what makes ppl stay? what makes ppl leave?

kalo ngeliat orang2 yg keliatannya too good to be true tapi memang that kind of luck does exist rasanya iri dan jadi sedih.

orang bilang mata itu jendela hati dan rasanya memang benar karena semua bisa terlihat dari cara memandang, memperlakukan dan sebagainya yg semuanya menyampaikan atau mungkin sekedar menyiratkan apa yg dirasakan di hati. atau apa yg tidak dirasakan juga bisa tersampaikan.

jangan sampai alasan untuk stay adalah karena stuck. yg walaupun menyedihkan tapi adalah kenyataan yg sangat umum.

random quotes

"a smile can hide the tears, a laugh can hide the pain, but nothing stops the longing to have you back again"

love this quote

"light travel faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright till they open their mouth"

fragile, handle with extra care

kalo diliat2 mungkin kita tuh kayak boneka porselen yg dari tampilan luar kayaknya bagus ya? padahal sebenernya sangat rapuh. kalo kesenggol dikit dan jatoh paling dikit kalo gak hancur pasti somplak.

sedih rasanya kalo dipikir2 gak punya dasar yg kuat.
trust - bermasalah karena kurangnya komunikasi dan keterbukaan
communication - bermasalah karena kurangnya keterbukaan
honesty - bermasalah entah karena apa lagi
semuanya lingkaran setan yg saling berhubungan dan seharusnya saling menopang.

sampai sekarang dengan adanya tanggal tetep aja selalu ada hal2 tertentu yg tiba2 muncul sedikit demi sedikit yg menambah keraguan gue. dan mungkin ketakutan gue. dan bukan sesuatu yg mengada-ada. bukan jg cold feet, karena ini sudah ada sejak dulu dan gue pesimis akan selalu ada. not shockingly. mungkin selama ini gue yg selalu denial dan berusaha menipu diri sendiri karena dibutakan oleh rasa. rasa yg sebenernya juga gue gak tau apakah itu nyata juga dari sana atau cuma gue yg sibuk sendiri.

yg pasti, gue gak suka dan gak sudi kalo dibodoh-bodohin. gue gak mau jadi orang terakhir yg tau mengenai hal penting yg seharusnya gue lebih tau daripada orang lain.

for better or for worse. bah

after so long without any update here finally i come again to rant. about the same old f***ing boring things. sigh

i tot it would be a fun and exciting thing to see to but maybe i was wrong. sigh. i'm too upset to even write the whole thing.

nevermind then. sigh

hmm... it's been a while since i updated anything here. yeah, my pet world took over my real life world :p

well, nothing new anyway. life still sucks at times, especially those relates to home hell home. bah

something about the past

someone once told me that i'm being very brave when he heard about a piece of my story. he said that not many people would've had enough guts to take the path i chose that time, to make that moment's decision. but i never agree with him. i thought that was a very crazy of me to do such thing. in fact, i still think that it was a crazy thing i did. a very sloppy, careless decision made withough thinking it thoroughly enough again and again, maybe?

well, one thing about the guy who said that is a very fluet sweet-talker, so you'll agree more with me. and if you try reading it between the lines, i think that what he was trying to tell me is that i'm very stupid. of that, i have no words to defend myself. nor that i want to.

another weird dream

i had a weird dream 2 nights ago and just now i look up for the meaning on the website i found last time. it's damn too embarrassing to tell the meaning, but i'm laughing when i read it haha..

new year, new beginning, new hope?

have faith.

that's a piece of advise i got from a friend when i told him about my unpredictable future about it.

maybe i should make that my new year's resolution? blah.

oh, happy new year guys.

and on a lighter note, i just came back from his home town. a dear buddy of his were getting married and he's one of the best men. as said and proven, the weather's very hot there and nothing much to be expected except for lots of food.

hmm...

poet turns possessive ex-bf

hey, you! yes, you the one who's always got the perfect words of wisdom there!

what happen to all of your perfect theories about the big L word?
the one that says you shouldn't give what they can't accept and the other one that says you shouldn't ask what they can't give?

oh, that's just it, isn't it? theories.
how ironic.

can you just let go of the poor miss and move on with your life? haven't you see or hear enough? or feel enough? i don't think she's that worthy to turn you into a psychopath either. and unfortunately, you're the one people will feel sorry for. i know i am. poor you.

oh, on a lighter note, i love twilight the movie! ^_^

a picture to describe a thousand word

my favourite photo from our bali trip earlier this month. kinda cute, eh? hehe.. it succesfully caught the situation at that moment perfectly.

unconditional love?

this is quoted from a friend

love is giving, not taking --> so if you heard about take & give, it's something like this:
you give, what the other can take
and you take, what the other can give
you don't give, what the other doesn't want to take
and you don't ask for, what the other doesn't have

if it doesn't work, then give it away

hueh.. itu kata2 buntutnya pait bener ya..

what's wrong with us? what's really going on??
small things became big and bigger things became huge.

my panic alarm seems to be lagging yesterday, or perhaps you can say i was still in denial phase. well, maybe being denial isn't so bad at all. at least it caused lesser pain than crying out until you think you can't breath and you feel a slight pain in your chest from the suffocation.

i thought i could be open and be myself with you. i though you could be someone i could share everything with and support me, no matter if i'm right or wrong. i know i'm not always right, you said it yourself i'm not that stupid that i can't not knowing what i'm doing. sometimes i do know what i do is wrong and i would regret that later on. but i really never thought that someday you would use it and get it back at me by pointing it out as my ugly things.

gak nyangka. sama sekali gak kepikiran kalo semua hal yang dishare, mulai dari curhat, uneg-uneg, marah, sampe yang putus asa, bisa dijadiin bumerang ke diri sendiri untuk menunjukkan kesalahan-kesalahan yg memang sudah ada dan disama-ratakan pula.

i'm sorry if i offended you in anyway, baik yg disengaja ataupun yg cuma asal ngomong tanpa ada maksud lebih dalam tapi ternyata terdengar keterlaluan.

but don't judge me. please don't. you're not in my position so you won't know the real things.
i know i have my bad, but i have my good side too.
jangan sama-ratakan antara 1 hal dengan hal yg lain, ataupun antara 1 orang dengan orang yg lain cuma berdasarkan dari yg loe lihat dan loe dengar. mungkin loe memang banyak melihat dan mendengar tapi itu gak berarti loe melihat dan mendengar semuanya. apalagi kalo loe bisa tau itu adalah karena memang mostly semua itu di-share ke loe tanpa ditutup-tutupi.

snapping, bickering, shouting.

bah.

playboy mansion? make it my dream house!!

ugh.. bagus banget sampe kebawa mimpi. sayangnya it costs a darn big fortune! doain aja yah biar bisa kesampean huhuhu

love is cinta

apa sih sebenernya cinta? apa sih arti dari kata2 yg sepertinya dibesar2kan oleh banyak orang, tapi sebenernya sebagian dari mreka juga gak ngerti dan masih mencari2 artinya?

kalo kata carrie bradshaw, serasa ada kupu2 dalam perut
kalo kata orang2 gombal, cinta bikin semua jadi indah
kalo kata orang2 bodoh, rela mati demi cinta
kalo kata alkitab, well secara ringkas, gak egois, sabar, murah hati dan semua hal positif
de el el, banyak lagi arti menurut penyair2 yg kalo ngedengernya waktu mood lagi gak pas bisa bikin sewot

yah, tapi intinya menurut kebanyakan orang cinta itu sesuatu yg bagus.

jadi kalo bisa melakukan apa saja demi seseorang, tapi kalo ditampar juga rasanya ingin membalas dengan menampar atau malah menendang itu namanya apa?

bisa berkorban dan merelakan segalanya, tapi juga bisa balas menyakiti jika disakiti dan bukannya malah menerima dan memaafkan itu disebut apa?

apa itu bisa masuk kategori cinta juga?

mungkin cinta yg egois, tapi seharusnya gak begitu.

atau itu cuma kenyataan pahit bahwa pada akhirnya manusia memang hanya makhluk hidup yg pada akhirnya secara alami akan mementingkan dan melindungi dirinya sendiri dulu?

atau yg seperti itu adalah hal aneh yg normal yg memang sering terjadi?
after all, love is something weird.

sometimes felt like magic, sometimes felt like BS. and too much love will kill you, somesay.

scary deja vu

belakangan ini ada hal yang bikin gue takut. entah kenapa semakin dilihat rasanya makin terlihat adanya kemiripan seseorang yang gak g suka dalam dirinya. menakutkan.

missed buses

must i push to the limit if u can't just take hints? yg kayaknya uda bukan dengan bisikan lagi tapi dengan teriakan. i'm sure u're not deaf nor blind. u're just ignoring it. berlagak bego. berlagak gila.

i think about it quite often lately. yang ujung-ujungnya berakhir dengan desahan napas yang menyesakkan dan air mata yang maksa mau keluar. the more i think of it, the more sad i become. it seems hopeless.

i don't know what i want anymore. di satu sisi, somehow i feel i must move on if it's still clueless. life goes on while u're busy wasting time. tapi di sisi yg lain i'm too scared to make any decision. takut untuk keluar dari comfort zone denial ini, bahwa semua pasti akan jadi lebih jelas. sejak tahun lalu. dan msh ada yang memberatkan hati dan juga sesuatu yg akan meninggalkan kesan buruk. and the worst part, either way is my lost. nasib sebagai pihak yang lebih lemah memang merugikan.

wish i have the strength and courrage to make a choice. by now u should know already how hard it was to get to this point, which is not far from where we started it. and next stop seems nowhere to be seen. entah kapan nyampenya. kadang rasanya hopeless.

how can u move on if u can't let go?

ignorance is bliss. wish i have it

is it wrong to have different expectations now and then?

people change, and perhaps so do their expectations toward things or other people. things that used to matter a lot could be something unimportant now or the other way around. i've seen that happens. and there are lots of disappointments from where it came from. and you can't really put the blame on anyone.

you can't make someone change into the way you want them to be. so it's not really A's fault if he/she stays the same but B change his/her mind about something A does/doesn't. things that were ok in the beginning might now feel annoying. what's left are only disappointments and regrets in B's heart and mind. and to be honest, i'm very scared about it too. i don't know whether my expectations would stay the same or change while there's possibility that things might stay the way they are.

please don't let me do/say things that would add the list of things i regret..

sometimes i wonder if i've made the right decision about this all this time. just crossing my fingers and wishing very hard that there would be no regrets. now or later.

well, you know how suck i am at making the right choices.

blah.

shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice

i was wondering if you're trying to make me look like a fool in front of that person or not.

maybe you didn't realize that what you did was bad for me. but too bad for you, i'm not someone that naive nor stupid that i could straight away tell that something was not right. and shame on you, i was right.

you could try, or as a matter of fact, you did tried to act stupid in front of me, but you know it won't work so why did you even bother and try? come one, babe. you know it won't be easy to fool me. i'm super sensitive, remember? that i could tell if something's wrong, even if that came from someone totally unimportant to me.

dan gue masih juga bingung kenapa loe masih juga gak bisa belajar untuk lebih terbuka dan jujur. apapun alasan loe, itu bullshit semua buat gue. i appreciate honesty more than caughting you doing ugly stuff myself.

now i do really think that this whole idea going for the trip is a bad thing. it gets worse in the past few days, not sure why. my short temper, her whiny noisy attitude. they don't get along really well anymore. and they won't. should i just call it off?

daripada gak ada yg enjoy dan malah bikin dosa padahal tujuan kesana adalah sesuatu yg seharusnya sacred. haruskah gue tega2in dan biarkan dia pergi sendirian bodoh2?

bah.

words of wisdom

went to the weekly women gathering mom's usually have every wednesday with her religion thing yesterday.

a piece of advise to think about: don't depend your happiness on someone else's hand. you can't expect other people to make you happy. it's you to make yourself happy, not other people. don't make your reason for living is to make someone happy and expect in return that they would make you happy too. you might get lucky but there's a bigger chance that you might get disappointed too.

easier said than done. well, the advise came from a man so it won't be that easy to be applied. i guess they make him as the guest speaker to see guys' point of view.

dapet mimpi jelek lagi pas di s'pore. sigh. entah itu another sign atau emang cuma alam bawah sadar gue yg masih gak bisa lupain. bener2 tamu gak diundang yg seenaknya dateng dengan skenario yg jelek.

going off for a week. hope everything's well and wish me luck for the GSS!! =D

the five people you meet in heaven

sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. you're just passing it on to someone else.

ada kalanya ingin berteriak memaki dengan kata2 yang sangat tajam dan menusuk untuk membalas agar orang tersebut bisa merasakan juga sakitnya. tapi gimanapun kata2 dan perbuatan pasti beda hasilnya.

sampai sekarang topik itu masih sukses membangkitkan rasa marah dan benci yg amat sangat sampai rasanya ingin menyumpah serapah. sayangnya belum tentu ada guna. yg ada bikin karma sendiri karena ngeluarin kata2 buruk.

a little joke

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does NOT BOAST, it is NOT PROUD. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
1 Corinthians 13:4 (i think)

and by joke i mean sindiran halus. hehehe.

i wish there's a mask that could always cover all my flaws. i wish i could be that mask.

sayangnya self control saya sangat payah sehingga topeng pun hanya bisa tahan dipakai sebentar sebelum akhirnya dibuang dan wajah asli pun terlihat.

yah sedikit banyak capek juga rasanya kalo harus bertopeng terus walaupun sebenarnya kadang diperlukan. ada juga yang akhirnya karena terlalu sering memakai topeng untuk menutupi wajah asli akhirnya topeng itu pun menjadi satu dengan dirinya. dan akhirnya jadi bingung sendiri dengan wajah yang sebenarnya seperti apa.

gak jelas yg satu ini tergolong jenis apaan. antik. kalo dibilang ayam pasti tersinggung padahal rasanya ada ciri2nya sedikit banyak.

yah, there goes my mood for bangkok. fun spoiler.

kenapa sih ga bisa mikir lurus aja? ga perlu sampe jauh2 ke ujung kulon tapi melenceng ga jelas. yg harusnya dipikirkan dan terpikirkan malah ga dianggap sama sekali. heran.

dipikir-pikir lucu juga. after 26 years of silence now only they start to fuss about it. they did wait according to the wise old man's word, eh?

after all these years they're afraid of me wanting it now suddenly they think it's time for me to think about it. and so the questions were asked.

hmph.

that question came again from the usually silent one, but in different sentence. i do think that this won't happen if i'm just with myself, got what i mean? would that be a better way? considering and looking at the current situation you guys might just say that the uncertainty is not much different from that. can't differentiate a go or no go situation. clueless. i don't even know how am i suppose to answer them. cos i don't know it myself.

there goes my bad melancholy side, the negative thinker. although you could say that sometimes i have a very darn good sense, that i can just see what's gonna happen even before things started, so it's not totally just negative thoughts.

all in all, insecurity is not a feeling you could ignore and just pretend everything is ok when it's not. it's called denial.

ketika kita berdoa dan meminta sesuatu tetapi tidak dikabulkan, mungkin jawaban dari permintaan tersebut adalah tidak. dan ketika kita menolak untuk membaca bahwa semua signs dari jawaban tersebut adalah tidak, maka kita tidak akan bisa menerimanya dan yg timbul adalah fase denial.

ironis.

obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

interesting.