what makes ppl stay? what makes ppl leave?

kalo ngeliat orang2 yg keliatannya too good to be true tapi memang that kind of luck does exist rasanya iri dan jadi sedih.

orang bilang mata itu jendela hati dan rasanya memang benar karena semua bisa terlihat dari cara memandang, memperlakukan dan sebagainya yg semuanya menyampaikan atau mungkin sekedar menyiratkan apa yg dirasakan di hati. atau apa yg tidak dirasakan juga bisa tersampaikan.

jangan sampai alasan untuk stay adalah karena stuck. yg walaupun menyedihkan tapi adalah kenyataan yg sangat umum.

fragile, handle with extra care

kalo diliat2 mungkin kita tuh kayak boneka porselen yg dari tampilan luar kayaknya bagus ya? padahal sebenernya sangat rapuh. kalo kesenggol dikit dan jatoh paling dikit kalo gak hancur pasti somplak.

sedih rasanya kalo dipikir2 gak punya dasar yg kuat.
trust - bermasalah karena kurangnya komunikasi dan keterbukaan
communication - bermasalah karena kurangnya keterbukaan
honesty - bermasalah entah karena apa lagi
semuanya lingkaran setan yg saling berhubungan dan seharusnya saling menopang.

sampai sekarang dengan adanya tanggal tetep aja selalu ada hal2 tertentu yg tiba2 muncul sedikit demi sedikit yg menambah keraguan gue. dan mungkin ketakutan gue. dan bukan sesuatu yg mengada-ada. bukan jg cold feet, karena ini sudah ada sejak dulu dan gue pesimis akan selalu ada. not shockingly. mungkin selama ini gue yg selalu denial dan berusaha menipu diri sendiri karena dibutakan oleh rasa. rasa yg sebenernya juga gue gak tau apakah itu nyata juga dari sana atau cuma gue yg sibuk sendiri.

yg pasti, gue gak suka dan gak sudi kalo dibodoh-bodohin. gue gak mau jadi orang terakhir yg tau mengenai hal penting yg seharusnya gue lebih tau daripada orang lain.

for better or for worse. bah

after so long without any update here finally i come again to rant. about the same old f***ing boring things. sigh

i tot it would be a fun and exciting thing to see to but maybe i was wrong. sigh. i'm too upset to even write the whole thing.

nevermind then. sigh

what's wrong with us? what's really going on??
small things became big and bigger things became huge.

my panic alarm seems to be lagging yesterday, or perhaps you can say i was still in denial phase. well, maybe being denial isn't so bad at all. at least it caused lesser pain than crying out until you think you can't breath and you feel a slight pain in your chest from the suffocation.

i thought i could be open and be myself with you. i though you could be someone i could share everything with and support me, no matter if i'm right or wrong. i know i'm not always right, you said it yourself i'm not that stupid that i can't not knowing what i'm doing. sometimes i do know what i do is wrong and i would regret that later on. but i really never thought that someday you would use it and get it back at me by pointing it out as my ugly things.

gak nyangka. sama sekali gak kepikiran kalo semua hal yang dishare, mulai dari curhat, uneg-uneg, marah, sampe yang putus asa, bisa dijadiin bumerang ke diri sendiri untuk menunjukkan kesalahan-kesalahan yg memang sudah ada dan disama-ratakan pula.

i'm sorry if i offended you in anyway, baik yg disengaja ataupun yg cuma asal ngomong tanpa ada maksud lebih dalam tapi ternyata terdengar keterlaluan.

but don't judge me. please don't. you're not in my position so you won't know the real things.
i know i have my bad, but i have my good side too.
jangan sama-ratakan antara 1 hal dengan hal yg lain, ataupun antara 1 orang dengan orang yg lain cuma berdasarkan dari yg loe lihat dan loe dengar. mungkin loe memang banyak melihat dan mendengar tapi itu gak berarti loe melihat dan mendengar semuanya. apalagi kalo loe bisa tau itu adalah karena memang mostly semua itu di-share ke loe tanpa ditutup-tutupi.

that question came again from the usually silent one, but in different sentence. i do think that this won't happen if i'm just with myself, got what i mean? would that be a better way? considering and looking at the current situation you guys might just say that the uncertainty is not much different from that. can't differentiate a go or no go situation. clueless. i don't even know how am i suppose to answer them. cos i don't know it myself.

there goes my bad melancholy side, the negative thinker. although you could say that sometimes i have a very darn good sense, that i can just see what's gonna happen even before things started, so it's not totally just negative thoughts.

all in all, insecurity is not a feeling you could ignore and just pretend everything is ok when it's not. it's called denial.

ketika kita berdoa dan meminta sesuatu tetapi tidak dikabulkan, mungkin jawaban dari permintaan tersebut adalah tidak. dan ketika kita menolak untuk membaca bahwa semua signs dari jawaban tersebut adalah tidak, maka kita tidak akan bisa menerimanya dan yg timbul adalah fase denial.

ironis.

i'm still scared about that thing that it haunted me in my dreams. it's the second time this week. i need to find that secure feeling back. i don't know how but definitely i can't do it by myself.

an unspoken note to you

when i said i can't forget what you did and don't know how to fully trust you again, i really meant it. and i expected you that time to be humble, to lower your ego and calm me down. but instead, you act ignorant and arrogantly said, "jadi gimana donk?". dengan tampang dan nada menantang.

you really don't know how to have a relationship, do you? you really don't know where your position is. after what you did, itu benar2 tidak pada tempatnya. tidak sadar dimana seharusnya menempatkan posisi diri sendiri. dan itu sangat mengecewakan. atau semua itu dilakukan dengan sengaja dengan maksud memancing reaksi selanjutnya dari pihak sini? supaya dapat escape dengan mudahnya? karena situ sebagai pihak bersalah tidak punya nyali untuk melakukannya?

do you really think that no matter what you do i would always stick around? cos you know the reason for me being attached and you make use of that? so you can do whatever you like and think that it's my choice to accept it? if yes, ashamed to admit it myself, you're no gentleman at all. you're just a boy with a giant ego. i hope you do realize that pathetic truth about yourself.

sometimes there are things that just can't be compromised due to the very opposite point of view, so the only way out is for one of them to take a break and let the other get it. i'm sure the favour would be returned.

seperti jalan di jalanan sempit yg cuma ada 1 jalur tapi memang ditujukan untuk bisa 2 arah. kalo ada 2 mobil datang dari 2 arah sama2 maju terus dan akhirnya ketemu di tengah hadap2an apa akhirnya ada yg bisa lewat? pasti salah satu harus ngalah dan mundur supaya akhirnya dua2nya bisa lewat dan sampe di tujuan masing2, kan? and that's what they called taking turns. bukannya malah ngotot ribut di tempat karena uda pasti sia2. yg kayak gini ini yg justru butuh action, bukan adu kerasnya.

so is this a f*cking cue or what? am i just too blind to get the hint and step into denial??

f*cking gut instinct but so f*cking true.

funnily, the main thing felt when i found out wasn't anger. not sure if disappointment was the right one either but surely it's there too. it's more like shocked because it's proven and so f*cking accurate.

just tell me, is there anything more that i just need to find out to verify that all this time my instinct was right and it's not just me imagining it and making it a fuss?? it's crap to alter my mind just to find out the first instrict turns out to be the correct one. trying to make a positive thinking just to find out that the negative one was right in the first place.

we both have our share of mistakes, admit that. i'm not here alone, so the efforts should come from both sides, don't you think? and i'm trying. just not that hard cos i'm still waiting for you to do your share too.

action speaks louder than anything and you've shown me that.

teach me how to be numb so i can get rid or even prevent that too attached thing that eln said to me. she's the smart one usually, but girls are just girls with emotions and feelings that are uncotrollable and technically override everything else.

so much for a feeling. it just makes us more vulnerable and fragile. like some said sarcastically: eat that, sucker! can't believe i had to admit that some of my friends were right.

and now thanks to him i can't get rid of that thing out of my mind. it instantly ruins everything. somehow i felt there's proud in doing it as a revenge. hope he's satisfied. i tried to see it from his side but still i can't accept that excuse cos that bad intention was really there.

sadness, anger, disappointment, hatred, and many more.
those are good reasons for blinding someone and kill the consciousness.

masalah kecil dihilangkan, masalah besar dikecilkan. and so it's said, easier said than done.

another sigh.

Dear God

dear God,
please kindly show us the way.
if it's for what meant to be, then let the path be smooth.
but if it's not, please guide us to ours.

ever watched the movie before? i just did about 2 weeks ago on the tv cable, can't remember whether it's on hbo or starmovies cos i was just killing time switching channels. i don't even know about that movie before, although i've seen some of the actors before. it's about a group of people working in a post office who received hundreds of letters addressed to God from many people with their own frustrations and problems, and finally they figured out that they actually could do something to fulfil those people's wishes.

what could you do for two opposites, such as the sun to the moon or the bright day to the dark night, to be able to in sync at the same time? very contrast and on different interests. they are saying that north poles on the magnets are to be attracting each other with other magnet's south poles, which have to be opposites. but for this it might not work that way. at least tried and proven in certain points.

shit does happen. a lot of times. stupid people with sotoy mind. sigh.

so wanna run right now. to anywhere. but running out of place to run and time too. need to wake up from this. have to. but can't help it.

jodoh, nasib dan takdir

cantik itu relatif tapi jelek itu mutlak. hmm.. tapi sekarang uda banyak bedah plastik sih jadi bisa diakalin biarpun tetep bakal disebut plastic.

begitu juga dengan nasib bisa dirubah tapi takdir emang sudah pasti begitu jalannya.

paling takut kejadian yg namanya salah kawin. ini seumur hidup punya urusan jadi impactnya sudah pasti seumur hidup juga. rusuh, runyam dan ruwet.

cuma bisa berharap semoga orang2 yg berjodoh dengan kita, mau itu orang tua, temen, saudara, pacar, suami atau istri, semuanya adalah jodoh yg baik dan terbaik untuk kita.

everything happens for a reason. but sometimes shit just happen. it does happen sometimes. and with reasons we could never know or understand.

saw the temp last night and was quite shocked that i couldn't say a thing. felt a bit scared. maybe that's the real thing that would be shown if it finally really hit. i've predicted that there must be something behind the things just shown in the surface. too calm and maybe looks ignorant sometimes. bit similar to my old man. ann did told us about testing the water to see if there's any violence might involved. i'm definitely sure it's not for this one. but still, the temp itself shocked me.

i guess i screwed things up again. big time this time. don't know if there's any remedy for it or it's just it.

sigh.

i need a break from this hell before i lose it.
i need a break from the monster.
we need a break from each other, actually.
temporarily or permanently.

i wanna get out of this whole madness.
i NEED to leave this whole life jokes before i went crazy.
somebody please safe me. anybody.
i don't have the power to safe myself out of this mess.
i'm not a supergirl or other super heroes. i need one, instead.
i may look strong outside but i'm not that tough. i'm not.
really, i'm just made of flesh and blood like the rest of us.

the nut house

there are times when i feel like my world is collapsing. no, wait. it's me who could go crash and burn any minute. just wait and see for how much longer i could hang on to this whole life's madness. and there's a darn bad excuse for that.

i've been walking with no clear direction nor destination for the past few years. clueless. sad but true to say that my whole life up to this moment is meaningless. what's the point of all this, anyway? i went through day by day with no satisfaction to life. i do grateful for what i have now, all of them. two parents, a small business that could earn enough money to buy food and pay the bills, a good bf (he prefers to be described as unique and maybe that's more suitable, actually), and some good friends, but still i can't get the aim of the life itself.

each day is filled with routine stuff, the same thing each and everyday. from weeks to months and then years. and none of those contribute a meaningful significant value to the journey. i guess none of those were done from the heart, eh?

again, maybe it's just me. maybe i do need to really hold on to a religion to guide me as they always say?

a sigh of... denial?

things are definitely still not right. not sure why but seems it's difficult to fix this time. can still feel the tension. maybe both parties start to reach own limits. could this be the sign they have been looking for? a sign that could tip them on what's next.

believe it or not, hope it's not. too tired if have to start things all over again. prefer to just fix and make what's there works.

but still can't understand why this party should always be the first one who brings up things when they're not right so it can be fixed, if it can be fixed. why can't the other party initiate it? so they're not the one who's entitled to the bad party sign? at the lowest time, the thought that this isn't right and that it might never work did occur. that all this time it's all denial.

running out of space to run

gue sering banget lari. dari kenyataan, bukan lari dalam arti harafiah yg tentunya kalo beneran bakal bagus buat gue.

kalo diliat ke belakang, kebiasaan jelek ini uda gue lakuin sejak gue masih kecil. sedikit ketemu yg susah2 atau gak enak, udah deh pasti nangis dan gak mau lagi. lari dari kenyataan. kayak sekarang ini gue sering banget pengen lari dan mulai mikir seandainya waktu itu begini, seandainya dulu begitu dan banyak andai2 lain deh yg dijadiin kambing hitam buat keadaan sekarang yg gak seperti yg gue pengen. childish banget ya. dan kayaknya faktor males juga berperan penting sih disini. males menghadapi rintangan, maunya yg gampang2 aja.

gue seperti orang yg gak bisa nerima kenyataan apa adanya ya? atau mungkin lebih tepatnya gak puas? yg mana aja tetep gak tau diri banget rasanya tapi gue yakin kalo gue bukan satu2nya yg bisa disalahin untuk ini.

ughh... ngaco2 apa lagi yg gue tulis disini? pucink.

waiting for reality to kick in

hate this uncertainty. haven't feel anything big yet but surely it will if it finally gonna really hit this time. or maybe i'm just in denial for the hundreds of times.

it takes a lifetime to know someone

i guess i'll never be able to know or even guess what's on his mind.. leave aside understanding him..

schizilly, should i try your just-kidding-suggestion to comfort myself? can you see how bad this affects me? me, who never used to this kind of stupid ideas but now, out of desperation, really wanna take it into consideration.

sigh.