new year, new year

one more day left before the year 2008 comes. one more day to see what's left in 2007 and look back what's been done through the year.

sigh. that's all i can say.

all in all, happy new year, everyone! hope the new year brings new hope, new spirit, health, happiness and prosperity to all of us. and bla, bla, bla.

tambahan dari si subject (baca: sedikit koreksi)

setelah nulis gue kasih liat ke tu orang trus ini tanggapan langsung dari doi. rada gak enak sebenernya karena tulisan gue rada kayak bikin dia jadi dijudge ma orang kali ya..

benernya ya itu half jokes, soalna ada hal lain lagi tapi itu nunjukin kalo ego gue gede
soalnya cantik itu pasti hilang dibawa umur kok.
and for make "her" can stay long itu adalah dia tuh harus sayang ama gue, trus pengertian, dah itu aja. gue bisa control perasaan gue. mungkin karena ego gue kegedean, so jng sampe bikin gue ilfill, skali ilfill lsg deh.

hm..

about a boy

can't believe it's already december again. it's the last month in a year. means new year's just around the corner. another year passed. everytime thinking about this kind of thing is the perfect mood killer.

speaking about things just around the corner reminds me about a friend. it's just recently in the past month that i became friends with a few new people. fun people. for now i just wanna tell about this one guy.

this guy, he's a very sanguine type that's all in him. fun, confident, talkative, loves to be the centre of attention and loud. easy to get close with almost anyone cos he's funny, thou. hm.. how to write this, eh? let's just cut to the chase where i mentioned about things that's just around the corner.

he loves girls. of course, he's a guy. but he's a bit commitment-phobia. not actually phobia but just the type that can't just settle with one beauty. looks like one is never enough for him cos there's always something more interesting in every corner. his standard about girls is quite high, but lucky him cos he got the capacity to be able to attract those girls into smitten with him. all of them whom he's also attracted to. funnily, sometimes each of them, individually, knows about the existence of the other girls around him although they don't know each other. and they don't mind. it's just that for him there's always another beauty around the corner. someone more beautiful than he already got around him. that's why it seems he never stop looking. it's an endless thing.

below are roughly the conversations i has with him and also with some other friends.

"if that's how you do, when will you stop and settle? when can you find someone that's perfect enough for you? when or what is enough?". he just simply said that he won't until he met that someone. "until when? you surely have to set yourself a time limit, considering you're already in your early 30s. and it's not only phisical but also emotional and attitude, etc that you have to consider", and he replied me with something quite, err.. shocking?: "if it's really the time i have to settle, i'll just simply pick the most beautiful one and marry her. and if she's really that pretty, i can forgive the rest"

actually this is his real quote in indo. ada kalimat lagi dan kalo diterjemahin ke inggris gak selucu aslinya, "kalo uda sampe waktunya belom nemu ya gue cap cip cup aja pilih yg paling cakep. beres, kan? yg paling penting fisik karena seumur hidup bakal loe liat tiap hari. yg paling penting tuh liat cewek ada 3 masa: waktu bangun tidur, waktu abis mandi dan waktu full make up. karena itu fisik paling penting. kalo itu ok, i can forgive the rest. asal cakep, mo belagu juga gak apa.

we all burst out laughing when he said that but personally i did that cos i'm speechless to that answer. somehow i think they also have their own thoughts while laughing. i don't know.

hm.. ain't man scary? haha..

seems there's many hearts shattered into pieces scattered here and there caused by him. but you'll never know.

memories

joined the uni of melb group on facebook. seeing the photos posted there, suddenly it brings back the memories while i was still there. miss it so much. i love the place and environment so much last time. can't redo the past, eh?

been having dreams in the past 2 weeks. from weird ones to nightmares, like last night's. hmm..

keranjingan yg sok imut2

http://www.theteraclub.com/
http://profiles.friendster.com/47063687
http://sexyangelfashion.multiply.com/photos
http://www.cloverchic.blogspot.com/

wish i found these kind of things 5 years earlier.
hack it, i ordered 1 today haha.. v(^.^)v
oh, nat found the sellers' websites and they're damn cheap there, but it's the min. requirement and shipment thingy that stops us from going direct =p
but we're thinking about it, thou. dasar cewek..
lucky this thing would only be seasonal for me. very excited now but it'll wore off in weeks.

around the world

gara2 liat foto2 temen gue yg baru pulang travel dari South Africa gue jadi pengen juga. hm.. mungkin not such a bad idea kalo ngumpulin duit untuk travel ke seluruh bagian dunia. but again, berapa banyak tuh yg mesti dikumpulin? bisa2 tiap abis travel pulang2 makan indomie tiap hari haha..

a view from the top of Table Mountain

interested, ndun? ;D

hourglass

seperti yg pernah gue denger dari dulu, kecepatan jalannya waktu buat tiap orang beda2. biasanya sih emang karena dipengaruhi sikon tapi sepertinya umur juga ternyata pengaruh. buat bayi 1 hari aja pasti rasanya lama karena mereka gak ngapa2in dan emang gak harus ngapa2in juga, tapi makin gede dan makin tua pasti waktu rasanya lewat cepet banget. so little time, so many things to do

tanda2 penuaan dini, eh?

try this

http://www.oneishy.com/personality/personality_test.php

http://web.tickle.com/tests/genderidentity/

musim ujan dateng lagi nih. hampir setiap sore ujan mulu beberapa hari ini biarpun cuma sebentar. ujannya juga bukan yg lebat banget sih jadi masih ok. kalo ujan ada enaknya sih karena udara jadi lebih dingin tapi biasanya efek jeleknya tuh bikin macet. dan jangan sampe ada banjir lagi deh.

entah kenapa kalo ujan pasti bisa bikin mood jadi lebih kalem. bawaannya jadi mellow. mungkin karena suasananya mendung dan sejuk ya. kaca jendela penuh sama tetesan air hujan jadi apapun yg kita lihat diluar sana jadi bias. semuanya blurred. termasuk apa yg keliatan dari jendela kamar gue.

kalo suasana kayak gini mungkin paling enak buat santai. seperti yg dulu sering gue sama c bayangin duduk di cozy sofa sambil minum hot chocolate ngeliatin ujan dari jendela sambil dengerin lagu. tapi entah kenapa lagu-lagu yg gue suka dengerin kalo lagi mellow pasti justru lagu-lagu mellow juga, bukan sebaliknya yg justru bisa cheer up suasana. oh well, dalam suasana apapun memang pasti lagu slow sih yg gue suka hehe.

ini salah satu contohnya. suram, tapi gue suka musiknya. gue lupa pernah post tentang lagu ini sebelomnya gak ya? anyway, semoga gue gak akan pernah sampe nemuin lagu ini ada kemiripan dengan kejadian dalam hidup gue hehe.

-----------------------

I Can't Make You Love Me
-George Michael- (originally sang by Bonnie Raitt)

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

CHORUS:
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

CHORUS:
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

Ain't no use in you trying

holiday's over

can't believe fun times always fly faster than you think.

decided not to go to bangkok. too many craps to leave behind if i just went off. surely, that's what i want actually, running away as usual. sigh. so yeah, i'll apologize to lin & y and i'll try making it up by planning a visit in a real holiday time, sometime in hopefully not so far future.

oh, we've lost half of GG already this time. still crossing fingers for getting the other half. and hopefully for next ones too.

holiday, finally

akhirnya saat yg ditunggu2 dateng juga. bukan hari rayanya sih karena gue kan gak lebaranan tapi yg ditunggu-tunggu tuh saat-saat dimana jakarta sepi!! kosong melompong dimana loe bisa nyetir dengan santai atau mau 100kmh lebih juga bisa karena sepi banget. puas deh mo muter2in jakarta. tapi sayangnya biasanya saat2 bahagia seperti itu cuman 2-3 hari trus abis itu mulai crap lagi deh. coba bisa terus kayak gitu hehe. ini emang bukti kalo jakarta tuh jadi tempat orang cari duit. aslinya sih mungkin emang kosong2 aja kali ya.

yah anyway, masih belom bisa decide about bangkok. pengen banget pergi karena tempted shoppingnya juga tapi kepentok urusan GG dan menp jadi entah harus standby atau bisa kabur. ditambah prospek kalo pergi sendiri ke tempat yg sama sekali ga dikenal kayaknya suram deh. nyokap sekali denger juga udah langsung respond dengan nada tinggi nanya gak salah?

sigh

another quite disappointing thing. am i asking too much?

copied from a bulletin in fs

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn'tmistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it willget better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... Even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary.

Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

stu's here to meet with the gold's. yeah, finally after being postponed since june. met the owner too, a big businessman, whom they said worries more about numbers before others. hope it will work this time. don't really have the confindent but just crossing the fingers.

i hate monday

pagi ini bangun dengan kepala sedikit pusink. entah karena kurang tidur sejak hari jumat gara2 baca komik mulu dan ngelayap karena ada c, atau karena banyak hal yg rasanya mulai bikin putus asa. rasanya jadi gak antusias aja menyambut hari. males karena gak ada yg bisa di-look forward yg bisa membuat semangat. pengennya libur dan maen terus.

hm.. ini sih childish atau desperate ya? bit of both, i'm sure.

compatibility

selama ini banyak forward2an di email tentang relationships, be it sweet, funny or sarcastic. selama ini bacanya sih lucu2 aja dan mikirnya masuk2 aja di akal, tapi ketika ngeliat sekeliling kita ternyata malah kayaknya ada yg seems so true juga. salah 1 contohnya yg tentang marriage.

a woman decides to be with a guy with hope that someday he’ll change (to be a better and grown up man, of course), whereas a guy decides to be with a woman in hope that she’ll stay the way she were when they first met, sweet and tame. pasti pernah denger atau baca yg kayak gini kan? foolish hope and thoughts, huh?

ada buku yg laris manis dengan judul Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus. jelas2 dari judulnya aja uda bisa kebaca kalo ce and co tuh beda and they speak different languages jadi ya susah nyambung kan? ga perlu dijelasin panjang lebar juga kayaknya uda cukup ngerti dengan point itu kan. ditambah soal change atau same old same old. well, seperti yg selalu gue bilang people change. tapi jarang yg mejadi lebih baik dari sebelumnya. ada, tapi gak banyak. kadang2 karena ada atau tidak adanya perubahan yg diharapkan itu, yg tadinya dikira bisa cocok akhirnya jadi gak cocok. yg tadinya nyambung juga jadi ga nyambung deh. dan seterusnya. tentang understanding dan kompromi? let's see how far could that word's meaning go.

lama2 gue bisa jadi parno sendiri.

lucu-lucuan aja

kalo ada 5 kejadian berlangsung secara bersamaan, mana yg bakal loe lakuin lebih dulu? urutin dari 1 sampe 5:
- telpon bunyi
- keran air luber
- bayi nangis
- ada yg ketok pintu
- ada jemuran kering trus mulai ujan

be independent and no. 3

malem minggu kemaren, as usual, hang out ma temen2 yg biasa plus dengan temen2 yg dibawa mereka. sejak ketemuan sama rk pasti tiap ngumpul2 ketemu orang baru. yah namanya aja JHC jadi emang orang2nya banyak banget, tapi jangan harap pas kenalan 10 orang bisa nantinya nyambung lagi dengan 10 orang yg sama. tiap minggu beda2 dan secara emang gue bukan orang yg aktif jadi yah kenalan cuma sebatas kenalan. hehe.

anyway, ada yg unik pas kenalan sama orang baru kemaren itu. salah 1 dari mereka ternyata kerja di House of Feng Shui. menarik kan? otomatis, dia jadi hot item malem itu. semua langsung pada minta diramalin and nanyain macem2, khususnya ce2 termasuk gue pastinya. beberapa hal, entah itu lucky guess atau memang he's that good, ada yg beneran tepat tapi ada juga yg gak. itu lumrah. berlaku buat semua yg disana juga, bukan cuma di gue.

tentang gue, sepertinya memang gue gak bisa lari dari kenyataan dan nasib ya. 1 hal yg selalu pengen gue deny biarpun tanda2nya mulai keliatan, disamping karena pepatah "buah jatoh gak jauh dari pohonnya", tapi tetep aja gue selalu penasaran masak iya jalan gue adalah mesti seperti itu? tapi sepertinya emang begitu. can't run from fate, eh? oh well, the more you struggle to run from it, the more it strangle you. ada yg bilang fate bisa kita ubah atau tentuin sendiri. mungkin benar. tapi butuh keberanian untuk mulai merubahnya. dan kekuatan hati tentunya. oh, and prayers too. lots of it.

ada lagi yg aneh tapi orang itu gak menjelaskan lebih detail lagi. yah, ciri2 peramal memang harus selalu ada parts yg tidak dirinci dan dibiarkan mengambang supaya terpulang ke diri masing2 untuk introspeksi diri. still can't figure out about gangguan. hm..

ada pertanyaan:
loe masuk ke 1 gerbong kereta yg penuh orang hampir kayak desak2an. tiba2 loe liat ada 1 kursi kosong. apa yg bakal loe lakuin? pilih 1 dari 3 pilihan berikut:
1. langsung dudukin
2. liat sekeliling untuk liat apa ada orang lain yg mau dudukin juga tapi loe tetep aja buru2 dudukin
3. pindah ke gerbong lain, sapa tau ada yg kosong di gerbong lain

it's been quite long since i last wrote or update anything here. never realised it's almost a month. surely there are things to update but now have to get ready. tn is coming over to pick me up before we pick up mic.

got lots of reading on my spare time. if i have one. people's blogs. hehe.

one of audrey hepburn's favourite poem - copied from forwarded email

Time Tested Beauty Tips

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone...

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed and redeemed and redeemed.
Never throw out anybody.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands.
One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

– Sam Levenson

words of wisdom

pas kamis kemaren ikutan partisipasi di acara seminar ITB, ada kalimat berikut pas lagi doa penutupan:
"usaha harus dibarengi dengan doa karena keduanya harus berjalan beriringan. usaha tanpa doa adalah sombong, sedangkan doa tanpa usaha adalah tahayul (spelling?) alias cuma omong kosong."

sederhana, tapi bener banget.

never judge me from what you look outside. you'll never know what it's like to be in my shoes, so don't be a smartass.

a big question mark

setiap hari dimulai dengan perasaan berat, dijalani dengan perasaan hampa dan diakhiri dengan perasaan capek.
tanya kenapa?

kenapa. itu adalah satu di antara macam2 kata tanya atau pertanyaan lainnya yg paling susah buat dijawab. apa, siapa, dimana, kapan, dll itu masih lebih bisa dijawab dengan gampang karena lebih jelas. kalo kenapa itu yg susah karena jawabannya adalah berupa penjelasan yg kadang orang yg bersangkutan sendiri susah buat ngertiinnya.

i need a break from this hell before i lose it.
i need a break from the monster.
we need a break from each other, actually.
temporarily or permanently.

i wanna get out of this whole madness.
i NEED to leave this whole life jokes before i went crazy.
somebody please safe me. anybody.
i don't have the power to safe myself out of this mess.
i'm not a supergirl or other super heroes. i need one, instead.
i may look strong outside but i'm not that tough. i'm not.
really, i'm just made of flesh and blood like the rest of us.

riddle time

.. _.. ___ ..__ _... _ _ .... ._ _ .... . .. ... ._. .. __. .... _ .._. ___ ._. __
.. _.. ___ _. _ _ .... .. _. _._ .... . _._. ._ _. ... .._ .__. .__. ___ ._. _ __ . .. _. _ .... . .__ ._ _.__ .. .__ ._ _. _ ___ ._. _. . . _..

hmph.. by the time i post this writing it automatically rearrange the gap i've put in between. darn it.

the nut house

there are times when i feel like my world is collapsing. no, wait. it's me who could go crash and burn any minute. just wait and see for how much longer i could hang on to this whole life's madness. and there's a darn bad excuse for that.

i've been walking with no clear direction nor destination for the past few years. clueless. sad but true to say that my whole life up to this moment is meaningless. what's the point of all this, anyway? i went through day by day with no satisfaction to life. i do grateful for what i have now, all of them. two parents, a small business that could earn enough money to buy food and pay the bills, a good bf (he prefers to be described as unique and maybe that's more suitable, actually), and some good friends, but still i can't get the aim of the life itself.

each day is filled with routine stuff, the same thing each and everyday. from weeks to months and then years. and none of those contribute a meaningful significant value to the journey. i guess none of those were done from the heart, eh?

again, maybe it's just me. maybe i do need to really hold on to a religion to guide me as they always say?

female boss from hell

dulu si hel suka cerita, entah dengan hiperbola yg bener2 berlebihan atau beneran, kalo bosnya dia itu bener2 suka nyiksa orang. bos cewek. anak buahnya semua tiap hari berangkat ke kantor dengan perasaan deg-degan was2 mikir entah apa lagi yg bakal terjadi hari ini. apakah si ibu hari ini lagi baik atau lagi gila lagi seperti kebanyakan harinya. kerja sama si ibu itu bisa dibilang jadi having no normal life. jam pulang kantor hari biasa bisa jam 9-10an, bahkan sabtu atau malah minggu pun bisa aja tiba2 disuruh masuk. pernah sekali yg gue tau dia malem minggu di kantor ampe jam 3 pagi kalo gak salah. entah sebenernya yg dikerjain itu bener2 penting atau cuma si ibu aja yg suka aneh2.

jujurnya, sampe saat si hel berhenti kerja disana, walaupun dengan gaji yg kalo orang denger bisa langsung kaget dan pengen, gue selalu mikir kayaknya si hel aja yg melebih2kan. tekanan batin dan sering nangis sendiri karena sakit hati katanya. mungkin karena gue gak pernah bener2 ada di posisi dia jadinya gue bisa mikir gitu. tapi gak dikit juga yg mikir sama kayak gue kalo dengan gaji di atas rata2 seperti itu sih kayaknya wajar2 aja. malah sepertinya kerjaan benernya tuh gak susah tapi yg susah itu ngadepin si ibu aja.

dan setelah sekian lama akhirnya gue nyadar kenapa gue bisa mikir seperti itu. dengan situasi yg gue alamin uda lebih dari 2 taon ini, dengan perasaan was2 gak enak setiap bangun pagi, gue ngerasa yg dialamin si hel dan temen2 kantornya itu belom ada apa2nya. atau mungkin sama aja rasanya biarpun beda subjectnya karena gue sepertinya uda familiar dengan hal2 tidak menyenangkan seperti itu.

c got his promotion as the new acting CM there!! he'll be on probation for 6 months, and then if things are ok, he'll replace the previous cm who now is in charge for pp.

congrats and all the best, dear.

another ex's wedding bell

eko is getting married this sunday!!! whoaa, all my ex are getting married!

kemaren sore tiba2 ada bel dari bawah katanya ada yg anter surat, jadi suruh pembokat tolong ambilin. eh tau2nya wedding invitation si eko buat hari minggu ini. hm.. tapi kok ga ada sopan santunnya untuk contact dan ngomong langsung ya? emang gak niat ngundang juga kali ya ngirim undangannya juga tinggal bbrp hari doank waktunya. so, gue bisa suka2 kalo mau ya gue dateng, kalo gak ya udah kan? sebodo amat gak penting juga kok buat gue hehe. trus menurut gue ma nat ada yg rada aneh jg tapi egp lah. kalo kata orang pasti siapa gue siapa loe hehe.

anyway, congrats deh buat mereka. akhirnya kawin muda juga mereka.

kemaren pas terima undangan itu si c lagi ada disini. dia dateng dari minggu pagi trus kemaren malem balik. pas abis terima undangannya gue langsung bentar2 ketawa geli terus gak bisa berhenti kira2 stengah jam ada kali tuh.

oiya, ada yg ampir kelupaan. kemaren the first time ever g nyoba bikin kue. oreo cheesecake sih jadi yg bener2 gampang buat pemula hehe. yg bagian susahnya cuma ngaduk2 adonannya dan itu bagiannya si c deh hihi.

life is indeed full of surprises, eh? funny, great, sad, stupid and other kinds of surprises. and all of them paints a colour in our life.

ada yg beda sejak waktu itu dan kerasa banget. dan gue kayaknya mulai bisa nanggepin dengan sedikit masa bodo. kadang2 doang sih kalo gue bener2 sebel dan coba nahan diri biasanya gue langsung cari distraction. any kind of it. ini gawat gak?

orang pintar dan orang gila

kemarin2 pas ngobrol sama orang2 BDI ada pertanyaan/teka-teki menarik dari seorang bapak: apa persamaan dari orang gila dan orang pintar? sebenernya sih jawabannya yg menarik. kalo perbedaannya kan jelas satu gila dan satunya pintar. persamaannya? sama2 susah diajak ngomong.

bull's eye. sama sekali gak bermaksud menyindir tentang orang gila karena dari awal ditekankan tentang orang yg terlalu pintar. jadi inget katanya einstein pun dibilang stengah jenius stengah gila.

jadi pesan untuk orang yg terlalu pintar: belajarlah untuk menjadi sedikit bodoh, at least pura2 lah untuk sedikit lebih bodoh. rendah hati. karena terlalu pintar akan bikin kita kewalahan dan susah sendiri.

kayaknya ada yg salah sama urat panik gue. atau emang gue tipe yg bener2 lamban untuk menangkap arti sebenernya dari suatu keadaan yg seharusnya biasanya bikin orang feel alarmed seketika itu juga. atau mati rasa ya? entah, mungkin campuran keduanya.

satu hal yg pasti, gue bener2 amat sangat sebel sekali sama satu orang yg bener2 menyebalkan.

circle of life

mulai malam ini nyokap diopname selama 2 hari atau mungkin lebih. tergantung tindakan yg perlu dilakukan oleh dokter setelah menganalisa hasil MRI tadi pagi.

ada sedikit penyumbatan di bagian otak yg mungkin adalah penyebab kepalanya pusing terus, tapi menurut dokter itu bukan sesuatu yg sangat bermasalah atau mendesak untuk saat ini. yg lebih penting adalah syaraf kejepit di bagian tangannya yg menyebabkan jari2nya kesemutan atau malah kadang mati rasa. itu sebabnya kadang barang yg dipegangnya bisa tiba2 terlepas dan jatuh. "tangannya gak mau denger kata," kalo kata nyokap. ini yg mesti ditangani secepatnya supaya gak jadi makin parah. sekarang sudah hampir terasa baal dari ujung jari sampai setengah telapak tangan, dan kalo makin parah bisa sampai 1 lengan mati rasa katanya. untuk itu mungkin nyokap harus menjalani operasi kecil. semoga setelah itu beneran hilang semua rasa gak enaknya itu. semoga stressnya juga bisa berkurang dan hilang.

ujung2 jari kedua tangan gue juga sering berasa kesemutan. apa gue harus check up juga? takut, kalo ternyata nanti malah ditemuin hal2 jelek lainnya.

silence is golden since conversation has run dry.

there are times when silence would be much useful when preserved rather than starting anything. this is definitely applicable for me when dealing with other situation.

ada yg sakit di sekitar dada. sejak bangun tadi pagi masih terasa sampai sekarang. sesak. entah uda yg keberapa kalinya ngerasa kayak gini.
am i really pushing it to the limit?

depressing note

ternyata blog gue bisa bikin orang yg baca jadi ikutan stress loh. hehe makanya blog gue ini gak pernah gue umumin jadi cuma temen2 tertentu yg tau. soalnya isinya ya tumpahan semua omelan, uneg2 dan yg lain2nya yg gak bisa gue keluarin di aslinya. gak mungkin kan gue pasang tampang suram terus ke semua orang kalo gue lagi kesel dan bete setengah mati? jadi ya blog ini lah tempat keluarnya semua darkside gue. my alter ego, maybe? nah, just some sort of my whiny, grumpy and never-feel-satisfied part. hehehe.

a sigh of... denial?

things are definitely still not right. not sure why but seems it's difficult to fix this time. can still feel the tension. maybe both parties start to reach own limits. could this be the sign they have been looking for? a sign that could tip them on what's next.

believe it or not, hope it's not. too tired if have to start things all over again. prefer to just fix and make what's there works.

but still can't understand why this party should always be the first one who brings up things when they're not right so it can be fixed, if it can be fixed. why can't the other party initiate it? so they're not the one who's entitled to the bad party sign? at the lowest time, the thought that this isn't right and that it might never work did occur. that all this time it's all denial.

semalem cuma dapet tidur 4 jam padahal siang ini harus ketemu orang. dan belom tidur lagi sampe sekarang karena masih ada yg belum selesai. padahal sepertinya gak penting sih tapi tetep aja mesti dikerjain dulu.

oh, ternyata ikannya beneran ada. lebih tepatnya ikan jelek yg udah basi. hal lain yg bikin gue tambah banyak pikiran dan jadi penyebab gue susah nambah berat (mengingat cara makan gue yg uda lumayan kayak orang barbar) adalah gue masih juga belom dapetin itu sampe hari ini padahal uda lewat batasnya. makin lama gue makin stress kalo kepikiran soal ini.

duh kayaknya gue mau tidur aja deh, besok baru dikerjain. nulis2 santai gini aja uda lemes dan ngantuk, gimana kalo mesti pake mikir? inilah hasil dari tidur cuma 4 jam. dan inilah bukti kalo gue udah tambah tua. dulu sering bergadang sampe pagi dan pernah beberapa kali malah langsung lanjutin hari tanpa tidur sama sekali sampe malemnya lagi dan rasanya biasa2 aja. mesti bener2 mulai merubah cara hidup gue yg gak sehat dan suka nunda2 tar-sok, tar-sok supaya jadi orang yg lurus kalo kata nyokap gue. suka lari adalah tanda pemalas. karena gak mau repot atau pusing ini-itu.

serakah, marah benci, malas dan sombong. kata ajaran agama nyokap gue itu adalah hal2 yg menjauhkan kita dari jodoh dengan hal2 yg baik. maksudnya jadi gak enteng jodoh sama yg bagus2. semoga gue gak pernah punya sifat pertama dan terakhir karena 2 yg di tengah pun sudah cukup jelek dan harus gue buang.

the ultimate question

satu hal yg gue lupa ceritain pas update tentang KL kemaren.

karena ini pernikahan dari salah satu sanak saudara, gak heran kan kalo yg kita kenal dari sederet daftar tamu2nya pasti adalah sanak saudara lainnya juga? dan karena itu adalah suatu acara yg membahagiakan buat seluruh keluarga besar, bisa ketebak gimana jadinya waktu mereka saling ketemu satu sama lain: langsung ngobrol2 mulai dari apa kabar, tinggal dimana, gimana kabar saudara yg ini, yg itu, de el el sampe yg gak penting. dan ujung2nya bener aja, bisa ditebak dari awal, pasti akhirnya keluar juga deh the ultimate question yg ditunggu-tunggu: "kapan?".

well, yg dapet pertanyaan kayak gini sih pastinya orang2 tua yg masih punya stock di kandang yg belom dilepas, contohnya ya bonyok gue. jelas2 ketauan kalo gue masih di dalem kandang soalnya ngintil mereka ke acara kayak gituan dan bukannya malah dateng sama pasangan.

hasilnya? tiap ketemu uncles dan aunties, pertanyaan selanjutnya yg gue dapet setelah basa-basi adalah: kapan?

jadi inget iklan rokok yg temanya enjoy aja. kejadiannya kira2 mirip kayak gitu deh. dan gue sambil senyum juga bilang, "belom, nanti kalo uda tau gue kabarin", tapi sebel juga karena kalo diliat-liat sekeliling gue emang uda pada mulai ninggalin gue.

tapi emangnya ini balapan? tau ah, pucing.

craps

something's not right. or can i say not right, "yet"? it still smells fishy. well, it feels fishy.

and i hate that.

again, wanna run as i usually do but i'm kind of running out of space for it.

and i hate that too.

waitng for something to fall from the sky to settle everything. yeah, a pathetic daydreamers' wish.

ada sedikit sedih juga rasanya hari lewat begitu aja.

happy birthday?

finally went to KL again after years but this time wasn't that excited anymore. it was for kc's wedding in renaissance, and then went to penang to meet the Dato. oh, the PM got married again on last saturday.

met der again for a while and seems he's doing well now. i just realized that he's the only person i still have in contact everytime i went there. wanna meet ker too but too bad he lost her contact already and i forgot to message her on fs before i went there. wanna see that quek too but der hate him now so he don't wanna have any contact with him anymore.

anyway, funny thing since i came back i'm not even sure if it's still the same as before i leave. as usual, stupid things i hate happened and we haven't talk about it since. prefer not to. feels weird like something's not right but i don't wanna push anything cos from my experience all gets worse when i do that.

overrated but high on demand

(i wrote this crap back then when i was in penang early last week.)

know what it is? it's one of those crap things related to romance: the true love thing.
overrated, but said it does happen to those who are lucky enough to have it.

what's all that fuss everyone's been talking about and dying to find one, actually? i don't even know if i belong to that group of lucky people. didn't mean to offend anyone, but that's the inferiority i feel. some describe it as something that brings out the very best of those who found it. sounds great. but maybe i'm not entitled to that sort of privilege. or maybe i do or did lucky enough to have it but that plus point from it seems to just wore off over time. well, i'm a stubborn person so that's not weird. or maybe it does. ok, i'm in denial cos what's yes is yes and what's not is not. anyway, i'm not sure i ever gave that privilege to anyone either so we can just call it even.

bah.

running out of space to run

gue sering banget lari. dari kenyataan, bukan lari dalam arti harafiah yg tentunya kalo beneran bakal bagus buat gue.

kalo diliat ke belakang, kebiasaan jelek ini uda gue lakuin sejak gue masih kecil. sedikit ketemu yg susah2 atau gak enak, udah deh pasti nangis dan gak mau lagi. lari dari kenyataan. kayak sekarang ini gue sering banget pengen lari dan mulai mikir seandainya waktu itu begini, seandainya dulu begitu dan banyak andai2 lain deh yg dijadiin kambing hitam buat keadaan sekarang yg gak seperti yg gue pengen. childish banget ya. dan kayaknya faktor males juga berperan penting sih disini. males menghadapi rintangan, maunya yg gampang2 aja.

gue seperti orang yg gak bisa nerima kenyataan apa adanya ya? atau mungkin lebih tepatnya gak puas? yg mana aja tetep gak tau diri banget rasanya tapi gue yakin kalo gue bukan satu2nya yg bisa disalahin untuk ini.

ughh... ngaco2 apa lagi yg gue tulis disini? pucink.

the L word

no, it doesn't stand for Love nor Lesbian like the tv series.

to be honest, gue quite disappointed sama jawaban yg gue dapet. well, memang pas itu baru ngobrol2nya aja sih tapi tetep aja kata2nya sounds like ini gak ada penting2nya dan emang gak ada tujuan apa2. dan nanti kalo ternyata suatu saat ada baru dipikirin dan diputusin mau gimana. in other words, karena sekarang masih asik2 aja jadi biarin nanti aja kalo mau baru dipikirin. serasa itu soal gampang buat dia, kalo ok ya lanjutin acaranya, kalo gak ya tinggal distopin aja. a few tears dropped silently. sakit bok ampe sekarang juga masih berasa, but i managed to hold up dan malah bisa make a joke out of it and laugh buat nutupin takut kalo malah makin jadi. rada mirip ndin yg bilang kalo dia champion at fake smile tapi mungkin beda situasi dan tujuan hehe. memalukan. pura2 kayak besi padahal cuma porselen.

mungkin seperti yg sering dia bilang sebenernya dia gak bermaksud seperti itu, secara gue sering salah artiin omongannya katanya. mungkin memang gue aja yg over sensi. tapi gimanapun itu kan bukan mainan, setidaknya buat gue. memang ada yg anggep itu penting banget, ada yg biasa aja atau malah ada yg mikir itu sangat gak penting dan cuma jadi beban, seperti kir and his wife di SF.

and i don't know what gonna happen next. capek dan percuma kalo nebak2 dalam ketidakpastian karena bertanya pun belum tentu dapat jawaban. secara yg ditanya juga mungkin belom pernah mikir apa2.

mamma mia

entah orang sini mo bikin aneh2 apa lagi. dari kemaren2 ada iklan audisi buat pemeran mama mia.

jadi pengen nonton shows lagi tapi sayangnya jauh banget. dan mahal. huh.

summer blitz

this year's summer is sure filled with lots of box office movies, eh? kicks off with the spiderman 3 early this month, tomorrow's pirates 3 and then following soon shrek 3, harry potter, fantastic four, ocean's 13, and lots of other non-sequels too. wanna see sandra bullock's premonition too but if it's scary then forget it. better wait for the drama or rom-com movies like meg ryan's in the land of women and jen garner's catch and release. hate it can't watch it while in the states. now have to wait until it comes up here. if it does shown here. hmph..

another talk

eh.. dah lama ga updet tau2 sekarang blogger dah bisa autosave yah. lumayan deh kalo bener jadinya ga mencak2 lagi kalo lagi seru ngetik2 tau2 komputernya hang atau internetnya bego tetep masi bisa diselametin hehe..

anyway, temen ama gue tersayang yg selama ini deket sama nyokap gue passed away juga hari minggu subuh minggu lalu setelah sempet koma pas sabtu pagi, biarpun pas sabtu malamnya si ama uda normal dan bener2 keliatan seger lagi. nenek2 yg uda dianggep kayak pengganti nyokap ma nyokap gue, yg sering dateng main ke rumah buat ngobrol, ngajak nyokap pergi makan atau jalan2, yg tiap taon pas nyokap b'day pasti dateng sama anaknya buat bawa kue and ngajak nyokap pergi makan ini meninggal di umur 91 taon. perjalanan hidup yg panjang ya.

biarpun kematian sepertinya wajar bagi orang2 yg uda tua tapi tetep aja shocking karena baru beberapa hari sebelumnya kita nengokin dia di rumah sakit dan bener2 keliatan fit kayak biasanya. kata anak2nya si ama ini cuma lemah kurang gizi karena uda tua aja. sering diet karena diabetes katanya. tapi ternyata setelah meninggal baru anak2nya cerita ke kita kalo sebenernya ada kanker yg uda ganas di rahimnya si ama. ajaib, kan di umur segitu? tapi beruntung juga lah karena dia didiagnosa penyakit nyeremin itu di umur yg uda bener2 lanjut, jadi dia sendiri juga mungkin gak ngerasain sakitnya terlalu lama. yg hebatnya, si ama ini udah nyiapin semua kebutuhan untuk funeral dia dari sejak taon 94. dari tanah kuburannya, baju2 yg nantinya akan dipakai saat masuk peti, sampe mutiara2nya. well, sepertinya dengan siap2 seperti itu malah jadi jimat untuk bikin panjang umur ya.

anyway, orang yg meninggal di umur segitu dan hidupnya dalam keadaan serba cukup dengan anak2nya yg uda ngasih cucu bahkan uda punya cicit dibilang beruntung oleh orang2. itu sebabnya di ruang rumah dukanya ada aksen merahnya, bukan cuma putih seperti umumnya. ternyata katanya untuk orang yg meninggal di atas 80 taon (kalo gak salah) dan uda punya cucu, dll bisa dibilang "ho mia". jadi selain sedih ada unsur bahagianya juga katanya.

semoga aja nanti kita juga bisa begitu.

shit talk

aunt cis' father died last night. it was just like what my mom told her earlier when we were staying at her house in new jersey, that she should go back to visit her father while he's still alive. well, it's not easy for her to go for a long trip or flight so i can understand that part. i'm not sure about other reasons.

as we get older, the word death becomes more real, don't you think? and it scares the hell out of me. but it's not of my own. it's of the people around me. i've always have this feeling of being left alone, having nobody to care about me anymore. it's an awful feeling. maybe i'm just being paranoid, but it's true. as time passes, it becomes more real. well, it would be real too if you experience it in your tender age but what i mean is that the horrible feeling is more and more shocking from time to time. well, at least i know it would be for me. it's like reality bites. maybe when we're kids, maybe we heard that a's grandpa or b's grandma died. and then 20-30 years later we start to hear e's mom or m's dad died. can't imagine when maybe 40-50 years later we start to hear that a or b died. somehow it feels like counting down to our own time, eh?

born as a little baby, go to study as child and teenager, go to work as an adult, get married, have kids and maybe grandkids if you're lucky, get old and died one day. that's the cycle of life. well, you can consider yourself lucky if you could get through your old days in good health.

people do come and go from our lives. it's just hard to take it literally when it really comes. just hope there'll be no regret about anything.

kc's wedding

i'm going for a trip again sooner than i thought. hopefully there'll be no fuss later when the time comes.

wish me luck for the project we're on now. hope we'll get it. all's well that ends well.
*wishing so hard crossing my fingers*

gue dan pikiran konyol gue

gue pengen ngadopsi anak nih.

kira2 gimana ya reaksi orang2 pas denger gue nyeplos kayak gitu? bisa kebayang pasti ada yg bilang gue sedenk, ada yg langsung ngakak, tapi mungkin juga ada yg gak bereaksi karena mikir palingan gue lagi ngelantur jadi gak penting buat didengerin haha..

tapi serius deh kayaknya punya "mainan" pasti rasanya seneng. maunya sih punya sendiri tapi kan gue belom merit jadi punya orang aja deh hehe

kemaren siang si vie uda ngelahirin jagoan pertamanya di hermina juga, sama kayak ann. tadinya janjian sama si ndin mo nengonkin malem ini tapi akhirnya jadi besok pagi karena dia mesti ke dokter hari ini. lusa malem dia uda mo balik ke melb jadi mesti beresin semua ini-itu secepetnya deh.

tis n tat

ugh... kok gue ingetnya si c umurnya 27 mulu yah? padahal jelas2 gue ndiri yg mark the calender pake tulisan "his 28th b'day". apa karena gue slalu ngukurnya pake umur ndiri yg berasanya cuma beda 2 taon karena beda taonnya emang cuma selisih 2 taon ya?

anyway, heroes emang seru banget! payah, mau beli dvd-nya dari jaman kuda ampe skrg belom beli2.. jadi pengen koleksi hehe

spidey 3 lagi hot2nya nih premiere hari ini. di blitz bandung aja katanya hari ini kejual 3.500 tiket just for today's spidey show. dan dijual advance pula. gimana nasib gue yg mo nonton bareng andin ma temen2nya yg mo nekat go show aja? tsk.. tapi mungkin kalo di tempat2 biasa yg gak terlalu rame sih pasti dapet2 aja kali ya. masalahnya jauh and 3in1 itu yg bikin males dan susah.

blogspot tersayang

for the millionth time i said it, again, time flies. gak nyangka pas liat2 blog ternyata uda setaon ngetik2 yg gak penting di blogspot ini, padahal kayaknya pindah blog kesini aja belom lama. jadi berasa tambah tua lagi deh..

tambah tua? uda pasti. tambah bijaksana? belom tentu.. hehehe

if only

if only all the bad people are as stupid as he is
if only all of them are as "honest" as he is
if only they are as "generous" as he is
if only...

too bad that he is really that slow and the damages are so disadvantaging. hmph..

trying too hard or not hard enough?

that i myself can't answer. different people would see it differently on how much effort you put into something.

waiting for reality to kick in

hate this uncertainty. haven't feel anything big yet but surely it will if it finally gonna really hit this time. or maybe i'm just in denial for the hundreds of times.

little update dari apel gede

tokyo is cancelled, so we extended 2 more days in NY. oh, ndin still stick to the plan so she's leaving tomorrow morning. err.. make that in a few hours.

have to plan perfectly for the appointment in narita with the guy who'll deliver the items we firstly planned to meet in tokyo.. hope it'll work.

i just lost my holiday mood because of that stupid useless one. i'm so, so angry that i feel like swearing, punching and kicking him all at once. can't he do something right for once?? i mean, for god's sake, it's his fucking business too!!! can't he use his brain on this??

aarrgghhh, i'm so pissed off right now!!!

those bastards also crossed the line, but too bad it was that useless one they're always looking for and clearly everyone can see why. i don't care if we won't have any relationship with them in the future, they're no good but all disadvantaging for us anyway.

and for the stupid one, he might do nothing good either except just for the sake that he's exist.

BAH!!!

there are some things i did and said just out of feeling that it's a must. something like "sopan-santun". or maybe "basa-basi" would describe it more perfect.

anyway, in LA now, staying in san's house and have no idea where to go.

pain in the ass

feels like some people are just there being themselves to annoy you or pissed you off. these kind of people brings out the bad in you.

poetic mood

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
George Sand

To love and to be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.
David Viscott

If you would be loved, love and be lovable.
Benjamin Franklin

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare

dekat tapi jauh

pernah gak tiba2 ngerasa orang yg selama ini ada di dekat kita terasa seperti orang asing? waktu kita diam dan melihat rasanya aneh dan tiba2 jadi seperti gak kenal lagi. jadi tiba2 males juga rasanya. agak ilfil. atau mungkin itu memang sisi lain yang belum kita lihat makanya terasa asing? atau mungkin yg selama ini diperlihatkan ke kita memang palsu? jadi tiba2 ilfil.

twisted words or twisted mind?

life still sucks for me.
i still suck at life.

a short chat with hen makes me think which one's more like it. two different meaning.

none of them is more preferable, thou.

denial

that thought of looking for another and hopefully better options is really still there.

i don't like uncertainty, but i still can try to live with it. it's THAT feeling that i can't tolerate at all.
it's rather insulting, don't you think? who the hell do you think you are?

but the most important thing is i'm not sure if the "it" material is there..

a "slight" changes here and there

kok kayaknya banyak yg melenceng dari rencana semula nih, yg tadinya dari 2 minggu bisa2 jadi sebulan. hm... moga2 smuanya lancar2 aja deh biar gak ada kenapa2 disana dan disini juga.

running out of time

at some point now it's still as vague as it was since the first time. everything's still blurred. no sign at all, which means no guarantee at all. maybe that's why the thought of looking for other option's still there. no secure sign in choosing the current option, whereas the other possibility might even be more certain, with plus minus here and there compared with the current. don't wanna make myself think that i'm stuck with this way cos i'm afraid to see other options.

sooner than later

it's going to happen, right? this is exciting! hope everything will be smooth =D

another predictable thing

to put it simple, i've ended all this grudge feeling. well, we ended it together.

i guess it finally reach our limit so this would be a good way out. and already i'm at ease =)

lega. no more faking it. no regrets too i guess.

Golden Pig Year

Gong Xi Fa Cai!!

may this golden piggy year brings even more happiness, luck, health and prosperity to all of us.

worse than expected

i decided to give it a shot tomorrow, for whatever it takes and for whatever it gives. fyi, it's still as dark as it was.

anyway, happy valentine!

not so surprised

i've made plan as a surprise but perhaps it won't be necessary anymore. hampir bisa dipastiin kalo keadaannya gini terus sih bakal suram. but i'm the one choosing to stick as far as we could. or at least as he could cos i know sometimes it was my bad.

can't complain this time cos it was my fault.

it takes a lifetime to know someone

i guess i'll never be able to know or even guess what's on his mind.. leave aside understanding him..

schizilly, should i try your just-kidding-suggestion to comfort myself? can you see how bad this affects me? me, who never used to this kind of stupid ideas but now, out of desperation, really wanna take it into consideration.

sigh.

kok bisa (tahan)?

pertanyaan dari rk pas chatting tadi bukan pertanyaan pertama atau kedua kali yg gue dapet waktu orang2 tau gue pacaran jarak jauh alias long distance.

dan jawaban gue: yah mau gimana lagi, gue coba sabar2in lah.. trying to survive. susah sih.

dan kalo ditanya co gue gimana? dia tipe cuek.

coba gue bisa sebodo amat gitu ya take it easy aja. gue heran apa dia ga kangen atau takut kehilangan gue yah? hehe.. sok berharga banget ya gue. entahlah..

flowers, chocolates, candle-light dinner..

barusan liat2 kalender eh taunya uda feb lagi, berarti imlek taon ini uda deket n that valentine's day, hari yg diworship pere sedunia seperti kata si an, juga bakal muncul bentar lagi.

buat yg pacaran n mesra terus, everyday is valentine's day
buat yg single, either they feel blue for being alone or take it as just another normal day and have fun with friends
buat yg pacaran tapi biasa aja atau ld (pacaran tapi kadang serasa single juga karena jauhan), entah jadinya biasa aja atau malah worse than being single?

tapi ada yg bilang gimanapun keadaannya masih mending punya pacar biarpun ld karena at least you know you have someone out there. really? kayaknya ga bener2 amat deh komen ini. yah tergantung tipe orang2nya pastinya.

ga tau deh kalo buat gue nanti bakal jadi hari yg gue tungguin atau sebelin hehe.. mungkin emang gue aja yg suka expect aneh2. lebih tepatnya expectationnya yg ga tepat ditujukan pada tipe2 orang tertentu jadi ga heran juga kalo ga kesampean.. kalo bilang ga expect jadi ga berharap apa2 sih denial banget tapi kalo terang2an expect pasti lebih sebel lagi kalo it's not in favour.

hm...

getting it ranked

priority scale/rank and opportunity cost

do you still remember these topics on basic economy subject? about choices and the things you have to sacrifice for choosing that over the other. something like that.

your life change as your priority change
and making choice is the hardest part

i got that from our not-so-stupid-but-not-so-responsible-either person from the principal who came here on last weekend. he's an english man with 3 young daughters from his soon-to-be-ex venezuela wife.

besides pushing us about this year's sales target *rolled eyes*, he shared some stories of his personal life. he's know focusing in just his career and daughters and so this changes has change his priority in life. due to this divorce thing, surely his daughter's future would be effected and so he must plan it more carefully. well, i got what he means when he talked about this but i can't explain it clearly. basicly, he just wants the best for his daughters.

as for me, maybe i'm trying to do the impossible, that is putting all things in the same priority rank. trying to put everything equally and do it at the same time, which is very hard.

my mom used to do that. she led her life as a housewife, a mother and a daughter too plus as a businesswoman altogether at the same time. can you imagine how hard it is? only some people could managed to achieve and survive it and i could say that she's one of them. although not perfectly. hey, she's just a normal woman, not wonderwoman! well, basicly you can say that she managed to keep this small business survive until now, takes care of my dad, raised me (although definitely not up to what she might have wished for..), and the most important thing she did a good job in taking care of her mother until the day my grandma died. with plus minus in every aspect, for sure.

so, perhaps it's not that impossible to do, but getting it ranked would be much better and perhaps easier because you could be more focus in fulfilling each of the things.

bla bla bla...

alter ego

if she strays, doesn't mean she doesn't love him anymore
don't get it wrong, but who knows it works magic
and fix things up between her and him
she might get what she's looking for, although not the one she wants
and for him, he surely can have more peace

it's wrong. definitely something against her point of view
and that would make her become one of them she looks down to
but if it could save that like what some has experienced before,
then perhaps it can be considered again
and no one has to know anything this time
except the one to be involved, of course

aahhh.. what has she become to?
hate him who makes her feel miserable
and do things against her will just to get his attention
but perhaps it's useless anyway
and don't think she's able to do that either
no matter how it is, she won't have the heart to do that to him

maybe. just maybe
who knows who someone might become to?

friendship

what started it?
a simple gesture like a smile or hi?
common interest?
needs?

what kind of it are you offering?
friends in need, friends indeed?
friends for life?
friends for the moment?
friends based on situation?
friends in happy times only?
casual passing by "hi and bye" friends?
mutual friends with benefit?

how do you even know which one is which?
you'll be surprised to find out if the ones you thought to be for life are only those who pass by or the other way around.

most important, what makes it last?
what makes you keep it?
common interests?
understanding?
history/memories?
bonds?
common sense?
advantageous?
benefits?
needs?
fun?

mind you, it's all overrated.

orang gak penting

tolong donk jangan samain orang2 sama diri sendiri yg agak2 gimana gitu.

entah dengan maksud bercanda yg konyol atau emang beneran, bisa2nya ngomong ke orang suruh deketin ce karena tuh ce lagi berantem sama cowoknya. please donk. gak semua punya hobi sambilan kali. kalo emang niat mo jodohin beneran juga bukan gitu caranya. pantesan aja aneh bener uda tau punya co tapi tetep aja nyoba2 rupanya karena ada info embel2 kayak gitu.

hohoho kayaknya uda nge-declare gak peduli lagi deh. emang ga peduli sih kalo bukan karena mikirin yg uda lalu sih ga bakal deh ngerasa sayang. tapi kalo emang uda bener2 beda jalan mo gimana lagi. lucu ya gini aja jg rumit.

kok bisa ya?

jadi dewasa atau tetep konyol2an kayak anak kecil dan anggap semua lucu2 aja itu adalah pilihan, kan? seperti untuk menjadi baik atau jelek itu adalah pilihan.

sekarang jadi mikir kok bisa ya dulu sama2? tapi sejauh apapun coba untuk inget tetep aja gak pernah sampe sekonyol itu. jadi mungkin memang tambah dari sananya aja.

siapa gue untuk menilai tapi jujur ada rasa malu terhadap kekonyolan2 yg diperbuat karena kadang jadi terlibat secara tidak langsung hanya karena ada disana.

trust, honesty and communication

trust is earned by being honest and open in which could only happen/shown through the most important part, communication.

i came up with a new thing that wasn't actually new cos it was already there that time, although not being applied in the right way yet. there's no update or whatsoever and it's way off the topics since that time, so seems like i have to just take what i get. and it's kinda vague somehow. i'm just afraid that i misunderstood this and took it the wrong way.

and that fear of catching ugly things on sudden move did exist. i know that doubt shouldn't even be there, but one thing leads to another that leads me to that way.

i do hope this could work.

di ujung tanduk

...................................................................................

uneg-uneg

i can't believe other people can be more honest and open to me. more of "sharing". quite disappointing, actually..

i really can't rely on him, can i? hey, not that i'm clingy or incapable of being independent, but wouldn't it be nice to have someone take care of you sometimes? someone dependable who you can trust yourself with.

it's like what they say about sand. the more you try to get a grab of it, the more you lose it.

i sound desperate, huh? desperately want it to work out that i push it too hard.

from time to time it started to show that perhaps we're not suitable for each other. lots of effort needed by both of us.

btw, my dear ex is getting married soon. i don't know any details of it, though. i just heard it yesterday morning from my mom's friend. talk about scores with w, huh..

when it comes to certain point

suck it in or f*** it off

bagi mereka yg sudah terlanjur basah, yg kedua bukanlah pilihan
bagi mereka yg baru setengah basah, mungkin yg kedua bisa jadi pilihan yg lebih baik

tapi mungkin jg sebaliknya karena kadang ada hal-hal yg membuat dua situasi berbeda itu masing2 justru memilih pilihan yg satunya lagi

new year, new hope, new spirit?

happy new year!

hope it would be a bright year blessed with happiness, health and prosperity to everyone. and less disasters, please..

been doing nothing really important since the last few days of 2006, which i spent the old and new at home, sleeping, instead of going to blowfish. but seriously, no regrets. perhaps i knew that i won't enjoy the crowd that much anymore, that's why going to kapuk island was a better option. but still, you can say that it's sad. well, mom's at megamendung and dad's definitely don't really care that much about this festive season and c wasn't around, so i was that lazy to do anything.

tell you the truth, i suspected myself that i need combantrin (is the spelling correct?) cos i really really was very lazy to do anything. all i did on the last day of 2006 and the first day of 2007 was eat and sleep all day. i meant 2 days. and the last time i took that tablets was perhaps a year ago. and i was always hungry too. well, i know i'm always hungry but this was different.
anyway, still in holiday mood this whole week although things started to resume on the second day of 2007 but lots of people are still on their leave until next week, that would be in 2 days time.

i sincerely hope this new year would bring good things in any kind of relationships i have, especially my friendship with the gitl. so that i can really know and feel the meaning of true girlfriends although i doubted it few times. c always said that if i alredy set my mind on something, it would be difficult to change my thoughts or assumptions and it often makes him upset. i know that people shouldn't make assumptions but sometimes the situations are not good enough to explain anything. or perhaps it does explains the bad perfectly.

people change
love fades
seasons come and go
but friendship last forever

i sincerely hope the last one is true, although i don't like the sound of the first two. things would be much easier if we're still pure, honest and understanding with each other, don't you think?

another thing, i don't know if my relationship with c could be said as an improvement. well, if you compare it with early last year, surely it does. let's just say that we're taking baby steps.

oh, i got this cheesy word of wisdom from yud but perhaps it's right:

don't love with your heart or you'll lose your mind
love with your mind so you can use your heart

interesting. all about love and friendship, eh? that's the lighter topics. things like jobs and life can be too depressive to talk about, so this is better.

be optimist!