silence is golden since conversation has run dry.

there are times when silence would be much useful when preserved rather than starting anything. this is definitely applicable for me when dealing with other situation.

ada yg sakit di sekitar dada. sejak bangun tadi pagi masih terasa sampai sekarang. sesak. entah uda yg keberapa kalinya ngerasa kayak gini.
am i really pushing it to the limit?

depressing note

ternyata blog gue bisa bikin orang yg baca jadi ikutan stress loh. hehe makanya blog gue ini gak pernah gue umumin jadi cuma temen2 tertentu yg tau. soalnya isinya ya tumpahan semua omelan, uneg2 dan yg lain2nya yg gak bisa gue keluarin di aslinya. gak mungkin kan gue pasang tampang suram terus ke semua orang kalo gue lagi kesel dan bete setengah mati? jadi ya blog ini lah tempat keluarnya semua darkside gue. my alter ego, maybe? nah, just some sort of my whiny, grumpy and never-feel-satisfied part. hehehe.

a sigh of... denial?

things are definitely still not right. not sure why but seems it's difficult to fix this time. can still feel the tension. maybe both parties start to reach own limits. could this be the sign they have been looking for? a sign that could tip them on what's next.

believe it or not, hope it's not. too tired if have to start things all over again. prefer to just fix and make what's there works.

but still can't understand why this party should always be the first one who brings up things when they're not right so it can be fixed, if it can be fixed. why can't the other party initiate it? so they're not the one who's entitled to the bad party sign? at the lowest time, the thought that this isn't right and that it might never work did occur. that all this time it's all denial.

semalem cuma dapet tidur 4 jam padahal siang ini harus ketemu orang. dan belom tidur lagi sampe sekarang karena masih ada yg belum selesai. padahal sepertinya gak penting sih tapi tetep aja mesti dikerjain dulu.

oh, ternyata ikannya beneran ada. lebih tepatnya ikan jelek yg udah basi. hal lain yg bikin gue tambah banyak pikiran dan jadi penyebab gue susah nambah berat (mengingat cara makan gue yg uda lumayan kayak orang barbar) adalah gue masih juga belom dapetin itu sampe hari ini padahal uda lewat batasnya. makin lama gue makin stress kalo kepikiran soal ini.

duh kayaknya gue mau tidur aja deh, besok baru dikerjain. nulis2 santai gini aja uda lemes dan ngantuk, gimana kalo mesti pake mikir? inilah hasil dari tidur cuma 4 jam. dan inilah bukti kalo gue udah tambah tua. dulu sering bergadang sampe pagi dan pernah beberapa kali malah langsung lanjutin hari tanpa tidur sama sekali sampe malemnya lagi dan rasanya biasa2 aja. mesti bener2 mulai merubah cara hidup gue yg gak sehat dan suka nunda2 tar-sok, tar-sok supaya jadi orang yg lurus kalo kata nyokap gue. suka lari adalah tanda pemalas. karena gak mau repot atau pusing ini-itu.

serakah, marah benci, malas dan sombong. kata ajaran agama nyokap gue itu adalah hal2 yg menjauhkan kita dari jodoh dengan hal2 yg baik. maksudnya jadi gak enteng jodoh sama yg bagus2. semoga gue gak pernah punya sifat pertama dan terakhir karena 2 yg di tengah pun sudah cukup jelek dan harus gue buang.

the ultimate question

satu hal yg gue lupa ceritain pas update tentang KL kemaren.

karena ini pernikahan dari salah satu sanak saudara, gak heran kan kalo yg kita kenal dari sederet daftar tamu2nya pasti adalah sanak saudara lainnya juga? dan karena itu adalah suatu acara yg membahagiakan buat seluruh keluarga besar, bisa ketebak gimana jadinya waktu mereka saling ketemu satu sama lain: langsung ngobrol2 mulai dari apa kabar, tinggal dimana, gimana kabar saudara yg ini, yg itu, de el el sampe yg gak penting. dan ujung2nya bener aja, bisa ditebak dari awal, pasti akhirnya keluar juga deh the ultimate question yg ditunggu-tunggu: "kapan?".

well, yg dapet pertanyaan kayak gini sih pastinya orang2 tua yg masih punya stock di kandang yg belom dilepas, contohnya ya bonyok gue. jelas2 ketauan kalo gue masih di dalem kandang soalnya ngintil mereka ke acara kayak gituan dan bukannya malah dateng sama pasangan.

hasilnya? tiap ketemu uncles dan aunties, pertanyaan selanjutnya yg gue dapet setelah basa-basi adalah: kapan?

jadi inget iklan rokok yg temanya enjoy aja. kejadiannya kira2 mirip kayak gitu deh. dan gue sambil senyum juga bilang, "belom, nanti kalo uda tau gue kabarin", tapi sebel juga karena kalo diliat-liat sekeliling gue emang uda pada mulai ninggalin gue.

tapi emangnya ini balapan? tau ah, pucing.

craps

something's not right. or can i say not right, "yet"? it still smells fishy. well, it feels fishy.

and i hate that.

again, wanna run as i usually do but i'm kind of running out of space for it.

and i hate that too.

waitng for something to fall from the sky to settle everything. yeah, a pathetic daydreamers' wish.

ada sedikit sedih juga rasanya hari lewat begitu aja.

happy birthday?

finally went to KL again after years but this time wasn't that excited anymore. it was for kc's wedding in renaissance, and then went to penang to meet the Dato. oh, the PM got married again on last saturday.

met der again for a while and seems he's doing well now. i just realized that he's the only person i still have in contact everytime i went there. wanna meet ker too but too bad he lost her contact already and i forgot to message her on fs before i went there. wanna see that quek too but der hate him now so he don't wanna have any contact with him anymore.

anyway, funny thing since i came back i'm not even sure if it's still the same as before i leave. as usual, stupid things i hate happened and we haven't talk about it since. prefer not to. feels weird like something's not right but i don't wanna push anything cos from my experience all gets worse when i do that.

overrated but high on demand

(i wrote this crap back then when i was in penang early last week.)

know what it is? it's one of those crap things related to romance: the true love thing.
overrated, but said it does happen to those who are lucky enough to have it.

what's all that fuss everyone's been talking about and dying to find one, actually? i don't even know if i belong to that group of lucky people. didn't mean to offend anyone, but that's the inferiority i feel. some describe it as something that brings out the very best of those who found it. sounds great. but maybe i'm not entitled to that sort of privilege. or maybe i do or did lucky enough to have it but that plus point from it seems to just wore off over time. well, i'm a stubborn person so that's not weird. or maybe it does. ok, i'm in denial cos what's yes is yes and what's not is not. anyway, i'm not sure i ever gave that privilege to anyone either so we can just call it even.

bah.

running out of space to run

gue sering banget lari. dari kenyataan, bukan lari dalam arti harafiah yg tentunya kalo beneran bakal bagus buat gue.

kalo diliat ke belakang, kebiasaan jelek ini uda gue lakuin sejak gue masih kecil. sedikit ketemu yg susah2 atau gak enak, udah deh pasti nangis dan gak mau lagi. lari dari kenyataan. kayak sekarang ini gue sering banget pengen lari dan mulai mikir seandainya waktu itu begini, seandainya dulu begitu dan banyak andai2 lain deh yg dijadiin kambing hitam buat keadaan sekarang yg gak seperti yg gue pengen. childish banget ya. dan kayaknya faktor males juga berperan penting sih disini. males menghadapi rintangan, maunya yg gampang2 aja.

gue seperti orang yg gak bisa nerima kenyataan apa adanya ya? atau mungkin lebih tepatnya gak puas? yg mana aja tetep gak tau diri banget rasanya tapi gue yakin kalo gue bukan satu2nya yg bisa disalahin untuk ini.

ughh... ngaco2 apa lagi yg gue tulis disini? pucink.

the L word

no, it doesn't stand for Love nor Lesbian like the tv series.

to be honest, gue quite disappointed sama jawaban yg gue dapet. well, memang pas itu baru ngobrol2nya aja sih tapi tetep aja kata2nya sounds like ini gak ada penting2nya dan emang gak ada tujuan apa2. dan nanti kalo ternyata suatu saat ada baru dipikirin dan diputusin mau gimana. in other words, karena sekarang masih asik2 aja jadi biarin nanti aja kalo mau baru dipikirin. serasa itu soal gampang buat dia, kalo ok ya lanjutin acaranya, kalo gak ya tinggal distopin aja. a few tears dropped silently. sakit bok ampe sekarang juga masih berasa, but i managed to hold up dan malah bisa make a joke out of it and laugh buat nutupin takut kalo malah makin jadi. rada mirip ndin yg bilang kalo dia champion at fake smile tapi mungkin beda situasi dan tujuan hehe. memalukan. pura2 kayak besi padahal cuma porselen.

mungkin seperti yg sering dia bilang sebenernya dia gak bermaksud seperti itu, secara gue sering salah artiin omongannya katanya. mungkin memang gue aja yg over sensi. tapi gimanapun itu kan bukan mainan, setidaknya buat gue. memang ada yg anggep itu penting banget, ada yg biasa aja atau malah ada yg mikir itu sangat gak penting dan cuma jadi beban, seperti kir and his wife di SF.

and i don't know what gonna happen next. capek dan percuma kalo nebak2 dalam ketidakpastian karena bertanya pun belum tentu dapat jawaban. secara yg ditanya juga mungkin belom pernah mikir apa2.

mamma mia

entah orang sini mo bikin aneh2 apa lagi. dari kemaren2 ada iklan audisi buat pemeran mama mia.

jadi pengen nonton shows lagi tapi sayangnya jauh banget. dan mahal. huh.

summer blitz

this year's summer is sure filled with lots of box office movies, eh? kicks off with the spiderman 3 early this month, tomorrow's pirates 3 and then following soon shrek 3, harry potter, fantastic four, ocean's 13, and lots of other non-sequels too. wanna see sandra bullock's premonition too but if it's scary then forget it. better wait for the drama or rom-com movies like meg ryan's in the land of women and jen garner's catch and release. hate it can't watch it while in the states. now have to wait until it comes up here. if it does shown here. hmph..

another talk

eh.. dah lama ga updet tau2 sekarang blogger dah bisa autosave yah. lumayan deh kalo bener jadinya ga mencak2 lagi kalo lagi seru ngetik2 tau2 komputernya hang atau internetnya bego tetep masi bisa diselametin hehe..

anyway, temen ama gue tersayang yg selama ini deket sama nyokap gue passed away juga hari minggu subuh minggu lalu setelah sempet koma pas sabtu pagi, biarpun pas sabtu malamnya si ama uda normal dan bener2 keliatan seger lagi. nenek2 yg uda dianggep kayak pengganti nyokap ma nyokap gue, yg sering dateng main ke rumah buat ngobrol, ngajak nyokap pergi makan atau jalan2, yg tiap taon pas nyokap b'day pasti dateng sama anaknya buat bawa kue and ngajak nyokap pergi makan ini meninggal di umur 91 taon. perjalanan hidup yg panjang ya.

biarpun kematian sepertinya wajar bagi orang2 yg uda tua tapi tetep aja shocking karena baru beberapa hari sebelumnya kita nengokin dia di rumah sakit dan bener2 keliatan fit kayak biasanya. kata anak2nya si ama ini cuma lemah kurang gizi karena uda tua aja. sering diet karena diabetes katanya. tapi ternyata setelah meninggal baru anak2nya cerita ke kita kalo sebenernya ada kanker yg uda ganas di rahimnya si ama. ajaib, kan di umur segitu? tapi beruntung juga lah karena dia didiagnosa penyakit nyeremin itu di umur yg uda bener2 lanjut, jadi dia sendiri juga mungkin gak ngerasain sakitnya terlalu lama. yg hebatnya, si ama ini udah nyiapin semua kebutuhan untuk funeral dia dari sejak taon 94. dari tanah kuburannya, baju2 yg nantinya akan dipakai saat masuk peti, sampe mutiara2nya. well, sepertinya dengan siap2 seperti itu malah jadi jimat untuk bikin panjang umur ya.

anyway, orang yg meninggal di umur segitu dan hidupnya dalam keadaan serba cukup dengan anak2nya yg uda ngasih cucu bahkan uda punya cicit dibilang beruntung oleh orang2. itu sebabnya di ruang rumah dukanya ada aksen merahnya, bukan cuma putih seperti umumnya. ternyata katanya untuk orang yg meninggal di atas 80 taon (kalo gak salah) dan uda punya cucu, dll bisa dibilang "ho mia". jadi selain sedih ada unsur bahagianya juga katanya.

semoga aja nanti kita juga bisa begitu.

shit talk

aunt cis' father died last night. it was just like what my mom told her earlier when we were staying at her house in new jersey, that she should go back to visit her father while he's still alive. well, it's not easy for her to go for a long trip or flight so i can understand that part. i'm not sure about other reasons.

as we get older, the word death becomes more real, don't you think? and it scares the hell out of me. but it's not of my own. it's of the people around me. i've always have this feeling of being left alone, having nobody to care about me anymore. it's an awful feeling. maybe i'm just being paranoid, but it's true. as time passes, it becomes more real. well, it would be real too if you experience it in your tender age but what i mean is that the horrible feeling is more and more shocking from time to time. well, at least i know it would be for me. it's like reality bites. maybe when we're kids, maybe we heard that a's grandpa or b's grandma died. and then 20-30 years later we start to hear e's mom or m's dad died. can't imagine when maybe 40-50 years later we start to hear that a or b died. somehow it feels like counting down to our own time, eh?

born as a little baby, go to study as child and teenager, go to work as an adult, get married, have kids and maybe grandkids if you're lucky, get old and died one day. that's the cycle of life. well, you can consider yourself lucky if you could get through your old days in good health.

people do come and go from our lives. it's just hard to take it literally when it really comes. just hope there'll be no regret about anything.

kc's wedding

i'm going for a trip again sooner than i thought. hopefully there'll be no fuss later when the time comes.

wish me luck for the project we're on now. hope we'll get it. all's well that ends well.
*wishing so hard crossing my fingers*

gue dan pikiran konyol gue

gue pengen ngadopsi anak nih.

kira2 gimana ya reaksi orang2 pas denger gue nyeplos kayak gitu? bisa kebayang pasti ada yg bilang gue sedenk, ada yg langsung ngakak, tapi mungkin juga ada yg gak bereaksi karena mikir palingan gue lagi ngelantur jadi gak penting buat didengerin haha..

tapi serius deh kayaknya punya "mainan" pasti rasanya seneng. maunya sih punya sendiri tapi kan gue belom merit jadi punya orang aja deh hehe

kemaren siang si vie uda ngelahirin jagoan pertamanya di hermina juga, sama kayak ann. tadinya janjian sama si ndin mo nengonkin malem ini tapi akhirnya jadi besok pagi karena dia mesti ke dokter hari ini. lusa malem dia uda mo balik ke melb jadi mesti beresin semua ini-itu secepetnya deh.

tis n tat

ugh... kok gue ingetnya si c umurnya 27 mulu yah? padahal jelas2 gue ndiri yg mark the calender pake tulisan "his 28th b'day". apa karena gue slalu ngukurnya pake umur ndiri yg berasanya cuma beda 2 taon karena beda taonnya emang cuma selisih 2 taon ya?

anyway, heroes emang seru banget! payah, mau beli dvd-nya dari jaman kuda ampe skrg belom beli2.. jadi pengen koleksi hehe

spidey 3 lagi hot2nya nih premiere hari ini. di blitz bandung aja katanya hari ini kejual 3.500 tiket just for today's spidey show. dan dijual advance pula. gimana nasib gue yg mo nonton bareng andin ma temen2nya yg mo nekat go show aja? tsk.. tapi mungkin kalo di tempat2 biasa yg gak terlalu rame sih pasti dapet2 aja kali ya. masalahnya jauh and 3in1 itu yg bikin males dan susah.

blogspot tersayang

for the millionth time i said it, again, time flies. gak nyangka pas liat2 blog ternyata uda setaon ngetik2 yg gak penting di blogspot ini, padahal kayaknya pindah blog kesini aja belom lama. jadi berasa tambah tua lagi deh..

tambah tua? uda pasti. tambah bijaksana? belom tentu.. hehehe