seandainya aja ada ujan dolar..

looks like rainy season has arrived. it's been raining everyday since the past few days. first was in bandung and now in jakarta too. i hate it when it's wet outside, especially with the excess water left along the road (baca: genangan air di lobang2 jalanan yg gembel). not even mentioning about the flood it often caused yet.

well, i do like rain sometimes. when i'm dry, safe and comfortable inside, of course. preferably at home so i won't need to step outside after the rain. last time c and i often imagine about us sitting together in a red comfortable sofa, facing a beautiful view or garden through a ceiling-to-floor glass window watching the raindrops while we drink hot chocolate or tea. hm.. the closest we ever get was sitting together at dante's, facing the mall's foyer watching cars dropping off or picking up passengers. wait, perhaps there are few other memories related to rain but that was the closest one to our funny-romantic imagination. haha...

hate it but need it. well, not literally

this isn't the first time i'm grudging about this here but heck it, so i'll know how i loathe this with all my heart. it even occurs to me the mean thought of whether having it or not having it is better. well, obviously the first one is a better option. just for the sake of having it is nicer to hear and definitely a better statement. hey, we live in a cliched word, don't you know that? perhaps i'd really regret it with all my heart when i lose it, but for now it's like this. i'm a darn stubborn person. as i said, seems that things just don't support me to change and act the other way. hope on the day i die i would die in peace and not because of some cancer or anything malignant caused by my own stubbornness.

blah.

is it just me having pms or things are just really wrong?

i really don't like and certainly don't appreciate what i have now.. i know i shouldn't but seems everything that happen around me suggest me to think the other way. instead of starting to appreciate things, i keep complaining. the worst is, i realize that instead of getting softer (er.. maksudnya lebih lembut), i become more stubborn. tsk.

about friendship, the thought crossed my mind that perhaps i don't enjoy my circle of friends anymore cos there's no longer comfortable feeling when i'm with them. sometimes though, when some of them starts to be "funny" and not appropriate. don't take me wrong, i never say anyone's perfect. i love my friends but seems that we don't really connect with each other anymore like we used to. it's like we're not fit for each other anymore. well, at least it still does for some of us. it seems that the older we are the more we see the world and things, which means more life experiences we get and sometimes that could change someone's personality. to tell the truth, we all became more selfish. we all really do.

well, what do you know? people does change, but it is said that everyone is different, rite? so perhaps we all just need to adapt and get used to the new each of us. i'm sure beside me trying to get use to their funny things, they are trying to get use to my bad temper too. i think it's a bit sad to just trash the friendship we had had since junior high, isn't it? especially when you think that these friends are worthed cos they are friends for life, not just some hi-and-bye friends that pass by our life without meaning.

banana republic

does a bad start always lead to a bad ending too? i really hope it's not. and what's now is not an ending, it's the process to make things work. i hope.

i'm writing this at the time when i feel really pessimistic about it. that's now. i started to have doubts and i'm really scared if he's gonna be like him. that i would be like her who has to fight or do things herself to get what she wants. i don't want to be the one who initiate things. wouldn't it be nice to have someone who can take care a thing or two for you? wouldn't it be nice to be pampered? for example about me planning to go to bdg this holiday. watch it, this isn't about being independent. this just makes me upset everytime i think about it.

actually i started to have this feeling since the second last week before he went there. and i've been thinking about it. perhaps i'm the one who can't understand and over-reacting, well, that would be way better, but what if it's just as bad as i thought?

as usual, i'm always stuck between two choices. this time is whether to be positive or negative. plin-plan.

n said that i'm the one pushing him since the first place. you know what i feel like when she said that? smacking her face with a bucket. who the hell she thinks she is? well, i know this is my stupidity for sharing things like this with her again. should've keep a mental note to myself that she's not the one i should talk to about this kind of thing. even about my job cos it's proven that she can't keep her mouth shut and blabs to other people about things that shouldn't be discussed at all. i had to tell her that time because something came up.

nin said she actually never agree on this, even until now. and she's upset about me not updating her when it finally change because she knew about this since the very first time. she's the first one who knew about it and she kept pointing me that it's a no-no since then.

i don't know what i should do know to calm my mind about this. n gave me a crazy idea, "gimana kalo loe sambil jalanin sambil cari2 yg lain juga? boleh gak gitu?"

GUBRAK!! first of all, i'm afraid of karma, what goes around might comes around. secondly, i do have feeling for him so it won't be as easy to do that to him, although i don't know how about him. and thirdly, i'm not seeing this thing as something for fun. never. i'm not a player.

btw, about the title. i just heard it from a talkshow on tv. i just knew that the meaning of banana republic is a country that's unstable due to changes that happen quite often. katanya pisang tuh cepet berbuah trus tau2 uda mateng trus mulai berbuah lagi. kira2 gitu de binun soalnya tadi cuma dengerin sekilas hehe.

so much for a boring and unpleasant holiday. blah.

jangan terlalu banyak menuntut

gimana caranya nempelin kalimat itu dalam otak dan pikiran kita supaya selalu inget yah? uda kayak bad cycle yg selalu repeating gitu.. haiyah.. mungkin emang gue orangnya bener2 keras banget sampe susah banget making myself in satisfied mode about certain things. well, maybe lots of things hehe.. hey, i'm just a human being kan :p

wise words

if you can't say anything nice about someone, don't say anything.

i got those words from a small book about etiquette guide, a bonus from this month's cosmo mag. this should be a very useful tip.

small getaway

i'm going to sg with nin and n on thursday morning and then followed by el in the evening. not sure yet for how long, depends on whether i'm going to penang or not.

hope we'll all have a great time together. hope everything will go well.

pure mind and soul

pernah gak berpikir dan menyayangkan kenapa kita harus tumbuh dan jadi dewasa (baca: adult)? padahal kalo jadi orang dewasa artinya kita jadi punya tanggung jawab, entah terhadap hidup, diri sendiri maupun orang lain. pernah gak berpikir kalo menjadi dewasa itu sangat rumit? tapi jadi orang gede memang pasti lebih enak dibanding jadi anak kecil sih. inget gak dulu waktu masih kecil rasanya pengen cepet gede biar boleh naik mainan di dufan yg ada batas minimum umur atau tinggi badan? trus pengen cepet umur 17 biar bisa sweet seventeen-an, trus abis itu pengen cepet umur 21 supaya bisa nyoba clubbing, dll. tapi buktinya gitu uda mulai kepada 2 rasanya uda mulai takut cepet tua. lahir-dewasa-tua-mati. that's the cycle of life dan semuanya mesti dilewatin satu2.

dan soal kedewasaan, gak salah kan kalo dibilang menjadi dewasa itu harus dilengkapi dengan sikap dewasa (baca: mature) juga? itu yang menurut gue susah. kadang menjadi dewasa secara umur dan fisik belum tentu berarti dewasa dalam cara berpikir, sikap atau kelakuan. dan gak semua anak kecil kekanak2an juga sih karena ada juga anak kecil yg dewasa sikapnya karena bisa mengerti orang lain. mungkin bener ada yg bilang menjadi dewasa adalah pilihan. tapi yg mau gue ngomongin sekarang bukan tentang ngebedain antara being an adult and act like one.

entah kenapa belakangan ini kalo lagi mikirin tentang my so-called life, as usual-meratapi, dan berpikir tentang friendship, gue ngeliat dan ngerasa kalo banyak banget yg berubah dari hal itu. ya iyalah namanya jg people change tapi tetep aja rasanya agak sedih karena perubahannya itu lebih ke arah yg negative. gue ngerasa semakin dewasa (sekali lagi, secara umur) orang jadi semakin egois dan sibuk dengan urusannya masing2. tapi mungkin itu karena tuntutan hidup juga yang membuat orang harus berubah dan menyesuaikan diri dengan lingkungannya, padahal mungkin sebenernya belom tentu mereka mau berubah jadi seperti negatif. tentu donk, siapa sih yg mau berubah jadi lebih jelek? dan tentang gue, karena one thing and another gue belajar jadi lebih egois dan mikirin diri sendiri aja dulu karena ternyata gak perlu buat nempatin orang lain di atas kita. tapi memang it's the nature of human being kan? mungkin bisa dibilang back to basic.

polos, optimis, positive thinking dan selalu ceria karena gak ada yg dipusingin. coba kalo semua orang bisa menjadi dewasa dengan tetep membawa sifat2 yg bagus dari anak kecil seperti itu. mungkin gue perlu soul cleansing nih hehe.