scary deja vu

belakangan ini ada hal yang bikin gue takut. entah kenapa semakin dilihat rasanya makin terlihat adanya kemiripan seseorang yang gak g suka dalam dirinya. menakutkan.

missed buses

must i push to the limit if u can't just take hints? yg kayaknya uda bukan dengan bisikan lagi tapi dengan teriakan. i'm sure u're not deaf nor blind. u're just ignoring it. berlagak bego. berlagak gila.

i think about it quite often lately. yang ujung-ujungnya berakhir dengan desahan napas yang menyesakkan dan air mata yang maksa mau keluar. the more i think of it, the more sad i become. it seems hopeless.

i don't know what i want anymore. di satu sisi, somehow i feel i must move on if it's still clueless. life goes on while u're busy wasting time. tapi di sisi yg lain i'm too scared to make any decision. takut untuk keluar dari comfort zone denial ini, bahwa semua pasti akan jadi lebih jelas. sejak tahun lalu. dan msh ada yang memberatkan hati dan juga sesuatu yg akan meninggalkan kesan buruk. and the worst part, either way is my lost. nasib sebagai pihak yang lebih lemah memang merugikan.

wish i have the strength and courrage to make a choice. by now u should know already how hard it was to get to this point, which is not far from where we started it. and next stop seems nowhere to be seen. entah kapan nyampenya. kadang rasanya hopeless.

how can u move on if u can't let go?

ignorance is bliss. wish i have it

is it wrong to have different expectations now and then?

people change, and perhaps so do their expectations toward things or other people. things that used to matter a lot could be something unimportant now or the other way around. i've seen that happens. and there are lots of disappointments from where it came from. and you can't really put the blame on anyone.

you can't make someone change into the way you want them to be. so it's not really A's fault if he/she stays the same but B change his/her mind about something A does/doesn't. things that were ok in the beginning might now feel annoying. what's left are only disappointments and regrets in B's heart and mind. and to be honest, i'm very scared about it too. i don't know whether my expectations would stay the same or change while there's possibility that things might stay the way they are.

please don't let me do/say things that would add the list of things i regret..

sometimes i wonder if i've made the right decision about this all this time. just crossing my fingers and wishing very hard that there would be no regrets. now or later.

well, you know how suck i am at making the right choices.

blah.

shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice

i was wondering if you're trying to make me look like a fool in front of that person or not.

maybe you didn't realize that what you did was bad for me. but too bad for you, i'm not someone that naive nor stupid that i could straight away tell that something was not right. and shame on you, i was right.

you could try, or as a matter of fact, you did tried to act stupid in front of me, but you know it won't work so why did you even bother and try? come one, babe. you know it won't be easy to fool me. i'm super sensitive, remember? that i could tell if something's wrong, even if that came from someone totally unimportant to me.

dan gue masih juga bingung kenapa loe masih juga gak bisa belajar untuk lebih terbuka dan jujur. apapun alasan loe, itu bullshit semua buat gue. i appreciate honesty more than caughting you doing ugly stuff myself.

now i do really think that this whole idea going for the trip is a bad thing. it gets worse in the past few days, not sure why. my short temper, her whiny noisy attitude. they don't get along really well anymore. and they won't. should i just call it off?

daripada gak ada yg enjoy dan malah bikin dosa padahal tujuan kesana adalah sesuatu yg seharusnya sacred. haruskah gue tega2in dan biarkan dia pergi sendirian bodoh2?

bah.

words of wisdom

went to the weekly women gathering mom's usually have every wednesday with her religion thing yesterday.

a piece of advise to think about: don't depend your happiness on someone else's hand. you can't expect other people to make you happy. it's you to make yourself happy, not other people. don't make your reason for living is to make someone happy and expect in return that they would make you happy too. you might get lucky but there's a bigger chance that you might get disappointed too.

easier said than done. well, the advise came from a man so it won't be that easy to be applied. i guess they make him as the guest speaker to see guys' point of view.

dapet mimpi jelek lagi pas di s'pore. sigh. entah itu another sign atau emang cuma alam bawah sadar gue yg masih gak bisa lupain. bener2 tamu gak diundang yg seenaknya dateng dengan skenario yg jelek.

going off for a week. hope everything's well and wish me luck for the GSS!! =D

the five people you meet in heaven

sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. you're just passing it on to someone else.

ada kalanya ingin berteriak memaki dengan kata2 yang sangat tajam dan menusuk untuk membalas agar orang tersebut bisa merasakan juga sakitnya. tapi gimanapun kata2 dan perbuatan pasti beda hasilnya.

sampai sekarang topik itu masih sukses membangkitkan rasa marah dan benci yg amat sangat sampai rasanya ingin menyumpah serapah. sayangnya belum tentu ada guna. yg ada bikin karma sendiri karena ngeluarin kata2 buruk.

a little joke

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does NOT BOAST, it is NOT PROUD. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
1 Corinthians 13:4 (i think)

and by joke i mean sindiran halus. hehehe.

i wish there's a mask that could always cover all my flaws. i wish i could be that mask.

sayangnya self control saya sangat payah sehingga topeng pun hanya bisa tahan dipakai sebentar sebelum akhirnya dibuang dan wajah asli pun terlihat.

yah sedikit banyak capek juga rasanya kalo harus bertopeng terus walaupun sebenarnya kadang diperlukan. ada juga yang akhirnya karena terlalu sering memakai topeng untuk menutupi wajah asli akhirnya topeng itu pun menjadi satu dengan dirinya. dan akhirnya jadi bingung sendiri dengan wajah yang sebenarnya seperti apa.

gak jelas yg satu ini tergolong jenis apaan. antik. kalo dibilang ayam pasti tersinggung padahal rasanya ada ciri2nya sedikit banyak.

yah, there goes my mood for bangkok. fun spoiler.

kenapa sih ga bisa mikir lurus aja? ga perlu sampe jauh2 ke ujung kulon tapi melenceng ga jelas. yg harusnya dipikirkan dan terpikirkan malah ga dianggap sama sekali. heran.

dipikir-pikir lucu juga. after 26 years of silence now only they start to fuss about it. they did wait according to the wise old man's word, eh?

after all these years they're afraid of me wanting it now suddenly they think it's time for me to think about it. and so the questions were asked.

hmph.

that question came again from the usually silent one, but in different sentence. i do think that this won't happen if i'm just with myself, got what i mean? would that be a better way? considering and looking at the current situation you guys might just say that the uncertainty is not much different from that. can't differentiate a go or no go situation. clueless. i don't even know how am i suppose to answer them. cos i don't know it myself.

there goes my bad melancholy side, the negative thinker. although you could say that sometimes i have a very darn good sense, that i can just see what's gonna happen even before things started, so it's not totally just negative thoughts.

all in all, insecurity is not a feeling you could ignore and just pretend everything is ok when it's not. it's called denial.

ketika kita berdoa dan meminta sesuatu tetapi tidak dikabulkan, mungkin jawaban dari permintaan tersebut adalah tidak. dan ketika kita menolak untuk membaca bahwa semua signs dari jawaban tersebut adalah tidak, maka kita tidak akan bisa menerimanya dan yg timbul adalah fase denial.

ironis.

obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

interesting.

rumput tetangga pasti keliatan lebih ijo

aneh rasanya bisa iri melihat kedekatan dan keakraban sepasang orang yang bahkan bukan pasangan. melihat bagaimana mereka sangat rukun bercanda dan bahkan bisa manja2an. ga ada berantem2 atau apapun yg rumit. bahkan kadang terlihat lebih "coupley" daripada yg couple beneran.

hmm..

gak kerasa it's already the second half of the time left for the deadline thing. mungkin ternyata gak terlalu efektif karena dari obrolan tadi sepertinya ada missing pieces here and there. yang seharusnya ditetapkan seperti apa pada awalnya akhirnya malah terlupakan dan jadi ga jelas.

i don't know what's best for both parties anymore. i just know this isn't suppose to be like this. too many things in both plus and minus to be taken in consideration. to be honest, i felt the same hopeless, but taking the easy way out is not my preferred choice. and definitely i won't let you take that shortcut either. it's no win-win. i still think that this could happen. it's just that you're the one who should take the lead and make a big step now. it's your turn. i've done what i can under that condition. with such low secure feeling.

can't you understand that i need that more than anything else? can't you see that i'm crying out loud begging for you to give what i need for the sake of all? i need something for me to hold on too. something more real. is that too much too ask? i know it's big but it's not like asking for you to die for me.

maybe i'm in denial. that i actually know already that it might turn out like this. but as the girls was saying about our own problems, it's not that easy to stick to what you've planned as the consequences. we're all afraid of taking the risks. or chances, for those optimist people. and so, pretending it's not the way it is, is easier.

is it a crime or a bad thing if i want him to want the same thing i want? or is it as a new friend said that men don't care about small stuffs? so they are just simply ignorant about those things. if yes, then poor those women who expect their men to be more caring and sensitive. as for my case, seems the more i want it the harder i get it. that young fortune teller did once told me about this. instead of chasing it hardly i should just let things loose a bit and it shall come to me. easier said than done. moreover, time plays a role too here.