feels like shit

if things go wrong, if shit happens, i might have to cancel this whole bali thing.

things just went wrong as if it's not bad and complicated enough.

how does it feel to be like one? what's it like to be in those shoes? i know i definitely not interested to be one like that *ketok2 jangan sampe deh, touch wood i won't meet anyone like that again ever*, stupid but loud. well, can only be loud only to those they feel superior if compared to. malu dikit donk!!

maybe the word stupid can't describe it precisely. actually not stupid. you can say smart. in a way. but too bad always letting cunning people outsmarted them and became prey of those pigs. that's why the inferior smart could only be applied to close people. to bully them. smart ass.

get what i mean? no? nvm.

btw an, i've got the trouville and my mom got the speedy. still thinking about the sonatine too thou. greedy, eh? nah, i'll get over it.

duren + sop kambing

kombinasi bego buat bikin darah tinggi and panas dalam. seperti yang pernah diceritain sama kambingjantan kayaknya de. sekarang pala gue sakit dari sejak bangun gara2 kemaren makan itu.

soal bali, akhirnya gue and n bakal stay sama nin di tempat cousin dia soalnya si er tiba2 jadi ikut. rusuh kan kalo ampe masuk 1 kamar hotel berenam? bisa gila kali nunggu giliran mandi. belom lagi sumpeknya.

ampe hari ini gue and n masih belom dapet juga. n uda decide to try the pill and i'm still sticking to the other alternative. maunya sih bisa beres sebelomnya atau skalian setelah pulang deh. males banget kalo mau main2 apalagi involve water activities tapi mikirin ginian.

mesti mikirin mau bawain apa buat cousinnya nin nih. gak enak kan kalo tau2 datang trus nginep sana cuma bawa diri.

sigh

confused. lost. blurry. +headache.

by the time i wrote this, i'm not even sure myself if the previous post is still relevant.

not so distant, huh?

dulu pas gue cerita kalo si c bakal pindah ke bdg gara2 ditransfer kerja kesana, temen2 gue langsung pada komen gini, "alahh, jkt-bdg doank sih dekettt, ga bisa dibilang long distance lah. kapan aja loe mau bisa ketemu, malah kalo mau bisa kok dia pulang kerja ke jkt buat dinner ma loe trus pulang bdg lagi." dpkcl jg pernah bilang "distance will make heart grow fonder". sweet, but not completely true. gue tau maksud mereka emang baik biar gue gak gimana2. well, pas awal sih emang gue gak gimana2 tapi kok lama2..

huh.

mana loe an, yk, dll? dulu gue belom komen apa2 uda dibilangin ini-itu, sekarang gue mo komen nih!

bdg-jkt emang deket tapi yg jadi urusan bukan cuma jaraknya doank tu. huh.. buktinya skrg dia tiap minggu ada day off 2 hari berturut-turut juga ga pernah tuh nongol disini. uda gitu kayaknya karena jam kerja dia yg rada sadis dan so pasti bikin cape jadinya boro2 ketemu, ngobrol di telpon aja kayaknya uda jarang tuh. well, kalo telpon sekali2 yg cuma nanya uda makan belom dan sejenisnya sih ada tapi yg bener2 ngobrol uda ga inget kapan terakhir. trus gara2 itu gue ngerasanya jadi jauh aja and gue jadi bete. ngomongnya doank kangen tapi dari minggu lalu ada libur 2 hari dan besok2nya pas masuk shiftnya malem juga gak nongol sama sekali.

gue tau mungkin dia cape karena jam dan waktu kerjanya sejak jadi MOD jadi gak tentu tapi tetep aja.. memang dulu gue yg pernah bilang kalo gimanapun gue bakal ngedukung dia soalnya dari awal interview job ini pun uda dibilang kalo semua kandidat ada kemungkinan dipindahin keluar kota sesuai kebutuhan tapi..

entah kenapa kalo menurut gue dia orang yg terlalu rasional dan sedikit banget pake feeling. memang kalo cowok dibilangnya kan lebh rasio daripada hati tapi ini sih bener2 pelit hati makanya gue suka bilang dia gak ada manis2nya. well, gue tau gak semua co lebih pake rasio dan gak semua ce lebih pake feeling tapi yg ini sih uda bener2 rasio banget. kayaknya semua tindakan bener2 dipikirin bagus jeleknya dulu jadi boro2 do things yg nekat atau dodol2 and go wild, yg spontan aja jarang apalagi yg namanya stupid things you do when you're into someone. gue pernah ngomong ke dia tapi jawaban dia simple dan rada nyebelin, "kan dari awal emang gue apa adanya.."

kartu mati. karena dia uda kayak mengisyaratkan kalo dia emang seperti itu, take it or leave it. what's left there for me to say? kesannya jadi kayak gue yg mesti ngejar2 dia buat dapet perhatian dia. hello, did you notice that i'm a girl? seperti kata el, biarpun kita suka sama co tapi kita jadi ce pengennya dimanjain dan dikejar, bukannya malah ngejar.

well, gue yakin kalo dia jg pasti punya uneg2 soal gue. honestly gue emang pernah kepikir buat reconsider this thing tapi buntut2nya selalu gue lupain dan coba jalanin lagi dengan pikiran mungkin gue yg terlalu banyak menuntut. tapi itu juga ada batasnya dan gue yakin dengan sifat gue yg super jelek dan keras ini gue bisa meledak sewaktu2 dan merusak semuanya. gak tau gimana dengan bom waktu punya dia apa bakal meledak lebih cepet dari punya gue.

jadi model sehari

kemaren akhirnya jadi jg ke studio tempat photo buat majalahnya. btw, nama majalahnya Ice. bisa liat sekilas di

dodolnya tuh gue (dan jj yg jd model satu lagi) bilang ok pas diminta nv tanpa tau ttg majalah ini sama sekali. jadi tuh rada malu2in pas disana gue nanya dengan polosnya ice tu majalah apa si? ga pernah liat.. huhuhu. untung orang2 dari majalahnya punya copynya (pastinya) jadi dikasih ke kita deh buat liat2. btw kita akhirnya cuma berdua karena model yg satu lagi (mungkin model beneran, gak kayak kita yg model asal comot) ga bisa dateng karena sakit.

sekilas info, majalah ini asalnya dari sby sejak 2004 trus ke bdg baru ke jkt kira2 3-4 bulan lalu. yg lucunya, katanya di sby orang2 bisa bayar buat jadi model cover majalah itu! weks.. napsu banget ga si? biarpun pada akhirnya pasti diseleksi dulu. dan buat model artikel dan bagian fashion seperti yg kemaren gue sama jj itu jg bisa apply. buset..

anyway, kemaren lumayan fun, cuma sebelnya gue ga bisa banyak gaya yg dicontohin sama orangnya. maklum deh emang bukan model dan emang gue jarang gerak jadinya kaku kali yah huhuhu. trus yg susahnya lagi biasa gue difoto cuma senyum tanpa gigi, nah kemaren smuanya mesti muka ceria jadi gue mesti ketawa. dan buat gue ketawa keliatan gigi tuh rada susah, yg ada beberapa kali tuh kayak senyum terpaksa alias gak tulus jadi lucunya si cc make up artist, audrey and ibu2 hair stylistnya, ami pada act konyol2 gitu biar gue ketawa pas dijepret haha.. si cc itu ampe julingin matanya biar gue ketawa pas liat dia. bae2 yah hehe. kalo jj sih emang senyumnya perfect jadi ga masalah sama sekali jadi bagus2 potonya dia.

hm.. can't wait to see the results sih tapi sayangnya kita ga akan dikasih fotonya sampe majalahnya terbit. yah, emang itu biasanya peraturan buat majalah kali ya, masa sebelom terbit potonya uda disebar dulu. tapi lucu jg sih kalo potonya dari skrg tapi terbitnya masih nanti apa style fashionnya belom lewat ya?

oh iya, gue sama jj dipotret buat edisi januari nanti. jadi penasaran tapi takut kalo jelek kan malu huhu..

model, anyone?

nv called me out of the blue on last saturday and asked if i'm willing to do it for the magz she worked for, and my first respond was: what? are you dialing the wrong number on you mobile contacts? are you sure it's the right d you're calling? cos my (face) skin is not one that's as smooth as a baby's butt (i know this was embarrassing..)

i think i kind of insulted her intelligence a bit there, didn't i? oh well, i was never one that instantly feel big-headed even if it's something flattering. anyway, after i'm a bit convinced that this isn't really a joke after she explained this and that, i said ok. although still with a bit unease feeling.

fyi, this magz is segmented for teenagers. yes, repeat, teenagers. and it's still new, i guess that's why instead of using pro models, they pick amateurs. maybe not all but 2 out of the 3 for tomorrow is definitely not models, atlhough i admit that jj got the looks.

well, it's tomorrow morning and there has been few sms informing this and that since sunday, so i'd better be there and see how it goes then.

things to do

1. going to bali on 30 nov - 4 dec
2. surabaya on 9 dec for a relative's wedding?
3. must visit penang and then to china with mr. ong

impluse craving

Sonatine

Trouville

Gucci

Gucci

(the one i'm interested in is not in this color. black really makes it look very dull and uninteresting. too bad can't copy pic from the official website so can only show this one)

nvm. i can't afford or make myself bought it anyway..

thought about getting 2nd ones but the price is still high that you'd think you might as well just get the new one from Paris.. or just get the fakes??

partner = controlling department?

met dj this afternoon when i went to Hosei-ji with mom and the new maid. when he gave us a lift home after the afternoon chant, dw called while we were on the way. from the conversations, we could know that she asked him general questions a wive would ask his hubby when it's already off office hour like where and what he's doing now. if you knew my mom, being one of the aunties crowd that sometimes kepo, you'd knew that she will comment on it and it went like this:

mom : wow, you two still sound romantic
dj : hehe it sounds more like controlling department calling
me : mwahaha (hey, it does sound funny, don't you think?)

hm.. makes me wonder if c thought that way if i call him.

well, that's not the first time i heard people talk that way about their bf/gf, spouse or anyone who often call them.

i actually ask dj is it true that men think that women are controlling them when they call them? his smart reply was: it depends on how they ask the guy. if it's just in normal conversation, then it's ok. but if it sounds "hostile", it would make them feel uncomfortable. well, actually not only men cos nin hates it too when ed asks her things.

hm..

quarter pounder chicken

it's the last day of being 24 and i'm the least bit of becoming less stubborn and more mature and my life is still a mess and so on and so forth, so naturally i'm not that excited plus it's the time of the month. i guess bad habits die hard, although i really am not proud of it.

i'm such a grumpier soon-gonna-be-quarter-of-centutry-old, arent't i? perhaps i can just blame it to the time of the month. nah, who am i kidding?

seandainya aja ada ujan dolar..

looks like rainy season has arrived. it's been raining everyday since the past few days. first was in bandung and now in jakarta too. i hate it when it's wet outside, especially with the excess water left along the road (baca: genangan air di lobang2 jalanan yg gembel). not even mentioning about the flood it often caused yet.

well, i do like rain sometimes. when i'm dry, safe and comfortable inside, of course. preferably at home so i won't need to step outside after the rain. last time c and i often imagine about us sitting together in a red comfortable sofa, facing a beautiful view or garden through a ceiling-to-floor glass window watching the raindrops while we drink hot chocolate or tea. hm.. the closest we ever get was sitting together at dante's, facing the mall's foyer watching cars dropping off or picking up passengers. wait, perhaps there are few other memories related to rain but that was the closest one to our funny-romantic imagination. haha...

hate it but need it. well, not literally

this isn't the first time i'm grudging about this here but heck it, so i'll know how i loathe this with all my heart. it even occurs to me the mean thought of whether having it or not having it is better. well, obviously the first one is a better option. just for the sake of having it is nicer to hear and definitely a better statement. hey, we live in a cliched word, don't you know that? perhaps i'd really regret it with all my heart when i lose it, but for now it's like this. i'm a darn stubborn person. as i said, seems that things just don't support me to change and act the other way. hope on the day i die i would die in peace and not because of some cancer or anything malignant caused by my own stubbornness.

blah.

is it just me having pms or things are just really wrong?

i really don't like and certainly don't appreciate what i have now.. i know i shouldn't but seems everything that happen around me suggest me to think the other way. instead of starting to appreciate things, i keep complaining. the worst is, i realize that instead of getting softer (er.. maksudnya lebih lembut), i become more stubborn. tsk.

about friendship, the thought crossed my mind that perhaps i don't enjoy my circle of friends anymore cos there's no longer comfortable feeling when i'm with them. sometimes though, when some of them starts to be "funny" and not appropriate. don't take me wrong, i never say anyone's perfect. i love my friends but seems that we don't really connect with each other anymore like we used to. it's like we're not fit for each other anymore. well, at least it still does for some of us. it seems that the older we are the more we see the world and things, which means more life experiences we get and sometimes that could change someone's personality. to tell the truth, we all became more selfish. we all really do.

well, what do you know? people does change, but it is said that everyone is different, rite? so perhaps we all just need to adapt and get used to the new each of us. i'm sure beside me trying to get use to their funny things, they are trying to get use to my bad temper too. i think it's a bit sad to just trash the friendship we had had since junior high, isn't it? especially when you think that these friends are worthed cos they are friends for life, not just some hi-and-bye friends that pass by our life without meaning.

banana republic

does a bad start always lead to a bad ending too? i really hope it's not. and what's now is not an ending, it's the process to make things work. i hope.

i'm writing this at the time when i feel really pessimistic about it. that's now. i started to have doubts and i'm really scared if he's gonna be like him. that i would be like her who has to fight or do things herself to get what she wants. i don't want to be the one who initiate things. wouldn't it be nice to have someone who can take care a thing or two for you? wouldn't it be nice to be pampered? for example about me planning to go to bdg this holiday. watch it, this isn't about being independent. this just makes me upset everytime i think about it.

actually i started to have this feeling since the second last week before he went there. and i've been thinking about it. perhaps i'm the one who can't understand and over-reacting, well, that would be way better, but what if it's just as bad as i thought?

as usual, i'm always stuck between two choices. this time is whether to be positive or negative. plin-plan.

n said that i'm the one pushing him since the first place. you know what i feel like when she said that? smacking her face with a bucket. who the hell she thinks she is? well, i know this is my stupidity for sharing things like this with her again. should've keep a mental note to myself that she's not the one i should talk to about this kind of thing. even about my job cos it's proven that she can't keep her mouth shut and blabs to other people about things that shouldn't be discussed at all. i had to tell her that time because something came up.

nin said she actually never agree on this, even until now. and she's upset about me not updating her when it finally change because she knew about this since the very first time. she's the first one who knew about it and she kept pointing me that it's a no-no since then.

i don't know what i should do know to calm my mind about this. n gave me a crazy idea, "gimana kalo loe sambil jalanin sambil cari2 yg lain juga? boleh gak gitu?"

GUBRAK!! first of all, i'm afraid of karma, what goes around might comes around. secondly, i do have feeling for him so it won't be as easy to do that to him, although i don't know how about him. and thirdly, i'm not seeing this thing as something for fun. never. i'm not a player.

btw, about the title. i just heard it from a talkshow on tv. i just knew that the meaning of banana republic is a country that's unstable due to changes that happen quite often. katanya pisang tuh cepet berbuah trus tau2 uda mateng trus mulai berbuah lagi. kira2 gitu de binun soalnya tadi cuma dengerin sekilas hehe.

so much for a boring and unpleasant holiday. blah.

jangan terlalu banyak menuntut

gimana caranya nempelin kalimat itu dalam otak dan pikiran kita supaya selalu inget yah? uda kayak bad cycle yg selalu repeating gitu.. haiyah.. mungkin emang gue orangnya bener2 keras banget sampe susah banget making myself in satisfied mode about certain things. well, maybe lots of things hehe.. hey, i'm just a human being kan :p

wise words

if you can't say anything nice about someone, don't say anything.

i got those words from a small book about etiquette guide, a bonus from this month's cosmo mag. this should be a very useful tip.

small getaway

i'm going to sg with nin and n on thursday morning and then followed by el in the evening. not sure yet for how long, depends on whether i'm going to penang or not.

hope we'll all have a great time together. hope everything will go well.

pure mind and soul

pernah gak berpikir dan menyayangkan kenapa kita harus tumbuh dan jadi dewasa (baca: adult)? padahal kalo jadi orang dewasa artinya kita jadi punya tanggung jawab, entah terhadap hidup, diri sendiri maupun orang lain. pernah gak berpikir kalo menjadi dewasa itu sangat rumit? tapi jadi orang gede memang pasti lebih enak dibanding jadi anak kecil sih. inget gak dulu waktu masih kecil rasanya pengen cepet gede biar boleh naik mainan di dufan yg ada batas minimum umur atau tinggi badan? trus pengen cepet umur 17 biar bisa sweet seventeen-an, trus abis itu pengen cepet umur 21 supaya bisa nyoba clubbing, dll. tapi buktinya gitu uda mulai kepada 2 rasanya uda mulai takut cepet tua. lahir-dewasa-tua-mati. that's the cycle of life dan semuanya mesti dilewatin satu2.

dan soal kedewasaan, gak salah kan kalo dibilang menjadi dewasa itu harus dilengkapi dengan sikap dewasa (baca: mature) juga? itu yang menurut gue susah. kadang menjadi dewasa secara umur dan fisik belum tentu berarti dewasa dalam cara berpikir, sikap atau kelakuan. dan gak semua anak kecil kekanak2an juga sih karena ada juga anak kecil yg dewasa sikapnya karena bisa mengerti orang lain. mungkin bener ada yg bilang menjadi dewasa adalah pilihan. tapi yg mau gue ngomongin sekarang bukan tentang ngebedain antara being an adult and act like one.

entah kenapa belakangan ini kalo lagi mikirin tentang my so-called life, as usual-meratapi, dan berpikir tentang friendship, gue ngeliat dan ngerasa kalo banyak banget yg berubah dari hal itu. ya iyalah namanya jg people change tapi tetep aja rasanya agak sedih karena perubahannya itu lebih ke arah yg negative. gue ngerasa semakin dewasa (sekali lagi, secara umur) orang jadi semakin egois dan sibuk dengan urusannya masing2. tapi mungkin itu karena tuntutan hidup juga yang membuat orang harus berubah dan menyesuaikan diri dengan lingkungannya, padahal mungkin sebenernya belom tentu mereka mau berubah jadi seperti negatif. tentu donk, siapa sih yg mau berubah jadi lebih jelek? dan tentang gue, karena one thing and another gue belajar jadi lebih egois dan mikirin diri sendiri aja dulu karena ternyata gak perlu buat nempatin orang lain di atas kita. tapi memang it's the nature of human being kan? mungkin bisa dibilang back to basic.

polos, optimis, positive thinking dan selalu ceria karena gak ada yg dipusingin. coba kalo semua orang bisa menjadi dewasa dengan tetep membawa sifat2 yg bagus dari anak kecil seperti itu. mungkin gue perlu soul cleansing nih hehe.

sok-sial worker

gue bener2 sebel banget sama tuh orang bego sampe kadang rasanya gue pengen nyumpahin atau wish dia gak ada. kalo bukan karena takut karma dan katanya juga kalo orang yg suka marah2 bisa kena kanker pasti uda beneran gue sumpain. emang dasar bego gak punya otak dagang gak becus tapi sok2an bikin kesel sok dagang tapi pake otak sosial (baca: sok sial). mestinya dia join aja tuh UN biar kerja sosial beneran daripada nyusain orang. bener2 gak penting banget tu orang idup. sumpa males banget gue merasa dirugikan cape2 tapi kayak gitu.

BAHHH!!!!!