semalem cuma dapet tidur 4 jam padahal siang ini harus ketemu orang. dan belom tidur lagi sampe sekarang karena masih ada yg belum selesai. padahal sepertinya gak penting sih tapi tetep aja mesti dikerjain dulu.

oh, ternyata ikannya beneran ada. lebih tepatnya ikan jelek yg udah basi. hal lain yg bikin gue tambah banyak pikiran dan jadi penyebab gue susah nambah berat (mengingat cara makan gue yg uda lumayan kayak orang barbar) adalah gue masih juga belom dapetin itu sampe hari ini padahal uda lewat batasnya. makin lama gue makin stress kalo kepikiran soal ini.

duh kayaknya gue mau tidur aja deh, besok baru dikerjain. nulis2 santai gini aja uda lemes dan ngantuk, gimana kalo mesti pake mikir? inilah hasil dari tidur cuma 4 jam. dan inilah bukti kalo gue udah tambah tua. dulu sering bergadang sampe pagi dan pernah beberapa kali malah langsung lanjutin hari tanpa tidur sama sekali sampe malemnya lagi dan rasanya biasa2 aja. mesti bener2 mulai merubah cara hidup gue yg gak sehat dan suka nunda2 tar-sok, tar-sok supaya jadi orang yg lurus kalo kata nyokap gue. suka lari adalah tanda pemalas. karena gak mau repot atau pusing ini-itu.

serakah, marah benci, malas dan sombong. kata ajaran agama nyokap gue itu adalah hal2 yg menjauhkan kita dari jodoh dengan hal2 yg baik. maksudnya jadi gak enteng jodoh sama yg bagus2. semoga gue gak pernah punya sifat pertama dan terakhir karena 2 yg di tengah pun sudah cukup jelek dan harus gue buang.

the ultimate question

satu hal yg gue lupa ceritain pas update tentang KL kemaren.

karena ini pernikahan dari salah satu sanak saudara, gak heran kan kalo yg kita kenal dari sederet daftar tamu2nya pasti adalah sanak saudara lainnya juga? dan karena itu adalah suatu acara yg membahagiakan buat seluruh keluarga besar, bisa ketebak gimana jadinya waktu mereka saling ketemu satu sama lain: langsung ngobrol2 mulai dari apa kabar, tinggal dimana, gimana kabar saudara yg ini, yg itu, de el el sampe yg gak penting. dan ujung2nya bener aja, bisa ditebak dari awal, pasti akhirnya keluar juga deh the ultimate question yg ditunggu-tunggu: "kapan?".

well, yg dapet pertanyaan kayak gini sih pastinya orang2 tua yg masih punya stock di kandang yg belom dilepas, contohnya ya bonyok gue. jelas2 ketauan kalo gue masih di dalem kandang soalnya ngintil mereka ke acara kayak gituan dan bukannya malah dateng sama pasangan.

hasilnya? tiap ketemu uncles dan aunties, pertanyaan selanjutnya yg gue dapet setelah basa-basi adalah: kapan?

jadi inget iklan rokok yg temanya enjoy aja. kejadiannya kira2 mirip kayak gitu deh. dan gue sambil senyum juga bilang, "belom, nanti kalo uda tau gue kabarin", tapi sebel juga karena kalo diliat-liat sekeliling gue emang uda pada mulai ninggalin gue.

tapi emangnya ini balapan? tau ah, pucing.

craps

something's not right. or can i say not right, "yet"? it still smells fishy. well, it feels fishy.

and i hate that.

again, wanna run as i usually do but i'm kind of running out of space for it.

and i hate that too.

waitng for something to fall from the sky to settle everything. yeah, a pathetic daydreamers' wish.

ada sedikit sedih juga rasanya hari lewat begitu aja.

happy birthday?

finally went to KL again after years but this time wasn't that excited anymore. it was for kc's wedding in renaissance, and then went to penang to meet the Dato. oh, the PM got married again on last saturday.

met der again for a while and seems he's doing well now. i just realized that he's the only person i still have in contact everytime i went there. wanna meet ker too but too bad he lost her contact already and i forgot to message her on fs before i went there. wanna see that quek too but der hate him now so he don't wanna have any contact with him anymore.

anyway, funny thing since i came back i'm not even sure if it's still the same as before i leave. as usual, stupid things i hate happened and we haven't talk about it since. prefer not to. feels weird like something's not right but i don't wanna push anything cos from my experience all gets worse when i do that.

overrated but high on demand

(i wrote this crap back then when i was in penang early last week.)

know what it is? it's one of those crap things related to romance: the true love thing.
overrated, but said it does happen to those who are lucky enough to have it.

what's all that fuss everyone's been talking about and dying to find one, actually? i don't even know if i belong to that group of lucky people. didn't mean to offend anyone, but that's the inferiority i feel. some describe it as something that brings out the very best of those who found it. sounds great. but maybe i'm not entitled to that sort of privilege. or maybe i do or did lucky enough to have it but that plus point from it seems to just wore off over time. well, i'm a stubborn person so that's not weird. or maybe it does. ok, i'm in denial cos what's yes is yes and what's not is not. anyway, i'm not sure i ever gave that privilege to anyone either so we can just call it even.

bah.

running out of space to run

gue sering banget lari. dari kenyataan, bukan lari dalam arti harafiah yg tentunya kalo beneran bakal bagus buat gue.

kalo diliat ke belakang, kebiasaan jelek ini uda gue lakuin sejak gue masih kecil. sedikit ketemu yg susah2 atau gak enak, udah deh pasti nangis dan gak mau lagi. lari dari kenyataan. kayak sekarang ini gue sering banget pengen lari dan mulai mikir seandainya waktu itu begini, seandainya dulu begitu dan banyak andai2 lain deh yg dijadiin kambing hitam buat keadaan sekarang yg gak seperti yg gue pengen. childish banget ya. dan kayaknya faktor males juga berperan penting sih disini. males menghadapi rintangan, maunya yg gampang2 aja.

gue seperti orang yg gak bisa nerima kenyataan apa adanya ya? atau mungkin lebih tepatnya gak puas? yg mana aja tetep gak tau diri banget rasanya tapi gue yakin kalo gue bukan satu2nya yg bisa disalahin untuk ini.

ughh... ngaco2 apa lagi yg gue tulis disini? pucink.

the L word

no, it doesn't stand for Love nor Lesbian like the tv series.

to be honest, gue quite disappointed sama jawaban yg gue dapet. well, memang pas itu baru ngobrol2nya aja sih tapi tetep aja kata2nya sounds like ini gak ada penting2nya dan emang gak ada tujuan apa2. dan nanti kalo ternyata suatu saat ada baru dipikirin dan diputusin mau gimana. in other words, karena sekarang masih asik2 aja jadi biarin nanti aja kalo mau baru dipikirin. serasa itu soal gampang buat dia, kalo ok ya lanjutin acaranya, kalo gak ya tinggal distopin aja. a few tears dropped silently. sakit bok ampe sekarang juga masih berasa, but i managed to hold up dan malah bisa make a joke out of it and laugh buat nutupin takut kalo malah makin jadi. rada mirip ndin yg bilang kalo dia champion at fake smile tapi mungkin beda situasi dan tujuan hehe. memalukan. pura2 kayak besi padahal cuma porselen.

mungkin seperti yg sering dia bilang sebenernya dia gak bermaksud seperti itu, secara gue sering salah artiin omongannya katanya. mungkin memang gue aja yg over sensi. tapi gimanapun itu kan bukan mainan, setidaknya buat gue. memang ada yg anggep itu penting banget, ada yg biasa aja atau malah ada yg mikir itu sangat gak penting dan cuma jadi beban, seperti kir and his wife di SF.

and i don't know what gonna happen next. capek dan percuma kalo nebak2 dalam ketidakpastian karena bertanya pun belum tentu dapat jawaban. secara yg ditanya juga mungkin belom pernah mikir apa2.

mamma mia

entah orang sini mo bikin aneh2 apa lagi. dari kemaren2 ada iklan audisi buat pemeran mama mia.

jadi pengen nonton shows lagi tapi sayangnya jauh banget. dan mahal. huh.

summer blitz

this year's summer is sure filled with lots of box office movies, eh? kicks off with the spiderman 3 early this month, tomorrow's pirates 3 and then following soon shrek 3, harry potter, fantastic four, ocean's 13, and lots of other non-sequels too. wanna see sandra bullock's premonition too but if it's scary then forget it. better wait for the drama or rom-com movies like meg ryan's in the land of women and jen garner's catch and release. hate it can't watch it while in the states. now have to wait until it comes up here. if it does shown here. hmph..

another talk

eh.. dah lama ga updet tau2 sekarang blogger dah bisa autosave yah. lumayan deh kalo bener jadinya ga mencak2 lagi kalo lagi seru ngetik2 tau2 komputernya hang atau internetnya bego tetep masi bisa diselametin hehe..

anyway, temen ama gue tersayang yg selama ini deket sama nyokap gue passed away juga hari minggu subuh minggu lalu setelah sempet koma pas sabtu pagi, biarpun pas sabtu malamnya si ama uda normal dan bener2 keliatan seger lagi. nenek2 yg uda dianggep kayak pengganti nyokap ma nyokap gue, yg sering dateng main ke rumah buat ngobrol, ngajak nyokap pergi makan atau jalan2, yg tiap taon pas nyokap b'day pasti dateng sama anaknya buat bawa kue and ngajak nyokap pergi makan ini meninggal di umur 91 taon. perjalanan hidup yg panjang ya.

biarpun kematian sepertinya wajar bagi orang2 yg uda tua tapi tetep aja shocking karena baru beberapa hari sebelumnya kita nengokin dia di rumah sakit dan bener2 keliatan fit kayak biasanya. kata anak2nya si ama ini cuma lemah kurang gizi karena uda tua aja. sering diet karena diabetes katanya. tapi ternyata setelah meninggal baru anak2nya cerita ke kita kalo sebenernya ada kanker yg uda ganas di rahimnya si ama. ajaib, kan di umur segitu? tapi beruntung juga lah karena dia didiagnosa penyakit nyeremin itu di umur yg uda bener2 lanjut, jadi dia sendiri juga mungkin gak ngerasain sakitnya terlalu lama. yg hebatnya, si ama ini udah nyiapin semua kebutuhan untuk funeral dia dari sejak taon 94. dari tanah kuburannya, baju2 yg nantinya akan dipakai saat masuk peti, sampe mutiara2nya. well, sepertinya dengan siap2 seperti itu malah jadi jimat untuk bikin panjang umur ya.

anyway, orang yg meninggal di umur segitu dan hidupnya dalam keadaan serba cukup dengan anak2nya yg uda ngasih cucu bahkan uda punya cicit dibilang beruntung oleh orang2. itu sebabnya di ruang rumah dukanya ada aksen merahnya, bukan cuma putih seperti umumnya. ternyata katanya untuk orang yg meninggal di atas 80 taon (kalo gak salah) dan uda punya cucu, dll bisa dibilang "ho mia". jadi selain sedih ada unsur bahagianya juga katanya.

semoga aja nanti kita juga bisa begitu.

shit talk

aunt cis' father died last night. it was just like what my mom told her earlier when we were staying at her house in new jersey, that she should go back to visit her father while he's still alive. well, it's not easy for her to go for a long trip or flight so i can understand that part. i'm not sure about other reasons.

as we get older, the word death becomes more real, don't you think? and it scares the hell out of me. but it's not of my own. it's of the people around me. i've always have this feeling of being left alone, having nobody to care about me anymore. it's an awful feeling. maybe i'm just being paranoid, but it's true. as time passes, it becomes more real. well, it would be real too if you experience it in your tender age but what i mean is that the horrible feeling is more and more shocking from time to time. well, at least i know it would be for me. it's like reality bites. maybe when we're kids, maybe we heard that a's grandpa or b's grandma died. and then 20-30 years later we start to hear e's mom or m's dad died. can't imagine when maybe 40-50 years later we start to hear that a or b died. somehow it feels like counting down to our own time, eh?

born as a little baby, go to study as child and teenager, go to work as an adult, get married, have kids and maybe grandkids if you're lucky, get old and died one day. that's the cycle of life. well, you can consider yourself lucky if you could get through your old days in good health.

people do come and go from our lives. it's just hard to take it literally when it really comes. just hope there'll be no regret about anything.

kc's wedding

i'm going for a trip again sooner than i thought. hopefully there'll be no fuss later when the time comes.

wish me luck for the project we're on now. hope we'll get it. all's well that ends well.
*wishing so hard crossing my fingers*

gue dan pikiran konyol gue

gue pengen ngadopsi anak nih.

kira2 gimana ya reaksi orang2 pas denger gue nyeplos kayak gitu? bisa kebayang pasti ada yg bilang gue sedenk, ada yg langsung ngakak, tapi mungkin juga ada yg gak bereaksi karena mikir palingan gue lagi ngelantur jadi gak penting buat didengerin haha..

tapi serius deh kayaknya punya "mainan" pasti rasanya seneng. maunya sih punya sendiri tapi kan gue belom merit jadi punya orang aja deh hehe

kemaren siang si vie uda ngelahirin jagoan pertamanya di hermina juga, sama kayak ann. tadinya janjian sama si ndin mo nengonkin malem ini tapi akhirnya jadi besok pagi karena dia mesti ke dokter hari ini. lusa malem dia uda mo balik ke melb jadi mesti beresin semua ini-itu secepetnya deh.

tis n tat

ugh... kok gue ingetnya si c umurnya 27 mulu yah? padahal jelas2 gue ndiri yg mark the calender pake tulisan "his 28th b'day". apa karena gue slalu ngukurnya pake umur ndiri yg berasanya cuma beda 2 taon karena beda taonnya emang cuma selisih 2 taon ya?

anyway, heroes emang seru banget! payah, mau beli dvd-nya dari jaman kuda ampe skrg belom beli2.. jadi pengen koleksi hehe

spidey 3 lagi hot2nya nih premiere hari ini. di blitz bandung aja katanya hari ini kejual 3.500 tiket just for today's spidey show. dan dijual advance pula. gimana nasib gue yg mo nonton bareng andin ma temen2nya yg mo nekat go show aja? tsk.. tapi mungkin kalo di tempat2 biasa yg gak terlalu rame sih pasti dapet2 aja kali ya. masalahnya jauh and 3in1 itu yg bikin males dan susah.

blogspot tersayang

for the millionth time i said it, again, time flies. gak nyangka pas liat2 blog ternyata uda setaon ngetik2 yg gak penting di blogspot ini, padahal kayaknya pindah blog kesini aja belom lama. jadi berasa tambah tua lagi deh..

tambah tua? uda pasti. tambah bijaksana? belom tentu.. hehehe

if only

if only all the bad people are as stupid as he is
if only all of them are as "honest" as he is
if only they are as "generous" as he is
if only...

too bad that he is really that slow and the damages are so disadvantaging. hmph..

trying too hard or not hard enough?

that i myself can't answer. different people would see it differently on how much effort you put into something.

waiting for reality to kick in

hate this uncertainty. haven't feel anything big yet but surely it will if it finally gonna really hit this time. or maybe i'm just in denial for the hundreds of times.

little update dari apel gede

tokyo is cancelled, so we extended 2 more days in NY. oh, ndin still stick to the plan so she's leaving tomorrow morning. err.. make that in a few hours.

have to plan perfectly for the appointment in narita with the guy who'll deliver the items we firstly planned to meet in tokyo.. hope it'll work.

i just lost my holiday mood because of that stupid useless one. i'm so, so angry that i feel like swearing, punching and kicking him all at once. can't he do something right for once?? i mean, for god's sake, it's his fucking business too!!! can't he use his brain on this??

aarrgghhh, i'm so pissed off right now!!!

those bastards also crossed the line, but too bad it was that useless one they're always looking for and clearly everyone can see why. i don't care if we won't have any relationship with them in the future, they're no good but all disadvantaging for us anyway.

and for the stupid one, he might do nothing good either except just for the sake that he's exist.

BAH!!!

there are some things i did and said just out of feeling that it's a must. something like "sopan-santun". or maybe "basa-basi" would describe it more perfect.

anyway, in LA now, staying in san's house and have no idea where to go.

pain in the ass

feels like some people are just there being themselves to annoy you or pissed you off. these kind of people brings out the bad in you.

poetic mood

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
George Sand

To love and to be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.
David Viscott

If you would be loved, love and be lovable.
Benjamin Franklin

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare

dekat tapi jauh

pernah gak tiba2 ngerasa orang yg selama ini ada di dekat kita terasa seperti orang asing? waktu kita diam dan melihat rasanya aneh dan tiba2 jadi seperti gak kenal lagi. jadi tiba2 males juga rasanya. agak ilfil. atau mungkin itu memang sisi lain yang belum kita lihat makanya terasa asing? atau mungkin yg selama ini diperlihatkan ke kita memang palsu? jadi tiba2 ilfil.

twisted words or twisted mind?

life still sucks for me.
i still suck at life.

a short chat with hen makes me think which one's more like it. two different meaning.

none of them is more preferable, thou.

denial

that thought of looking for another and hopefully better options is really still there.

i don't like uncertainty, but i still can try to live with it. it's THAT feeling that i can't tolerate at all.
it's rather insulting, don't you think? who the hell do you think you are?

but the most important thing is i'm not sure if the "it" material is there..

a "slight" changes here and there

kok kayaknya banyak yg melenceng dari rencana semula nih, yg tadinya dari 2 minggu bisa2 jadi sebulan. hm... moga2 smuanya lancar2 aja deh biar gak ada kenapa2 disana dan disini juga.

running out of time

at some point now it's still as vague as it was since the first time. everything's still blurred. no sign at all, which means no guarantee at all. maybe that's why the thought of looking for other option's still there. no secure sign in choosing the current option, whereas the other possibility might even be more certain, with plus minus here and there compared with the current. don't wanna make myself think that i'm stuck with this way cos i'm afraid to see other options.

sooner than later

it's going to happen, right? this is exciting! hope everything will be smooth =D

another predictable thing

to put it simple, i've ended all this grudge feeling. well, we ended it together.

i guess it finally reach our limit so this would be a good way out. and already i'm at ease =)

lega. no more faking it. no regrets too i guess.

Golden Pig Year

Gong Xi Fa Cai!!

may this golden piggy year brings even more happiness, luck, health and prosperity to all of us.

worse than expected

i decided to give it a shot tomorrow, for whatever it takes and for whatever it gives. fyi, it's still as dark as it was.

anyway, happy valentine!

not so surprised

i've made plan as a surprise but perhaps it won't be necessary anymore. hampir bisa dipastiin kalo keadaannya gini terus sih bakal suram. but i'm the one choosing to stick as far as we could. or at least as he could cos i know sometimes it was my bad.

can't complain this time cos it was my fault.

it takes a lifetime to know someone

i guess i'll never be able to know or even guess what's on his mind.. leave aside understanding him..

schizilly, should i try your just-kidding-suggestion to comfort myself? can you see how bad this affects me? me, who never used to this kind of stupid ideas but now, out of desperation, really wanna take it into consideration.

sigh.

kok bisa (tahan)?

pertanyaan dari rk pas chatting tadi bukan pertanyaan pertama atau kedua kali yg gue dapet waktu orang2 tau gue pacaran jarak jauh alias long distance.

dan jawaban gue: yah mau gimana lagi, gue coba sabar2in lah.. trying to survive. susah sih.

dan kalo ditanya co gue gimana? dia tipe cuek.

coba gue bisa sebodo amat gitu ya take it easy aja. gue heran apa dia ga kangen atau takut kehilangan gue yah? hehe.. sok berharga banget ya gue. entahlah..

flowers, chocolates, candle-light dinner..

barusan liat2 kalender eh taunya uda feb lagi, berarti imlek taon ini uda deket n that valentine's day, hari yg diworship pere sedunia seperti kata si an, juga bakal muncul bentar lagi.

buat yg pacaran n mesra terus, everyday is valentine's day
buat yg single, either they feel blue for being alone or take it as just another normal day and have fun with friends
buat yg pacaran tapi biasa aja atau ld (pacaran tapi kadang serasa single juga karena jauhan), entah jadinya biasa aja atau malah worse than being single?

tapi ada yg bilang gimanapun keadaannya masih mending punya pacar biarpun ld karena at least you know you have someone out there. really? kayaknya ga bener2 amat deh komen ini. yah tergantung tipe orang2nya pastinya.

ga tau deh kalo buat gue nanti bakal jadi hari yg gue tungguin atau sebelin hehe.. mungkin emang gue aja yg suka expect aneh2. lebih tepatnya expectationnya yg ga tepat ditujukan pada tipe2 orang tertentu jadi ga heran juga kalo ga kesampean.. kalo bilang ga expect jadi ga berharap apa2 sih denial banget tapi kalo terang2an expect pasti lebih sebel lagi kalo it's not in favour.

hm...

getting it ranked

priority scale/rank and opportunity cost

do you still remember these topics on basic economy subject? about choices and the things you have to sacrifice for choosing that over the other. something like that.

your life change as your priority change
and making choice is the hardest part

i got that from our not-so-stupid-but-not-so-responsible-either person from the principal who came here on last weekend. he's an english man with 3 young daughters from his soon-to-be-ex venezuela wife.

besides pushing us about this year's sales target *rolled eyes*, he shared some stories of his personal life. he's know focusing in just his career and daughters and so this changes has change his priority in life. due to this divorce thing, surely his daughter's future would be effected and so he must plan it more carefully. well, i got what he means when he talked about this but i can't explain it clearly. basicly, he just wants the best for his daughters.

as for me, maybe i'm trying to do the impossible, that is putting all things in the same priority rank. trying to put everything equally and do it at the same time, which is very hard.

my mom used to do that. she led her life as a housewife, a mother and a daughter too plus as a businesswoman altogether at the same time. can you imagine how hard it is? only some people could managed to achieve and survive it and i could say that she's one of them. although not perfectly. hey, she's just a normal woman, not wonderwoman! well, basicly you can say that she managed to keep this small business survive until now, takes care of my dad, raised me (although definitely not up to what she might have wished for..), and the most important thing she did a good job in taking care of her mother until the day my grandma died. with plus minus in every aspect, for sure.

so, perhaps it's not that impossible to do, but getting it ranked would be much better and perhaps easier because you could be more focus in fulfilling each of the things.

bla bla bla...

alter ego

if she strays, doesn't mean she doesn't love him anymore
don't get it wrong, but who knows it works magic
and fix things up between her and him
she might get what she's looking for, although not the one she wants
and for him, he surely can have more peace

it's wrong. definitely something against her point of view
and that would make her become one of them she looks down to
but if it could save that like what some has experienced before,
then perhaps it can be considered again
and no one has to know anything this time
except the one to be involved, of course

aahhh.. what has she become to?
hate him who makes her feel miserable
and do things against her will just to get his attention
but perhaps it's useless anyway
and don't think she's able to do that either
no matter how it is, she won't have the heart to do that to him

maybe. just maybe
who knows who someone might become to?

friendship

what started it?
a simple gesture like a smile or hi?
common interest?
needs?

what kind of it are you offering?
friends in need, friends indeed?
friends for life?
friends for the moment?
friends based on situation?
friends in happy times only?
casual passing by "hi and bye" friends?
mutual friends with benefit?

how do you even know which one is which?
you'll be surprised to find out if the ones you thought to be for life are only those who pass by or the other way around.

most important, what makes it last?
what makes you keep it?
common interests?
understanding?
history/memories?
bonds?
common sense?
advantageous?
benefits?
needs?
fun?

mind you, it's all overrated.

orang gak penting

tolong donk jangan samain orang2 sama diri sendiri yg agak2 gimana gitu.

entah dengan maksud bercanda yg konyol atau emang beneran, bisa2nya ngomong ke orang suruh deketin ce karena tuh ce lagi berantem sama cowoknya. please donk. gak semua punya hobi sambilan kali. kalo emang niat mo jodohin beneran juga bukan gitu caranya. pantesan aja aneh bener uda tau punya co tapi tetep aja nyoba2 rupanya karena ada info embel2 kayak gitu.

hohoho kayaknya uda nge-declare gak peduli lagi deh. emang ga peduli sih kalo bukan karena mikirin yg uda lalu sih ga bakal deh ngerasa sayang. tapi kalo emang uda bener2 beda jalan mo gimana lagi. lucu ya gini aja jg rumit.

kok bisa ya?

jadi dewasa atau tetep konyol2an kayak anak kecil dan anggap semua lucu2 aja itu adalah pilihan, kan? seperti untuk menjadi baik atau jelek itu adalah pilihan.

sekarang jadi mikir kok bisa ya dulu sama2? tapi sejauh apapun coba untuk inget tetep aja gak pernah sampe sekonyol itu. jadi mungkin memang tambah dari sananya aja.

siapa gue untuk menilai tapi jujur ada rasa malu terhadap kekonyolan2 yg diperbuat karena kadang jadi terlibat secara tidak langsung hanya karena ada disana.

trust, honesty and communication

trust is earned by being honest and open in which could only happen/shown through the most important part, communication.

i came up with a new thing that wasn't actually new cos it was already there that time, although not being applied in the right way yet. there's no update or whatsoever and it's way off the topics since that time, so seems like i have to just take what i get. and it's kinda vague somehow. i'm just afraid that i misunderstood this and took it the wrong way.

and that fear of catching ugly things on sudden move did exist. i know that doubt shouldn't even be there, but one thing leads to another that leads me to that way.

i do hope this could work.

di ujung tanduk

...................................................................................

uneg-uneg

i can't believe other people can be more honest and open to me. more of "sharing". quite disappointing, actually..

i really can't rely on him, can i? hey, not that i'm clingy or incapable of being independent, but wouldn't it be nice to have someone take care of you sometimes? someone dependable who you can trust yourself with.

it's like what they say about sand. the more you try to get a grab of it, the more you lose it.

i sound desperate, huh? desperately want it to work out that i push it too hard.

from time to time it started to show that perhaps we're not suitable for each other. lots of effort needed by both of us.

btw, my dear ex is getting married soon. i don't know any details of it, though. i just heard it yesterday morning from my mom's friend. talk about scores with w, huh..

when it comes to certain point

suck it in or f*** it off

bagi mereka yg sudah terlanjur basah, yg kedua bukanlah pilihan
bagi mereka yg baru setengah basah, mungkin yg kedua bisa jadi pilihan yg lebih baik

tapi mungkin jg sebaliknya karena kadang ada hal-hal yg membuat dua situasi berbeda itu masing2 justru memilih pilihan yg satunya lagi

new year, new hope, new spirit?

happy new year!

hope it would be a bright year blessed with happiness, health and prosperity to everyone. and less disasters, please..

been doing nothing really important since the last few days of 2006, which i spent the old and new at home, sleeping, instead of going to blowfish. but seriously, no regrets. perhaps i knew that i won't enjoy the crowd that much anymore, that's why going to kapuk island was a better option. but still, you can say that it's sad. well, mom's at megamendung and dad's definitely don't really care that much about this festive season and c wasn't around, so i was that lazy to do anything.

tell you the truth, i suspected myself that i need combantrin (is the spelling correct?) cos i really really was very lazy to do anything. all i did on the last day of 2006 and the first day of 2007 was eat and sleep all day. i meant 2 days. and the last time i took that tablets was perhaps a year ago. and i was always hungry too. well, i know i'm always hungry but this was different.
anyway, still in holiday mood this whole week although things started to resume on the second day of 2007 but lots of people are still on their leave until next week, that would be in 2 days time.

i sincerely hope this new year would bring good things in any kind of relationships i have, especially my friendship with the gitl. so that i can really know and feel the meaning of true girlfriends although i doubted it few times. c always said that if i alredy set my mind on something, it would be difficult to change my thoughts or assumptions and it often makes him upset. i know that people shouldn't make assumptions but sometimes the situations are not good enough to explain anything. or perhaps it does explains the bad perfectly.

people change
love fades
seasons come and go
but friendship last forever

i sincerely hope the last one is true, although i don't like the sound of the first two. things would be much easier if we're still pure, honest and understanding with each other, don't you think?

another thing, i don't know if my relationship with c could be said as an improvement. well, if you compare it with early last year, surely it does. let's just say that we're taking baby steps.

oh, i got this cheesy word of wisdom from yud but perhaps it's right:

don't love with your heart or you'll lose your mind
love with your mind so you can use your heart

interesting. all about love and friendship, eh? that's the lighter topics. things like jobs and life can be too depressive to talk about, so this is better.

be optimist!

stepping forward or backward?

as we grow older we have more things, or better said problems, to think about. don't you agree? from simple daily stuffs to important things that we need to think over and over again to make sure that it's the correct choice we've made.

sometimes we wished that everything were more simple, so that we could just sit back and relax and let things go with the flow and be sure that it all would be ok. sadly, it only happens in dreams. well, at least that's the not-so-sweet reality for some of us.

making choices are difficult, especially ones that concern with our future. not knowing whether it's the correct and the best choice made is something very unpleasant. sometimes we make a decision and convince ourselves to stick with it, but often there are things that just makes us have to rethink about the choices we've made. this situation is definitely not a good progress. i guess we all have the same problem and dilemma.

sensitivity, more or less?

is this really a wrong choice? why does it always have to lead to be like this? who's actually being too sensitive or not sensitive enough? maybe it's me, but you don't need to react like that. or actually was it you? either way, you don't have to show it that way. cos i have enough too.

be nice, and i shall return you the sweetness
treat me nasty, i'll let you taste how bitter i can be

aren't those lines simple enough to be understood?

frequent flyer

this year 2006 is my most active year in terms of the numbers i went travelling, both for business and pleasure. let me try to remember...

mid jan : switzerland for annual meeting thing
end jan - early feb : continue to Beijing to visit a cousin
mid jun : balikpapan for ann's wedding
mid oct : s'pore with n and nin
1st week dec : bali with the usual people
2nd week : s'pore (again) for a neighbour's daughter's wedding and meeting with principal
3rd week : surabaya for a doc's workshop thing

i just came back yesterday early morning.

oh, does short road trip to puncak and bandung counts? if yes, add 3 more to the list. puncak was during 17 agustus-an holiday with w, jaf and c and the gang that time and stayed at his villa. as for bandung, twice. first one was with c, w, h and w's "kucing" on the week after the puncak and second one was on lebaran holiday.

i think that's all for now. just planned to go bandung with c when he goes back but maybe it's not necessary anymore.

btw, el's going to have her b'day (on nov. 30) celebrated this saturday night, dinner at kembang goela. ik said ok to her invitation so she's so happy, excited and looking forward to it. and since i'm her friend, i sincerely hope that guy won't disappoint her, despite of anything else.

i just don't care that much anymore

you're upset with me? i don't care, dear.
unhappy about my attitude? get a mirror, dear.

and don't think that i don't know what you think or feel about me. yes, i know. i'm more sensitive, remember? and i feel the same way about you. but i just don't care that much anymore about stuffs like that. sorry dear, it's just not that important to me anymore.

people change. and i do too.

empty head

sejak pulang dari bali 2 malam yg lalu ampe sekarang rasanya gue belom bener2 balik seperti awal deh. kepala masih setengah melayang ampe rasanya kayak zombie yg orangnya bangun dan bisa gerak tapi otaknya setengah kosong gitu. tapi gue uda nyetir dari hari pas pulang itu loh jadi masih lumayan lah ya tapi kalo disuruh mikir males banget. awas kalo bilang gue biasanya juga males mikir. rasanya gue belom bener2 puas tidur deh abisnya sejak pulang langsung ada aja yg mesti diurusin jadi tidur malem trus pagi2 uda diresein juga.

anyway, jumat ini gue ke sg lagi ma nyokap. half business thing and half pleasure time. anaknya temen nyokap merit disana and sekalian mau meeting sama principal. banyak banget masalah yg mesti diberesin. they sucks now. very very badly sampe merugikan kita banget. tapi semuanya act seperti smartass.

oh ya, i'll update about bali kapan2 deh kalo inget juga..

was it me?

i was asking myself, is it true that they are the ones that change? cos definitely some still get along nicely and even fit each other's silliness. mind you, i'm not referring silly here as in stupidity. it refers to funny, ridiculous things.

so, it occurs to me that perhaps i'm the one who change. could it be that way? perhaps it might be that way. but still, so does everybody else. we're no longer pure and naive. as time passes, the more we see and the more things we go through, the bigger ego we have. we no longer feel as comfortable as we used to with each other. it just feels different. at least i do know when i started to feel differently. i didn't ask for this but it just happened. perhaps no one wants it but it happened anyway.

too bad.

feels like shit

if things go wrong, if shit happens, i might have to cancel this whole bali thing.

things just went wrong as if it's not bad and complicated enough.

how does it feel to be like one? what's it like to be in those shoes? i know i definitely not interested to be one like that *ketok2 jangan sampe deh, touch wood i won't meet anyone like that again ever*, stupid but loud. well, can only be loud only to those they feel superior if compared to. malu dikit donk!!

maybe the word stupid can't describe it precisely. actually not stupid. you can say smart. in a way. but too bad always letting cunning people outsmarted them and became prey of those pigs. that's why the inferior smart could only be applied to close people. to bully them. smart ass.

get what i mean? no? nvm.

btw an, i've got the trouville and my mom got the speedy. still thinking about the sonatine too thou. greedy, eh? nah, i'll get over it.

duren + sop kambing

kombinasi bego buat bikin darah tinggi and panas dalam. seperti yang pernah diceritain sama kambingjantan kayaknya de. sekarang pala gue sakit dari sejak bangun gara2 kemaren makan itu.

soal bali, akhirnya gue and n bakal stay sama nin di tempat cousin dia soalnya si er tiba2 jadi ikut. rusuh kan kalo ampe masuk 1 kamar hotel berenam? bisa gila kali nunggu giliran mandi. belom lagi sumpeknya.

ampe hari ini gue and n masih belom dapet juga. n uda decide to try the pill and i'm still sticking to the other alternative. maunya sih bisa beres sebelomnya atau skalian setelah pulang deh. males banget kalo mau main2 apalagi involve water activities tapi mikirin ginian.

mesti mikirin mau bawain apa buat cousinnya nin nih. gak enak kan kalo tau2 datang trus nginep sana cuma bawa diri.

sigh

confused. lost. blurry. +headache.

by the time i wrote this, i'm not even sure myself if the previous post is still relevant.

not so distant, huh?

dulu pas gue cerita kalo si c bakal pindah ke bdg gara2 ditransfer kerja kesana, temen2 gue langsung pada komen gini, "alahh, jkt-bdg doank sih dekettt, ga bisa dibilang long distance lah. kapan aja loe mau bisa ketemu, malah kalo mau bisa kok dia pulang kerja ke jkt buat dinner ma loe trus pulang bdg lagi." dpkcl jg pernah bilang "distance will make heart grow fonder". sweet, but not completely true. gue tau maksud mereka emang baik biar gue gak gimana2. well, pas awal sih emang gue gak gimana2 tapi kok lama2..

huh.

mana loe an, yk, dll? dulu gue belom komen apa2 uda dibilangin ini-itu, sekarang gue mo komen nih!

bdg-jkt emang deket tapi yg jadi urusan bukan cuma jaraknya doank tu. huh.. buktinya skrg dia tiap minggu ada day off 2 hari berturut-turut juga ga pernah tuh nongol disini. uda gitu kayaknya karena jam kerja dia yg rada sadis dan so pasti bikin cape jadinya boro2 ketemu, ngobrol di telpon aja kayaknya uda jarang tuh. well, kalo telpon sekali2 yg cuma nanya uda makan belom dan sejenisnya sih ada tapi yg bener2 ngobrol uda ga inget kapan terakhir. trus gara2 itu gue ngerasanya jadi jauh aja and gue jadi bete. ngomongnya doank kangen tapi dari minggu lalu ada libur 2 hari dan besok2nya pas masuk shiftnya malem juga gak nongol sama sekali.

gue tau mungkin dia cape karena jam dan waktu kerjanya sejak jadi MOD jadi gak tentu tapi tetep aja.. memang dulu gue yg pernah bilang kalo gimanapun gue bakal ngedukung dia soalnya dari awal interview job ini pun uda dibilang kalo semua kandidat ada kemungkinan dipindahin keluar kota sesuai kebutuhan tapi..

entah kenapa kalo menurut gue dia orang yg terlalu rasional dan sedikit banget pake feeling. memang kalo cowok dibilangnya kan lebh rasio daripada hati tapi ini sih bener2 pelit hati makanya gue suka bilang dia gak ada manis2nya. well, gue tau gak semua co lebih pake rasio dan gak semua ce lebih pake feeling tapi yg ini sih uda bener2 rasio banget. kayaknya semua tindakan bener2 dipikirin bagus jeleknya dulu jadi boro2 do things yg nekat atau dodol2 and go wild, yg spontan aja jarang apalagi yg namanya stupid things you do when you're into someone. gue pernah ngomong ke dia tapi jawaban dia simple dan rada nyebelin, "kan dari awal emang gue apa adanya.."

kartu mati. karena dia uda kayak mengisyaratkan kalo dia emang seperti itu, take it or leave it. what's left there for me to say? kesannya jadi kayak gue yg mesti ngejar2 dia buat dapet perhatian dia. hello, did you notice that i'm a girl? seperti kata el, biarpun kita suka sama co tapi kita jadi ce pengennya dimanjain dan dikejar, bukannya malah ngejar.

well, gue yakin kalo dia jg pasti punya uneg2 soal gue. honestly gue emang pernah kepikir buat reconsider this thing tapi buntut2nya selalu gue lupain dan coba jalanin lagi dengan pikiran mungkin gue yg terlalu banyak menuntut. tapi itu juga ada batasnya dan gue yakin dengan sifat gue yg super jelek dan keras ini gue bisa meledak sewaktu2 dan merusak semuanya. gak tau gimana dengan bom waktu punya dia apa bakal meledak lebih cepet dari punya gue.

jadi model sehari

kemaren akhirnya jadi jg ke studio tempat photo buat majalahnya. btw, nama majalahnya Ice. bisa liat sekilas di

dodolnya tuh gue (dan jj yg jd model satu lagi) bilang ok pas diminta nv tanpa tau ttg majalah ini sama sekali. jadi tuh rada malu2in pas disana gue nanya dengan polosnya ice tu majalah apa si? ga pernah liat.. huhuhu. untung orang2 dari majalahnya punya copynya (pastinya) jadi dikasih ke kita deh buat liat2. btw kita akhirnya cuma berdua karena model yg satu lagi (mungkin model beneran, gak kayak kita yg model asal comot) ga bisa dateng karena sakit.

sekilas info, majalah ini asalnya dari sby sejak 2004 trus ke bdg baru ke jkt kira2 3-4 bulan lalu. yg lucunya, katanya di sby orang2 bisa bayar buat jadi model cover majalah itu! weks.. napsu banget ga si? biarpun pada akhirnya pasti diseleksi dulu. dan buat model artikel dan bagian fashion seperti yg kemaren gue sama jj itu jg bisa apply. buset..

anyway, kemaren lumayan fun, cuma sebelnya gue ga bisa banyak gaya yg dicontohin sama orangnya. maklum deh emang bukan model dan emang gue jarang gerak jadinya kaku kali yah huhuhu. trus yg susahnya lagi biasa gue difoto cuma senyum tanpa gigi, nah kemaren smuanya mesti muka ceria jadi gue mesti ketawa. dan buat gue ketawa keliatan gigi tuh rada susah, yg ada beberapa kali tuh kayak senyum terpaksa alias gak tulus jadi lucunya si cc make up artist, audrey and ibu2 hair stylistnya, ami pada act konyol2 gitu biar gue ketawa pas dijepret haha.. si cc itu ampe julingin matanya biar gue ketawa pas liat dia. bae2 yah hehe. kalo jj sih emang senyumnya perfect jadi ga masalah sama sekali jadi bagus2 potonya dia.

hm.. can't wait to see the results sih tapi sayangnya kita ga akan dikasih fotonya sampe majalahnya terbit. yah, emang itu biasanya peraturan buat majalah kali ya, masa sebelom terbit potonya uda disebar dulu. tapi lucu jg sih kalo potonya dari skrg tapi terbitnya masih nanti apa style fashionnya belom lewat ya?

oh iya, gue sama jj dipotret buat edisi januari nanti. jadi penasaran tapi takut kalo jelek kan malu huhu..

model, anyone?

nv called me out of the blue on last saturday and asked if i'm willing to do it for the magz she worked for, and my first respond was: what? are you dialing the wrong number on you mobile contacts? are you sure it's the right d you're calling? cos my (face) skin is not one that's as smooth as a baby's butt (i know this was embarrassing..)

i think i kind of insulted her intelligence a bit there, didn't i? oh well, i was never one that instantly feel big-headed even if it's something flattering. anyway, after i'm a bit convinced that this isn't really a joke after she explained this and that, i said ok. although still with a bit unease feeling.

fyi, this magz is segmented for teenagers. yes, repeat, teenagers. and it's still new, i guess that's why instead of using pro models, they pick amateurs. maybe not all but 2 out of the 3 for tomorrow is definitely not models, atlhough i admit that jj got the looks.

well, it's tomorrow morning and there has been few sms informing this and that since sunday, so i'd better be there and see how it goes then.

things to do

1. going to bali on 30 nov - 4 dec
2. surabaya on 9 dec for a relative's wedding?
3. must visit penang and then to china with mr. ong

impluse craving

Sonatine

Trouville

Gucci

Gucci

(the one i'm interested in is not in this color. black really makes it look very dull and uninteresting. too bad can't copy pic from the official website so can only show this one)

nvm. i can't afford or make myself bought it anyway..

thought about getting 2nd ones but the price is still high that you'd think you might as well just get the new one from Paris.. or just get the fakes??

partner = controlling department?

met dj this afternoon when i went to Hosei-ji with mom and the new maid. when he gave us a lift home after the afternoon chant, dw called while we were on the way. from the conversations, we could know that she asked him general questions a wive would ask his hubby when it's already off office hour like where and what he's doing now. if you knew my mom, being one of the aunties crowd that sometimes kepo, you'd knew that she will comment on it and it went like this:

mom : wow, you two still sound romantic
dj : hehe it sounds more like controlling department calling
me : mwahaha (hey, it does sound funny, don't you think?)

hm.. makes me wonder if c thought that way if i call him.

well, that's not the first time i heard people talk that way about their bf/gf, spouse or anyone who often call them.

i actually ask dj is it true that men think that women are controlling them when they call them? his smart reply was: it depends on how they ask the guy. if it's just in normal conversation, then it's ok. but if it sounds "hostile", it would make them feel uncomfortable. well, actually not only men cos nin hates it too when ed asks her things.

hm..

quarter pounder chicken

it's the last day of being 24 and i'm the least bit of becoming less stubborn and more mature and my life is still a mess and so on and so forth, so naturally i'm not that excited plus it's the time of the month. i guess bad habits die hard, although i really am not proud of it.

i'm such a grumpier soon-gonna-be-quarter-of-centutry-old, arent't i? perhaps i can just blame it to the time of the month. nah, who am i kidding?

seandainya aja ada ujan dolar..

looks like rainy season has arrived. it's been raining everyday since the past few days. first was in bandung and now in jakarta too. i hate it when it's wet outside, especially with the excess water left along the road (baca: genangan air di lobang2 jalanan yg gembel). not even mentioning about the flood it often caused yet.

well, i do like rain sometimes. when i'm dry, safe and comfortable inside, of course. preferably at home so i won't need to step outside after the rain. last time c and i often imagine about us sitting together in a red comfortable sofa, facing a beautiful view or garden through a ceiling-to-floor glass window watching the raindrops while we drink hot chocolate or tea. hm.. the closest we ever get was sitting together at dante's, facing the mall's foyer watching cars dropping off or picking up passengers. wait, perhaps there are few other memories related to rain but that was the closest one to our funny-romantic imagination. haha...

hate it but need it. well, not literally

this isn't the first time i'm grudging about this here but heck it, so i'll know how i loathe this with all my heart. it even occurs to me the mean thought of whether having it or not having it is better. well, obviously the first one is a better option. just for the sake of having it is nicer to hear and definitely a better statement. hey, we live in a cliched word, don't you know that? perhaps i'd really regret it with all my heart when i lose it, but for now it's like this. i'm a darn stubborn person. as i said, seems that things just don't support me to change and act the other way. hope on the day i die i would die in peace and not because of some cancer or anything malignant caused by my own stubbornness.

blah.

is it just me having pms or things are just really wrong?

i really don't like and certainly don't appreciate what i have now.. i know i shouldn't but seems everything that happen around me suggest me to think the other way. instead of starting to appreciate things, i keep complaining. the worst is, i realize that instead of getting softer (er.. maksudnya lebih lembut), i become more stubborn. tsk.

about friendship, the thought crossed my mind that perhaps i don't enjoy my circle of friends anymore cos there's no longer comfortable feeling when i'm with them. sometimes though, when some of them starts to be "funny" and not appropriate. don't take me wrong, i never say anyone's perfect. i love my friends but seems that we don't really connect with each other anymore like we used to. it's like we're not fit for each other anymore. well, at least it still does for some of us. it seems that the older we are the more we see the world and things, which means more life experiences we get and sometimes that could change someone's personality. to tell the truth, we all became more selfish. we all really do.

well, what do you know? people does change, but it is said that everyone is different, rite? so perhaps we all just need to adapt and get used to the new each of us. i'm sure beside me trying to get use to their funny things, they are trying to get use to my bad temper too. i think it's a bit sad to just trash the friendship we had had since junior high, isn't it? especially when you think that these friends are worthed cos they are friends for life, not just some hi-and-bye friends that pass by our life without meaning.

banana republic

does a bad start always lead to a bad ending too? i really hope it's not. and what's now is not an ending, it's the process to make things work. i hope.

i'm writing this at the time when i feel really pessimistic about it. that's now. i started to have doubts and i'm really scared if he's gonna be like him. that i would be like her who has to fight or do things herself to get what she wants. i don't want to be the one who initiate things. wouldn't it be nice to have someone who can take care a thing or two for you? wouldn't it be nice to be pampered? for example about me planning to go to bdg this holiday. watch it, this isn't about being independent. this just makes me upset everytime i think about it.

actually i started to have this feeling since the second last week before he went there. and i've been thinking about it. perhaps i'm the one who can't understand and over-reacting, well, that would be way better, but what if it's just as bad as i thought?

as usual, i'm always stuck between two choices. this time is whether to be positive or negative. plin-plan.

n said that i'm the one pushing him since the first place. you know what i feel like when she said that? smacking her face with a bucket. who the hell she thinks she is? well, i know this is my stupidity for sharing things like this with her again. should've keep a mental note to myself that she's not the one i should talk to about this kind of thing. even about my job cos it's proven that she can't keep her mouth shut and blabs to other people about things that shouldn't be discussed at all. i had to tell her that time because something came up.

nin said she actually never agree on this, even until now. and she's upset about me not updating her when it finally change because she knew about this since the very first time. she's the first one who knew about it and she kept pointing me that it's a no-no since then.

i don't know what i should do know to calm my mind about this. n gave me a crazy idea, "gimana kalo loe sambil jalanin sambil cari2 yg lain juga? boleh gak gitu?"

GUBRAK!! first of all, i'm afraid of karma, what goes around might comes around. secondly, i do have feeling for him so it won't be as easy to do that to him, although i don't know how about him. and thirdly, i'm not seeing this thing as something for fun. never. i'm not a player.

btw, about the title. i just heard it from a talkshow on tv. i just knew that the meaning of banana republic is a country that's unstable due to changes that happen quite often. katanya pisang tuh cepet berbuah trus tau2 uda mateng trus mulai berbuah lagi. kira2 gitu de binun soalnya tadi cuma dengerin sekilas hehe.

so much for a boring and unpleasant holiday. blah.

jangan terlalu banyak menuntut

gimana caranya nempelin kalimat itu dalam otak dan pikiran kita supaya selalu inget yah? uda kayak bad cycle yg selalu repeating gitu.. haiyah.. mungkin emang gue orangnya bener2 keras banget sampe susah banget making myself in satisfied mode about certain things. well, maybe lots of things hehe.. hey, i'm just a human being kan :p

wise words

if you can't say anything nice about someone, don't say anything.

i got those words from a small book about etiquette guide, a bonus from this month's cosmo mag. this should be a very useful tip.

small getaway

i'm going to sg with nin and n on thursday morning and then followed by el in the evening. not sure yet for how long, depends on whether i'm going to penang or not.

hope we'll all have a great time together. hope everything will go well.

pure mind and soul

pernah gak berpikir dan menyayangkan kenapa kita harus tumbuh dan jadi dewasa (baca: adult)? padahal kalo jadi orang dewasa artinya kita jadi punya tanggung jawab, entah terhadap hidup, diri sendiri maupun orang lain. pernah gak berpikir kalo menjadi dewasa itu sangat rumit? tapi jadi orang gede memang pasti lebih enak dibanding jadi anak kecil sih. inget gak dulu waktu masih kecil rasanya pengen cepet gede biar boleh naik mainan di dufan yg ada batas minimum umur atau tinggi badan? trus pengen cepet umur 17 biar bisa sweet seventeen-an, trus abis itu pengen cepet umur 21 supaya bisa nyoba clubbing, dll. tapi buktinya gitu uda mulai kepada 2 rasanya uda mulai takut cepet tua. lahir-dewasa-tua-mati. that's the cycle of life dan semuanya mesti dilewatin satu2.

dan soal kedewasaan, gak salah kan kalo dibilang menjadi dewasa itu harus dilengkapi dengan sikap dewasa (baca: mature) juga? itu yang menurut gue susah. kadang menjadi dewasa secara umur dan fisik belum tentu berarti dewasa dalam cara berpikir, sikap atau kelakuan. dan gak semua anak kecil kekanak2an juga sih karena ada juga anak kecil yg dewasa sikapnya karena bisa mengerti orang lain. mungkin bener ada yg bilang menjadi dewasa adalah pilihan. tapi yg mau gue ngomongin sekarang bukan tentang ngebedain antara being an adult and act like one.

entah kenapa belakangan ini kalo lagi mikirin tentang my so-called life, as usual-meratapi, dan berpikir tentang friendship, gue ngeliat dan ngerasa kalo banyak banget yg berubah dari hal itu. ya iyalah namanya jg people change tapi tetep aja rasanya agak sedih karena perubahannya itu lebih ke arah yg negative. gue ngerasa semakin dewasa (sekali lagi, secara umur) orang jadi semakin egois dan sibuk dengan urusannya masing2. tapi mungkin itu karena tuntutan hidup juga yang membuat orang harus berubah dan menyesuaikan diri dengan lingkungannya, padahal mungkin sebenernya belom tentu mereka mau berubah jadi seperti negatif. tentu donk, siapa sih yg mau berubah jadi lebih jelek? dan tentang gue, karena one thing and another gue belajar jadi lebih egois dan mikirin diri sendiri aja dulu karena ternyata gak perlu buat nempatin orang lain di atas kita. tapi memang it's the nature of human being kan? mungkin bisa dibilang back to basic.

polos, optimis, positive thinking dan selalu ceria karena gak ada yg dipusingin. coba kalo semua orang bisa menjadi dewasa dengan tetep membawa sifat2 yg bagus dari anak kecil seperti itu. mungkin gue perlu soul cleansing nih hehe.

sok-sial worker

gue bener2 sebel banget sama tuh orang bego sampe kadang rasanya gue pengen nyumpahin atau wish dia gak ada. kalo bukan karena takut karma dan katanya juga kalo orang yg suka marah2 bisa kena kanker pasti uda beneran gue sumpain. emang dasar bego gak punya otak dagang gak becus tapi sok2an bikin kesel sok dagang tapi pake otak sosial (baca: sok sial). mestinya dia join aja tuh UN biar kerja sosial beneran daripada nyusain orang. bener2 gak penting banget tu orang idup. sumpa males banget gue merasa dirugikan cape2 tapi kayak gitu.

BAHHH!!!!!

mr. p

rese juga yah ini orang mentang2 tau dark secrets orang trus jadi sksd trus ngorek2 gak perlu and gak sopan juga. biarpun just a joke tetep aja doesn't sound appropriate diliat dari manapun.. skrg katanya uda punya ce dan uda tobat jadi yah good for him then. moga2.

selfish, or just ignorant?

i tot it was going to be over on that saturday night. it's true that he can be very selfish and inconsiderate about my feeling, that's why i sometimes wonder about this. to be honest, i'm starting to feel a bit tired and hurt being treated that way. considering that i've changed quite better compared to my last relationship, this is quite disappointing.. well, relating to my previous post, i still do the same for this one, but if there's nothing to be hope, what's left in it? anyway, he said he was sorry and he'll try to change. he's learning to change and he ask me to help. hm..

i'm not trying to pick a fight because it's just simple things (i said simple, NOT unimportant!), but since it was me who often get hurt because of it, i have to make things clear for myself.

alternative needed

i'm used to prepare myself for the worst when it comes to certain things. it doesn't mean that i let it be cos i still try what i can do to avoid the worst, but sometimes there are things that perhaps you just already knew the result. and for me, for example, the worst is already here, and since i and the others are already prepared for it for quite sometime, it's not really that shocking anymore, but still it's shocking.

some people refers prepared for the worst as being pessimistic and negative thinking but i think it's not really like that. it's better to prepare for any possible outcomes, good or bad, rather than putting your hopes "setinggi langit dan bintang" only to know later that it's nothing and it makes you more desperate.

beta, beta and beta

i don't even know what the hell is the meaning of beta version of everything, and now i've changed my blog into beta and don't even know what's the different with the usual one. this is because an made a big fuss about it saying about random invitations that not everybody gets one.

well, just try it then. nothing to lose accept for more troubling to login rather than the usual cos i have to use my google account, which in this is my gmail account.

being alone, lonely

gak tau kenapa gue sering merasa kalo gue tuh sendirian padahal sebenernya gak begitu karena gue tinggal sama bonyok dan punya sodara dan teman2 biarpun gak bisa dibilang banyak. kadang gue bisa merasa kalo gue kayaknya sendirian di dunia ini, makanya gue takut banget kalo sampe bonyok gue uda gak ada lagi. gak berani ngebayanginnya ampe rasanya gue rela nuker umur gue sendiri jadi lebih pendek asal mereka lebih panjang umur dan sehat. ada bedanya kan antara sendirian karena memang lagi pengen sendirian sama sendirian karena memang gak ada siapa2 lagi. yah, siapa sih yg gak takut jadi sebatang kara?

kalo kayak sekarang ini bonyok gue lagi nonton tv di luar dan gue lagi duduk di kamar online sambil sekali2 ngeliat keluar jendela yg pemandangan malamnya lumayan bagus karena menghadap ke monas ditambah ada bulan yg biarpun uda ga sebulet dan segede kemaren2 tapi tetep terang. di jalanan masih banyak mobil yg lewat dan kira2 5 menit yg lalu banyak mobil pemadam kebakaran yg jalan menuju kota. entah ada kebakaran dimana. gue merasa gue sendirian karena hal2 di luar sana gak ada yg berhubungan sama gue. bukannya gue sok ignorant tapi memang gak related langsung kan jadi rasanya i'm not part of that things.

memang kadang gue suka being alone, sendirian do my own things or nothing at all. gue bisa kalo misalnya harus makan, nonton di bioskop, atau jalan2 shopping sendirian di mall. in fact, i often did that last time in melb. and i enjoy it. banyak orang yg gak bisa atau gak mau kalo disuruh makan atau nonton sendirian di luar karena katanya kesannya kasian banget. kesannya jadi mereka gak bisa mandiri dan selalu ketergantungan sama temen atau orang lain. well, kalo gue sih sebodo amat kalo emang pas lagi sendirian dan gue laper masak gue harus nungguin ampe ada yg nemenin baru gue bisa makan? bisa mati kelaperan donk gue yg punya maag dan cepet laper gini hehe.

the point is, i do can enjoy being alone. sometimes. karena ada kalanya juga sendirian itu dilakukan bukan karena pilihan tapi karena memang gak ada yg bisa menemani atau orang yg diingankan untuk menemani gak ada saat itu.

kadang gue mikir apa orang yg punya banyak banget temen sampe everywhere they go pasti ada yg dikenal kayak gitu pernah merasa lonely ya? gue jealous sama orang yg supel dan pinter bergaul jadi banyak bgt temennya. tapi kalo sampe orang seperti mereka aja bisa merasa lonely, apalagi gue yg temennya cuma itu2 doank yah. rasa keterikatan akan sesuatu itu bener2 gak enak, jadi seperti ketergantungan. seperti terikat dengan perasaan takut sendirian jadi kalo sendirian rasanya jadi beban yg susah dan sengsara banget.

memang ada bedanya antara sendirian dengan kesepian. seperti yg tadi gue bilang, kita memang gak sendirian tapi kadang merasa kesepian. entah apa yg kurang. kurang kerjaan atau kurang sibuk mungkin? hehe.. orang sibuk pun kadang bisa merasa kesepian juga kan? kayaknya ada kata2 mutiara tentang ini yg bunyinya kira2 bilang gini: being alone doesn't mean lonely. jujur, gue sendiri pernah pake kata2 itu buat menghibur beberapa temen gue yg curhat kalo mereka merasa kesepian padahal mereka lumayan aktif kehidupan kerja dan sosialisasinya. tapi ternyata kadang bisa juga yah not being alone doesn't mean not lonely kalo kita memang bukan ada di lingkungan yg tepat.

bla bla bla.. am i talking another nonsense?

distance makes heart grow fonder

itu kata2 dari dpkcl yg dulu dia dapet dari ex-nya pas gue cerita ttg gue ma c. yg herannya smua orang langsung komen: gpp lah jkt-bdg deket bgt kok. er... padahal gue belom ngomong/complain apa2 loh! haha..

what do u think? ada benernya ada basinya deh pasti. emang si karena jarak jadi bisa bikin kangen jadi tambah sayang tapi bisa jg karena kangen lama2 ga liat orangnya jadinya cari pengganti deh. ada bantahan? percaya deh ma gue, i've seen both sides before and the bad side happens more than the good.

banyak yg nyari sambilan pas lagi ditinggal ma pacarnya atau malah ada jg yg pergi yg justru nyari sambilan dengan alesan buat nemenin di tempat baru. ampun deh.. hari gini kayaknya trust uda krisis banget yah.

well, moga2 gak bakal pernah ada yg kayak gitu sama gue dan orang2 sekitar gue lagi deh. gue sendiri belom pernah dan jangan sampe kena deh. bisa2 jadi gak ada yg percaya lagi sama yg namanya long distance relationship deh padahal actually it's not that bad asal masing2 punya trust dan bisa megang trust yg dikasih itu.

objective or subjective

either my opinion about something or someone is objective or subjective, i have my own reason(s) that maybe other people or even the person himself/herself won't understand.

it's not easy to change people's opinion about someone, especially from the first impression they get when they meet/see the person. needless to say about bad things cos even good things might be less highlighted when they already think about him/her badly. that's why many people try to make a very good impression when they met new people, although the fake masks would worn-off eventually.

sometimes the "was/used to be" plays an important part in this. what i mean was the first impression or what they used to know about the person is important because that's where usually people start to judge/compare. for example, if someone change from bad to good, there's a big chance that people might still doubt the new-and-changed him/her because what they knew from experience was he/she was bad, so it's not that easy for people to accept and trust that person. on the other side, if someone change from good to bad, they would feel that it's too bad that he/she become a bad person because that he/she was a good person.

i personally often doubt that people could change from bad to good because surely the other way around is more likely to happen. i'm not judging that it's impossible because i still think that it could happend.

confused? nvm, this is just something that crossed my mind when the topic came out earlier.

finding polaris or just give me a damn map

gue kadang bisa jadi orang yang sangat keras. keras hati dan keras kepala. gue sadar tentang hal itu. it's not something good and definitely not something to be proud of cos sometimes it might backfire. well, it did happened before. gue suka nantang sesuatu yg gak seharusnya gue pertaruhkan sama sekali karena mungkin aja bisa terjadi yg gak gue harapkan sama sekali. kadang gue tau apa resiko dari perbuatan nekat gue yang kadang bisa dibilang diluar batas karena keterlaluan dan seenaknya aja tapi tetep aja gue lakuin. entah apakah itu ekspresi perasaan marah karena kemanjaan atau ketidakpuasan terhadap sesuatu. seperti anak kecil yang ngambek kalo ga dapet mainan seperti yang dia mau. yang selalu menuntut dengan keegoisannya tanpa membaca keadaan sekitarnya. yeah, mungkin memang seperti itu. childish.

sebenernya gue sendiri sering gak tau apa yg gue mau. sotong kan? cumi2. blur2 ga jelas atau malah lost? makanya kadang setelah dapet apa yg tadinya gue kira gue mau pun gue suka bingung apa ini bener yg gue mau? dan bisa aja ada rasa gak puas dan mikir harusnya ini lebih dari yg gue kira sebelomnya. bahkan kadang malah bisa bingung kenapa gue mau ini dan sebenernya gue mau ini tuh buat apa sih? mampus kan? mungkin bener kata orang yg pernah bilang kalo gue harus beragama supaya gue punya pegangan hidup untuk berjalan dengan lebih pede, yakin dan mantep. well, gue punya agama dan gue juga berdoa tapi gue tau itu gak cukup cuma begitu.

ahhh... so many mess need to be fixed but not sure where to start. i need someone to point me to the right direction. perhaps someone who knows how to control me.

the mirror has two faces

rasanya gue bisa cepet tua atau malah bisa cepet mati kali ya? gara2nya belakangan ini gue tambah sering marah2 aja alias bete2 gara2 itu orang. mungkin emang dasarnya karena gue uda sebel sama dia jadinya apapun yg dia ngomong atau lakukan pengen gue kritik semuanya. padahal katanya kalo kita gak bisa belajar nerima dan berubah maka kita akan terus berjodoh alias lagi2 ketemunya tipe orang2 yg kita sebelin. katanya sih sifat yg tercermin di orang2 sekitar kita adalah pantulan dari sifat kita sendiri. gimana donk? tapi tetep aja kayaknya gue gak punya sifat sebego itu!

padahal sebelom ini gue jg uda mulai ngerasa gimana tentang 1 hal lainnya. entah gimana kayaknya gue punya rasa gak puas. mungkin emang gue aja yg selalu banyak menuntut alias banyak maunya jadinya selalu merasa unsatisfied dengan apa yg ada. sometimes emang ada hal2 yg menurut gue emang sewajarnya seperti yg gue mau, dan udah gue perhatiin di orang lain juga seperti itu! jadi waktu ternyata hal itu lain di gue kadang gue sewot. apalagi banyak lain2nya deh yg bikin gue tambah geram kalo dipikir atau diinget. apaan seh ini orang kok kayak gitu? bukannya kalo gitu harusnya kayak gini? bahhh.

super ex

pernah denger cerita tentang co/ce yg baru putus trus nyariin mantannya lagi buat curhat alias cari someone to comfort him/her? gue sering. dan sempet kejadian di gue juga kayaknya. ehh.. maksudnya gue yg dicariin loh. kalo gue yg nyari sih belom pernah kayaknya hehe.

entah kenapa kadang ada aja orang2 yg suka seenaknya setelah putus atau mungkin lagi bermasalah aja dengan pacar mereka yg sekarang trus suka nyariin mantannya buat curhat2. kalo emang mantannya itu masih single dan available sih terserah tapi kalo uda punya pacar lagi? gak etis donk! biarpun emang selama setelah putus tetep temenan juga tapi tetep aja ada jaraknya. apalagi menurut gue co sama ce ga bakalan bisa ada yg bisa pure friendship. kalo sering deket2 dan sering jadi temen curhat lama2 feelingnya pasti jalan biarpun sedikit. so, tau diri lah jadi orang, coba tempatin diri loe di posisi pacarnya si mantan. apa loe seneng kalo pacar loe dicari2in atau deket2 sama mantannya? belom lagi kalo ada urusan c l b k antara mereka apa gak bikin tambah rumit? tapi kalo emang ampe orang yg uda punya pacar tapi karena deket2 sama mantan trus bisa clbk lagi pasti ada yg gak beres. entah emang orangnya gatel atau karena hubungan sama pacar sekarang lg ada masalah, tapi gimanapun tetep aja hubungan lagi bermasalah juga gak bisa dijadiin alesan. pokoknya gak bener menurut gue.

mau pake alesan kalo si mantan itu the love of your life? jadi loe ga bisa atau saling ga bisa ngelupain dan gimanapun sama2 masih punya feeling biarpun ngakunya uda move on? then why didn’t you get together again when you two are still available? kenapa harus setelah putus sama yg terakhir baru nyariin si mantan lagi atau malah nungguin si mantan putus dulu baru nyariin padahal sendirinya sekarang uda punya pacar? emangnya pacar yg sekarang itu cuma hiasan buat sambilan ngisi waktu luang loe selama loe nungguin ampe mantan loe single lagi? yg bener aja! go to hell to those kind of people.

orang baik dan orang bodoh

gue sering denger katanya kalo orang jahat makan dari orang baik dan orang baik makan dari atas. maksudnya yang jahat selalu ngambil dari yg baik tapi yang baik pasti dapet balesan/rejeki dari yang di atas alias Tuhan-nya.

kalo menurut gue, orang baik yg selalu bisa dimakan sama orang jahat itu artinya orang bego. fooled you once, shame on them. fooled you twice, shame on you for being stupid!! tapi kadang herannya emang selalu aja ada orang2 bodoh yg selalu menarik orang jahat untuk selalu deket2. yah mungkin karena bisa dibegoin makanya orang jahat jadi seneng deket2. intinya yg deketin orang bego ini pasti biasanya jahat kali ya. yg lebih heran dan ngeselinnya lagi tuh kadang2 si orang bego uda tau dibegoin tapi tetep aja ga menghindar. tetep aja ngebiarin orang jahat jahatin dia. mending kalo kerugiannya cuma kena di dia sendiri, lah kalo orang2 sekitarnya kena jg? apalagi kalo orang2 sekitarnya itu uda mati2an wanti2 dia supaya jangan mau aja percaya dibegoin orang jahat lebih ngeselin lagi kan? i mean, how low can you go? how more stupid can you be? mungkin cara nyadarin orang2 bodoh seperti itu ga bisa pake kata2 tapi beneran mesti dibikin shock dengan sesuatu biar tau rasa jadi kapok.

runaway vacation

kali ini g beneran nulis di word dulu baru dipindahin ke sini gara2nya ada tulisan "scheduled outage bla2" pas mau masukin entry. entah apa artinya karena g males buat cari tau. pokoknya mending cari aman de. bisa masukin saran ke blogspot ga seh tentang autosave draft?

dari kemaren siang gue nyoba booking tiket buat long wiken 17 agustusan minggu depan ke Penang tapi taunya semua flight, i mean semua airline fully booked tanggal 17. semua tujuan pula!! KL, singapore, bali bahkan medan. medan maksudnya jalan alternatif buat ke Penang selain KL. ada yg available 18 ke KL tapi tetep aja return datenya paling cepet tuh 23. sigh.. gila bener emang orang2 indo nih haus liburan. dikit aja ada libur langsung semuanya cabut melarikan diri dari kehidupan sehari-harinya yg bikin stress. gue yg plan mau kesana dari maret aja ampe sekarang ga berangkat2. well, segi positifnya mungkin jakarta bakal lebih ga macet. semoga.

darn it!

sebagus2nya blogspot ternyata lebih bagus livejournal yg bisa autosave draft dari post yg kita tulis. tadi gue lagi nulis blog panjang lebar cerita ini-itu tapi pas sebelom g klik save/publish tau2 laptopnya hang dan gak seperti lj, smua tulisan gue ilank!! bete gue.

masa gue beneran mesti nulis2 di word dulu baru dipindahin ke sini?

hectic life

kebalikan dari hari minggu yg dilewatin gitu aja, dari kemaren sampe skrg dibikin pusing soal embel2 urusan kerjaan yg lama2 setelah diliat2 lagi jadi mikir apa ini worthed the trouble and risks ya?

dikejer2 deadline ga jelas dengan tingkat resiko super tinggi dari orang2 yg entah apa bisa dipertanggungjawabkan. yang pasti terlalu risky buat kita.

this is one of the moments that makes me wish i have a career, working in other company instead of having a small company but have to mati2an and extra careful to survive. well, pardon my english yg lagi butut karena otak gue lagi capek dari kemaren mikirin soal ini.

blah.

whatever

is pamrih the same as expecting? there is still this stupid feeling that difficult to go away. it's that if-u-don't-do-it-then-don't-expect-me-to or if-u-do-that-i'll-do-the-same-too. is that pamrih? well, it applies to both good and bad things

a day of nothing

can't remember when was the last time i stay at home on a weekend. well, not the whole weekend but just today. yes, the whole of today. not even an inch outside the apartment. damn bored..

should've take this spare time to rest but instead i didn't lay a foot on my bed, although it's clear that starting tomorrow it's going to be a busy week. quite chaos, you might say. hope all will be alright.

yk has gone back to his home sweet home n sos in syd. looks like the next reunion might be on the next wedding party.

beyond reasonable doubt

is that the correct term we use in law thing? about someone is still innocent until proven guilty.

anyway, nothing from the above related to this post except for the doubt itself. yeah, i still have this feeling. tried to look inside myself but again it always lead back to the other side. attitudes that i tried to ignore and not making a big fuss about turn out to still affects me somehow. wondering the reasons for doing/not doing things are really as i was told or is there something else, for example not wanting to hurt other party? menjaga perasaan. if that's really it, then it was my feeling that wasn't taken into consideration.

which one do you think is better? not knowing it and be happy in white lies (agak seperti dibodohin) OR knowing things that cause not only relieve but worry too at the same time. which do you prefer?

an intermezzo

one guy with 3-4 girls around him available for him to choose. so he made the decision to choose one. but would that one chosen girl be the one he always think of? would that girl be the one he cares the most? only himself and God know what's inside the guy's head.

reunion, if everything's good

lin n y should be arriving this afternoon but yk is super busy running errands. contacted vie and tom already, just lack of tm and er, whom i can't remember when was my last contact with her.

quite difficult to join the 2 groups together, eh? especially when no one wants to be the eo. well, let's just see how it'll go tomorrow night after the party.

sudoku

gue punya hobi baru yg sebenernya ga guna yaitu main sudoku. lumayan bikin jadi mikir seh tapi yg ada pala jadi puyenk juga lama2 haha.. kemaren si c beli bukunya jadi ya uda deh gue lagi hobi2nya hehe. oiya, akhirnya kemaren gue kesampean juga makan soto mamat di muara karang padahal uda ngidamnya dari bulan lalu kali tuh ampe si c and kendi bosen gue cerewetin mamat mulu katanya haha.. enak sih tapi ga banyak menurut gue jadi yg ada gue makan 2 porsi and 2 nasi juga, that makes me eat as much as kendi!! *pingsan* si kendi aja bengong liat gue rakus gitu katanya hahaha... biarin deh abisnya entah kapan baru gue ketemu itu soto lagi =p

terus... ntar siang ke gading lagi. ada rif and mul yg janjian mau jalan bareng ma kita jadi lumayan seru sih harusnya. yk juga uda disini dan harusnya bisa ketemuan juga kalo pas gue telpon dia ada di rumah. kalo pi, dll kayaknya mending kalo mereka ga nyari gue ga usah nyari soalnya ntar bisa2 rusuh lagi deh.

old fling

that's the first comment that came out from n when i told her that pi is here and i went out with him on tuesday nite. what the? hey, we did talk on the phone and i, regrettably, shared my darkest secrets with him but nothing more than just used-to-be-close-friends-once. he did helped me moving on and cheer me up when i just ended a relationship last time but after that we didn't even contact each other for more than a year. until early this week when he suddenly msg me on fs saying he's back in jkt for good. i think he's looking for me just for companion, nothing more. well, after what happened last time, i don't think he will have any intention other that friendship towards me. he just came back from overseas and so he's looking for friends from everywhere.

a long tiring day

started with waking up from a bad dream that makes me feel bad for a moment, followed with endlessly request about the same thing from many places. definitely for the same target.

had a pair of sore eyes, backache and hungry. but still i'm sitting quietly in front of the screen typing useless things.

in need of a break

v and m: impatience, short-tempered, high-level voice tone, stubborn and judes. this drives dd mad slowly cos as i said dd is ignorant and slow, so v and m need to emphasize on important things for dd to get it.

additional for m: bertele-tele. this drives v and dd mad almost all the time. you don't need to be slow to know that this is annoying.

dd: ignorant, not paying enough attention about things and slow. this drives v and m mad because they have to repeat things again and again to make sure dd got it and so it makes them impatience dan keluarlah high-level tone which makes dd unhappy about that.

can u imagine how people with those characters and attitudes get along with each other? must be a damn great effort, huh? it's darn difficult. bener2 mesti pake usaha dan niat.

note: all these bad characters apply only among themselves. but i'm sure it could effect their attitudes towards other people too sometimes.

another wedding bell

received bet's wedding invitation this morning and it's on the 22nd this month. this is going to be a great reunion if lin, ym and hen are coming. too bad yk wouldn't be able to attend the wedding cos he got his sis' wedding held on the same time. but i hope we can meet up after that cos i don't think the others that come from out of town and overseas would stay long here.

hm... makin banyak aja temen2 gue yg uda merit.

soccer time

italy won 2-0 over germany alias the host!!!

c said that it was on the last 2 min that italy score both goals. wow... see? i've told him that it would be "seru" if the host lost. he said that this time italy played aggressively, more offensive than the usual defensive mode. well, don't really care nor understand soccer but i did love to see italy won. hate it when england and brazil had to pack home..

moms to be

i know that it's impossible but i'm not laughing about it anymore. yes, i started to freak out myself. it never happened before, i mean i never think about it at all, that's why i tot i was silly at first but as time passes it's not that funny anymore.

btw, ann is pregnant already!! wow.. bener2 bibit unggul, eh? another couple that broke the myth that says first time won't get you pregnant. see? her life is really one that very far from complicated but sometimes she denies that.

study - engaged - finish the degree - get merried - pregnant.

then only came the honeymoon. actually, ann and b are in their honeymoon tour now actually. what more can she expect? well, a few years relax before baby time could make it more perfect thou.. ta is also pregnant so yeah, i'm surrounded with preggers. and like an said, when is MY turn?? er.. but that's kinda scary for me now :p

anyway, that's life. people are never satisfied with what they have and they always look for what they don't or can't have in other people who have it.