sigh

another quite disappointing thing. am i asking too much?

copied from a bulletin in fs

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn'tmistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it willget better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... Even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary.

Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

stu's here to meet with the gold's. yeah, finally after being postponed since june. met the owner too, a big businessman, whom they said worries more about numbers before others. hope it will work this time. don't really have the confindent but just crossing the fingers.

i hate monday

pagi ini bangun dengan kepala sedikit pusink. entah karena kurang tidur sejak hari jumat gara2 baca komik mulu dan ngelayap karena ada c, atau karena banyak hal yg rasanya mulai bikin putus asa. rasanya jadi gak antusias aja menyambut hari. males karena gak ada yg bisa di-look forward yg bisa membuat semangat. pengennya libur dan maen terus.

hm.. ini sih childish atau desperate ya? bit of both, i'm sure.

compatibility

selama ini banyak forward2an di email tentang relationships, be it sweet, funny or sarcastic. selama ini bacanya sih lucu2 aja dan mikirnya masuk2 aja di akal, tapi ketika ngeliat sekeliling kita ternyata malah kayaknya ada yg seems so true juga. salah 1 contohnya yg tentang marriage.

a woman decides to be with a guy with hope that someday he’ll change (to be a better and grown up man, of course), whereas a guy decides to be with a woman in hope that she’ll stay the way she were when they first met, sweet and tame. pasti pernah denger atau baca yg kayak gini kan? foolish hope and thoughts, huh?

ada buku yg laris manis dengan judul Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus. jelas2 dari judulnya aja uda bisa kebaca kalo ce and co tuh beda and they speak different languages jadi ya susah nyambung kan? ga perlu dijelasin panjang lebar juga kayaknya uda cukup ngerti dengan point itu kan. ditambah soal change atau same old same old. well, seperti yg selalu gue bilang people change. tapi jarang yg mejadi lebih baik dari sebelumnya. ada, tapi gak banyak. kadang2 karena ada atau tidak adanya perubahan yg diharapkan itu, yg tadinya dikira bisa cocok akhirnya jadi gak cocok. yg tadinya nyambung juga jadi ga nyambung deh. dan seterusnya. tentang understanding dan kompromi? let's see how far could that word's meaning go.

lama2 gue bisa jadi parno sendiri.

lucu-lucuan aja

kalo ada 5 kejadian berlangsung secara bersamaan, mana yg bakal loe lakuin lebih dulu? urutin dari 1 sampe 5:
- telpon bunyi
- keran air luber
- bayi nangis
- ada yg ketok pintu
- ada jemuran kering trus mulai ujan

be independent and no. 3

malem minggu kemaren, as usual, hang out ma temen2 yg biasa plus dengan temen2 yg dibawa mereka. sejak ketemuan sama rk pasti tiap ngumpul2 ketemu orang baru. yah namanya aja JHC jadi emang orang2nya banyak banget, tapi jangan harap pas kenalan 10 orang bisa nantinya nyambung lagi dengan 10 orang yg sama. tiap minggu beda2 dan secara emang gue bukan orang yg aktif jadi yah kenalan cuma sebatas kenalan. hehe.

anyway, ada yg unik pas kenalan sama orang baru kemaren itu. salah 1 dari mereka ternyata kerja di House of Feng Shui. menarik kan? otomatis, dia jadi hot item malem itu. semua langsung pada minta diramalin and nanyain macem2, khususnya ce2 termasuk gue pastinya. beberapa hal, entah itu lucky guess atau memang he's that good, ada yg beneran tepat tapi ada juga yg gak. itu lumrah. berlaku buat semua yg disana juga, bukan cuma di gue.

tentang gue, sepertinya memang gue gak bisa lari dari kenyataan dan nasib ya. 1 hal yg selalu pengen gue deny biarpun tanda2nya mulai keliatan, disamping karena pepatah "buah jatoh gak jauh dari pohonnya", tapi tetep aja gue selalu penasaran masak iya jalan gue adalah mesti seperti itu? tapi sepertinya emang begitu. can't run from fate, eh? oh well, the more you struggle to run from it, the more it strangle you. ada yg bilang fate bisa kita ubah atau tentuin sendiri. mungkin benar. tapi butuh keberanian untuk mulai merubahnya. dan kekuatan hati tentunya. oh, and prayers too. lots of it.

ada lagi yg aneh tapi orang itu gak menjelaskan lebih detail lagi. yah, ciri2 peramal memang harus selalu ada parts yg tidak dirinci dan dibiarkan mengambang supaya terpulang ke diri masing2 untuk introspeksi diri. still can't figure out about gangguan. hm..

ada pertanyaan:
loe masuk ke 1 gerbong kereta yg penuh orang hampir kayak desak2an. tiba2 loe liat ada 1 kursi kosong. apa yg bakal loe lakuin? pilih 1 dari 3 pilihan berikut:
1. langsung dudukin
2. liat sekeliling untuk liat apa ada orang lain yg mau dudukin juga tapi loe tetep aja buru2 dudukin
3. pindah ke gerbong lain, sapa tau ada yg kosong di gerbong lain

it's been quite long since i last wrote or update anything here. never realised it's almost a month. surely there are things to update but now have to get ready. tn is coming over to pick me up before we pick up mic.

got lots of reading on my spare time. if i have one. people's blogs. hehe.

one of audrey hepburn's favourite poem - copied from forwarded email

Time Tested Beauty Tips

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone...

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed and redeemed and redeemed.
Never throw out anybody.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands.
One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

– Sam Levenson

words of wisdom

pas kamis kemaren ikutan partisipasi di acara seminar ITB, ada kalimat berikut pas lagi doa penutupan:
"usaha harus dibarengi dengan doa karena keduanya harus berjalan beriringan. usaha tanpa doa adalah sombong, sedangkan doa tanpa usaha adalah tahayul (spelling?) alias cuma omong kosong."

sederhana, tapi bener banget.

never judge me from what you look outside. you'll never know what it's like to be in my shoes, so don't be a smartass.

a big question mark

setiap hari dimulai dengan perasaan berat, dijalani dengan perasaan hampa dan diakhiri dengan perasaan capek.
tanya kenapa?

kenapa. itu adalah satu di antara macam2 kata tanya atau pertanyaan lainnya yg paling susah buat dijawab. apa, siapa, dimana, kapan, dll itu masih lebih bisa dijawab dengan gampang karena lebih jelas. kalo kenapa itu yg susah karena jawabannya adalah berupa penjelasan yg kadang orang yg bersangkutan sendiri susah buat ngertiinnya.

i need a break from this hell before i lose it.
i need a break from the monster.
we need a break from each other, actually.
temporarily or permanently.

i wanna get out of this whole madness.
i NEED to leave this whole life jokes before i went crazy.
somebody please safe me. anybody.
i don't have the power to safe myself out of this mess.
i'm not a supergirl or other super heroes. i need one, instead.
i may look strong outside but i'm not that tough. i'm not.
really, i'm just made of flesh and blood like the rest of us.

riddle time

.. _.. ___ ..__ _... _ _ .... ._ _ .... . .. ... ._. .. __. .... _ .._. ___ ._. __
.. _.. ___ _. _ _ .... .. _. _._ .... . _._. ._ _. ... .._ .__. .__. ___ ._. _ __ . .. _. _ .... . .__ ._ _.__ .. .__ ._ _. _ ___ ._. _. . . _..

hmph.. by the time i post this writing it automatically rearrange the gap i've put in between. darn it.

the nut house

there are times when i feel like my world is collapsing. no, wait. it's me who could go crash and burn any minute. just wait and see for how much longer i could hang on to this whole life's madness. and there's a darn bad excuse for that.

i've been walking with no clear direction nor destination for the past few years. clueless. sad but true to say that my whole life up to this moment is meaningless. what's the point of all this, anyway? i went through day by day with no satisfaction to life. i do grateful for what i have now, all of them. two parents, a small business that could earn enough money to buy food and pay the bills, a good bf (he prefers to be described as unique and maybe that's more suitable, actually), and some good friends, but still i can't get the aim of the life itself.

each day is filled with routine stuff, the same thing each and everyday. from weeks to months and then years. and none of those contribute a meaningful significant value to the journey. i guess none of those were done from the heart, eh?

again, maybe it's just me. maybe i do need to really hold on to a religion to guide me as they always say?

female boss from hell

dulu si hel suka cerita, entah dengan hiperbola yg bener2 berlebihan atau beneran, kalo bosnya dia itu bener2 suka nyiksa orang. bos cewek. anak buahnya semua tiap hari berangkat ke kantor dengan perasaan deg-degan was2 mikir entah apa lagi yg bakal terjadi hari ini. apakah si ibu hari ini lagi baik atau lagi gila lagi seperti kebanyakan harinya. kerja sama si ibu itu bisa dibilang jadi having no normal life. jam pulang kantor hari biasa bisa jam 9-10an, bahkan sabtu atau malah minggu pun bisa aja tiba2 disuruh masuk. pernah sekali yg gue tau dia malem minggu di kantor ampe jam 3 pagi kalo gak salah. entah sebenernya yg dikerjain itu bener2 penting atau cuma si ibu aja yg suka aneh2.

jujurnya, sampe saat si hel berhenti kerja disana, walaupun dengan gaji yg kalo orang denger bisa langsung kaget dan pengen, gue selalu mikir kayaknya si hel aja yg melebih2kan. tekanan batin dan sering nangis sendiri karena sakit hati katanya. mungkin karena gue gak pernah bener2 ada di posisi dia jadinya gue bisa mikir gitu. tapi gak dikit juga yg mikir sama kayak gue kalo dengan gaji di atas rata2 seperti itu sih kayaknya wajar2 aja. malah sepertinya kerjaan benernya tuh gak susah tapi yg susah itu ngadepin si ibu aja.

dan setelah sekian lama akhirnya gue nyadar kenapa gue bisa mikir seperti itu. dengan situasi yg gue alamin uda lebih dari 2 taon ini, dengan perasaan was2 gak enak setiap bangun pagi, gue ngerasa yg dialamin si hel dan temen2 kantornya itu belom ada apa2nya. atau mungkin sama aja rasanya biarpun beda subjectnya karena gue sepertinya uda familiar dengan hal2 tidak menyenangkan seperti itu.

c got his promotion as the new acting CM there!! he'll be on probation for 6 months, and then if things are ok, he'll replace the previous cm who now is in charge for pp.

congrats and all the best, dear.

another ex's wedding bell

eko is getting married this sunday!!! whoaa, all my ex are getting married!

kemaren sore tiba2 ada bel dari bawah katanya ada yg anter surat, jadi suruh pembokat tolong ambilin. eh tau2nya wedding invitation si eko buat hari minggu ini. hm.. tapi kok ga ada sopan santunnya untuk contact dan ngomong langsung ya? emang gak niat ngundang juga kali ya ngirim undangannya juga tinggal bbrp hari doank waktunya. so, gue bisa suka2 kalo mau ya gue dateng, kalo gak ya udah kan? sebodo amat gak penting juga kok buat gue hehe. trus menurut gue ma nat ada yg rada aneh jg tapi egp lah. kalo kata orang pasti siapa gue siapa loe hehe.

anyway, congrats deh buat mereka. akhirnya kawin muda juga mereka.

kemaren pas terima undangan itu si c lagi ada disini. dia dateng dari minggu pagi trus kemaren malem balik. pas abis terima undangannya gue langsung bentar2 ketawa geli terus gak bisa berhenti kira2 stengah jam ada kali tuh.

oiya, ada yg ampir kelupaan. kemaren the first time ever g nyoba bikin kue. oreo cheesecake sih jadi yg bener2 gampang buat pemula hehe. yg bagian susahnya cuma ngaduk2 adonannya dan itu bagiannya si c deh hihi.

life is indeed full of surprises, eh? funny, great, sad, stupid and other kinds of surprises. and all of them paints a colour in our life.

ada yg beda sejak waktu itu dan kerasa banget. dan gue kayaknya mulai bisa nanggepin dengan sedikit masa bodo. kadang2 doang sih kalo gue bener2 sebel dan coba nahan diri biasanya gue langsung cari distraction. any kind of it. ini gawat gak?

orang pintar dan orang gila

kemarin2 pas ngobrol sama orang2 BDI ada pertanyaan/teka-teki menarik dari seorang bapak: apa persamaan dari orang gila dan orang pintar? sebenernya sih jawabannya yg menarik. kalo perbedaannya kan jelas satu gila dan satunya pintar. persamaannya? sama2 susah diajak ngomong.

bull's eye. sama sekali gak bermaksud menyindir tentang orang gila karena dari awal ditekankan tentang orang yg terlalu pintar. jadi inget katanya einstein pun dibilang stengah jenius stengah gila.

jadi pesan untuk orang yg terlalu pintar: belajarlah untuk menjadi sedikit bodoh, at least pura2 lah untuk sedikit lebih bodoh. rendah hati. karena terlalu pintar akan bikin kita kewalahan dan susah sendiri.

kayaknya ada yg salah sama urat panik gue. atau emang gue tipe yg bener2 lamban untuk menangkap arti sebenernya dari suatu keadaan yg seharusnya biasanya bikin orang feel alarmed seketika itu juga. atau mati rasa ya? entah, mungkin campuran keduanya.

satu hal yg pasti, gue bener2 amat sangat sebel sekali sama satu orang yg bener2 menyebalkan.

circle of life

mulai malam ini nyokap diopname selama 2 hari atau mungkin lebih. tergantung tindakan yg perlu dilakukan oleh dokter setelah menganalisa hasil MRI tadi pagi.

ada sedikit penyumbatan di bagian otak yg mungkin adalah penyebab kepalanya pusing terus, tapi menurut dokter itu bukan sesuatu yg sangat bermasalah atau mendesak untuk saat ini. yg lebih penting adalah syaraf kejepit di bagian tangannya yg menyebabkan jari2nya kesemutan atau malah kadang mati rasa. itu sebabnya kadang barang yg dipegangnya bisa tiba2 terlepas dan jatuh. "tangannya gak mau denger kata," kalo kata nyokap. ini yg mesti ditangani secepatnya supaya gak jadi makin parah. sekarang sudah hampir terasa baal dari ujung jari sampai setengah telapak tangan, dan kalo makin parah bisa sampai 1 lengan mati rasa katanya. untuk itu mungkin nyokap harus menjalani operasi kecil. semoga setelah itu beneran hilang semua rasa gak enaknya itu. semoga stressnya juga bisa berkurang dan hilang.

ujung2 jari kedua tangan gue juga sering berasa kesemutan. apa gue harus check up juga? takut, kalo ternyata nanti malah ditemuin hal2 jelek lainnya.

silence is golden since conversation has run dry.

there are times when silence would be much useful when preserved rather than starting anything. this is definitely applicable for me when dealing with other situation.

ada yg sakit di sekitar dada. sejak bangun tadi pagi masih terasa sampai sekarang. sesak. entah uda yg keberapa kalinya ngerasa kayak gini.
am i really pushing it to the limit?

depressing note

ternyata blog gue bisa bikin orang yg baca jadi ikutan stress loh. hehe makanya blog gue ini gak pernah gue umumin jadi cuma temen2 tertentu yg tau. soalnya isinya ya tumpahan semua omelan, uneg2 dan yg lain2nya yg gak bisa gue keluarin di aslinya. gak mungkin kan gue pasang tampang suram terus ke semua orang kalo gue lagi kesel dan bete setengah mati? jadi ya blog ini lah tempat keluarnya semua darkside gue. my alter ego, maybe? nah, just some sort of my whiny, grumpy and never-feel-satisfied part. hehehe.

a sigh of... denial?

things are definitely still not right. not sure why but seems it's difficult to fix this time. can still feel the tension. maybe both parties start to reach own limits. could this be the sign they have been looking for? a sign that could tip them on what's next.

believe it or not, hope it's not. too tired if have to start things all over again. prefer to just fix and make what's there works.

but still can't understand why this party should always be the first one who brings up things when they're not right so it can be fixed, if it can be fixed. why can't the other party initiate it? so they're not the one who's entitled to the bad party sign? at the lowest time, the thought that this isn't right and that it might never work did occur. that all this time it's all denial.

semalem cuma dapet tidur 4 jam padahal siang ini harus ketemu orang. dan belom tidur lagi sampe sekarang karena masih ada yg belum selesai. padahal sepertinya gak penting sih tapi tetep aja mesti dikerjain dulu.

oh, ternyata ikannya beneran ada. lebih tepatnya ikan jelek yg udah basi. hal lain yg bikin gue tambah banyak pikiran dan jadi penyebab gue susah nambah berat (mengingat cara makan gue yg uda lumayan kayak orang barbar) adalah gue masih juga belom dapetin itu sampe hari ini padahal uda lewat batasnya. makin lama gue makin stress kalo kepikiran soal ini.

duh kayaknya gue mau tidur aja deh, besok baru dikerjain. nulis2 santai gini aja uda lemes dan ngantuk, gimana kalo mesti pake mikir? inilah hasil dari tidur cuma 4 jam. dan inilah bukti kalo gue udah tambah tua. dulu sering bergadang sampe pagi dan pernah beberapa kali malah langsung lanjutin hari tanpa tidur sama sekali sampe malemnya lagi dan rasanya biasa2 aja. mesti bener2 mulai merubah cara hidup gue yg gak sehat dan suka nunda2 tar-sok, tar-sok supaya jadi orang yg lurus kalo kata nyokap gue. suka lari adalah tanda pemalas. karena gak mau repot atau pusing ini-itu.

serakah, marah benci, malas dan sombong. kata ajaran agama nyokap gue itu adalah hal2 yg menjauhkan kita dari jodoh dengan hal2 yg baik. maksudnya jadi gak enteng jodoh sama yg bagus2. semoga gue gak pernah punya sifat pertama dan terakhir karena 2 yg di tengah pun sudah cukup jelek dan harus gue buang.

the ultimate question

satu hal yg gue lupa ceritain pas update tentang KL kemaren.

karena ini pernikahan dari salah satu sanak saudara, gak heran kan kalo yg kita kenal dari sederet daftar tamu2nya pasti adalah sanak saudara lainnya juga? dan karena itu adalah suatu acara yg membahagiakan buat seluruh keluarga besar, bisa ketebak gimana jadinya waktu mereka saling ketemu satu sama lain: langsung ngobrol2 mulai dari apa kabar, tinggal dimana, gimana kabar saudara yg ini, yg itu, de el el sampe yg gak penting. dan ujung2nya bener aja, bisa ditebak dari awal, pasti akhirnya keluar juga deh the ultimate question yg ditunggu-tunggu: "kapan?".

well, yg dapet pertanyaan kayak gini sih pastinya orang2 tua yg masih punya stock di kandang yg belom dilepas, contohnya ya bonyok gue. jelas2 ketauan kalo gue masih di dalem kandang soalnya ngintil mereka ke acara kayak gituan dan bukannya malah dateng sama pasangan.

hasilnya? tiap ketemu uncles dan aunties, pertanyaan selanjutnya yg gue dapet setelah basa-basi adalah: kapan?

jadi inget iklan rokok yg temanya enjoy aja. kejadiannya kira2 mirip kayak gitu deh. dan gue sambil senyum juga bilang, "belom, nanti kalo uda tau gue kabarin", tapi sebel juga karena kalo diliat-liat sekeliling gue emang uda pada mulai ninggalin gue.

tapi emangnya ini balapan? tau ah, pucing.

craps

something's not right. or can i say not right, "yet"? it still smells fishy. well, it feels fishy.

and i hate that.

again, wanna run as i usually do but i'm kind of running out of space for it.

and i hate that too.

waitng for something to fall from the sky to settle everything. yeah, a pathetic daydreamers' wish.

ada sedikit sedih juga rasanya hari lewat begitu aja.

happy birthday?

finally went to KL again after years but this time wasn't that excited anymore. it was for kc's wedding in renaissance, and then went to penang to meet the Dato. oh, the PM got married again on last saturday.

met der again for a while and seems he's doing well now. i just realized that he's the only person i still have in contact everytime i went there. wanna meet ker too but too bad he lost her contact already and i forgot to message her on fs before i went there. wanna see that quek too but der hate him now so he don't wanna have any contact with him anymore.

anyway, funny thing since i came back i'm not even sure if it's still the same as before i leave. as usual, stupid things i hate happened and we haven't talk about it since. prefer not to. feels weird like something's not right but i don't wanna push anything cos from my experience all gets worse when i do that.

overrated but high on demand

(i wrote this crap back then when i was in penang early last week.)

know what it is? it's one of those crap things related to romance: the true love thing.
overrated, but said it does happen to those who are lucky enough to have it.

what's all that fuss everyone's been talking about and dying to find one, actually? i don't even know if i belong to that group of lucky people. didn't mean to offend anyone, but that's the inferiority i feel. some describe it as something that brings out the very best of those who found it. sounds great. but maybe i'm not entitled to that sort of privilege. or maybe i do or did lucky enough to have it but that plus point from it seems to just wore off over time. well, i'm a stubborn person so that's not weird. or maybe it does. ok, i'm in denial cos what's yes is yes and what's not is not. anyway, i'm not sure i ever gave that privilege to anyone either so we can just call it even.

bah.

running out of space to run

gue sering banget lari. dari kenyataan, bukan lari dalam arti harafiah yg tentunya kalo beneran bakal bagus buat gue.

kalo diliat ke belakang, kebiasaan jelek ini uda gue lakuin sejak gue masih kecil. sedikit ketemu yg susah2 atau gak enak, udah deh pasti nangis dan gak mau lagi. lari dari kenyataan. kayak sekarang ini gue sering banget pengen lari dan mulai mikir seandainya waktu itu begini, seandainya dulu begitu dan banyak andai2 lain deh yg dijadiin kambing hitam buat keadaan sekarang yg gak seperti yg gue pengen. childish banget ya. dan kayaknya faktor males juga berperan penting sih disini. males menghadapi rintangan, maunya yg gampang2 aja.

gue seperti orang yg gak bisa nerima kenyataan apa adanya ya? atau mungkin lebih tepatnya gak puas? yg mana aja tetep gak tau diri banget rasanya tapi gue yakin kalo gue bukan satu2nya yg bisa disalahin untuk ini.

ughh... ngaco2 apa lagi yg gue tulis disini? pucink.

the L word

no, it doesn't stand for Love nor Lesbian like the tv series.

to be honest, gue quite disappointed sama jawaban yg gue dapet. well, memang pas itu baru ngobrol2nya aja sih tapi tetep aja kata2nya sounds like ini gak ada penting2nya dan emang gak ada tujuan apa2. dan nanti kalo ternyata suatu saat ada baru dipikirin dan diputusin mau gimana. in other words, karena sekarang masih asik2 aja jadi biarin nanti aja kalo mau baru dipikirin. serasa itu soal gampang buat dia, kalo ok ya lanjutin acaranya, kalo gak ya tinggal distopin aja. a few tears dropped silently. sakit bok ampe sekarang juga masih berasa, but i managed to hold up dan malah bisa make a joke out of it and laugh buat nutupin takut kalo malah makin jadi. rada mirip ndin yg bilang kalo dia champion at fake smile tapi mungkin beda situasi dan tujuan hehe. memalukan. pura2 kayak besi padahal cuma porselen.

mungkin seperti yg sering dia bilang sebenernya dia gak bermaksud seperti itu, secara gue sering salah artiin omongannya katanya. mungkin memang gue aja yg over sensi. tapi gimanapun itu kan bukan mainan, setidaknya buat gue. memang ada yg anggep itu penting banget, ada yg biasa aja atau malah ada yg mikir itu sangat gak penting dan cuma jadi beban, seperti kir and his wife di SF.

and i don't know what gonna happen next. capek dan percuma kalo nebak2 dalam ketidakpastian karena bertanya pun belum tentu dapat jawaban. secara yg ditanya juga mungkin belom pernah mikir apa2.

mamma mia

entah orang sini mo bikin aneh2 apa lagi. dari kemaren2 ada iklan audisi buat pemeran mama mia.

jadi pengen nonton shows lagi tapi sayangnya jauh banget. dan mahal. huh.

summer blitz

this year's summer is sure filled with lots of box office movies, eh? kicks off with the spiderman 3 early this month, tomorrow's pirates 3 and then following soon shrek 3, harry potter, fantastic four, ocean's 13, and lots of other non-sequels too. wanna see sandra bullock's premonition too but if it's scary then forget it. better wait for the drama or rom-com movies like meg ryan's in the land of women and jen garner's catch and release. hate it can't watch it while in the states. now have to wait until it comes up here. if it does shown here. hmph..

another talk

eh.. dah lama ga updet tau2 sekarang blogger dah bisa autosave yah. lumayan deh kalo bener jadinya ga mencak2 lagi kalo lagi seru ngetik2 tau2 komputernya hang atau internetnya bego tetep masi bisa diselametin hehe..

anyway, temen ama gue tersayang yg selama ini deket sama nyokap gue passed away juga hari minggu subuh minggu lalu setelah sempet koma pas sabtu pagi, biarpun pas sabtu malamnya si ama uda normal dan bener2 keliatan seger lagi. nenek2 yg uda dianggep kayak pengganti nyokap ma nyokap gue, yg sering dateng main ke rumah buat ngobrol, ngajak nyokap pergi makan atau jalan2, yg tiap taon pas nyokap b'day pasti dateng sama anaknya buat bawa kue and ngajak nyokap pergi makan ini meninggal di umur 91 taon. perjalanan hidup yg panjang ya.

biarpun kematian sepertinya wajar bagi orang2 yg uda tua tapi tetep aja shocking karena baru beberapa hari sebelumnya kita nengokin dia di rumah sakit dan bener2 keliatan fit kayak biasanya. kata anak2nya si ama ini cuma lemah kurang gizi karena uda tua aja. sering diet karena diabetes katanya. tapi ternyata setelah meninggal baru anak2nya cerita ke kita kalo sebenernya ada kanker yg uda ganas di rahimnya si ama. ajaib, kan di umur segitu? tapi beruntung juga lah karena dia didiagnosa penyakit nyeremin itu di umur yg uda bener2 lanjut, jadi dia sendiri juga mungkin gak ngerasain sakitnya terlalu lama. yg hebatnya, si ama ini udah nyiapin semua kebutuhan untuk funeral dia dari sejak taon 94. dari tanah kuburannya, baju2 yg nantinya akan dipakai saat masuk peti, sampe mutiara2nya. well, sepertinya dengan siap2 seperti itu malah jadi jimat untuk bikin panjang umur ya.

anyway, orang yg meninggal di umur segitu dan hidupnya dalam keadaan serba cukup dengan anak2nya yg uda ngasih cucu bahkan uda punya cicit dibilang beruntung oleh orang2. itu sebabnya di ruang rumah dukanya ada aksen merahnya, bukan cuma putih seperti umumnya. ternyata katanya untuk orang yg meninggal di atas 80 taon (kalo gak salah) dan uda punya cucu, dll bisa dibilang "ho mia". jadi selain sedih ada unsur bahagianya juga katanya.

semoga aja nanti kita juga bisa begitu.

shit talk

aunt cis' father died last night. it was just like what my mom told her earlier when we were staying at her house in new jersey, that she should go back to visit her father while he's still alive. well, it's not easy for her to go for a long trip or flight so i can understand that part. i'm not sure about other reasons.

as we get older, the word death becomes more real, don't you think? and it scares the hell out of me. but it's not of my own. it's of the people around me. i've always have this feeling of being left alone, having nobody to care about me anymore. it's an awful feeling. maybe i'm just being paranoid, but it's true. as time passes, it becomes more real. well, it would be real too if you experience it in your tender age but what i mean is that the horrible feeling is more and more shocking from time to time. well, at least i know it would be for me. it's like reality bites. maybe when we're kids, maybe we heard that a's grandpa or b's grandma died. and then 20-30 years later we start to hear e's mom or m's dad died. can't imagine when maybe 40-50 years later we start to hear that a or b died. somehow it feels like counting down to our own time, eh?

born as a little baby, go to study as child and teenager, go to work as an adult, get married, have kids and maybe grandkids if you're lucky, get old and died one day. that's the cycle of life. well, you can consider yourself lucky if you could get through your old days in good health.

people do come and go from our lives. it's just hard to take it literally when it really comes. just hope there'll be no regret about anything.

kc's wedding

i'm going for a trip again sooner than i thought. hopefully there'll be no fuss later when the time comes.

wish me luck for the project we're on now. hope we'll get it. all's well that ends well.
*wishing so hard crossing my fingers*

gue dan pikiran konyol gue

gue pengen ngadopsi anak nih.

kira2 gimana ya reaksi orang2 pas denger gue nyeplos kayak gitu? bisa kebayang pasti ada yg bilang gue sedenk, ada yg langsung ngakak, tapi mungkin juga ada yg gak bereaksi karena mikir palingan gue lagi ngelantur jadi gak penting buat didengerin haha..

tapi serius deh kayaknya punya "mainan" pasti rasanya seneng. maunya sih punya sendiri tapi kan gue belom merit jadi punya orang aja deh hehe

kemaren siang si vie uda ngelahirin jagoan pertamanya di hermina juga, sama kayak ann. tadinya janjian sama si ndin mo nengonkin malem ini tapi akhirnya jadi besok pagi karena dia mesti ke dokter hari ini. lusa malem dia uda mo balik ke melb jadi mesti beresin semua ini-itu secepetnya deh.

tis n tat

ugh... kok gue ingetnya si c umurnya 27 mulu yah? padahal jelas2 gue ndiri yg mark the calender pake tulisan "his 28th b'day". apa karena gue slalu ngukurnya pake umur ndiri yg berasanya cuma beda 2 taon karena beda taonnya emang cuma selisih 2 taon ya?

anyway, heroes emang seru banget! payah, mau beli dvd-nya dari jaman kuda ampe skrg belom beli2.. jadi pengen koleksi hehe

spidey 3 lagi hot2nya nih premiere hari ini. di blitz bandung aja katanya hari ini kejual 3.500 tiket just for today's spidey show. dan dijual advance pula. gimana nasib gue yg mo nonton bareng andin ma temen2nya yg mo nekat go show aja? tsk.. tapi mungkin kalo di tempat2 biasa yg gak terlalu rame sih pasti dapet2 aja kali ya. masalahnya jauh and 3in1 itu yg bikin males dan susah.

blogspot tersayang

for the millionth time i said it, again, time flies. gak nyangka pas liat2 blog ternyata uda setaon ngetik2 yg gak penting di blogspot ini, padahal kayaknya pindah blog kesini aja belom lama. jadi berasa tambah tua lagi deh..

tambah tua? uda pasti. tambah bijaksana? belom tentu.. hehehe

if only

if only all the bad people are as stupid as he is
if only all of them are as "honest" as he is
if only they are as "generous" as he is
if only...

too bad that he is really that slow and the damages are so disadvantaging. hmph..

trying too hard or not hard enough?

that i myself can't answer. different people would see it differently on how much effort you put into something.

waiting for reality to kick in

hate this uncertainty. haven't feel anything big yet but surely it will if it finally gonna really hit this time. or maybe i'm just in denial for the hundreds of times.

little update dari apel gede

tokyo is cancelled, so we extended 2 more days in NY. oh, ndin still stick to the plan so she's leaving tomorrow morning. err.. make that in a few hours.

have to plan perfectly for the appointment in narita with the guy who'll deliver the items we firstly planned to meet in tokyo.. hope it'll work.

i just lost my holiday mood because of that stupid useless one. i'm so, so angry that i feel like swearing, punching and kicking him all at once. can't he do something right for once?? i mean, for god's sake, it's his fucking business too!!! can't he use his brain on this??

aarrgghhh, i'm so pissed off right now!!!

those bastards also crossed the line, but too bad it was that useless one they're always looking for and clearly everyone can see why. i don't care if we won't have any relationship with them in the future, they're no good but all disadvantaging for us anyway.

and for the stupid one, he might do nothing good either except just for the sake that he's exist.

BAH!!!

there are some things i did and said just out of feeling that it's a must. something like "sopan-santun". or maybe "basa-basi" would describe it more perfect.

anyway, in LA now, staying in san's house and have no idea where to go.

pain in the ass

feels like some people are just there being themselves to annoy you or pissed you off. these kind of people brings out the bad in you.

poetic mood

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
George Sand

To love and to be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.
David Viscott

If you would be loved, love and be lovable.
Benjamin Franklin

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare

dekat tapi jauh

pernah gak tiba2 ngerasa orang yg selama ini ada di dekat kita terasa seperti orang asing? waktu kita diam dan melihat rasanya aneh dan tiba2 jadi seperti gak kenal lagi. jadi tiba2 males juga rasanya. agak ilfil. atau mungkin itu memang sisi lain yang belum kita lihat makanya terasa asing? atau mungkin yg selama ini diperlihatkan ke kita memang palsu? jadi tiba2 ilfil.

twisted words or twisted mind?

life still sucks for me.
i still suck at life.

a short chat with hen makes me think which one's more like it. two different meaning.

none of them is more preferable, thou.

denial

that thought of looking for another and hopefully better options is really still there.

i don't like uncertainty, but i still can try to live with it. it's THAT feeling that i can't tolerate at all.
it's rather insulting, don't you think? who the hell do you think you are?

but the most important thing is i'm not sure if the "it" material is there..

a "slight" changes here and there

kok kayaknya banyak yg melenceng dari rencana semula nih, yg tadinya dari 2 minggu bisa2 jadi sebulan. hm... moga2 smuanya lancar2 aja deh biar gak ada kenapa2 disana dan disini juga.

running out of time

at some point now it's still as vague as it was since the first time. everything's still blurred. no sign at all, which means no guarantee at all. maybe that's why the thought of looking for other option's still there. no secure sign in choosing the current option, whereas the other possibility might even be more certain, with plus minus here and there compared with the current. don't wanna make myself think that i'm stuck with this way cos i'm afraid to see other options.

sooner than later

it's going to happen, right? this is exciting! hope everything will be smooth =D

another predictable thing

to put it simple, i've ended all this grudge feeling. well, we ended it together.

i guess it finally reach our limit so this would be a good way out. and already i'm at ease =)

lega. no more faking it. no regrets too i guess.

Golden Pig Year

Gong Xi Fa Cai!!

may this golden piggy year brings even more happiness, luck, health and prosperity to all of us.

worse than expected

i decided to give it a shot tomorrow, for whatever it takes and for whatever it gives. fyi, it's still as dark as it was.

anyway, happy valentine!

not so surprised

i've made plan as a surprise but perhaps it won't be necessary anymore. hampir bisa dipastiin kalo keadaannya gini terus sih bakal suram. but i'm the one choosing to stick as far as we could. or at least as he could cos i know sometimes it was my bad.

can't complain this time cos it was my fault.

it takes a lifetime to know someone

i guess i'll never be able to know or even guess what's on his mind.. leave aside understanding him..

schizilly, should i try your just-kidding-suggestion to comfort myself? can you see how bad this affects me? me, who never used to this kind of stupid ideas but now, out of desperation, really wanna take it into consideration.

sigh.

kok bisa (tahan)?

pertanyaan dari rk pas chatting tadi bukan pertanyaan pertama atau kedua kali yg gue dapet waktu orang2 tau gue pacaran jarak jauh alias long distance.

dan jawaban gue: yah mau gimana lagi, gue coba sabar2in lah.. trying to survive. susah sih.

dan kalo ditanya co gue gimana? dia tipe cuek.

coba gue bisa sebodo amat gitu ya take it easy aja. gue heran apa dia ga kangen atau takut kehilangan gue yah? hehe.. sok berharga banget ya gue. entahlah..

flowers, chocolates, candle-light dinner..

barusan liat2 kalender eh taunya uda feb lagi, berarti imlek taon ini uda deket n that valentine's day, hari yg diworship pere sedunia seperti kata si an, juga bakal muncul bentar lagi.

buat yg pacaran n mesra terus, everyday is valentine's day
buat yg single, either they feel blue for being alone or take it as just another normal day and have fun with friends
buat yg pacaran tapi biasa aja atau ld (pacaran tapi kadang serasa single juga karena jauhan), entah jadinya biasa aja atau malah worse than being single?

tapi ada yg bilang gimanapun keadaannya masih mending punya pacar biarpun ld karena at least you know you have someone out there. really? kayaknya ga bener2 amat deh komen ini. yah tergantung tipe orang2nya pastinya.

ga tau deh kalo buat gue nanti bakal jadi hari yg gue tungguin atau sebelin hehe.. mungkin emang gue aja yg suka expect aneh2. lebih tepatnya expectationnya yg ga tepat ditujukan pada tipe2 orang tertentu jadi ga heran juga kalo ga kesampean.. kalo bilang ga expect jadi ga berharap apa2 sih denial banget tapi kalo terang2an expect pasti lebih sebel lagi kalo it's not in favour.

hm...

getting it ranked

priority scale/rank and opportunity cost

do you still remember these topics on basic economy subject? about choices and the things you have to sacrifice for choosing that over the other. something like that.

your life change as your priority change
and making choice is the hardest part

i got that from our not-so-stupid-but-not-so-responsible-either person from the principal who came here on last weekend. he's an english man with 3 young daughters from his soon-to-be-ex venezuela wife.

besides pushing us about this year's sales target *rolled eyes*, he shared some stories of his personal life. he's know focusing in just his career and daughters and so this changes has change his priority in life. due to this divorce thing, surely his daughter's future would be effected and so he must plan it more carefully. well, i got what he means when he talked about this but i can't explain it clearly. basicly, he just wants the best for his daughters.

as for me, maybe i'm trying to do the impossible, that is putting all things in the same priority rank. trying to put everything equally and do it at the same time, which is very hard.

my mom used to do that. she led her life as a housewife, a mother and a daughter too plus as a businesswoman altogether at the same time. can you imagine how hard it is? only some people could managed to achieve and survive it and i could say that she's one of them. although not perfectly. hey, she's just a normal woman, not wonderwoman! well, basicly you can say that she managed to keep this small business survive until now, takes care of my dad, raised me (although definitely not up to what she might have wished for..), and the most important thing she did a good job in taking care of her mother until the day my grandma died. with plus minus in every aspect, for sure.

so, perhaps it's not that impossible to do, but getting it ranked would be much better and perhaps easier because you could be more focus in fulfilling each of the things.

bla bla bla...

alter ego

if she strays, doesn't mean she doesn't love him anymore
don't get it wrong, but who knows it works magic
and fix things up between her and him
she might get what she's looking for, although not the one she wants
and for him, he surely can have more peace

it's wrong. definitely something against her point of view
and that would make her become one of them she looks down to
but if it could save that like what some has experienced before,
then perhaps it can be considered again
and no one has to know anything this time
except the one to be involved, of course

aahhh.. what has she become to?
hate him who makes her feel miserable
and do things against her will just to get his attention
but perhaps it's useless anyway
and don't think she's able to do that either
no matter how it is, she won't have the heart to do that to him

maybe. just maybe
who knows who someone might become to?

friendship

what started it?
a simple gesture like a smile or hi?
common interest?
needs?

what kind of it are you offering?
friends in need, friends indeed?
friends for life?
friends for the moment?
friends based on situation?
friends in happy times only?
casual passing by "hi and bye" friends?
mutual friends with benefit?

how do you even know which one is which?
you'll be surprised to find out if the ones you thought to be for life are only those who pass by or the other way around.

most important, what makes it last?
what makes you keep it?
common interests?
understanding?
history/memories?
bonds?
common sense?
advantageous?
benefits?
needs?
fun?

mind you, it's all overrated.

orang gak penting

tolong donk jangan samain orang2 sama diri sendiri yg agak2 gimana gitu.

entah dengan maksud bercanda yg konyol atau emang beneran, bisa2nya ngomong ke orang suruh deketin ce karena tuh ce lagi berantem sama cowoknya. please donk. gak semua punya hobi sambilan kali. kalo emang niat mo jodohin beneran juga bukan gitu caranya. pantesan aja aneh bener uda tau punya co tapi tetep aja nyoba2 rupanya karena ada info embel2 kayak gitu.

hohoho kayaknya uda nge-declare gak peduli lagi deh. emang ga peduli sih kalo bukan karena mikirin yg uda lalu sih ga bakal deh ngerasa sayang. tapi kalo emang uda bener2 beda jalan mo gimana lagi. lucu ya gini aja jg rumit.

kok bisa ya?

jadi dewasa atau tetep konyol2an kayak anak kecil dan anggap semua lucu2 aja itu adalah pilihan, kan? seperti untuk menjadi baik atau jelek itu adalah pilihan.

sekarang jadi mikir kok bisa ya dulu sama2? tapi sejauh apapun coba untuk inget tetep aja gak pernah sampe sekonyol itu. jadi mungkin memang tambah dari sananya aja.

siapa gue untuk menilai tapi jujur ada rasa malu terhadap kekonyolan2 yg diperbuat karena kadang jadi terlibat secara tidak langsung hanya karena ada disana.

trust, honesty and communication

trust is earned by being honest and open in which could only happen/shown through the most important part, communication.

i came up with a new thing that wasn't actually new cos it was already there that time, although not being applied in the right way yet. there's no update or whatsoever and it's way off the topics since that time, so seems like i have to just take what i get. and it's kinda vague somehow. i'm just afraid that i misunderstood this and took it the wrong way.

and that fear of catching ugly things on sudden move did exist. i know that doubt shouldn't even be there, but one thing leads to another that leads me to that way.

i do hope this could work.

di ujung tanduk

...................................................................................

uneg-uneg

i can't believe other people can be more honest and open to me. more of "sharing". quite disappointing, actually..

i really can't rely on him, can i? hey, not that i'm clingy or incapable of being independent, but wouldn't it be nice to have someone take care of you sometimes? someone dependable who you can trust yourself with.

it's like what they say about sand. the more you try to get a grab of it, the more you lose it.

i sound desperate, huh? desperately want it to work out that i push it too hard.

from time to time it started to show that perhaps we're not suitable for each other. lots of effort needed by both of us.

btw, my dear ex is getting married soon. i don't know any details of it, though. i just heard it yesterday morning from my mom's friend. talk about scores with w, huh..

when it comes to certain point

suck it in or f*** it off

bagi mereka yg sudah terlanjur basah, yg kedua bukanlah pilihan
bagi mereka yg baru setengah basah, mungkin yg kedua bisa jadi pilihan yg lebih baik

tapi mungkin jg sebaliknya karena kadang ada hal-hal yg membuat dua situasi berbeda itu masing2 justru memilih pilihan yg satunya lagi

new year, new hope, new spirit?

happy new year!

hope it would be a bright year blessed with happiness, health and prosperity to everyone. and less disasters, please..

been doing nothing really important since the last few days of 2006, which i spent the old and new at home, sleeping, instead of going to blowfish. but seriously, no regrets. perhaps i knew that i won't enjoy the crowd that much anymore, that's why going to kapuk island was a better option. but still, you can say that it's sad. well, mom's at megamendung and dad's definitely don't really care that much about this festive season and c wasn't around, so i was that lazy to do anything.

tell you the truth, i suspected myself that i need combantrin (is the spelling correct?) cos i really really was very lazy to do anything. all i did on the last day of 2006 and the first day of 2007 was eat and sleep all day. i meant 2 days. and the last time i took that tablets was perhaps a year ago. and i was always hungry too. well, i know i'm always hungry but this was different.
anyway, still in holiday mood this whole week although things started to resume on the second day of 2007 but lots of people are still on their leave until next week, that would be in 2 days time.

i sincerely hope this new year would bring good things in any kind of relationships i have, especially my friendship with the gitl. so that i can really know and feel the meaning of true girlfriends although i doubted it few times. c always said that if i alredy set my mind on something, it would be difficult to change my thoughts or assumptions and it often makes him upset. i know that people shouldn't make assumptions but sometimes the situations are not good enough to explain anything. or perhaps it does explains the bad perfectly.

people change
love fades
seasons come and go
but friendship last forever

i sincerely hope the last one is true, although i don't like the sound of the first two. things would be much easier if we're still pure, honest and understanding with each other, don't you think?

another thing, i don't know if my relationship with c could be said as an improvement. well, if you compare it with early last year, surely it does. let's just say that we're taking baby steps.

oh, i got this cheesy word of wisdom from yud but perhaps it's right:

don't love with your heart or you'll lose your mind
love with your mind so you can use your heart

interesting. all about love and friendship, eh? that's the lighter topics. things like jobs and life can be too depressive to talk about, so this is better.

be optimist!

stepping forward or backward?

as we grow older we have more things, or better said problems, to think about. don't you agree? from simple daily stuffs to important things that we need to think over and over again to make sure that it's the correct choice we've made.

sometimes we wished that everything were more simple, so that we could just sit back and relax and let things go with the flow and be sure that it all would be ok. sadly, it only happens in dreams. well, at least that's the not-so-sweet reality for some of us.

making choices are difficult, especially ones that concern with our future. not knowing whether it's the correct and the best choice made is something very unpleasant. sometimes we make a decision and convince ourselves to stick with it, but often there are things that just makes us have to rethink about the choices we've made. this situation is definitely not a good progress. i guess we all have the same problem and dilemma.

sensitivity, more or less?

is this really a wrong choice? why does it always have to lead to be like this? who's actually being too sensitive or not sensitive enough? maybe it's me, but you don't need to react like that. or actually was it you? either way, you don't have to show it that way. cos i have enough too.

be nice, and i shall return you the sweetness
treat me nasty, i'll let you taste how bitter i can be

aren't those lines simple enough to be understood?

frequent flyer

this year 2006 is my most active year in terms of the numbers i went travelling, both for business and pleasure. let me try to remember...

mid jan : switzerland for annual meeting thing
end jan - early feb : continue to Beijing to visit a cousin
mid jun : balikpapan for ann's wedding
mid oct : s'pore with n and nin
1st week dec : bali with the usual people
2nd week : s'pore (again) for a neighbour's daughter's wedding and meeting with principal
3rd week : surabaya for a doc's workshop thing

i just came back yesterday early morning.

oh, does short road trip to puncak and bandung counts? if yes, add 3 more to the list. puncak was during 17 agustus-an holiday with w, jaf and c and the gang that time and stayed at his villa. as for bandung, twice. first one was with c, w, h and w's "kucing" on the week after the puncak and second one was on lebaran holiday.

i think that's all for now. just planned to go bandung with c when he goes back but maybe it's not necessary anymore.

btw, el's going to have her b'day (on nov. 30) celebrated this saturday night, dinner at kembang goela. ik said ok to her invitation so she's so happy, excited and looking forward to it. and since i'm her friend, i sincerely hope that guy won't disappoint her, despite of anything else.

i just don't care that much anymore

you're upset with me? i don't care, dear.
unhappy about my attitude? get a mirror, dear.

and don't think that i don't know what you think or feel about me. yes, i know. i'm more sensitive, remember? and i feel the same way about you. but i just don't care that much anymore about stuffs like that. sorry dear, it's just not that important to me anymore.

people change. and i do too.

empty head

sejak pulang dari bali 2 malam yg lalu ampe sekarang rasanya gue belom bener2 balik seperti awal deh. kepala masih setengah melayang ampe rasanya kayak zombie yg orangnya bangun dan bisa gerak tapi otaknya setengah kosong gitu. tapi gue uda nyetir dari hari pas pulang itu loh jadi masih lumayan lah ya tapi kalo disuruh mikir males banget. awas kalo bilang gue biasanya juga males mikir. rasanya gue belom bener2 puas tidur deh abisnya sejak pulang langsung ada aja yg mesti diurusin jadi tidur malem trus pagi2 uda diresein juga.

anyway, jumat ini gue ke sg lagi ma nyokap. half business thing and half pleasure time. anaknya temen nyokap merit disana and sekalian mau meeting sama principal. banyak banget masalah yg mesti diberesin. they sucks now. very very badly sampe merugikan kita banget. tapi semuanya act seperti smartass.

oh ya, i'll update about bali kapan2 deh kalo inget juga..

was it me?

i was asking myself, is it true that they are the ones that change? cos definitely some still get along nicely and even fit each other's silliness. mind you, i'm not referring silly here as in stupidity. it refers to funny, ridiculous things.

so, it occurs to me that perhaps i'm the one who change. could it be that way? perhaps it might be that way. but still, so does everybody else. we're no longer pure and naive. as time passes, the more we see and the more things we go through, the bigger ego we have. we no longer feel as comfortable as we used to with each other. it just feels different. at least i do know when i started to feel differently. i didn't ask for this but it just happened. perhaps no one wants it but it happened anyway.

too bad.

feels like shit

if things go wrong, if shit happens, i might have to cancel this whole bali thing.

things just went wrong as if it's not bad and complicated enough.

how does it feel to be like one? what's it like to be in those shoes? i know i definitely not interested to be one like that *ketok2 jangan sampe deh, touch wood i won't meet anyone like that again ever*, stupid but loud. well, can only be loud only to those they feel superior if compared to. malu dikit donk!!

maybe the word stupid can't describe it precisely. actually not stupid. you can say smart. in a way. but too bad always letting cunning people outsmarted them and became prey of those pigs. that's why the inferior smart could only be applied to close people. to bully them. smart ass.

get what i mean? no? nvm.

btw an, i've got the trouville and my mom got the speedy. still thinking about the sonatine too thou. greedy, eh? nah, i'll get over it.

duren + sop kambing

kombinasi bego buat bikin darah tinggi and panas dalam. seperti yang pernah diceritain sama kambingjantan kayaknya de. sekarang pala gue sakit dari sejak bangun gara2 kemaren makan itu.

soal bali, akhirnya gue and n bakal stay sama nin di tempat cousin dia soalnya si er tiba2 jadi ikut. rusuh kan kalo ampe masuk 1 kamar hotel berenam? bisa gila kali nunggu giliran mandi. belom lagi sumpeknya.

ampe hari ini gue and n masih belom dapet juga. n uda decide to try the pill and i'm still sticking to the other alternative. maunya sih bisa beres sebelomnya atau skalian setelah pulang deh. males banget kalo mau main2 apalagi involve water activities tapi mikirin ginian.

mesti mikirin mau bawain apa buat cousinnya nin nih. gak enak kan kalo tau2 datang trus nginep sana cuma bawa diri.

sigh

confused. lost. blurry. +headache.

by the time i wrote this, i'm not even sure myself if the previous post is still relevant.

not so distant, huh?

dulu pas gue cerita kalo si c bakal pindah ke bdg gara2 ditransfer kerja kesana, temen2 gue langsung pada komen gini, "alahh, jkt-bdg doank sih dekettt, ga bisa dibilang long distance lah. kapan aja loe mau bisa ketemu, malah kalo mau bisa kok dia pulang kerja ke jkt buat dinner ma loe trus pulang bdg lagi." dpkcl jg pernah bilang "distance will make heart grow fonder". sweet, but not completely true. gue tau maksud mereka emang baik biar gue gak gimana2. well, pas awal sih emang gue gak gimana2 tapi kok lama2..

huh.

mana loe an, yk, dll? dulu gue belom komen apa2 uda dibilangin ini-itu, sekarang gue mo komen nih!

bdg-jkt emang deket tapi yg jadi urusan bukan cuma jaraknya doank tu. huh.. buktinya skrg dia tiap minggu ada day off 2 hari berturut-turut juga ga pernah tuh nongol disini. uda gitu kayaknya karena jam kerja dia yg rada sadis dan so pasti bikin cape jadinya boro2 ketemu, ngobrol di telpon aja kayaknya uda jarang tuh. well, kalo telpon sekali2 yg cuma nanya uda makan belom dan sejenisnya sih ada tapi yg bener2 ngobrol uda ga inget kapan terakhir. trus gara2 itu gue ngerasanya jadi jauh aja and gue jadi bete. ngomongnya doank kangen tapi dari minggu lalu ada libur 2 hari dan besok2nya pas masuk shiftnya malem juga gak nongol sama sekali.

gue tau mungkin dia cape karena jam dan waktu kerjanya sejak jadi MOD jadi gak tentu tapi tetep aja.. memang dulu gue yg pernah bilang kalo gimanapun gue bakal ngedukung dia soalnya dari awal interview job ini pun uda dibilang kalo semua kandidat ada kemungkinan dipindahin keluar kota sesuai kebutuhan tapi..

entah kenapa kalo menurut gue dia orang yg terlalu rasional dan sedikit banget pake feeling. memang kalo cowok dibilangnya kan lebh rasio daripada hati tapi ini sih bener2 pelit hati makanya gue suka bilang dia gak ada manis2nya. well, gue tau gak semua co lebih pake rasio dan gak semua ce lebih pake feeling tapi yg ini sih uda bener2 rasio banget. kayaknya semua tindakan bener2 dipikirin bagus jeleknya dulu jadi boro2 do things yg nekat atau dodol2 and go wild, yg spontan aja jarang apalagi yg namanya stupid things you do when you're into someone. gue pernah ngomong ke dia tapi jawaban dia simple dan rada nyebelin, "kan dari awal emang gue apa adanya.."

kartu mati. karena dia uda kayak mengisyaratkan kalo dia emang seperti itu, take it or leave it. what's left there for me to say? kesannya jadi kayak gue yg mesti ngejar2 dia buat dapet perhatian dia. hello, did you notice that i'm a girl? seperti kata el, biarpun kita suka sama co tapi kita jadi ce pengennya dimanjain dan dikejar, bukannya malah ngejar.

well, gue yakin kalo dia jg pasti punya uneg2 soal gue. honestly gue emang pernah kepikir buat reconsider this thing tapi buntut2nya selalu gue lupain dan coba jalanin lagi dengan pikiran mungkin gue yg terlalu banyak menuntut. tapi itu juga ada batasnya dan gue yakin dengan sifat gue yg super jelek dan keras ini gue bisa meledak sewaktu2 dan merusak semuanya. gak tau gimana dengan bom waktu punya dia apa bakal meledak lebih cepet dari punya gue.

jadi model sehari

kemaren akhirnya jadi jg ke studio tempat photo buat majalahnya. btw, nama majalahnya Ice. bisa liat sekilas di

dodolnya tuh gue (dan jj yg jd model satu lagi) bilang ok pas diminta nv tanpa tau ttg majalah ini sama sekali. jadi tuh rada malu2in pas disana gue nanya dengan polosnya ice tu majalah apa si? ga pernah liat.. huhuhu. untung orang2 dari majalahnya punya copynya (pastinya) jadi dikasih ke kita deh buat liat2. btw kita akhirnya cuma berdua karena model yg satu lagi (mungkin model beneran, gak kayak kita yg model asal comot) ga bisa dateng karena sakit.

sekilas info, majalah ini asalnya dari sby sejak 2004 trus ke bdg baru ke jkt kira2 3-4 bulan lalu. yg lucunya, katanya di sby orang2 bisa bayar buat jadi model cover majalah itu! weks.. napsu banget ga si? biarpun pada akhirnya pasti diseleksi dulu. dan buat model artikel dan bagian fashion seperti yg kemaren gue sama jj itu jg bisa apply. buset..

anyway, kemaren lumayan fun, cuma sebelnya gue ga bisa banyak gaya yg dicontohin sama orangnya. maklum deh emang bukan model dan emang gue jarang gerak jadinya kaku kali yah huhuhu. trus yg susahnya lagi biasa gue difoto cuma senyum tanpa gigi, nah kemaren smuanya mesti muka ceria jadi gue mesti ketawa. dan buat gue ketawa keliatan gigi tuh rada susah, yg ada beberapa kali tuh kayak senyum terpaksa alias gak tulus jadi lucunya si cc make up artist, audrey and ibu2 hair stylistnya, ami pada act konyol2 gitu biar gue ketawa pas dijepret haha.. si cc itu ampe julingin matanya biar gue ketawa pas liat dia. bae2 yah hehe. kalo jj sih emang senyumnya perfect jadi ga masalah sama sekali jadi bagus2 potonya dia.

hm.. can't wait to see the results sih tapi sayangnya kita ga akan dikasih fotonya sampe majalahnya terbit. yah, emang itu biasanya peraturan buat majalah kali ya, masa sebelom terbit potonya uda disebar dulu. tapi lucu jg sih kalo potonya dari skrg tapi terbitnya masih nanti apa style fashionnya belom lewat ya?

oh iya, gue sama jj dipotret buat edisi januari nanti. jadi penasaran tapi takut kalo jelek kan malu huhu..

model, anyone?

nv called me out of the blue on last saturday and asked if i'm willing to do it for the magz she worked for, and my first respond was: what? are you dialing the wrong number on you mobile contacts? are you sure it's the right d you're calling? cos my (face) skin is not one that's as smooth as a baby's butt (i know this was embarrassing..)

i think i kind of insulted her intelligence a bit there, didn't i? oh well, i was never one that instantly feel big-headed even if it's something flattering. anyway, after i'm a bit convinced that this isn't really a joke after she explained this and that, i said ok. although still with a bit unease feeling.

fyi, this magz is segmented for teenagers. yes, repeat, teenagers. and it's still new, i guess that's why instead of using pro models, they pick amateurs. maybe not all but 2 out of the 3 for tomorrow is definitely not models, atlhough i admit that jj got the looks.

well, it's tomorrow morning and there has been few sms informing this and that since sunday, so i'd better be there and see how it goes then.

things to do

1. going to bali on 30 nov - 4 dec
2. surabaya on 9 dec for a relative's wedding?
3. must visit penang and then to china with mr. ong

impluse craving

Sonatine

Trouville

Gucci

Gucci

(the one i'm interested in is not in this color. black really makes it look very dull and uninteresting. too bad can't copy pic from the official website so can only show this one)

nvm. i can't afford or make myself bought it anyway..

thought about getting 2nd ones but the price is still high that you'd think you might as well just get the new one from Paris.. or just get the fakes??

partner = controlling department?

met dj this afternoon when i went to Hosei-ji with mom and the new maid. when he gave us a lift home after the afternoon chant, dw called while we were on the way. from the conversations, we could know that she asked him general questions a wive would ask his hubby when it's already off office hour like where and what he's doing now. if you knew my mom, being one of the aunties crowd that sometimes kepo, you'd knew that she will comment on it and it went like this:

mom : wow, you two still sound romantic
dj : hehe it sounds more like controlling department calling
me : mwahaha (hey, it does sound funny, don't you think?)

hm.. makes me wonder if c thought that way if i call him.

well, that's not the first time i heard people talk that way about their bf/gf, spouse or anyone who often call them.

i actually ask dj is it true that men think that women are controlling them when they call them? his smart reply was: it depends on how they ask the guy. if it's just in normal conversation, then it's ok. but if it sounds "hostile", it would make them feel uncomfortable. well, actually not only men cos nin hates it too when ed asks her things.

hm..

quarter pounder chicken

it's the last day of being 24 and i'm the least bit of becoming less stubborn and more mature and my life is still a mess and so on and so forth, so naturally i'm not that excited plus it's the time of the month. i guess bad habits die hard, although i really am not proud of it.

i'm such a grumpier soon-gonna-be-quarter-of-centutry-old, arent't i? perhaps i can just blame it to the time of the month. nah, who am i kidding?

seandainya aja ada ujan dolar..

looks like rainy season has arrived. it's been raining everyday since the past few days. first was in bandung and now in jakarta too. i hate it when it's wet outside, especially with the excess water left along the road (baca: genangan air di lobang2 jalanan yg gembel). not even mentioning about the flood it often caused yet.

well, i do like rain sometimes. when i'm dry, safe and comfortable inside, of course. preferably at home so i won't need to step outside after the rain. last time c and i often imagine about us sitting together in a red comfortable sofa, facing a beautiful view or garden through a ceiling-to-floor glass window watching the raindrops while we drink hot chocolate or tea. hm.. the closest we ever get was sitting together at dante's, facing the mall's foyer watching cars dropping off or picking up passengers. wait, perhaps there are few other memories related to rain but that was the closest one to our funny-romantic imagination. haha...

hate it but need it. well, not literally

this isn't the first time i'm grudging about this here but heck it, so i'll know how i loathe this with all my heart. it even occurs to me the mean thought of whether having it or not having it is better. well, obviously the first one is a better option. just for the sake of having it is nicer to hear and definitely a better statement. hey, we live in a cliched word, don't you know that? perhaps i'd really regret it with all my heart when i lose it, but for now it's like this. i'm a darn stubborn person. as i said, seems that things just don't support me to change and act the other way. hope on the day i die i would die in peace and not because of some cancer or anything malignant caused by my own stubbornness.

blah.

is it just me having pms or things are just really wrong?

i really don't like and certainly don't appreciate what i have now.. i know i shouldn't but seems everything that happen around me suggest me to think the other way. instead of starting to appreciate things, i keep complaining. the worst is, i realize that instead of getting softer (er.. maksudnya lebih lembut), i become more stubborn. tsk.

about friendship, the thought crossed my mind that perhaps i don't enjoy my circle of friends anymore cos there's no longer comfortable feeling when i'm with them. sometimes though, when some of them starts to be "funny" and not appropriate. don't take me wrong, i never say anyone's perfect. i love my friends but seems that we don't really connect with each other anymore like we used to. it's like we're not fit for each other anymore. well, at least it still does for some of us. it seems that the older we are the more we see the world and things, which means more life experiences we get and sometimes that could change someone's personality. to tell the truth, we all became more selfish. we all really do.

well, what do you know? people does change, but it is said that everyone is different, rite? so perhaps we all just need to adapt and get used to the new each of us. i'm sure beside me trying to get use to their funny things, they are trying to get use to my bad temper too. i think it's a bit sad to just trash the friendship we had had since junior high, isn't it? especially when you think that these friends are worthed cos they are friends for life, not just some hi-and-bye friends that pass by our life without meaning.

banana republic

does a bad start always lead to a bad ending too? i really hope it's not. and what's now is not an ending, it's the process to make things work. i hope.

i'm writing this at the time when i feel really pessimistic about it. that's now. i started to have doubts and i'm really scared if he's gonna be like him. that i would be like her who has to fight or do things herself to get what she wants. i don't want to be the one who initiate things. wouldn't it be nice to have someone who can take care a thing or two for you? wouldn't it be nice to be pampered? for example about me planning to go to bdg this holiday. watch it, this isn't about being independent. this just makes me upset everytime i think about it.

actually i started to have this feeling since the second last week before he went there. and i've been thinking about it. perhaps i'm the one who can't understand and over-reacting, well, that would be way better, but what if it's just as bad as i thought?

as usual, i'm always stuck between two choices. this time is whether to be positive or negative. plin-plan.

n said that i'm the one pushing him since the first place. you know what i feel like when she said that? smacking her face with a bucket. who the hell she thinks she is? well, i know this is my stupidity for sharing things like this with her again. should've keep a mental note to myself that she's not the one i should talk to about this kind of thing. even about my job cos it's proven that she can't keep her mouth shut and blabs to other people about things that shouldn't be discussed at all. i had to tell her that time because something came up.

nin said she actually never agree on this, even until now. and she's upset about me not updating her when it finally change because she knew about this since the very first time. she's the first one who knew about it and she kept pointing me that it's a no-no since then.

i don't know what i should do know to calm my mind about this. n gave me a crazy idea, "gimana kalo loe sambil jalanin sambil cari2 yg lain juga? boleh gak gitu?"

GUBRAK!! first of all, i'm afraid of karma, what goes around might comes around. secondly, i do have feeling for him so it won't be as easy to do that to him, although i don't know how about him. and thirdly, i'm not seeing this thing as something for fun. never. i'm not a player.

btw, about the title. i just heard it from a talkshow on tv. i just knew that the meaning of banana republic is a country that's unstable due to changes that happen quite often. katanya pisang tuh cepet berbuah trus tau2 uda mateng trus mulai berbuah lagi. kira2 gitu de binun soalnya tadi cuma dengerin sekilas hehe.

so much for a boring and unpleasant holiday. blah.

jangan terlalu banyak menuntut

gimana caranya nempelin kalimat itu dalam otak dan pikiran kita supaya selalu inget yah? uda kayak bad cycle yg selalu repeating gitu.. haiyah.. mungkin emang gue orangnya bener2 keras banget sampe susah banget making myself in satisfied mode about certain things. well, maybe lots of things hehe.. hey, i'm just a human being kan :p

wise words

if you can't say anything nice about someone, don't say anything.

i got those words from a small book about etiquette guide, a bonus from this month's cosmo mag. this should be a very useful tip.

small getaway

i'm going to sg with nin and n on thursday morning and then followed by el in the evening. not sure yet for how long, depends on whether i'm going to penang or not.

hope we'll all have a great time together. hope everything will go well.

pure mind and soul

pernah gak berpikir dan menyayangkan kenapa kita harus tumbuh dan jadi dewasa (baca: adult)? padahal kalo jadi orang dewasa artinya kita jadi punya tanggung jawab, entah terhadap hidup, diri sendiri maupun orang lain. pernah gak berpikir kalo menjadi dewasa itu sangat rumit? tapi jadi orang gede memang pasti lebih enak dibanding jadi anak kecil sih. inget gak dulu waktu masih kecil rasanya pengen cepet gede biar boleh naik mainan di dufan yg ada batas minimum umur atau tinggi badan? trus pengen cepet umur 17 biar bisa sweet seventeen-an, trus abis itu pengen cepet umur 21 supaya bisa nyoba clubbing, dll. tapi buktinya gitu uda mulai kepada 2 rasanya uda mulai takut cepet tua. lahir-dewasa-tua-mati. that's the cycle of life dan semuanya mesti dilewatin satu2.

dan soal kedewasaan, gak salah kan kalo dibilang menjadi dewasa itu harus dilengkapi dengan sikap dewasa (baca: mature) juga? itu yang menurut gue susah. kadang menjadi dewasa secara umur dan fisik belum tentu berarti dewasa dalam cara berpikir, sikap atau kelakuan. dan gak semua anak kecil kekanak2an juga sih karena ada juga anak kecil yg dewasa sikapnya karena bisa mengerti orang lain. mungkin bener ada yg bilang menjadi dewasa adalah pilihan. tapi yg mau gue ngomongin sekarang bukan tentang ngebedain antara being an adult and act like one.

entah kenapa belakangan ini kalo lagi mikirin tentang my so-called life, as usual-meratapi, dan berpikir tentang friendship, gue ngeliat dan ngerasa kalo banyak banget yg berubah dari hal itu. ya iyalah namanya jg people change tapi tetep aja rasanya agak sedih karena perubahannya itu lebih ke arah yg negative. gue ngerasa semakin dewasa (sekali lagi, secara umur) orang jadi semakin egois dan sibuk dengan urusannya masing2. tapi mungkin itu karena tuntutan hidup juga yang membuat orang harus berubah dan menyesuaikan diri dengan lingkungannya, padahal mungkin sebenernya belom tentu mereka mau berubah jadi seperti negatif. tentu donk, siapa sih yg mau berubah jadi lebih jelek? dan tentang gue, karena one thing and another gue belajar jadi lebih egois dan mikirin diri sendiri aja dulu karena ternyata gak perlu buat nempatin orang lain di atas kita. tapi memang it's the nature of human being kan? mungkin bisa dibilang back to basic.

polos, optimis, positive thinking dan selalu ceria karena gak ada yg dipusingin. coba kalo semua orang bisa menjadi dewasa dengan tetep membawa sifat2 yg bagus dari anak kecil seperti itu. mungkin gue perlu soul cleansing nih hehe.