a small group called family

why do i always lose my temper if it's with her? only about her and only with her. it's like i'm full of anger towards her. i'm tired of hurting each other. not to mention that she's not actually having the time of her life in the past few years..

i have a friend who tries to find comfort from outside cos according to her she doesn't find love at home, but what's the reason for me? she can never stay at home for more than one day. i still can survive a few days but not more than that, maybe it's just a matter of who you got for a company. i have all the warmth, love n care from home but still i'm looking from outside. the only reason i could find is perhaps what i receive is not what i want, at least not the way i want it to be, so i try to find it somewhere else. i know i'm such an ungrateful selfish child if compared in the same thing with my friend but i can't help it myself. i never want it to be like this. there's only 3 member in this family but seems that 3 is too much to handle too. sigh.

quotes here and there

"It takes a lifetime to know someone."
can't remember who said this but i guess it's true.

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. "
William Blake
sounds familiar?

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget. "
Thomas Szasz
hope i belong to the wise one, so i'll learn from the mistake. shame on you if you fool me once but shame on me if you fool me twice.

anything would be ok?

it is the nature of human being to get a grip or just hold on to the next best thing or option available, isn't it? the need to get out of insecure feeling.

constant reminder

i got another one last night but seems as time pass i try to ignore it. i'm living a lie, eh? i know there's more than that, i just know it. i don't know what i want anymore. did i ever know what i want, anyway? again, i'm living in denial nowadays.

mood swing

suddenly feel tired with all of this. wish i can have a more real reason to be mad or break down and cry about it. last night did make it clearer but still it didn't make it feel better. i don't like uncertainty but who's gonna know what could happen next? once again, i know baby steps are needed and does applied here but should there be a limit? i'm actually amazed myself that this could go this far without going anywhere. confused? get in line behind me cos so am i. seems i do care about the person more than i thought i do. the closer i am to people, the more i care about them. that's one of my weaknesses that could and have been taken advantage from by some people and that's the reason for the need of an invisible wall. i'm too self-centred, eh?

but i'm sure i'll get over this messed feeling in a few hour and everything will be normal again. i got a terrible mood swing since yesterday. it is near my time of the month thou. hehe..

life is a roller coaster too

everyone's having their hard time right now. just found out this morning that one of my mom's close friend had to let go of her billiard place. she starts selling things today. hope the wind from the closing door will open another door for all of us because everything happens for a reason.

letting it out

why should she bring out the best in hers in the expense of bringing out the bad in us? it's devastating for people around her. she made us said things we didn't mean to and then regret it afterwards. it's like we're letting it out on her because she annoys us on and on. it's wrong. dead wrong but she's the one who should change before we could change too because we've tried but she always push our limits.

btw, this is not connected to the previous entry about the quote. kinda related but totally different thing. it's not letting myself loose about this.

quote of the day

"It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back."
Mick Jagger

i need a map for my life

i realised i've chosen a wrong path for my life but nothing i can do to go back and fix it now. and sometimes the wrong path i took leads to another wrong decision. i'm lost. maybe not completely lost, since i knew where i screwed up, but i don't know which way to go anymore. i knew since back then that one day i might, no, make it i would, regret it. but look, there's no turning back and no point in looking back and regretting all either cos i'm the one who chose it. there's only one direction to go, to move forward, but still there are intersections along the way and as much as i hate to admit this, maybe i do need guidance. someone or something that can beat my stubborn head.

a stupid wall

i don't really care about other people that much anymore but i do about people who are close to me. the weird thing is somehow i have problem in trusting some of them. sometimes i question their honesty and loyalty. i do have a reason for that. well, i din't mean i completely distrust everyone but sometimes i do afraid to trust them. it's not all coming from myself but also from the people themselves on how they act. i'm afraid to do the same stupidity, foolishly trusting people just to be fooled. isn't it said that the closest people are the ones who can hurt you the most? cos they know you more than other people. i guess i'm just building somekind of wall of protection for myself. i'm tired of having to be cautious thou.. wish i can just let myself loose and be more open. maybe one day my distrust towards certain people might hurt them who care about me. hope it's not the people i really care about.

a cliched world

is it always about the social and economy status? no wonder if the rich are getting richer and the poor stays poor.

it's sad when 2 people can't get together just because they came from 2 different world because people around them, especially the higher status one, would object their togetherness and try everyway to separate them. it is sometimes difficult to cross and adapt to other level that certainly would be very different but is that so important? maybe it is.

he's just not that into you

watched oprah this morning and it's about the book written by a man dedicated for women. it's about guys, sex and relationship. well, basically it's an eye opener, a wake up call for girls out there and maybe for some guys too. can't be too harsh and say only men are evil.

actually this episode is a very old one and i've watched it a bit last time. perhaps from almost 2 years ago. i remember nin was the one who watched it that time and she's the one "lecturing" it all to us. well, that time was kinda click with n and her monkey business. oh, i think she talked about it to me again a few months ago in order to talk me into out of something.

there were lots of young women in the studio that questions their confusing relationship with their man. surely the book could help them get a clearer thought about whether they were really into each other or they were there just for the companionship and maybe sex. doubt means don't. no one like to be kept around as a secret or just someone you can look for anytime you need them and put them aside when you don't feel like their company. but the co-author did say so unless they are to be open since the beginning and tell the other person that you just want to get to know them, so it won't create any misunderstanding that leads to hopeless expectation in any of them. maybe it's true that women stick with their men with the hope that one day they'll change eventually, whereas men stay with the hope that their women will stay the same as they are now, pretty, slim and not asking too much. haha..

is it so hard to find a healthy, loving and committed relationship and to have it too these days?

heart

"bila kamu mencintainya kamu harus mengatakannya. cewek itu butuh kepastian."

kira2 seperti itulah salah satu dialog rahel (nirina) di film Heart yg g tonton tadi. kedengerannya mungkin berlebihan ya? tapi emang bener juga. siapa sih yg suka digantung? ce ataupun co jg pasti ga mau digituin karena yg pasti aja kadang masih bisa menimbulkan keraguan atau kebingungan.

tema filmnya itu kira2 tentang true love yg membutuhkan pengorbanan yg menurut g lumayan menyedihkan.. pengorbanan tulus yg sangat besar demi kebahagiaan orang yg dicintainya karena cinta itu sendiri tidak bisa diraihnya. tapi buat dia itulah cara dia untuk mencintai cinta sejatinya itu. terlalu berlebihan tapi mengharukan. tapi mungkin memang cinta tanpa keegoisan dan pamrih seperti itulah yg bisa disebut cinta sejati. blah.

karma, superstitious n the craps

do you believe in these kind of things?

i do.

what goes around, comes around. how you treat people would reflect on how people treat you. so maybe you can say that people around you are actually the reflections of you. something like that but not always cos there are times when you treat people nicely but still they treat you bad.

maybe that's the reason why sometimes people feel lonely cos no one can understand them.

how about this one?

prayers and wishes

this afternoon i accompanied c to church and the topic was something about ask for anything and you shall get it. would it be that simple? just say your prayers n it all shall be granted. maybe it's true that all prayers are answered but maybe the answer is no.

mimpi

hanyalah bunga tidur. tp mungkinkah itu jg sebuah pertanda untuk mengingatkan kita supaya jangan lengah? ada yg lucu karena kadang mimpi kita bisa berhubungan dengan mimpi orang lain, entah itu yg mirip2 atau malah bener2 sama atau nyambung. seperti pagi ini gue terbangun dalam keadaan mata yg uda rada sembab n setengah sobbing (ini indonya apa sih?). ini karena gue mimpi tentang gue kasar ma nyokap n gue nyesel ampe nangis ampe kebangun sendiri. pas siangannya gue cerita ke si c, eh ternyata kira2 di waktu yg sama dia mimpiin gue nangis jg! tapi karena sebab lain, karena jahatnya dia. hehe binun kan? mungkin kata2 gue tentang gue agak ga percaya sama dia bikin dia bt ampe kebawa mimpi kali ya? seperti yg gue pikirin tentang nyokap gue. kalo tentang c, gue bukan menilai dia negatif atau ga mau percaya dia gitu sih tapi itu lebih karena gue takut untuk percaya dia dan semua omongannya. dalam hal2 tertentu aja sih.

gorgeous dress

i've been eyeing on this ad in the cosmetic department inside Sogo/Metro or wherever they put it for the past few months. no, it's not the perfume. the dress, thank you. maybe i'll get the tailor to make this model but simpler. and by simpler i mean only 1 bow n without the cut on the thigh.

money means happiness. agree/disagree?

money really can't buy happiness, can it? but still it can buy lots of things n so sometimes it could console the loss in other way. much interesting way, actually hehe..

happiness keyword

can anyone define what that word means? i guess it depends on individuals about what they consider as one. some might think that it's about having everything that money can buy (with the money included, of course) and the other might think that living an ordinary life with simplicity is enough for them.

i think it all depends on how you see your life from your point of view. if you feel satisfied and grateful for what you have now, then you would consider your life happy. but if you always feel like you're lack of something, never enough of everything n always chasing things, then i guess you'll get tired eventually instead of feeling happy. we do have to compare ourself with the better one to motivate us but don't overdo it because we have to see what's below us too so that we can be more grateful of what we have.

uh.. i'm a bit sleepy now so pardon me if my wordings are confusing. i know i'm confused when i try to re-read of what i've wrote just now huhuhu..