rela mati demi cinta
kalo kata alkitab, well secara ringkas, gak egois, sabar, murah hati dan semua hal positif
de el el, banyak lagi arti menurut penyair2 yg kalo ngedengernya waktu mood lagi gak pas bisa bikin sewot

yah, tapi intinya menurut kebanyakan orang cinta itu sesuatu yg bagus.

jadi kalo bisa melakukan apa saja demi seseorang, tapi kalo ditampar juga rasanya ingin membalas dengan menampar atau malah menendang itu namanya apa?

bisa berkorban dan merelakan segalanya, tapi juga bisa balas menyakiti jika disakiti dan bukannya malah menerima dan memaafkan itu disebut apa?

apa itu bisa masuk kategori cinta juga?

mungkin cinta yg egois, tapi seharusnya gak begitu.

atau itu cuma kenyataan pahit bahwa pada akhirnya manusia memang hanya makhluk hidup yg pada akhirnya secara alami akan mementingkan dan melindungi dirinya sendiri dulu?

atau yg seperti itu adalah hal aneh yg normal yg memang sering terjadi?
after all, love is something weird.

sometimes felt like magic, sometimes felt like BS. and too much love will kill you, somesay.

scary deja vu

belakangan ini ada hal yang bikin gue takut. entah kenapa semakin dilihat rasanya makin terlihat adanya kemiripan seseorang yang gak g suka dalam dirinya. menakutkan.

missed buses

must i push to the limit if u can't just take hints? yg kayaknya uda bukan dengan bisikan lagi tapi dengan teriakan. i'm sure u're not deaf nor blind. u're just ignoring it. berlagak bego. berlagak gila.

i think about it quite often lately. yang ujung-ujungnya berakhir dengan desahan napas yang menyesakkan dan air mata yang maksa mau keluar. the more i think of it, the more sad i become. it seems hopeless.

i don't know what i want anymore. di satu sisi, somehow i feel i must move on if it's still clueless. life goes on while u're busy wasting time. tapi di sisi yg lain i'm too scared to make any decision. takut untuk keluar dari comfort zone denial ini, bahwa semua pasti akan jadi lebih jelas. sejak tahun lalu. dan msh ada yang memberatkan hati dan juga sesuatu yg akan meninggalkan kesan buruk. and the worst part, either way is my lost. nasib sebagai pihak yang lebih lemah memang merugikan.

wish i have the strength and courrage to make a choice. by now u should know already how hard it was to get to this point, which is not far from where we started it. and next stop seems nowhere to be seen. entah kapan nyampenya. kadang rasanya hopeless.

how can u move on if u can't let go?

ignorance is bliss. wish i have it

is it wrong to have different expectations now and then?

people change, and perhaps so do their expectations toward things or other people. things that used to matter a lot could be something unimportant now or the other way around. i've seen that happens. and there are lots of disappointments from where it came from. and you can't really put the blame on anyone.

you can't make someone change into the way you want them to be. so it's not really A's fault if he/she stays the same but B change his/her mind about something A does/doesn't. things that were ok in the beginning might now feel annoying. what's left are only disappointments and regrets in B's heart and mind. and to be honest, i'm very scared about it too. i don't know whether my expectations would stay the same or change while there's possibility that things might stay the way they are.

please don't let me do/say things that would add the list of things i regret..

sometimes i wonder if i've made the right decision about this all this time. just crossing my fingers and wishing very hard that there would be no regrets. now or later.

well, you know how suck i am at making the right choices.

blah.

shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice

i was wondering if you're trying to make me look like a fool in front of that person or not.

maybe you didn't realize that what you did was bad for me. but too bad for you, i'm not someone that naive nor stupid that i could straight away tell that something was not right. and shame on you, i was right.

you could try, or as a matter of fact, you did tried to act stupid in front of me, but you know it won't work so why did you even bother and try? come one, babe. you know it won't be easy to fool me. i'm super sensitive, remember? that i could tell if something's wrong, even if that came from someone totally unimportant to me.

dan gue masih juga bingung kenapa loe masih juga gak bisa belajar untuk lebih terbuka dan jujur. apapun alasan loe, itu bullshit semua buat gue. i appreciate honesty more than caughting you doing ugly stuff myself.

now i do really think that this whole idea going for the trip is a bad thing. it gets worse in the past few days, not sure why. my short temper, her whiny noisy attitude. they don't get along really well anymore. and they won't. should i just call it off?

daripada gak ada yg enjoy dan malah bikin dosa padahal tujuan kesana adalah sesuatu yg seharusnya sacred. haruskah gue tega2in dan biarkan dia pergi sendirian bodoh2?

bah.

words of wisdom

went to the weekly women gathering mom's usually have every wednesday with her religion thing yesterday.

a piece of advise to think about: don't depend your happiness on someone else's hand. you can't expect other people to make you happy. it's you to make yourself happy, not other people. don't make your reason for living is to make someone happy and expect in return that they would make you happy too. you might get lucky but there's a bigger chance that you might get disappointed too.

easier said than done. well, the advise came from a man so it won't be that easy to be applied. i guess they make him as the guest speaker to see guys' point of view.

dapet mimpi jelek lagi pas di s'pore. sigh. entah itu another sign atau emang cuma alam bawah sadar gue yg masih gak bisa lupain. bener2 tamu gak diundang yg seenaknya dateng dengan skenario yg jelek.

going off for a week. hope everything's well and wish me luck for the GSS!! =D

the five people you meet in heaven

sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. you're just passing it on to someone else.

ada kalanya ingin berteriak memaki dengan kata2 yang sangat tajam dan menusuk untuk membalas agar orang tersebut bisa merasakan juga sakitnya. tapi gimanapun kata2 dan perbuatan pasti beda hasilnya.

sampai sekarang topik itu masih sukses membangkitkan rasa marah dan benci yg amat sangat sampai rasanya ingin menyumpah serapah. sayangnya belum tentu ada guna. yg ada bikin karma sendiri karena ngeluarin kata2 buruk.

a little joke

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does NOT BOAST, it is NOT PROUD. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
1 Corinthians 13:4 (i think)

and by joke i mean sindiran halus. hehehe.

i wish there's a mask that could always cover all my flaws. i wish i could be that mask.

sayangnya self control saya sangat payah sehingga topeng pun hanya bisa tahan dipakai sebentar sebelum akhirnya dibuang dan wajah asli pun terlihat.

yah sedikit banyak capek juga rasanya kalo harus bertopeng terus walaupun sebenarnya kadang diperlukan. ada juga yang akhirnya karena terlalu sering memakai topeng untuk menutupi wajah asli akhirnya topeng itu pun menjadi satu dengan dirinya. dan akhirnya jadi bingung sendiri dengan wajah yang sebenarnya seperti apa.

gak jelas yg satu ini tergolong jenis apaan. antik. kalo dibilang ayam pasti tersinggung padahal rasanya ada ciri2nya sedikit banyak.

yah, there goes my mood for bangkok. fun spoiler.

kenapa sih ga bisa mikir lurus aja? ga perlu sampe jauh2 ke ujung kulon tapi melenceng ga jelas. yg harusnya dipikirkan dan terpikirkan malah ga dianggap sama sekali. heran.

dipikir-pikir lucu juga. after 26 years of silence now only they start to fuss about it. they did wait according to the wise old man's word, eh?

after all these years they're afraid of me wanting it now suddenly they think it's time for me to think about it. and so the questions were asked.

hmph.

that question came again from the usually silent one, but in different sentence. i do think that this won't happen if i'm just with myself, got what i mean? would that be a better way? considering and looking at the current situation you guys might just say that the uncertainty is not much different from that. can't differentiate a go or no go situation. clueless. i don't even know how am i suppose to answer them. cos i don't know it myself.

there goes my bad melancholy side, the negative thinker. although you could say that sometimes i have a very darn good sense, that i can just see what's gonna happen even before things started, so it's not totally just negative thoughts.

all in all, insecurity is not a feeling you could ignore and just pretend everything is ok when it's not. it's called denial.

ketika kita berdoa dan meminta sesuatu tetapi tidak dikabulkan, mungkin jawaban dari permintaan tersebut adalah tidak. dan ketika kita menolak untuk membaca bahwa semua signs dari jawaban tersebut adalah tidak, maka kita tidak akan bisa menerimanya dan yg timbul adalah fase denial.

ironis.

obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

interesting.

rumput tetangga pasti keliatan lebih ijo

aneh rasanya bisa iri melihat kedekatan dan keakraban sepasang orang yang bahkan bukan pasangan. melihat bagaimana mereka sangat rukun bercanda dan bahkan bisa manja2an. ga ada berantem2 atau apapun yg rumit. bahkan kadang terlihat lebih "coupley" daripada yg couple beneran.

hmm..

gak kerasa it's already the second half of the time left for the deadline thing. mungkin ternyata gak terlalu efektif karena dari obrolan tadi sepertinya ada missing pieces here and there. yang seharusnya ditetapkan seperti apa pada awalnya akhirnya malah terlupakan dan jadi ga jelas.

i don't know what's best for both parties anymore. i just know this isn't suppose to be like this. too many things in both plus and minus to be taken in consideration. to be honest, i felt the same hopeless, but taking the easy way out is not my preferred choice. and definitely i won't let you take that shortcut either. it's no win-win. i still think that this could happen. it's just that you're the one who should take the lead and make a big step now. it's your turn. i've done what i can under that condition. with such low secure feeling.

can't you understand that i need that more than anything else? can't you see that i'm crying out loud begging for you to give what i need for the sake of all? i need something for me to hold on too. something more real. is that too much too ask? i know it's big but it's not like asking for you to die for me.

maybe i'm in denial. that i actually know already that it might turn out like this. but as the girls was saying about our own problems, it's not that easy to stick to what you've planned as the consequences. we're all afraid of taking the risks. or chances, for those optimist people. and so, pretending it's not the way it is, is easier.

is it a crime or a bad thing if i want him to want the same thing i want? or is it as a new friend said that men don't care about small stuffs? so they are just simply ignorant about those things. if yes, then poor those women who expect their men to be more caring and sensitive. as for my case, seems the more i want it the harder i get it. that young fortune teller did once told me about this. instead of chasing it hardly i should just let things loose a bit and it shall come to me. easier said than done. moreover, time plays a role too here.

silly pet

facebook bener2 sesuatu yg membuang banyak waktu tapi bener2 bikin addicted sampe kerjaan bisa lupa dikerjain gara2 ini. bahaya banget.

so not in the mood for anything. monthly cramps to top it off.

i'm still scared about that thing that it haunted me in my dreams. it's the second time this week. i need to find that secure feeling back. i don't know how but definitely i can't do it by myself.

an unspoken note to you

when i said i can't forget what you did and don't know how to fully trust you again, i really meant it. and i expected you that time to be humble, to lower your ego and calm me down. but instead, you act ignorant and arrogantly said, "jadi gimana donk?". dengan tampang dan nada menantang.

you really don't know how to have a relationship, do you? you really don't know where your position is. after what you did, itu benar2 tidak pada tempatnya. tidak sadar dimana seharusnya menempatkan posisi diri sendiri. dan itu sangat mengecewakan. atau semua itu dilakukan dengan sengaja dengan maksud memancing reaksi selanjutnya dari pihak sini? supaya dapat escape dengan mudahnya? karena situ sebagai pihak bersalah tidak punya nyali untuk melakukannya?

do you really think that no matter what you do i would always stick around? cos you know the reason for me being attached and you make use of that? so you can do whatever you like and think that it's my choice to accept it? if yes, ashamed to admit it myself, you're no gentleman at all. you're just a boy with a giant ego. i hope you do realize that pathetic truth about yourself.

all about dreams

been curious, so i google it and found http://www.dreammoods.com/ and here are the results:

Rainbow
To see a rainbow in your dream, signifies much hope, success and good fortune in the form of money, prestige, or fame. The rainbow is a bridge between your earthly, grounded self and the higher, spiritual self.
--> crossing my fingers

Park
To dream that you are at a park, represents a temporary escape from reality. It indicates renewal, meditation, and spirituality. It is also an indication of a readjustment period after a serious personal conflict or an ending of a passionate affair.

Water
To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment.
If you are splashed by water, then it represents your need to be revitalized and more expressive.

Walls
To see a wall in your dream, signifies limitations. obstacles and boundaries. There is a barrier obstructing your progress. You may have been accustomed to your old habits and way of thinking.
If you see a wall crumble, then it suggests that you have easily risen above your problems and overcame your barriers.
--> does cracks and crumble means the same?

Woman
To see a woman in your dream, represents nurturance, passivity, caring nature, and love. It refers to your own female aspects or may also represent your mother. Alternatively, it may indicate temptation and guilt. If you know the woman, then it may symbolize the concerns and feelings you have about her.
To see an old woman in your dream, indicates aging and growing old.
--> OMG!! as if i'm not aware of that ='(

so?

hm.. bener2 lagi gak ada kerjaan ya gue sampe sempet2nya nyari arti mimpi di google hehe..

rainbow premonitions?

few days ago before i woke up i had this weird dream. i dreamt of seeing 2 very big bright rainbows that showed up one after another in just few minutes and both were so close to me. i could almost see the both end of the rainbows, but i couldn't remember what was there. i used to read a comic book saying that when you saw a rainbow, there would be something precious at the end of it. remember that, ndun?

that dream continues. oh, it was in a park but it's not somewhere familiar to me. as i walk pass the park as the second rainbow fades, i was heading to a building where i saw a stairway next to the building that goes down to a housing area and there's an old lady that looked confused. i figured she's afraid of walking down the stairs by herself, and so i offered to walk her and take her hand. by the time we were ready to take the steps, suddenly the walls around it starts cracking and water came out of it and people came running from and to everywhere to stay away from it. when i was looking around to find a safe place, the old lady found her husband and so i let her be with her husband while i was still trying to get a grip on the situation. next thing i remember, it got worse and i started running too. i was trying to go back to where the old lady and her husband was but i was lost. and when i tried to get around looking for them, i suddenly woke up.

well, it's merely a dream. bunga tidur. gak jelas ada artinya atau cuma kebanyakan tidur yg ada jadi cape bangunnya. hm.. wish that rainbow thing means happiness.

talk about signs or premonitions, the anklet was broken. waktu bangun tau2 uda putus. first thought langsung telpon ngecek apa baik2 aja. ternyata salah besar. dia baik2 banget. that was a sign yg ditujukan buat g sendiri. a warning that something's not right. hell yes, since i was a child, from time to time i could get warning about certain things through my dreams. seperti ada yg jagain dan ngasih tau kalau ada sesuatu akan terjadi. atau lebih tepatnya sudah atau baru saja terjadi untuk gelang kaki satu ini. so instant, biarpun terlambat untuk gue menangkap arti pertanda itu cos i only found out about it few weeks later. yah intinya sooner or later eventually bakal jelas harusnya.

hope that weird dream about rainbow bisa membalikkan keadaan. mimpi yg bener2 aneh. something wonderful but followed by disaster. kalo ternyata bisa berarti jelek lebih baik ga usah punya arti apa2 dan biarkan itu memang hanya bunga tidur.

until now i still can't figure out if this is going there... i know it's going somewhere, but i just don't know if it's going there where i hope it is.

i miss the clear blue night sky with the very bright moonlight and stars everyway you look up. it was in bandung last friday, so beautiful in a breezy night that i felt like laying down on that parking lot just to enjoy the view longer. it was almost 2am. we just finished a movie marathon with jaf n his cousin, lusi.

strangely it gives that "plong" feeling when you look at it. felt like nothing else matter, just wanna enjoy that moment. felt like magic, amazed by how beautiful it was. atau lebih tepatnya kampungan karena di kota ga bisa liat clear night sky kayak gitu. huh.

anyway, that euphoric feeling doesn't last long. that was the night before i found out about the thing. so much for the starry night. what's left now is a feeling like there's a tonne of rock that hits me.

sometimes there are things that just can't be compromised due to the very opposite point of view, so the only way out is for one of them to take a break and let the other get it. i'm sure the favour would be returned.

seperti jalan di jalanan sempit yg cuma ada 1 jalur tapi memang ditujukan untuk bisa 2 arah. kalo ada 2 mobil datang dari 2 arah sama2 maju terus dan akhirnya ketemu di tengah hadap2an apa akhirnya ada yg bisa lewat? pasti salah satu harus ngalah dan mundur supaya akhirnya dua2nya bisa lewat dan sampe di tujuan masing2, kan? and that's what they called taking turns. bukannya malah ngotot ribut di tempat karena uda pasti sia2. yg kayak gini ini yg justru butuh action, bukan adu kerasnya.

so is this a f*cking cue or what? am i just too blind to get the hint and step into denial??

f*cking gut instinct but so f*cking true.

funnily, the main thing felt when i found out wasn't anger. not sure if disappointment was the right one either but surely it's there too. it's more like shocked because it's proven and so f*cking accurate.

just tell me, is there anything more that i just need to find out to verify that all this time my instinct was right and it's not just me imagining it and making it a fuss?? it's crap to alter my mind just to find out the first instrict turns out to be the correct one. trying to make a positive thinking just to find out that the negative one was right in the first place.

we both have our share of mistakes, admit that. i'm not here alone, so the efforts should come from both sides, don't you think? and i'm trying. just not that hard cos i'm still waiting for you to do your share too.

action speaks louder than anything and you've shown me that.

teach me how to be numb so i can get rid or even prevent that too attached thing that eln said to me. she's the smart one usually, but girls are just girls with emotions and feelings that are uncotrollable and technically override everything else.

so much for a feeling. it just makes us more vulnerable and fragile. like some said sarcastically: eat that, sucker! can't believe i had to admit that some of my friends were right.

and now thanks to him i can't get rid of that thing out of my mind. it instantly ruins everything. somehow i felt there's proud in doing it as a revenge. hope he's satisfied. i tried to see it from his side but still i can't accept that excuse cos that bad intention was really there.

golden euro

i really don't have the heart to go this time. feels like the faith in it starts to wore off slowly. crazy, huh? it's like the only thing for now but.. twisted me.

and with the current crazy going high rate!! have you seen the euro now?! what the %@^#?!!?!

darn it. must plan for that alternative travel asap.

stupid cable connection, stupid fb!!! i wanna join that egg hunting!!! darn it.

wish that the currencies aren't flying that high so i could take more time to go to more places while i'm there.. sigh.

sadness, anger, disappointment, hatred, and many more.
those are good reasons for blinding someone and kill the consciousness.

masalah kecil dihilangkan, masalah besar dikecilkan. and so it's said, easier said than done.

another sigh.

there's one thing i'm tempted to do recently. maybe because it's necessary to do. thing is, it's against my consciousness. against my point of view all this time.

*shrug* oh well, kita lihat aja gimana nanti apa ada hal yg bisa mengalahkan hati nurani dan prinsip yg udah dipegang mati2an sejak awal.

Dear God

dear God,
please kindly show us the way.
if it's for what meant to be, then let the path be smooth.
but if it's not, please guide us to ours.

ever watched the movie before? i just did about 2 weeks ago on the tv cable, can't remember whether it's on hbo or starmovies cos i was just killing time switching channels. i don't even know about that movie before, although i've seen some of the actors before. it's about a group of people working in a post office who received hundreds of letters addressed to God from many people with their own frustrations and problems, and finally they figured out that they actually could do something to fulfil those people's wishes.

what could you do for two opposites, such as the sun to the moon or the bright day to the dark night, to be able to in sync at the same time? very contrast and on different interests. they are saying that north poles on the magnets are to be attracting each other with other magnet's south poles, which have to be opposites. but for this it might not work that way. at least tried and proven in certain points.

stupid cycle of life

that dreadful question of when came from the least expected person. well, got a lot of that from where i am but this one is least predicted.

must move on to next, then. at least must start to think about it more seriously.

like.it.or.not.

with current or next, wish there's a sign. it's still as black as the night. no clue, no nothing. i hate that.

sentimental note

ever looked through a glass window and try to look what's on the other side when the rain falls and the raindrops are scattered all over it? especially when you're driving, it's difficult to see what's in front of you. everything becomes blur cos your visions are blur.

hm..

shit does happen. a lot of times. stupid people with sotoy mind. sigh.

so wanna run right now. to anywhere. but running out of place to run and time too. need to wake up from this. have to. but can't help it.

jodoh, nasib dan takdir

cantik itu relatif tapi jelek itu mutlak. hmm.. tapi sekarang uda banyak bedah plastik sih jadi bisa diakalin biarpun tetep bakal disebut plastic.

begitu juga dengan nasib bisa dirubah tapi takdir emang sudah pasti begitu jalannya.

paling takut kejadian yg namanya salah kawin. ini seumur hidup punya urusan jadi impactnya sudah pasti seumur hidup juga. rusuh, runyam dan ruwet.

cuma bisa berharap semoga orang2 yg berjodoh dengan kita, mau itu orang tua, temen, saudara, pacar, suami atau istri, semuanya adalah jodoh yg baik dan terbaik untuk kita.

everything happens for a reason. but sometimes shit just happen. it does happen sometimes. and with reasons we could never know or understand.

less expectations, less disappointment.
the more you after it, the harder it is to get.
the more you chase it, the farther it gets away from you.

leave it to fate. and faith. let it be and let it come to you.
good things might just even better when it comes least expected.
or so they said. pasrah.

should i just let it go?
having to make choices is confusing, eh?
the unability to know what's at the end of the road for either path is frustrating.
if only there's a real crystal ball. or a damn map woud be perfect.

copied directly from ndun's blog

was amazed when i read it so i post it here too.

Trah Soeharto adalah kisah tentang rumah berjuta poundsterling di Inggris, reli mobil di Australia, perburuan di Selandia Baru, perjudian di Christmas Island, dan segunung tas belanja yang taksempat dibuka.

BEL itu berdentang nyaring. Sekian menit ditunggu, tak ada yang membukakan pintu rumah mewah di Winnington Road No. 8, Hampstead, London, itu. Padahal dua mobil mengkilat - VW Caravelle biru langit dan Honda Legend merah - terparkir di halaman depannya yang tak berpagar.

Rumah bergaya Victorian itu jelas masih berpenghuni. Pekarangannya, yang berbatu paving, tertata rapi. Bunga berwarna kuning, biru, dan putih menghiasi tamannya yang asri lagi luas. Dindingnya, yang tak bersemen, didominasi warna merah bata, padu dengan warna putih dari kusen pintu dan daun jendela.

Beberapa ratus meter dari situ - masih di jalan yang sama - berdiri sebuah bangunan yang jauh lebih mewah, mirip puri bangsawan Inggris tempo dulu. Nomor rumah berbalkon putih itu: 89. Luasnya dua kali lebih besar dari yang pertama. Menurut seorang sumber TEMPO, rumah itu adalah gedung yang dibangun baru. Setelah dibeli, bangunan semula dirobohkan. Di teras, terpampang tulisan "Hillcrest" dari logam keemasan. Tapi, di pojok kanan halaman depan kedua rumah itu, terlihat sebuah papan mencolok bertuliskan: "For Sale": dijual. Di bawahnya tertera nama sebuah agen properti: John D. Wood & Co.

Kedua rumah itu memang kerap menjadi gunjingan orang. Ini bukan cuma karena kemewahannya -Hampstead, yang terletak di daerah berbukit, adalah kawasan hunian paling prestisius di London - tapi juga karena pemiliknya bukan "orang sembarangan". Mereka adalah Sigit Harjojudantodan istrinya, Elsje Ratnawati Harjojudanto, putra dan menantu mantan presiden Soeharto - yang lagi diperiksa karena kasus korupsi dan penyalahgunaan kekuasaan. Adalah Andrew Buncombe, wartawan harian terkemuka di Inggris, The Independent, yang pertama kali mengangkatnyake permukaan. Tulisannya di edisi 16 Maret lalu, bertajuk Suhartos Sell Boltholes in UK for £ 11m ("Keluarga Soeharto Menjual Rumah Pelarian di Inggris Seharga 11 Juta Poundsterling"), menjadi bukti kesekian - dari setumpuk bukti yang sudah ada?betapa trah Soeharto menjalani kehidupan bak syekh padang pasir.

Dalam laporan itu, Andrew Buncombe menggambarkan betapa "wah"-nya (dengan W besar) rumah keluarga Sigit itu: berlantai marmer, memiliki delapan kamar, lengkap dengan aula untuk jamuan makan. Menurut pemburu harta Soeharto, George Junus Aditjondro, sejak Januari lalu puri itutelah ditawarkan lewat agen John Wood & Co. Harganya selangit: £ 8 juta, atau jika dihitung dengan kurs Rp 15 ribu, ya ampun, mencapai Rp 120 miliar! Koresponden BBC di Jakarta, Jonathan Head, menjelaskan kepada Prabandari dari TEMPO bahwa rumah itu memang luar biasa mewah.

Dia membandingkannya dengan harga rata-rata rumah kelas menengah di Inggris, yang hanya £ 200 ribu atau cuma seperempat puluhnya! Rumah satu lagi, atas nama Sigit sendiri, juga telah ditawarkan seharga £ 1,95 juta. Bangunan berlantai tiga dengan lima kamar tidur tersebutbiasanya digunakan oleh para pembantu keluarga itu.

Ada satu rumah lagi yang dibidik The Independent.. Di seberang Sungai Thames di 38-A Putney Hill, berdiri Norfolk House, kepunyaan saudara tiri Soeharto, Probosutedjo. Rumah itu berlantai tiga, plus sembilan kamar, garasi ganda, empat ruang resepsi, sebuah ruang biliar, dan pekarangan rumput yang luas. Menurut penelusuran George, bangunan itu semula dibeli Probo seharga £ 93 ribu. Tapi, sejak Januari lalu, lewat agen real estate Foxtons, Probo memasang tarif £ 1,4 juta untuk melegonya.

Ditemui TEMPO di kantornya di kawasan Chanary Wharf, London, Andrew yang pernah meliput Tim-Tim ini menyatakan sudah cukup lama mendengar kabar soal istana Cendana di negaranya itu. Cuma, konfirmasi amat sulit diperoleh. Baru pada musim panas lalu, sepekan sebelum beritaitu diturunkan, kepastian datang dari HM Land Registry, semacam badan pencatatan kepemilikan properti. Ia menunjukkan keterangan "Swansea District Land Registry" bernomor NGL714482 tertanggal 26 Juli 1994, yang jelas-jelas menerakan nama Elsje Harjojudanto sebagai pemiliknya.

Temuan ini baru sebagian kecil. Menurut George, yang mengaku memasok informasi ke The Independent, ada beberapa properti Cendana lainnya di London. Cuma, karena properti itu belum dijual, ujung pangkalnya belum bisa dipastikan betul. Putri sulung Soeharto, Siti Hardiyanti Rukmanaalias Tutut, kabarnya juga memiliki beberapa apartemen di 16 Hyde Park Square, Mayfair. Ia membelinya seharga £ 350 ribu. Dan untuk merenovasinya - dilaksanakan setelah krisis moneter - ia merogoh kocek sebesar £ 110 ribu. Di kawasan yang sama, tepatnya di 38 Upper Grosvenor Road, juga terdapat sejumlah apartemen luks milik Siti Hediyati "Titiek" Prabowo.

Seorang sumber TEMPO di London mengungkapkan, apartemen itu pernah ditawarkan untuk disewa dengan tarif £ 8.000 atau sekitar Rp 120 juta per bulan. Sementara itu, adiknya, Hutomo Mandala Putra alias Tommy Soeharto, memiliki sebuah rumah besar lengkap dengan padang golf 18lubang di dekat Pacuan Kuda Ascot, London Utara, dan sebuah rumah peristirahatan di Brighton, kota pantai di selatan London.

Di luar London, dari hasil perburuan George, dinasti itu juga diketahui memiliki berbagai rumah supermewah dan kondominium, yang bertebaran dari Jenewa, Hawaii, Beverly Hills-Los Angeles, Boston, sampai ke Cayman Islands di kawasan Laut Karibia (lihat infografik).

Tommy juga disebut-sebut memiliki sebuah kawasan berburu seluas 2.500 hektare di Selandia Baru. Area itu disebut-sebut teramat istimewa dan eksklusif. Satu-satunya cara untuk mencapai rumah peristirahatan di tengah hutan pinus yang mengelilinginya itu adalah dengan helikopter.

Itu baru soal properti. Keluarga terkaya ke-74 di seantero jagat menurut ranking majalah Forbes - dengan total kekayaan US$ 4 miliar - itu juga terkenal gila-gilaan dalam urusan menghamburkan duit.Sampai-sampai ada yang mengibaratkan segampang menggelontorkan air.

Seorang calon pembeli yang pernah mengunjungi rumah keluarga Sigit di London itu sempat terbengong-bengong. Ia cuma mendapati dua kamar kosong. Sisanya? Ternyata dipenuhi tumpukan tas belanja dari Selfridges yang bahkan, katanya, belum sempat dibuka. Sumber TEMPO diLondon yang dekat dengan keluarga itu terbahak, "Jangankan di London, di Jakarta saja mereka sering tidak sempat membuka barang yang telah dibeli." Luar biasa. Padahal Selfridges dan Harrods adalah pusat belanja kalangan jet set di London, yang terletak di Oxford Street yang kesohor itu.

Keluarga ini juga gemar pamer mobil mentereng. Eno Sigit, salah seorang cucu Soeharto dari Sigit, semasa kuliah fashion di American College, London, selalu pulang pergi diantar Rolls Royce mengkilat. Tentu saja pengemudinya adalah seorang chauffeur - sopir pilihan dengan setelan jas dan topi hitam-hitam. The Independent juga melaporkan Eno pernah menggelar pesta di Hotel Hilton yang menghabiskan tak kurang dari £ 150 ribu atau sekitar Rp 2,25 miliar. Ia juga dikabarkan pernah mengganti telepon genggamnya dalam waktu sehari cuma karena ia tak suka dengan warnanya. Semasa itulah di kalangan mahasiswa Indonesia di sana sangat populer sebuah komentar nyinyir ke arah trah Cendana: "Ingin menikmati gaya hidup supermewah? Gampang. Jadilah anak dan cucu presiden."

Dua orang sumber TEMPO yang pernah kuliah di Boston, Amerika Serikat, mengungkapkan lagak cucu Soeharto yang lain. Kali ini menyangkut putra-putri kesayangan Tutut, Dandy dan Danty Rukmana. Sewaktu mereka kuliah di sana, mulai tahun 1991, gaya hidup dua remaja baru gede iniluar biasa jumawa, bahkan untuk ukuran orang Amerika. Kedua sumber itu sering melihat Dandy dan Danty berseliweran di jalan dengan mobil mewahnya. Jenis kendaraan yang mereka koleksi pun bukan sembarang merek, tapi mobil dengan harga selangit, sebangsa Ferrari, Rolls Royce, danPorsche. Menurut sumber itu, Dandy bahkan pernah membeli sebuah Lamborghini-Diablo seharga Rp 1 miliar. Buat warga kota kecil seperti Boston, gaya hidup mereka amat mencolok. Sampai-sampai, jika sebuah mobil Lamborghini melintas, orang langsung bisik-bisik, "Itu cucu salah seorang presiden di Asia." Sumber itu juga pernah mendengar cerita dari seorang agen mobil terkenal di kota itu tentang kebiasaan mereka yang kerap gonta-ganti mobil. "Paling lama, mereka ganti mobilsebulan sekali," katanya. Edan.

Yang lebih dahsyat, menurut George, dua remaja ini juga memiliki tiga rumah mewah di kawasan itu, dengan nilai total US$ 2,5 juta atau, ya ampun, mencapai Rp 37,5 miliar. Sumber TEMPO mendengar penuturan salah seorang temannya yang pernah diundang menghadiri pesta di sana. Rumah itu dilengkapi dengan taman yang luas, kolam renang super mewah, dan lapangan tenis.

Balap dan judi adalah kisah berikutnya di seputar gelimang harta dinasti Soeharto. Seorang teman reli Tommy Soeharto menuturkan bagaimana habis-habisannya mantan bos mobil nasional Timor itumelakoni hobi mahalnya. Sewaktu survei reli dunia di Medan pada 1997 lalu, kata temannya itu lagi, cuma dalam waktu sepekan, Tommy sampai "menghabiskan" tiga unit Mitsubishi Evolution IV.Bukan apa-apa, tiga mobil yang harga setiap unitnya Rp 250 juta itu ringsek mencium tebing. Dan dalam setahun setidaknya Tommy harus menghabiskan 10 unit mobil survei. Teman reli Tommy yang lain menuturkan keterbengongan seorang wartawan Australia yang mewawancarainya. Waktu itu, kepadanya ditanyakan pihak mana yang mensponsori tim relinya. Si wartawan melongo ketika diberi tahu bahwa seluruh dana - yang bisa mencapai ratusan juta sampai miliaran rupiah sekali reli - ditanggung pihaknya sendiri, alias tanpa sponsor. Padahal pereli kelas dunia tak mungkin berlaga tanpa ada yang mensponsori.

Berbagai kasino kondang di seantero jagat pun luber dengan uang klan Soeharto. Di Christmas Island, Burswood Casino, Australia, atau Genting Highland, Malaysia, misalnya, nama beken anggota Keluarga Cendana sudah menjadi buah bibir. Seorang sumber TEMPO yang berkawan dekat dengan Ari Sigit, kakak Eno, menuturkan ulah cucu Soeharto yang satu itu. Ceritanya begini. Ketika itu, Ari ikut reli di Malaysia dengan bendera timnya, Sexy Motor Sport, yang mengandalkan kedigdayaan mobil Audi. Pamannya, Tommy, juga ikut balap dengan timnya, Goro Rally.Di suatu sore, setelah kandas di arena balap, Ari mengajak semua anggota rombongannya ke Genting Highland, pusat perjudian terkenal di sana. Tak jelas seberapa tebal ringgit yang ia habiskan di meja judi.

Yang jelas, silakan hitung sendiri, sampai ayam berkokok, putra sulung Sigit Harjojudanto itu masih asyik menjajal baccarat, black jack, dan rolet. Padahal semalaman itu tak sekali pun ia dikunjungi Dewi Keberuntungan, alias kalah melulu. Tapi ia rupanya tak begitu ambil pusing soal kalah menang. "Ia sekadar cari hiburan," kata sumber itu menjelaskan kenapa Ari tidak juga balik kanan kendati koceknya sudah bolong besar.

The Independent juga menggambarkan bagaimana entengnya Tommy menghamburkan uang di meja kasino. Salah seorang temannya yang pernah berjudi bareng di Ritz Casino, London, punya cerita menarik. Suatu malam, Tommy keok terus. Duitnya amblas sampai lebih dari £ 1 juta (Rp15 miliar). Tapi putra bungsu Soeharto ini kelihatan tak begitu ambil peduli. Dengan entengnya, seolah tak terjadi apa-apa, ia langsung mengajak teman-temannya makan malam di sebuah restoran mewah. Easy going.

Sang teman reli itu juga mengaku pernah diajak ikut berjudi ke London, dua tahun lalu. Mereka berangkat bersepuluh dengan jet pribadi "sang Pangeran". Waktu itu, di luar kebiasaan, Tommy, yang lebih sering kalah ketimbang menang, bernasib terang. Duit hasil judi itu pun langsung amblas. Hari itu juga ia menghabiskannya dengan membeli sedan reli mutakhir, Subaru Impreza. Waktu itu saja harganya sudah mencapai setengah miliar rupiah (sekarang berkisar antara Rp 800 ribu dan Rp1,2 miliar). Dua kasino favorit Tommy adalah di Christmas Island dan Genting Highland. Di lapangan golf, kegemarannya berjudi juga tak tertahankan. Berapa nilai taruhannya? "Enggak besar, paling-paling 50 jutaan," kata temannya itu, enteng.

Begitulah kisah bak raja diraja itu. Boleh saja kalau Anda lantas berdecak kagum, kaget bukan kepalang, bahkan kesal tak ketulungan.

Silakan bergegas kalau Anda tertarik memburunya.?

Karaniya Dharmasaputra, Dewi R. Cahyani, Ma'ruf Samudra, Wens Wanggut (Jakarta), koresponden London
Laporan Khusus Tempo - Edisi. 03/XXII/23 - 29 Maret 1999

hats off

Pak Harto died yesterday at 1.10pm after a decade of struggling with all his illness, they said.

seems all those who have grudges towards him might finally be able to let him go in peace. so sad actually. i've always liked him as a president, despite all the bad things he's done according to people, he's made this country stood in better condition for 32 years last time. at least it was well organized in the surface, unlike the current situation that seems hostile and riots might happen any time if something's not up to people's wants or needs. it seems that things go on in order last time. i like it much better that way, considering people here are.. well, you know what i mean.

as i wrote this, they are on the way to the airport to take him to his last resting place in Istana Giri Bangun, Solo.

i'm sure people would remember him for always. the man who ruled this country for 32 years in which things change after that. not sure towards the better or worse. yet.

intersections in life

two nights ago after that chat i suddenly remember about melbourne again. i loved that city. i still love it.

makes me wonder again about the other road i might've have, have i not taken this one. about various possibilities from the alternative options have i chosen to follow that other path. no clear answer for which is right and wrong.

surely the outcomes would be far different from this, but would it be a better one? maybe yes, maybe no or maybe things would just end up the same.

saw the temp last night and was quite shocked that i couldn't say a thing. felt a bit scared. maybe that's the real thing that would be shown if it finally really hit. i've predicted that there must be something behind the things just shown in the surface. too calm and maybe looks ignorant sometimes. bit similar to my old man. ann did told us about testing the water to see if there's any violence might involved. i'm definitely sure it's not for this one. but still, the temp itself shocked me.

i guess i screwed things up again. big time this time. don't know if there's any remedy for it or it's just it.

sigh.

loyalty for sale?

is being loyal to your partner in a relationship a plus point?

this is not a tricky question. more like a rhetorical question. to me.

for me personally, being loyal is not an option in a relationship. in fact, in any kind of relationship. be it love, family, friendship or business. it's something unnecessary to be questioned. but again, that's my opinion.

for people who are used to do something bad or in the past, surely doing good does count as a plus point. that, is maybe really an option for them.

so, pertanyaan untuk yg di sisi seberang sana: separah apakah kamu sampai-sampai menjadi setia adalah sebuah nilai tambah?

pastinya semua orang punya alasan mereka sendiri dan saya tertarik untuk mendengar berbagai macam versinya.

pursuit of happiness

i've been reading my past posts around last year. sadly, the conclusion is i'm still there. still here. no where.

i.am.still.lost.

envy those who knew exactly what they want and look for in life. envy them in their pursuit of getting themselves there, where they wanted to be. happy and content with the meaning of their life.

as for me? i don't even know what i want out of life. lost. am i looking at the wrong direction? hmph. who am i kidding, i don't even know where i'm going to. don't even know if i have any destination, before that final one if you get what i mean.

actually life is drawn in certain patterns, right? and those who are lucky enough could fill it and make it to the fullest and achieve everything great in life. those who are less lucky could only go through it with emptiness. ironic, isn't it?

well, don't mind me. maybe it's just me over fussing it. not the first time and i could assure you this is not the last. things will eventually get back to normal again for some time before i repeat this sighing again.

crap.

don't judge a book by its cover
what you see isn't always what you get
don't believe everything you hear/see
and many more.

there are many words of wisdom teaching us not to naively (is this word exist?) trust everything you hear or see, cos the real thing might not be like what it seems to be. sometimes things that are shown are to make believe, that the impressions given are what it is.

had a small talk with w earlier today. understandable that he thinks we have better one cos we look more "lovey dovey".

reality check, it's not.

hmm...

new year's resolutions, anyone?

tiap akhir taon menjelang taon baru kayaknya banyak yg mulai ngomongin new year's resolutions. ada yg taon baru mau dapet kerja baru, ada yg pengen dapet cowok, de el el.

beberapa taon lalu juga gue kayak gitu. bikin daftar hal-hal yg mesti diperbaiki supaya jadi a better person. a better me. hasilnya? ada yg cuma diinget selama sebulan pertama trus sisanya balik ke awal lagi.

lupa. males. ga guna. dan macem2 sebab atau alasan lainnya.

kesimpulannya? jalanin aja deh ya.

btw, yk's father passed away last friday and dikremasi kemarin. pas melayat ke rumah duka hari selasa malem ketemu yk dan sempet ngobrol2 sebentar. looks like their wedding plan jadi berubah yah..

well, everything happens for a reason. makanya jalanin aja, kan? bukannya santai dan no planning tapi plan sambil jalan dan sambil liat aja kali ya..